To feel miffed I don’t have a broken foot

[Imayneedtoscreamintomypillow]

DH has a broken foot. He did it playing football. Everyone is rallying around, lots of empathy and concern. Lots of ‘how’s he doing?’ I’m looking after him and the two DC well. I’m also the main earner so have to keep my job going.

AIBU to wish I had a broken foot instead of my health issues (I am peri, getting massive issues with mood (on HRT) and am waiting for scans to check out a lump in my abdo that the GP found and am getting bad headaches and nausea regularly) that make me miserable (on the inside).

He is sitting around, rightly resting his foot, while I am running around. I made him so many cups of tea yesterday and I only managed to drink two half cups myself. I barely sat down. I’ve so much to do and feel so exhausted and have a long commute to work on Monday to job that stresses me out and demands so much.

Have had to arrange childcare that DH would usually do (he can’t drive so having to do all of the stuff that involves driving) and take over all his domestic tasks (he’s the SAHP).

He is in this situation because he has his hobby. I don’t. I was just starting to get a life for me back (having realised I tend to put others first and forget about me) and now I’m too tired to do what brings me joy.

He’s lapping up the attention. Loving it! almost childlike glee at all this attention which is just bleurgh.

I know it’s temporary while he heals but I just needed to moan. My health issues get me down and I’m often in pain or discomfort. I usually don’t say anything. Because his injury is very clear to see he has offers of help coming from everywhere (for when I’m at work) but actually isn’t in too much pain. Just needs to keep it elevated for a while.

I’m feeling a bit invisible. AIBU?

I have horses. I’ve always had horses. Big ones. I cannot count on one foot hand how many times I’ve broken my foot. Not once have I behaved like your stupid husband.

Chuck him a crutch and a job list.

Brilliant.

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I can see where you are coming from. My OH had problems/treatment some years ago - and some lasting effects.

I'm fortunate and don't have your health worries/pains.

But sometimes I'd like to sit down for a couple of minutes before being 'needed' again. Or like to be asked how I am.

Grumble over. On a more practical note....

My elderly Dad uses a wheeled trolley/mobility support. Like a zimmer frame but on wheels and with a tray. Fewer spilt drinks in her house, falls, errands for others.

He's certainly milking it op!
Very selfish to expect you to run around after him
Flask/ Thermal mug for tea plus he can learn to carry a cross body bag or a rucksack for things he wants or needs himself
He's broken his foot not had it amputated
( I've had a few foot/ ankle surgeries)
It just means thinking outside the box for a while

How frustrating! My DH has a bad limp (ill- judged lifting injury rather than fun like sports). He was doing a good impression of Mrs Overall carrying her tray! I bought an old fashioned tea trolley off ebay for £15, and it is SO useful. You can load it up with tea pot, cups, plates of food etc. I've been known to pile the waitrose shopping on to move from front door to kitchen. It just glides along with a slight nudge. Some of them have a naff pattern but who cares.

Highly recommend you ask among your elderly friends or relatives if they have one you could borrow for a few weeks.

I get it OP.
A man's physical discomfort trumps a woman's every time

You say all these things make me miserable.
That's exactly how you sound.
Miserable.

Not sure what sort of break he has but I broke a metatarsal in my right foot a few years ago, I was mid 60s. Doctor was going to put me in a cast and I asked if there was anyway to avoid that. He said yes we can bandage it up and put you in a Beckham boot. I said yes do that and he said if it was him he'd do the same, more painful initially but heal faster and no need for much physio after. He then turned to the man in the next bed and pulled the curtain open. He asked him if he wanted to do the same as he had the same break. The man said no he wanted the cast and could the doctor tell his wife he needed to rest his foot and couldn't do things like wash dishes or cook. The doctor said he couldn't do that and much better to keep active.

I just wondered if your husband was the sort who'd ask the doctor to tell you to let him rest?

My foot healed well and when I saw the physio he said I wasn't quite as good as one of his 12 year old rugby players would be at this stage but I'd made a fantastic recovery for someone my age. (I don't actually think I am my age, it is some sort of mistake but I didn't correct him. I think I'm really about 25, 30 at a push.)

How old are DC? Can they do some of the fetching and carrying for him?

But also, your health issues, though very real, are kind of invisible. I don’t suppose you are talking about them with everyone. His is very visible and not particularly personal. So I can see why everyone else is acting like they are. DH, on the other hand needs to stop making the most of his situation and actually consider you for a minute.

I totally get it @Imayneedtoscreamintomypillow - I hope your own health improves soon and I would have exactly the same feelings in your situation. Society has such low expectations of men.

He is milking it. Why couldn’t he arrange childcare to cover himself. Does he usually use that foot to dial numbers? Stop doing so much for him. Would he do it for you if you had a broken foot?

Put a jug of water, a mini kettle, tea bags and milk on a table beside him. No more running around making tea FFS.

Ask for help. Women are SO guilty of wanting people to read our minds that we are on our knees with exhaustion. Call friends/acquaintances whose kids do the clubs DH usually drives them to and ask if they could pick up and drop off for a couple of weeks and you'll return the favour later on. Or buy them flowers/wine to say thanks.

And SIT DOWN. The world will not fail if you finish a cup of tea. It won't stop turning. DC won't stop breathing. You won't get your house repossessed just because you stop for the whole of a well-earned cup of tea while it is still hot.

This is all an example of how the patriarchy have damaged us.

I took a women’s health course and, whilst it wasn’t new information for me, men are more listened to about their health ailments than women, and a lot of the symptoms that we get are dismissed or not recorded.

you have my sympathy OP. It doesn’t solve your problem though.

Best advice is just to make DH do as much as he can around the house. And (not helpful) but chase up how you are feeling. Most GP surgeries (at least in Scotland) have a menopause or HRT clinic, so if you’re not already on their radar then that’s what I would do.

OP, I totally get you.

I had surgery a couple of years ago and as I was on maternity leave, DH took a week off work to look after our toddler and baby (note I was advised at least 2 weeks of rest and no lifting).

He did everything I would usually do on a normal day, but got so many offers of help and so much praise for "stepping up" blah blah blah, honestly it was like he was some kind of hero. A week later I had to crack on as usual with much less help and nobody batted an eyelid, I just had to struggle on.

2 weeks post surgery I had complications and had to go back in for a procedure under sedation. As DH was still picking up domestic slack at home due to me still recovering , I had to stress myself to the eyeballs trying to find last minute childcare and someone to stay overnight with me, because DH had a golfing weekend away booked that he couldn't face cancelling to stay with me post procedure because he was run so ragged he just needed the rest.

I've never forgotten that. Because he's a man it was fine. But imagine if I'd done it. "Mother trots off for a break away to rest, while leaving husband 2 weeks after surgery struggling for childcare and someone to look after him too post procedure?

I just got on with it though, because if he'd had to cancel it I'd then have had to put up with him 😂

I had a broken foot. For months limped around before I got it x rayed because the ‘sprain’ wasn’t getting better. It was broken but had mostly healed.
I was told to rest it a bit more and 2 weeks later I went on a walking holiday with no pain.
No bandages, no boot, no cast just got on with it.

Now, I’m not saying that’s a good idea, but neither do I have much sympathy. He can definitely make his own tea.

Whats all this stuff and running around you have to do?
List them out one by one and I guarantee you could remove half of them.

My relative broke her ankle this autumn and was off on a city break holiday 2 days later.

I have a friend who has only got one leg (and doesn't like prosthetics). She uses a fully sealable leak proof travel mug, a cross body bag for little things and a rucksack for big things. She has cycled to Edinburgh one legged and lives alone (though does get someone to come and do the hoovering and the mowing!) so it's clearly possible to manage.

I hear you op. I’ve had a tough month with chronic pain and am feeling very delicate and invisible. My DD decided that today is love daddy day, which has consisted of me making him breakfast in bed, multiple cups of tea, basically kissing his ass. I’m doing it through gritted teeth because I’m trying to be more positive towards life (for my own MH). I am wondering when love mummy day will be and if I’ll get looked after or if I’ll still be stuck doing the mountain of washing. Stay strong, our time will come! 💐

This has got to be one of the best posts I have ever read. It’s a shame you can’t tell us your daughter’s name but I shall be looking out for her in the future as I am pretty sure we haven’t heard the last of this formidable young girl.

I understand where you're coming from, but a broken bone is incredibly painful. I've not broken my foot but have broken both shoulders in the last 2 years, one of which, like your husband, required surgery. They kept threatening to operate on the second, but the first was so painful I begged them to see how I managed without it. Seven months on, the unoperated one still causes pain and stiffness. When I was in the acute stage/post op stage I was totally unable to sleep more than an hour or 2 a night.

I've had gallstones which is often thought to be the worst pain ever. Yeah it was and I don't regret having it out but with gallstones the pain would last a couple of hours then ease off (till the next episode!) whereas the pain of a broken bone is 24/7 for several weeks.

Your health issues sound very miserable OP. Hormonal migraine and nausea is awful and you must be worried about the lump. Its not at all surprising when you feel constantly below par that just one more thing is the one thing too many. Any chance you could take a day or two sick after the weekend to rest and recuperate? And maybe tell your H how you're feeling? I'm sure he could do a bit more than just sit there being waited on. When I broke my foot I'd hobble to the kitchen and back and could do food prep sitting down. I'd be having a chat based on what he could do rather than what he'd rather not.

Dh mangled his ankle a few years ago and spent 3 weeks in hospital with 2 operations. He came home with a frame on for the next 6 months but did the childcare when needed and looked after himself while we were out at work/school etc. I did the brunt of everything but he sorted himself out-flask, we bought cans of pop and made him a cross body shopping bag thing so he could carry his lunch to the living room. He hates being dependent on people so that might have helped but your Dh needs to get into a routine for himself and you. Hope he gets going soon for you 💐

I hear you op.
but.
it’s up to you to look after your own needs.
Take a good look at your dh and take notes. Why wouldn’t you sit around like a big diva, sighing dramatically, smiling at any attention that comes your way? You might not choose to do that but you are absolutely making a choice to run yourself ragged.

Stop that. Just stop. Figure out what lies comfortably within your capacity and do that, and no more. It’s like cutting your cloth to match your budget - you have a budget of time and energy and you’re massively overspending it.

None of us can get all the things done that we want - it’s not possible. It’s not even possible to get all the important things that really matter done. Once you accept that fact, life gets easier (read 4000 weeks - in fact I suggest you download and listen to it on audible to drown out any whinging while you get your priorities in order)

Give the big lug a basket of laundry to fold. You can adjust an ironing board to a low height too. Kettle of hot water and a basin and he can get the dishes done too.

Your health matters op - whether your problems are visible or not. Whether anyone else notices or cares - you matter op.

THIS 👆

One of our teachers broke her ankle at the beginning of term. She was back in the next day working (she maybe should have had a couple of days off but she's stubborn). I also broke my foot years ago at school didn't have any time off then either. Went into school with a plaster and crutches.

So don't let him make you do everything, he should be up and about after a day or two. I could see driving being a problem until he gets his boot off.

I broke my ankle in the summer and had to manage (including a steep set of stairs!) because I live alone and had no choice! He's being a bit of a wet blanket tbh!