Pulling out of event due to moral conflict.

[Trolleydolly123]

Impending event (small christening) involving parents, siblings,in laws, etc, one member of this group also attending is amongst many other things, committing significant benefit fraud yet boasting about finances/money/lifestyle etc. This fraud is well known, obvious and blatant, no attempt to hide it, other members collude of turn a blind eye.
Lots of other issues related to poor parenting, child neglect etc, deception, DV etc, all round not a nice person.
Personally I find this morally wrong on so many levels and goes against everything I believe in, AIBU to not attend due to not wanting to socialise or be in proximity to this person?
I

@KissTheRains theres plenty of ways of commuting benefit fraud. My ex for example is doing it by claiming Job Seekers/UC inc housing benefit element to rent a flat but doesn’t live there, instead he sublets it out & rents it to his cousin instead so gets the rental income from both benefits & his cousin. He hasn’t been paying the rent even though getting it twice & therefore his cousin is evicted. Whilst claiming benefits for not working he’s actually working cash in hand. Then his girlfriend is claiming full benefits as single mum & having him live with her so actually they’re both committing benefit fraud

As I grew on a bad council estate (not saying CE are bad in general or full of benefit fraud, just the one I lived on) I know of many many women who are claiming benefits as a single mum whilst having their partner, who is claiming out of work benefits a single man, living in the home with them as a couple. Even having children together but not admitting that they are living together. I know loads working cash in hand, I know loads claiming full benefits whilst being ‘self employed’ & claiming they are making a loss so they can get full UC inc housing element. It’s massively common where I used to live, to the point that people openly talk about it & give others advice on how to ‘scam’, like multi generational. Thankfully it seems the younger generations are less likely to scam & more likely to work than the older ones I know doing it. I personally know 7 people from the same estate who have been in the courts list in the local paper for doing it so there’s going to plenty more who haven’t even gone as far as court

In any situation where you have a choice whether or not to be in the vicinity of someone who makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, then it is not unreasonable to choose not to do so.

It is terrible when you have no choice such as at work or kids at school. I have decided to leave a hobby group I joined because someone there is not a nice person. As a sensitive person, an empath, others bad vibes interact with mine and I feel horrible.

So if you know you will feel terrible, then it’s fine and reasonable to stay away.

Have u reported them?

This brings up so many questions - have you spoken to the spouse if theres DV, or tried to identify any alternatives for them? Why are others colluding? Have you taken any steps to protect the children if you think there is poor parenting?

Report them to the benefits agency for the benefit fraud and to social services re the DV and neglect. Thats better than doing nothing. The Christening itself is all a sideshow in this. Don't go if you don't want to, but what are you going to say to the parents of the baby who invited you - and to whom you are special enough to be invited for a small event.

@Trolleydolly123 as one of 6 invited adults invited you must be a close relative or friend to this family.

As an adult who was abused as a child, many of the good adults - people like you who could have helped by taking me for a walk, or a meal, or modelling positive behaviour in any way at all? Those good people left.
The remaining adults (aside from teachers, Drs etc) in my life turned a blind eye to my parent's behaviour, agreed with it, or even (and sadly yes, this is true) were part of the abuse.

If, as you write, you do have strong moral values, please be there, be around for the sake of the child.

I'm not suggesting that you offer your home to the child. Even if you do not develop much of a relationship with them, simply being an adult who provides a positive example can help a child who feels that they are drowning in the emotions caused by an abusive upbringing.

You've done all you can about the benefit fraud.
This is an opportunity for you to be part of the solution.

No.
The company you keep tells you a lot about a person/people.
Don’t associate with them. Your gut is trying to tell you this. You don’t need Mumsnet to answer this for you. You already know.

Yes, definitely report. You can do it anonymously.
I anonymously reported a neighbour who beat up his wife ( 70 year old woman) every morning. No comeback on me.

It takes quite a long time to investigate benefit fraud, gather evidence and build a case against the perpetrator. If, as you say, you reported this quite recently then it’s not surprising that nothing has happened yet. It doesn’t mean that it won’t.

I wouldn’t socialise with someone like that either. I think you’ve done the right thing to explain why you’re not attending.

I have a problematic family member too - cousin’s spouse who has some extreme and quite poisonous political views. I wouldn’t sit round a small table with them either (though I did successfully avoid them at a larger family event).

But you’re colluding as much as these other relatives! Absolutely no difference between you and the other relatives who are ‘turning a blind eye’. If you think they are in the wrong then you have no choice but to report them yourself.

You've reported them and by the sounds of it they may know your stances on their actions too, I hope they do and bravo for you for not standing by silently!

I understand it is small and intimate event and I'm not too sure how strong you are but personally I would go and every time they opened their mouths or seem to be getting close to having any interaction with me I would abruptly leave with a comment of 'got to go to the loo' 'oh no I think I have something on my shoe' 'oh bugger I must take this call' 'damn, I forgot to message so and so back'

Don't miss out on important family events @Trolleydolly123 even if half the family think they are just grand

If you are likely to be uncomfortable attending this event, then send your apologies and a nice gift for the child being christened. An invitation is just that, not a summons.

I can’t fathom getting so worked up about boasting about benefit fraud when the person neglects their kid and commits violence against their partner.

Your priorities are so out of whack it’s incredible.

you had reason to shun this person long before you got to the bit about benefit fraud.

I don't think then getting extra money would bother me in the way it's clearly upsetting you but if there's a lot of what you're describing as abuse then I would personally be trying to make some difference to the abused party, not sure how given the situation is vague as you describe but I'd go personally to support the child. If you're that uncomfortable you don't have to go. No-one is forcing you.

Have any of these recent posters actually RTFT!!! Ffs SHE HAS reported the neglect side of things AND the benefit fraud. And for those who dont think its an issue- then jog on. The OP clearly does, so your comments are unhelpful to say the least.

Ooo-er Trigg's here 😂

I am sorry to see what a rough ride you have had here, OP. from so many people. First time I have seen a really nasty side to MumsNetters, quite shocking. I think you are quite right not to go to this or any other event these relatives are at, and to report them. Yes, avoiding them may inevitably cause you to lose some family closeness in the longer term.

Realistically the gesture of attending or not attending the christening is not actually about ‘supporting the baby”. He / she is not aware. There may come a time later on when that child does actually need real support if their parents are as nasty as you say, so I hope you’ll somehow be around to keep an eye open for that and available to give real help if needed. Difficult situation.

Thank you, I am shocked at how appallingly rude people are, esp the pro benefit cheating types!
Also at the stupidity of people who a) dont RTFT and comment REPORT 4 pages in 😆 and b) those who assume the order in which I wrote the concerns is the order in which I am shocked. I would have thought it goes without saying abuse is worse than benefit cheating. As they say, you cant educate pork!

Thanks to all the decent, sensible and polite people who were helpful.

All those pro benefit cheating, I hope you too are caught by people like me in your family, those who declare BULLSHIT and assume I am lying or incorrect, thanks for taking time to post, I admire your belief in yourselve that you know about this family better than I do 😊.

To clarify, I have reported EVERYTHING ++++, and will not attend the event as my free time (not at work, in safeguarding actually FYI 🤣) is very precious to me and I wont be in the close company of those I despise.

I think I might go as would want to take opportunities to keep an eye in the well-being of the children.

but surely you like everyone else
take what they say with a pinch of salt,

Hmm. No, this isn't how it works. Anyone can lie about a lot of things to get benefits they aren't entitled to. Despite "checks" not everything can be proved at claim. There are some proficient liars out there!

Then dwp have to prove they are lying. If it's under a certain amount, dwp will not take legal action. Because it costs the taxpayers too much to prove. They will investigate claims of fraud but need specifics. Like, how they are making fraudulent claims. Secret bank acts. Proof they aren't sick/child isn't sick and so on.

There is a max financual limit on some types of claims, not all. A lot of assumptions in this post. Very judge. Personally I would report any fraud. Its my taxes too. I think OP has a very good moral standing. I applaud them.

This person sounds like a narcacist or gas lighter as seems really good at deflecting any issues or bad behaviour. It's so much harder to prove wrongdoings as they are totally invested in their webs of evil. The children and dv sound scary. I cannot comprehend how others accept it. I, too, would be boycotting with no excuses, just the truth.