Pulling out of event due to moral conflict.

[Trolleydolly123]

Impending event (small christening) involving parents, siblings,in laws, etc, one member of this group also attending is amongst many other things, committing significant benefit fraud yet boasting about finances/money/lifestyle etc. This fraud is well known, obvious and blatant, no attempt to hide it, other members collude of turn a blind eye.
Lots of other issues related to poor parenting, child neglect etc, deception, DV etc, all round not a nice person.
Personally I find this morally wrong on so many levels and goes against everything I believe in, AIBU to not attend due to not wanting to socialise or be in proximity to this person?
I

the rest will be blowing smoke up them, and laughing alone with the talk of money

Who are “the rest” in this scenario - BIL’s partner and your friend and their partner? If your friend is happy to ‘blow smoke’ then are they a friend you really value keeping?

Attend the church ceremony if the parents and the child are important to you - as you are one of the only invitees I assume they must be.

Tell them ahead of time you're sorry you can't/won't be joining them for the meal and drinks after, but here's you gift for the child.

DWP investigate all reports of benefit fraud.

If they have been reported many times, they've been investigated many times and been found to be claiming what they're entitled to claim

You may not like it, but that's how it is

Its all of it that annoys me, the boasting mostly. I know how much they get, how they get it. They pretend to live apart when they dont, and are very open about it. Its not just a few quid, its a significant amount of money.
I have (since posting) told the hosting couple i wont be attending and reason why.

No not reported for B F many times, all the other things re safegaurding etc many times.
The fraud is relatively recent-ish and ive reported once.

If this person is being proposed as a Godparent, don't go. If they are simply a guest would you have to speak to them?

There are some interesting principles at work here from a theological POV. (If going to a Christening I assume you are Christian?)

Christ was pretty famous for mixing with some lowlife types in his life, so the question your dilemma is raising for me is: Is it just Christ who should mix with lowlife types because he is impervious to temptation?

Should those breaking the law have the opportunity to socialise with morally upright types (sorry for the slightly tongue in cheek language, but it is a real point) to be set an example, or at least not forced into more morally corrupt ways by being isolated into a pariah society?

When I write it like this - and I appreciate that this is not in the most research-neutral language - my own decision would be clear to me and I would go. But I might struggle to do the appropriate amount of pleasant socialisation....

I like this interesting perspective!

Im going to not go as avoiding will be impossible, influencing their morality also unlikely!

I hope that saying 'im not colluding with this' may influence the others in the group to not turn such a blind eye.

This.

I wonder if this person thinks there's some kudos in being a benefit cheat, so they pretend that they are?

This is going to sound weird and if you knew me you would be shocked to the core that I am suggesting such a thing, but I think you should leave them to it. The most I would do is take them aside and tell them not to publicise it because it makes me feel uncomfortable because I am against this sort of thing and really don’t want to know about it.

in many ways I think they’ve got a point. In every single job I have ever had the more powerful find ways to line their pockets as well as the pockets of their close friends and loved ones while law-abiding mugs like me do all the heavy lifting for peanuts.

in the last place I worked senior managers got away with hundreds of thousands of pounds in fraudulent behaviour and were allowed to leave discretely and get another highly paid job.

The child abuse and DV is another matter. I wouldn’t socialise with someone who was doing that, although I would want to help the victim in some way. You say you have reported these so that’s good, although nothing has happened so far, which is strange.

For me it comes down to who is paying for the event and who has invited you. If it is them - no waywould I go. If it ispeople who support or encourage their criminality! I wouldn’t go.

Just don't go then?

I can't think of any circumstances in which it would be 'unreasonable' not to attend a christening, to be honest, unless you were one of the godparents.

They are not the parents of the one being christened, they are the sibling

That's a big age gap - a baby and someone who is over eighteen.

You're so full of shit.

Don't go to the christening and keep your nose out of other people's business. Benefit fraud they brag about, aye I'm sure 🙄

So there is one person at a family event who you don't like? Big deal. It is not collusion to tolerate them for one day to celebrate the birth of a baby and maintain harmony with the child's blameless parents. I think you sound sanctimonious.

Then you should do so again if is so repugnant to you. No point in taking the moral high ground and not attending to satisfy your scruples if a child is still being neglected/abused and this person is still stealing public money.

Wow- you are getting some shitty responses here OP, despite mentioning numerous times that you have reported the safeguarding concerns! You dont need to do anything, especially sat in a room with a gobshite benefit cheat who has no issue boasting about it. I suspect the negative responses on here are from those who have got a finger in a few pies if u know what i mean🤔

Im not at all full of shit, they absolutely do brag. This is exactly my point about how entitled they are.

Its funny how much reporting benefit fraud touches a nerve with some people 😆😆

Personally I find this morally wrong on so many levels and goes against everything I believe in, AIBU to not attend due to not wanting to socialise or be in proximity to this person?

You're going to have a miserable life if you miss out on things and refuse to go places every time you find out you dont share the same morals as another person.

Live your life and dont be paying that much attention to what anyone else does.

I think lifes too short to waste time with people you cant tolerate too.
This is 6 people round a table for 2 to 4 hours, tricky to ignore or avoid them.
But ISWYM.

You said there's 6 of you. So if the violent defrauder is the BIL and they'll all be blowing smoke up his butt, that means the child's parents. If you are so morally opposed I think you need to consider your relationship with the. Too as they're seemingly ok with it all.

They are probably the same posters that were taking the piss on another thread because a lady said she was concerned about a neighbours child. Hypocrites.

He certainly mixed with people considered to be social pariahs (ie tax collectors) but I don't think Christ actually condoned child neglect and domestic violence.

just writing DV is very vague, is the mother of baby being domestically abused? or is she domestically abusing her partner?

benefits fraud is bad, yes, but are they doing it out of necessity - like an extra couple hundred they shouldn’t be having but are spending it on the kids / home etc? the ‘bragging’ could be lies to hide money troubles. people don’t commit serious fraud just for the heck of it!

it sounds like you’re choosing to take some sort of high ground and want to cause drama for what on the outside already sounds like a struggling family.

take your high horse to the christening and park it outside the church for the small amount of time you’ll actually have to attend and keep quiet about it. you could cause a whole world of trouble they don’t need.