A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Sounds quite fun to me. Nicer than a check-out-our-grey-colour-scheme-pose-by-the-insta-booth-kids-are-too-messy-quiche-isn't-good-enough-for-us wankfests most weddings are these days. It's all so precious.

Of course I'm not the wedding overlord, and I do see that people living more spread out makes weddings a bit fancier, but in my opinion they'd be better if they were more about fun and togetherness and less about self-expression.

Just go and figure it out. Its awkward but life doesnt revolve around our kids.

What time were you going to keep them up til? You're only losing a few hours. I'd duck out together to settle the kids and then one of you rejoin, the other chill put with the ipad and sleeping kids.

You're making more than one night of it t see family anyway so you're only compromising a few hours out of a whole visit.

Seems like B+G are trying not to upset family members by having a blanket 'no-kids' wedding, but still don't want to pay for the children's meals (if they can't afford it, then fair enough, I guess). However, they haven't considered what this may mean logistically for some family members with children, especially with only a few weeks notice.

OP - YANBU to just politely decline.

I would check if the B&G are going to incur costs if you cancel. Some places will still charge for pre-booked meals and rooms within a certain time frame. That time frame changes according to venue and the commitment the B&G have made. For example, one place I worked at said 'xx amount is the hire charge if you commit to filling xx amount of rooms.'

As you're looking forward to seeing other family members too, could you all stay for the ceremony and canapés and then all bugger off together to do something fun with the kids like bowling and pizza or whatever?
You can catch up with family properly the following day?

YABU - wedding parties are no fun for kids, they’ll have a much better time with a sitter.

If it was to do with what children can or can't see it would be fine to include them at the meal - nobody will be pissed that early.
Kicking them out before the meal is either a money or numbers issue.

I bet the Bride hadn't twigged that the Groom had intended to invite cousins kids breakdown in communication between them.
Or it could be parents giving it, "We were at Mick's sons wedding, you better invite Mick, he's a butcher and works Saturdays he'll probably not come, but you better invite him" - sure enough Mick turned up at our wedding - and you people know Mick as well as I do.

So the B&G end up looking at numbers again.

They haven't said no kids from a cost or seating point of view if they are invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast. Very odd as the evening reception is the relaxed and informal part of the wedding. I would decline from attending if it was me. It is a lot of money to spend in the first place.

Really? My kids love weddings! 🤣🤣 They were most put out that we haven't got one coming up this year.

OP I wouldn't be going. Save the money and go and see them another time

They aren't invited to the meal, so it's cost or numbers!

I don't think time is really the issue though.

8 weeks is plenty time to arrange a babysitter for the evening.

The issue is they will be 5 hours from home, meaning it would be an unknown babysitter, in a hotel room, and I wouldn't do that.

It sounds like they just haven't thought and are being inconsiderate, OP.

Rather than you having to explain why it won't work, just ask her what she suggests you do with her your kids.

When she replies, either your husband stays in the room with them from 5 or you get an unknown babysitter, you reply that unfortunately that doesn't suit, and bow out then.

Yes, because it's perfectly reasonable for the DH and the children to not be fed and be prisoners in their hotel room for the low cost of 1.3K or more for the weekend. I am sure everyone would have a wonderful time. NOT!

No way would I travel all that way just for a wedding and then after attending the ceremony, be told to fuck off and feed myself and my kids whilst OH enjoyed the sit down meal and evening reception.

OP can you just go on your own if you really want to attend?

Agree with PP that whilst Bride & Groom are perfectly entitled to arrange wedding their own way, the information about restricting children’s attendance in this unusual way should have been shared much longer ago.

I suspect they will receive quite a few declines.

I wouldn’t go into it all in your RSVP, just “I will be able to attend but DH and DC cannot” or “Sorry we have to decline, hope you have a lovely day” is all that’s required.

Also getting confused that 8 weeks is too short notice. That’s 2 months or a sixth if the year.
Given they have the choice of a Dad or a DH as viable sitters already in the bag.

Even if they weren’t invited to any of it it doesn’t take two months to arrange a sleepover or bring/ find a babysitter. It’s the Ops home town. Surely there’s someone’s teen from there she could trust for a few hours if she wants DH to not miss out.

Yes, because it's perfectly reasonable for the DH and the children to not be fed and be prisoners in their hotel room

Of fgs stop being such a drama lama. No one is a prisoner. They can go and eat in a restaurant if they like. The hotel might even have room service.

You say your Dad lives nearby, and that your children are primary school age. Is there a reason you think they won't be able to sit on his sofa and have a story/watch a movie with him/have some food? It's not like they are babies and can't ask for what they need. Is there a history there?

It would be extremely rude to do this.

And again, why ask 'her', why is it when 'she replies'?
Why is all this on the bride?

She has specifically said that there is history and that she won't be discussing it. The grandfather isn't an option.

Or go swimming in the hotel pool etc

@Nanaof1 Why prisoner's? DH or her dad can take the kids out for food at 5pm

It’s a long weekend to see family not just the wedding. It’s never going to be the cheapest or easiest going to visit family a long way away. The only extra expense is a wedding gift which presumably Op might have sent them anyway.

My DC would very much beg to differ!

Someone in our family had a wedding with no children in the evening. We were a bit sad (and it wouldn't ever have been our choice as I love kids at a wedding) but accepted it as their choice.

My husband who is the blood relative went to the whole thing. The kids and I stayed in a hotel room, had a lovely picnic and watched films. We had a lovely evening.

The kids were a bit outraged as there was a chocolate fountain at the evening do and they had never had one, and thought it was unfair that the grown ups had it! But that was about it.

If you were planning to make a few days of it, you'd still be able to catch up with relatives and have a lovely social time around it. There might well be some good socialising in the morning around the buffet breakfast, that's been a good part of some weddings I've been to where everyone was in the same hotel.

Basically, you don't have to take your bat home and not go unless you really want to. You could have a perfectly nice few days, just on their terms and not yours.

I wouldn’t go. Just send apologies, no need to go into too much detail about why you’re not going.

If it would cause too much of a family fall out I’d think about staying elsewhere and all leaving at 5. We’ve done similar in the past and booked a place in a nearby town with a pool and loads of stuff to do as a family.

I’m more likely to send apologies to weddings nowadays than actually go. It’s not just children that get tired and cranky 🤣

I'd go on my own and leave OH and kids at home. I'd not stay for 3 nights - it's not that far and I'd not spend £200 on a present. Is there a cheap hotel you can stay in for one night and just you go?

I wouldn't bother checking or worrying about this.

Your booking is with the hotel. As the arrangements have materially changed from what you expected, and you can change with no financial penalty, then that's what you do if that's best for you.

If there is some sort of minimum room booking, then B&G should have issued final invitations and full details earlier.