AIBU for banning in laws from grandchild after nasty comments & refusing to apologise?

[Bonnie3944]

Iv made a previous post about this but there’s been updates since. for context, MIL & FIL we’re going on holiday over Xmas, we got into a huge fight because she had asked us to visit before Xmas so DS could open his Xmas present early as they wouldn’t be able to see him open it on Xmas day. She picked a day & said it was the only day she was free, DP changed his shift with someone at work so he would be available at her request. We all agreed on the day & time, the day comes & she keeps delaying us with later times, example (“just got a few errands, can we change it to 4pm? just got to pop here to grab something, can we make it 6 instead? Stuck in traffic, will be about half 6”) DP & I were annoyed but waited it out, got to half 6 & we got delayed again with “only just got to your nans so will need to be later”, at this point DP said it’s getting too late now, DS would be asleep soon. DP calls MIL & tells her & essentially tells her it’s too late now & we have waited all day already, MIL starts guilt tripping him with “so now I can’t see my grandson till after the holidays?”, I jumped in (I admit I probably shouldn’t of, it should of been between DP & MIL but I was just annoyed & wound up in the heat of the moment & hearing her using DS to guilt trip DP only wound me up more) & basically said “You had your chance to see him today but you have been unreliable & keep failing to stick to the plans YOU set, if you knew you were going to be busy you should of said so before your son changed his shifts at your demand” she starts mouthing off & tells me to “stop barking” tells DP to “put a muzzle on it” & “son get it on a leash would you” & “son would you tell it to shut up”, constantly referring to me as ‘IT’ & a dog & continuously trying to shush me, to which DP tells her not to talk to me like that & tells her he’s going to hang up if she carry’s on, she gets pissy with DP for backing me up & hangs up on him.

We’ve been no contact since & myself & DP had ultimately decided to cut all ties with them after MIL’s vulgar comments & made the decision to keep DS away from MIL, up until today where FIL messaged DP & just asked “so when do we get the see DGS then”, DP decided the best course of action would be to ignore them because it would only stir things up again & we didn’t want another argument. FIL kept messaging asking DP “why are you ignoring me? Why aren’t you answering me?”, DP responded saying “you can see DS once mom has apologised & learns to respect his parents” FIL then said “you know how stubborn your mom is, she’ll never apologise, you can’t seriously ban us from seeing him, OP (myself) needs to learn to let things go” DP hasn’t responded cause it’s just winding us up all over again.
I can’t help but feel like surely if they loved their son & grandson enough they’d be willing to apologise at the risk of losing their relationship with them.
Am I being unreasonable to ban in laws from seeing DS after such vulgar comments & then refusing to apologise for said comments? How can I forgive someone who hasn’t apologised? Do they have any legal rights for contact with DS?

Jesus Christ she gets worse with every post.

He was NC with her, he gave it another go for his dad's sake and it clearly hasn't worked out. Oh well time to be NC again.

She's the one missing out on a relationship with her grandson because of her nastiness/stubbornness.

Your MIL sounds like a right scrote! It's good to see a post where the DP actually has his wife's back though.

How is there relationship with your son? If they are close I’d tell my DP to take the child round there but I wouldn’t be seeing her again, because there’s absolutely no need for those comments. In all honesty yes you should have kept quiet in the original scenario but absolutely zero excuse to be so rude, and that’s inexcusably rude. Your FIL though, he’s not done anything wrong and will lose a relationship with his grandchild. I always think in terms of best interest of the child and so I think him having a relationship with them if best (unless they don’t treat him well), and he shouldn’t be in the middle of this

Sadly they really do - few and far between ime but they’re out there.

@Bonnie3944 encourage your DP to stay solid on this. There is no reason on this earth to put up with this kind of treatment. It’s incredibly sad that that’s going to leave you unable to have a relationship with your fil (and I’d make sure he knows this) but just because he chooses to overlook his wife’s utter horrendousness doesn’t mean anyone else has to.

look further ahead, is your ds going to be expected to just suck it up and tiptoe round her nastiness and selfishness? Put a stop to this shit cycle now.

FIL: you can’t seriously ban us from seeing him [dgs]

DP: We can. And we will.

I voted YABU, due to your angry interference in the call, leading to this situation. You should of allowed DH to deal with it. Your comments were very inflammatory. That said, her response to your interference was appalling. I would also expect an aplology. I'd think very hard before denying DC contact with GP's however. Contact could be managed with firm boundaries. I hope
your DP works out what is best for him too.

I always think in terms of best interest of the child and so I think him having a relationship with them if best

so do I usually, but honestly this woman sounds like she has no filter or emotional control. Unless she showed some sort of understanding and contrition about how her actions have impacted others there is no way she’d be having contact with my dc without me there. It’s incredibly harmful for children to hear their parents being slagged off and/or bullied and I wouldn’t trust her to have any censor around my dc.

Absolutely! It's rare on here and rare in real life! I'm so glad to know he supports and there are partners put there who do !

Yes how dare a woman use her voice or have an opinion. How very dare she.

They are both vile. MIL for the unforgivable abuse and FIL the the enabling and saying you’re to blame.

I’d block them both.

Warn your DH to expect a sudden mystery illness one day soon. And perhaps and the relative (‘flying monkey’) trying to tell you you’re unreasonable.

If I was your husband I'd be saying to fil....I'm happy for you to see him but until mum apologised for calling my wife a dog who needs a muzzle and leash not to mention keeping us waiting in for over 8 hours and insisting we are wrong to put child to bed after he's been upset and disappointed all day ...she is not welcome.

Cutting them out of your lives is the only way to deal with toxic people like this.

I've been NC with my IL's for over a decade - it's bliss.

No more malice to deal with.

@Zanatdy In all honesty there isn’t much of a relationship between DS & the in laws, MIL has seen him 5 times, DS isn’t very close with FIL either but FIL has seen him more. Tbh they weren’t thrilled when we told them I was pregnant to begin with, MIL said I must of ‘deliberately’ announced it the week of her birthday to take the attention away from her, she then uninvited me from her birthday party as she didn’t want everyone making it about me. She then wasn’t happy we were having a boy because she had high hopes for a girl (she has 2 boys already). MIL & FIL have a busy lifestyle, they have high demanding jobs, they go on vacation a lot, they spend their time off in the pub, MIL isn’t very family oriented, she just likes her downtime where as FIL is very family oriented, very old fashioned traditional, but he just does whatever MIL wants to keep the peace. For example, he didn’t want to go on holiday this Xmas because he was hoping we could spend xmas with them, MIL booked the holiday as a surprise & he was gutted when he found out, he wanted to put the Xmas decorations up for when DS visits but MIL said no because “our kids are all grown up and moved out now so there would be no point with all that hassle”. DS is only 2 so realistically he’s none the wiser at the minute. DP said they could drop off the planet tomorrow & DS wouldn’t know the difference.

I think even with an apology... I'd be done

OP, was she drunk ? Was she delaying because she couldn’t tear herself away from the pub ?

I can’t imagine anybody speaking like that unless they were completely out of their minds.

If she was worse for wear from alcohol, I would give them a full written account of what happened that day. Eg how DH changed shifts, how many times they delayed, along with the excuses they used and then a full word for word account of her insults towards you. She will have forgotten and be able to minimise and brush her conduct under the carpet turning it all on you if you don’t do this.

Then add a note at the end that you hope she can appreciate that you would be a very irresponsible parent indeed if you allowed anybody access to your DC after such terrible behaviour. Tell them you will listen to her apology if she wants to be accountable for herself otherwise you will be safeguarding your DC from her vile behaviour for the future.

In the meantime, FIL is welcome to visit when convenient.

I may be wrong but my feeling is that your MIL deliberately buggered about on the day arranged to try and demonstrate that she calls the shots.
I'd have nothing more to do with her ever again, and I'd certainly be wary of letting my child near her, she sounds like a right piece of work.

Out of curiosity, what ages are MIL and FIL?

She sounds positively unhinged. Really toxic and nasty. Take attention away from her birthday, really?

FIL sounds miserable but allows himself to be a doormat. I wonder why.

FIL is probably attracted to the conflict. Some people only know how to feel at home in high conflict relationships, even though there are many obvious downsides to these kind of relationships.

'get it on a leash'?! She sounds like a trashy misogynist.

@LaurieStrode Both late 40’s
FIL seems very miserable, he has made jokes in the past that MIL ‘trapped him’ because she fell pregnant quite young & MIL’s parents ‘forced’ him to marry her because they didn’t want a ‘bastard’ grandchild; not sure how true that is, DP claims over the years on & off they would sleep in separate rooms, apparently MIL was very possessive & jealous & would accuse FIL of infidelity, constant arguing etc. He makes jokes to DP like ‘one piece of advice, never marry a woman, worst thing I ever did’. We’ve never taken him seriously because he does say it in a joking context but he has repeated it a lot.

shes toxic youve give her more than once chance id just stay nc now

to add your son is only 2 he wont notice if shes out of his life shes hardly seen him as it is andi doubt it would standup in court

When I originally read your post, I thought YANBU for how she spoke to you, but YABU for stopping them seeing your child, you shouldn't use the baby as a weapon. What she said to you, and how she feels towards you, she didn't say or feel that way towards your child.

However, after reading your replies to people, give that toxic woman a wide birth. Disgusting behaviour, and it's better to keep the baby away from all that toxic energy.

Gosh OP, your MIL is a real nightmare.

In this situation I wouldn't enable a relationship of your husband and child on their own with her. She sounds like she always has to win and she will see it as a victory as you "the dog who barks" won't be there and she will be able to make her way, or at least she will try, to manipulate your husband and child.

People like her is better miles away not even at arms length.

Having continued to read your updates @Bonnie3944 , your MiL is toxic not just to her son, you and your child(ren) but she is toxic to her own husband.

I'd get some pamphlets from websites or organisations that could help if FiL decided that he'd finally had enough and pulled the plug on his relationship with her and send them on to him in a plain envelope with no way to trace it back to you or your DH.

I was reading the part where you were saying that she surprised her DH with a trip away over Christmas. She is flip flopping her decisions all over the place. Saying out of one side of her mouth that she wants to see her grandson and the very next breath not wanting to put up decorations over Christmas or to see him. I mean that's whiplash speed going on there in her brain.

If your DH gets back in touch with his father, he could suggest that he is very very concerned about her mental health and that it just isn't normal to go on the way she has. She needs medical attention but as she isn't likely to apologise for her behaviour up to this point, it will be up to FiL to sort out anything like that and until such time as she has been cleared by a clinical psychologist and psychiatrist, you're not happy with your son being exposed to her behaviour any more.

Your MIL's approach and language makes her sound 'uneducated'and 'trashy'. But then you say she has a demanding job, which somehow does not seem to fit. However that does not excuse her unfiltered and despicable behaviour, even if an apology is offered and you should go NC with her and her enabling husband. There's no need to stand by toxic people, even relatives. They sound too potentially damaging.