AIBU for banning in laws from grandchild after nasty comments & refusing to apologise?

[Bonnie3944]

Iv made a previous post about this but there’s been updates since. for context, MIL & FIL we’re going on holiday over Xmas, we got into a huge fight because she had asked us to visit before Xmas so DS could open his Xmas present early as they wouldn’t be able to see him open it on Xmas day. She picked a day & said it was the only day she was free, DP changed his shift with someone at work so he would be available at her request. We all agreed on the day & time, the day comes & she keeps delaying us with later times, example (“just got a few errands, can we change it to 4pm? just got to pop here to grab something, can we make it 6 instead? Stuck in traffic, will be about half 6”) DP & I were annoyed but waited it out, got to half 6 & we got delayed again with “only just got to your nans so will need to be later”, at this point DP said it’s getting too late now, DS would be asleep soon. DP calls MIL & tells her & essentially tells her it’s too late now & we have waited all day already, MIL starts guilt tripping him with “so now I can’t see my grandson till after the holidays?”, I jumped in (I admit I probably shouldn’t of, it should of been between DP & MIL but I was just annoyed & wound up in the heat of the moment & hearing her using DS to guilt trip DP only wound me up more) & basically said “You had your chance to see him today but you have been unreliable & keep failing to stick to the plans YOU set, if you knew you were going to be busy you should of said so before your son changed his shifts at your demand” she starts mouthing off & tells me to “stop barking” tells DP to “put a muzzle on it” & “son get it on a leash would you” & “son would you tell it to shut up”, constantly referring to me as ‘IT’ & a dog & continuously trying to shush me, to which DP tells her not to talk to me like that & tells her he’s going to hang up if she carry’s on, she gets pissy with DP for backing me up & hangs up on him.

We’ve been no contact since & myself & DP had ultimately decided to cut all ties with them after MIL’s vulgar comments & made the decision to keep DS away from MIL, up until today where FIL messaged DP & just asked “so when do we get the see DGS then”, DP decided the best course of action would be to ignore them because it would only stir things up again & we didn’t want another argument. FIL kept messaging asking DP “why are you ignoring me? Why aren’t you answering me?”, DP responded saying “you can see DS once mom has apologised & learns to respect his parents” FIL then said “you know how stubborn your mom is, she’ll never apologise, you can’t seriously ban us from seeing him, OP (myself) needs to learn to let things go” DP hasn’t responded cause it’s just winding us up all over again.
I can’t help but feel like surely if they loved their son & grandson enough they’d be willing to apologise at the risk of losing their relationship with them.
Am I being unreasonable to ban in laws from seeing DS after such vulgar comments & then refusing to apologise for said comments? How can I forgive someone who hasn’t apologised? Do they have any legal rights for contact with DS?

Disgusting I agree as LC as possible

What your mil was saying was absolutely despicable and I can totally understand you not wanting to see her, at least without a massive apology.
It was also terrible of them to arrange a day and then repeatedly push back the timings.
However, I would've definitely let my husband handle the call to say it was too late to visit rather than intervening in anger.

OP (myself) needs to learn to let things go

Which also means her husband needs to let go of his wife being referred to as a dog!

"Stop barking" on its own would have been enough but to continue in that vein & the suggestion that you should be controlled by your husband!

Even if there was an apology there will never be respect !

Your OP reads like an extract from Eastenders….

If this is really how your interaction with them went, I too would probably want to minimise relations.

None of you are bringing out the best in each other - PIL clearly love to wind you both up, you react and get wound up, it escalates, and now you’re in a position where you (understandably) don’t want to be around them.

Some distance is probably for the best for all your sakes.

Next time FIL messages, maybe just say that.

If you stood there and listen to all that…your restraint is admirable.

She's so nasty and deranged, I wouldn’t even accept an apology. You can’t change that level of thinking, so no thanks.

Follow your partner’s lead and ignore them. Your FIL sounds like an enabler, so ignore him too.

This 100%

Where you based, OP? US or UK?

This could make a difference in terms of grandparents' rights.

MIL sounds like a nightmare. I'd be keeping my distance.

However when it's calmed down a bit I'd encourage your DH to take your child to see them occasionally, perhaps meet at a park or tea room rather than go to their house .

Let them go on their own and you have some time to yourself.

Let them go on their own and you have some time to yourself.

Probably exactly what she's hoping for!

Why does FIL think it's ok for MIL to be stubborn but you're supposed to forgive and forget?

If I was your DP I'd say:
"As I said, you can see DS once mum has given a sincere apology for the way she spoke about his mother, and you are lucky we are even allowing that tbh. We are not willing to expose our child to someone who thinks it is acceptable to speak about anyone, let alone DS's mother, in such a vile abusive manner."

Who the hell are the 6%???? I smacked the YANBU button so hard I near damn popped a hole in the keyboard.

An apology that you have to ask for and is then begrudgingly given, isn't worth having at all.

Honestly she's a nasty bitch (ironic given her dog comments) and only has herself to blame.

I didn’t vote, but at a guess, people perhaps thinking the OP didn’t help matters by wading in and escalating the whole thing - instead of leaving it for her DH to deal with his own parents.

They sound thick.

From what you've written, grandad is a submissive partner to his wife and so brow beaten he has accepted his fate and can't understand why everyone else isn't a wet wipe like he is.

Your husband needs to tell him straight that unless Ma Baker apologies then you won't be in contact.

How absolutely disrespectful to you and your husband.
Your MIL is absolutely in the wrong here.

I get that ppl can put too much pressure on themselves at Christmas as it's a busy time of year, but to talk to you like this is disgusting.
I hope you and your husband stick to your guns and don't back down, let her have some time out and time to think about and reflect on her behaviour.
I would cut all ties until she comes to her senses and apologises and going forward you and your husband have the say so on when she sees her grandchild, don't be changing your plans for her anymore, you make the rules and stick to them.

I would take the heat out of it, grey rock, be non committal. Cancel tentative plans at the last minute or postpone them. It would just be a terrible coincidence that you haven’t seen them for a month, then two, then twelve etc…. I’d make no grand pronouncements I wouldn’t block them, I wouldn’t say I was waiting for an apology (you know as well as they do it isn’t coming).

but between work, a busy social life and the odd round of judicious covid or d&v the relationship would drift and drift into oblivion.

I remember your first thread. Your MIL is appalling. They had every opportunity to see your DS but put others first, if I remember correctly they wanted you to bring him over hours after the agreed time and well after his bed time. Then the MIL got aggressive and started spitting venom after you said it was too late and you wouldn’t drag him over to see them just because they had got bored with everyone else and finally gone home. They won’t every treat you with any respect. They won’t ever put your DS or DH before their own enjoyment. I think going NC with family should be done as a last resort and with careful planning, I think you and DH should start planning how you are going to do this now. Good luck.

We’re based in UK for those asking x

YANBU she sounds like scum tbh. V bad influence to have in your son’s life!

You are doing the right thing. I would never speak to her again. That’s really vile - I’m not sure I’d even get over it with an apology.

Good lord, MiL sounds deranged! Does she always talk like that? So aggressive, but she and FiL seem to think that is normal. Obviously you can't have someone like that around your child.
This isn't just a disagreement, it's a deliberate and wholly disrespectful way of talking about someone. What she said was designed to be insulting, so it's hardly surprising that you are insulted.
Keep your child away from this batshit crazy person, she will not do his mental health any good at all.

Mil told and emailed her friends that we had cut her out of dc's life when we moved half an hour away. ... When he was born premature and I nearly died her priority was taking her ds on their annual trip away. When he refused she blamed me. Dh didn't want her in our lives after that. Let them tell their version op. Have no fucks to give. If anyone believes her they are as nuts as she is.

Say you'll allow them to see DGC if they pay a fine (to go into DC's savings account) of £2000 for each insult you got! To be paid in advance - so 4 insults = £8000. That's fair enough (as mere words of apology will not do).

@Falkenburg You’re right on the money, FIL is very much an enabler, DP & MIL had a falling out last year & went no contact for 8 months, meanwhile we were still seeing FIL, he would visit & would say things like “don’t get telling anyone I popped round, your mom doesn’t know I’m here” or “don’t get posting any of those pics on fb as your mom doesn’t know I’m here” & at the time I was hoping DP would ask “why? Is there a reason you can’t be here?” but he didn’t as he didn’t want to ‘pry’, MIL found out he was visiting behind her back & they split up for about 2 months & FIL stayed at his dads during this time but was still visiting DP & DS, MIL & FIL got back together then he conveniently stopped visiting & told DP him & MIL need to sort things out & encouraged DP to be the one to make the first move.