AIBU for banning in laws from grandchild after nasty comments & refusing to apologise?

[Bonnie3944]

Iv made a previous post about this but there’s been updates since. for context, MIL & FIL we’re going on holiday over Xmas, we got into a huge fight because she had asked us to visit before Xmas so DS could open his Xmas present early as they wouldn’t be able to see him open it on Xmas day. She picked a day & said it was the only day she was free, DP changed his shift with someone at work so he would be available at her request. We all agreed on the day & time, the day comes & she keeps delaying us with later times, example (“just got a few errands, can we change it to 4pm? just got to pop here to grab something, can we make it 6 instead? Stuck in traffic, will be about half 6”) DP & I were annoyed but waited it out, got to half 6 & we got delayed again with “only just got to your nans so will need to be later”, at this point DP said it’s getting too late now, DS would be asleep soon. DP calls MIL & tells her & essentially tells her it’s too late now & we have waited all day already, MIL starts guilt tripping him with “so now I can’t see my grandson till after the holidays?”, I jumped in (I admit I probably shouldn’t of, it should of been between DP & MIL but I was just annoyed & wound up in the heat of the moment & hearing her using DS to guilt trip DP only wound me up more) & basically said “You had your chance to see him today but you have been unreliable & keep failing to stick to the plans YOU set, if you knew you were going to be busy you should of said so before your son changed his shifts at your demand” she starts mouthing off & tells me to “stop barking” tells DP to “put a muzzle on it” & “son get it on a leash would you” & “son would you tell it to shut up”, constantly referring to me as ‘IT’ & a dog & continuously trying to shush me, to which DP tells her not to talk to me like that & tells her he’s going to hang up if she carry’s on, she gets pissy with DP for backing me up & hangs up on him.

We’ve been no contact since & myself & DP had ultimately decided to cut all ties with them after MIL’s vulgar comments & made the decision to keep DS away from MIL, up until today where FIL messaged DP & just asked “so when do we get the see DGS then”, DP decided the best course of action would be to ignore them because it would only stir things up again & we didn’t want another argument. FIL kept messaging asking DP “why are you ignoring me? Why aren’t you answering me?”, DP responded saying “you can see DS once mom has apologised & learns to respect his parents” FIL then said “you know how stubborn your mom is, she’ll never apologise, you can’t seriously ban us from seeing him, OP (myself) needs to learn to let things go” DP hasn’t responded cause it’s just winding us up all over again.
I can’t help but feel like surely if they loved their son & grandson enough they’d be willing to apologise at the risk of losing their relationship with them.
Am I being unreasonable to ban in laws from seeing DS after such vulgar comments & then refusing to apologise for said comments? How can I forgive someone who hasn’t apologised? Do they have any legal rights for contact with DS?

I'd never see her again for that, even if she did manage to dredge an apology up from the depths of her hateful core. It'd be meaningless now anyway because she wouldn't be apologising because she's sorry but because she wants access to your son.

You're doing the right thing and I'm glad your DP has grown a spine and has your back these days.

YANBU. I wouldn’t want my son exposed to people like this. You’ve totally done the right thing and I’m glad your husband has your back!

What a classy woman your MIL is! Incredible that people like this have managed to bring up a decent son (your DP), but probably he's a decent man despite his upbringing. Kudos to him.

Yes you are doing the right thing keeping your DS away from a grandmother like that, he doesn't need to grow up seeing his mother disrespected. You're absolutely right to have no contact from now.

Sorry you've had to endure that.

You have to learn to drop it, but she doesn't have to learn to stop referring to you as "it" or as a dog? Riiiiiiggggghhhhhht.

You're doing the right and only thing. Let them stew in a mess that's entirely of their own making.

“stop barking” tells DP to “put a muzzle on it” & “son get it on a leash would you” & “son would you tell it to shut up”, constantly referring to me as ‘IT’ & a dog & continuously trying to shush me

Apology or not - I don't think I could ever speak to someone who said that again.

They have no legal rights.

I' ve voted YABU because I don't think banning is the word to be use here and seems a bit OTT. I think you are not banning or forbidding anything. You and your husband are just protecting your family from entitled people that want you to accommodate their needs instead of meet you half way or ask for options.

Also, ask for apologies to people like that is useless. Grey rock is the way forward.

We're you completely silent then?
Or speaking back in measured,polite terms? Because reading the ( nasty) comments she was saying to you it does sound as though you could have been giving as good as you got. You do say she was trying to continually shush you.Were you shouting too?

FIL ought to have been telling his wife to 'drop the rope', not his son- or his son's wife, in this instance....
You could, I suppose, allow FIL contact but not MIL, but I'm not sure I'd bother. I have no time for cowards.

Not a snowballs chance in hell would.that woman be coming anywhere near my DC after that performance. She can fuck right off , nasty woman that she is

I would have nothing more to do with her. And if DP wanted to renew contact, I would be very wary of letting him take your son to see her as she sounds like the type who would badmouth you to the boy. And that's not on.

I wouldn’t have the apology requirement, an apology to achieve something isn’t genuine. I would want clear evidence that she will change her ways.

your MIL sounds abusive. The fact your FIL is enabling the behaviour by saying she is stubborn so won’t apologise is also awful.
They deserve to be cut off. She has shown you what she thinks of you. I don’t understand how she thought things would work out by calling you a dog and It. Why would anyone welcome someone with open arms after that? Stand firm.

@Bonnie3944 you wrote "FIL then said “you know how stubborn your mom is, she’ll never apologise, you can’t seriously ban us from seeing him, OP (myself) needs to learn to let things go”"
Then your DH just ignores all communications from his parents or goes broken record and repeats his earlier communication each and every time to his parents that they are the reason why they are not going to see their grandchild is because of the way they spoke about the mother of their grandchild.

I think your DH is great to have dropped the rope and will not engage with them now.

Do you mind me asking if they live close to you or are they a bit of a distance away? It might make things easier in case they happen to chance their arm and stop by if you have a video doorbell. I also don't know if you have mentioned previously (on this or on a different thread) if they have a key to your place for emergency purposes. If they do, either change the lock or make sure that you can restrict their access.

Best of luck to you.

Having been through this the script that will unfold will be that they are victims of your meanness. Your FIL sounds codependant. Your MILs words will conveniently be forgotten. I would write an email to the PIL outlining factually what her actions and words were on that day. Then explain how they made you feel briefly. Explain that abuse will not be tolerated and specify what actions are expected from them to rectify the situation. Set out your boundaries clearly then Grey Rock.
The ball is in their court.
I'm several years into this situation with flying monkeys, gaslighting and triangulation.
Be firm from the outset.

Good grief, how on earth is she so dense as to not appreciate that repeatedly delaying you until after your child's bedtime requires an apology? And to then be so utterly rude to you? She sounds like a truly awful person and I don't think I could go back from that. These people always have enablers in their lives who excuse their behaviour for years on end, who then expect you to do the same. They're in for a rude awakening.

Yes very rubbish to not stick to plans before they went away. If that was the only time they could see grandson over Christmas, you'd think the time would be stuck to. Fair enough an hour or so late but waiting the whole day 😮, then getting annoyed with you for saying too late now. Absolutely disgusting to talk about you like that, put a muzzle on it. Shocking! Good thing you have Dp to put her in her place. You are not stopping them from seeing grandson, as parents you need to keep kids away from toxic ppl. If this is the first time they caused any issues, I'd wait till she apologies then think about how to go forward, but if this is one if many issues I'd be keeping very low or no contact!!

You aren't unreasonable at all.

It was bad enough making you and your DP wait in all day for nothing, but she will continue to do this, and soon your child will find himself with his little face pressed against a window as he looks eagerly for her to arrive and she just puts off and puts off and possibly doesn't arrive at all. It will upset him immensely.

Don't put any of your family through this.

OP well done to your DH! Tell FIL there is no way any of you are going near MIL who treats you and indirectly her son with such disrespect. Their DGS will not grow up thinking his mother is a dog! Tell FIL to grow a pair and stand up to her. This is crunch point for MIL. Even if she backs down go limited contact only ( I’d be tempted to send dog treats through the post to her anonymously just to annoy her- perhaps send some worming tablets but they’re quite pricey)

Just coming from the other angle here, how old are your children/child? My daughters father went no contact with his parents and the utter dismay it caused in my daughter was completely unexpected. She was unaware of the cause of dismay but For around a year after, her behaviour completely changed. She became insecure, unhappy and started to refuse to go to school because she didn't want to leave me. We had to enlist a professional in the end. In a nutshell, they said because she is a child, the removal of a significant relationship that they consider stable can completely compromise the security they once had and makes them feel vulnerable to other relationships ending.

After a year, I took things into my own hands and made contact with ex's parents and established the relationship again through our side. My child completely changed for the positive after around 8weeks of resuming relationship.

Just something to consider. I would think about reducing contact maybe, but cutting it out all together can be really hard for children.

The way she spoke to you was disgusting. She has been lucky enough to be given the opportunity to apologise, the ball is in her court.

They both sound awful and I wouldn’t want a relationship with them or for my child to have. And I am someone who really values extended family so I don’t say that lightly

They have no legal rights. I remember your post – your MIL is vile. Keep the ban up and enjoy the peace and quiet!

Anyone who referred to me as "it" would be permanently out of my life.

FIL then said “you know how stubborn your mom is, she’ll never apologise, you can’t seriously ban us from seeing him, OP (myself) needs to learn to let things go

hour husband's reply should be 'you know how stubborn Bonnie is, she'll never let it go, so looks like we've reached an impasse'

They sound awful and I'm not sure I'd want them anywhere near my children if they can't be respectful to you and your DH! They have no legal rights.