AIBU for banning in laws from grandchild after nasty comments & refusing to apologise?

[Bonnie3944]

Iv made a previous post about this but there’s been updates since. for context, MIL & FIL we’re going on holiday over Xmas, we got into a huge fight because she had asked us to visit before Xmas so DS could open his Xmas present early as they wouldn’t be able to see him open it on Xmas day. She picked a day & said it was the only day she was free, DP changed his shift with someone at work so he would be available at her request. We all agreed on the day & time, the day comes & she keeps delaying us with later times, example (“just got a few errands, can we change it to 4pm? just got to pop here to grab something, can we make it 6 instead? Stuck in traffic, will be about half 6”) DP & I were annoyed but waited it out, got to half 6 & we got delayed again with “only just got to your nans so will need to be later”, at this point DP said it’s getting too late now, DS would be asleep soon. DP calls MIL & tells her & essentially tells her it’s too late now & we have waited all day already, MIL starts guilt tripping him with “so now I can’t see my grandson till after the holidays?”, I jumped in (I admit I probably shouldn’t of, it should of been between DP & MIL but I was just annoyed & wound up in the heat of the moment & hearing her using DS to guilt trip DP only wound me up more) & basically said “You had your chance to see him today but you have been unreliable & keep failing to stick to the plans YOU set, if you knew you were going to be busy you should of said so before your son changed his shifts at your demand” she starts mouthing off & tells me to “stop barking” tells DP to “put a muzzle on it” & “son get it on a leash would you” & “son would you tell it to shut up”, constantly referring to me as ‘IT’ & a dog & continuously trying to shush me, to which DP tells her not to talk to me like that & tells her he’s going to hang up if she carry’s on, she gets pissy with DP for backing me up & hangs up on him.

We’ve been no contact since & myself & DP had ultimately decided to cut all ties with them after MIL’s vulgar comments & made the decision to keep DS away from MIL, up until today where FIL messaged DP & just asked “so when do we get the see DGS then”, DP decided the best course of action would be to ignore them because it would only stir things up again & we didn’t want another argument. FIL kept messaging asking DP “why are you ignoring me? Why aren’t you answering me?”, DP responded saying “you can see DS once mom has apologised & learns to respect his parents” FIL then said “you know how stubborn your mom is, she’ll never apologise, you can’t seriously ban us from seeing him, OP (myself) needs to learn to let things go” DP hasn’t responded cause it’s just winding us up all over again.
I can’t help but feel like surely if they loved their son & grandson enough they’d be willing to apologise at the risk of losing their relationship with them.
Am I being unreasonable to ban in laws from seeing DS after such vulgar comments & then refusing to apologise for said comments? How can I forgive someone who hasn’t apologised? Do they have any legal rights for contact with DS?

If mil can talk savagely to/about you in front of her son then she will talk about you in front of your child so you are protecting him from toxicity. Your fil is enabling her by trying to get everyone to back down and apologise as the poor dear is stubborn

People who speak to me (or DH or the children) like this don't get second chances. They simply wouldn't hear from us again. If your DH is on board with this being the last straw, then my advice is to make the break quick, clean and final. No wavering, explaining or negotiating.

It's now 18 years since I last heard my mother's bile-filled, filthy-mouthed ranting and I have absolutely no regrets. I couldn't give a witch's tit what she tells her entourage of weak-minded enablers about me; it just doesn't matter.

I wouldn't go NC or cut them off. But what I would do is stay in contact with specific boundaries. In other words the grey rock method. If you repeatedly say that they need to show you both more respect (including an apology), they'll probably just give up and go away, rather than it be this dramatic thing where you're ignoring them.

The more chill you are with toxic people, the more they lose their shit and dig their own graves.

This is where the dog analogies have stemmed from.

Her husband is a lap dog and kept in a leash!

I would throw the dog comparison back at her and explain that she's on a par with being an XL Bully and needs to be muzzled!

Agree with this.
FIL called me a bitch on his Facebook page (because his son wouldn't speak to him -apparently my fault although hand on heart absolutely nothing to do with me) and several family members agreed. Never spoke to FIL again. He died a few years back never having reconciled with DH (there is a big back story to that). Received apologies from the other family members who "liked" his status which I accepted but didn't see again either. Life is far too short for arseholes. I never bit back at FIL, never responded on social media or argued or slagged him off. Just ignored totally. Drove him mad I wouldn't bite.

Even if she apologised she wouldn’t mean it .

You would be able to co trip or monitor what she says to abs informer of your dc so no way I’d what my dc around this.

She’s sounds awful .

There's no such animal as Grandparents' Rights in UK.

Do not let this woman around your child!! Fgs. She literally called the mother of her grandchild a dog. This woman is truly awful and no amount of apology should fix this.

They exist in the US. Which is presumably why the question was asked.

From everything you have said, including MIL's big fall out with FIL it sounds like she goes from conflict to conflict. It must be exhausting and I can see why you have had enough of it.

It sounds like you and DP are on the same page on distancing yourselves from her and that seems like the right course of action right now. You don't have to make any long term decisions when it comes to the future. If circumstances change then one or both of you might change your mind. Just take it day by day.

This is true, and its stridency varies from state to state (New York being particularly keen to implement it). But it isn't quite true to suggest 'no such animal' exists in UK law, albeit this is more usefully framed as the right for a child to have a relationship with their grandparents, rather than grandparents' rights over the child.

Situations like OP's, where both parents are presenting a united front in denying contact, might present more of an issue for the grandparents than, say, cases of divorce or when a mother has been widowed and then refuses to allow children with an established relationship to see their grandparents. Importantly, it will have to be proved that this relationship exists in the first place.

This site explains how it works, but the key statement is this:

No, you don’t have an automatic right to your grandchildren. However, family court does recognise how important the role of a grandparent can be in the lives of children. As long as you have a relationship with them and there’s no history of abuse, violence, or neglect, the court will grant you permission.

NB. It does seem that there's a history of abuse here, so in OP's case the GPs might struggle to make a case stand up, particularly as her DH is supporting this action. But it's as well to know what you're dealing with.

The Ultimate Guide to Grandparent Rights In The UK | Mediate UK

Yes and OP has stated she is in UK. Hence the answer.

OP, I think I remember some of your previous posts, are they only recently back in contact? What your DP trying to call around to their house and the DM was constantly out or in the pub?

If this is the same woman, she's a bloody space cadet, I wouldn't have her anywhere near me.

Good grief they sound awful.No you are not being unreasonable,calling you a dog and “it”. It’s good your husband has your back, he should continue to do so until she apologises. Even though you’ve given him leave to see her it would be massively disrespectful if he did and she’d basically be getting away with it. I suggest hubby digs his heels in because that way grandad may actually grow a spine. If FIL is cut off from grandchild because of his wife,eventually he will grow a pair and tell her what’s what, if not ,well he deserves what he gets .They are certainly not good role models for your son, the phrase “ rough as a badgers a*” springs to mind.

What? You didn’t answer her question at all.

Eh, whatever. Carry on.

I think you meant to tag the other poster.

I was responding to LusaBatoosa, your response to the question about differing UK/US contexts being the reason why I'd asked it. My post did not tag anyone.

Carry on as you are. It’s really hard at first because they hit you with everything they have to try and get a reaction. But in time It fades. What she said was not something you can ever take back.

Welcome to the club! MILs from hell sadly exist.
Block her and stay no contact. This isn’t just about an apology this is about protecting your wellbeing. Your MIL has zero respect for you or your DH. She sounds toxic.

@InAPickle12345
Yes this is the one! FIL kept asking DP to approach MIL first to make amends cause he was ‘sick of being stuck in the middle’ (MIL would give FIL grief when he’d visit) DP did approach her first & they made up about 3 months ago, all was well up until the week before Xmas where we had this big fight which has led us back to no contact.

Absolutely

I find it hard to believe that people actually act like this. Wtf?! Your MIL sounds crazy.

Good for you for going NC.

My mother could be very very difficult. She was not one for apologies. She never met my children who are adults now. Sadly she suffered a brain haemorrhage before they were born. I understand how upset you feel but think carefully if this is what you really want.

Best wishes

She sounds awful.

I'm guessing your dp is deeply hurt by his mums actions. Her arranging a time and not prioritising dc shows how little she thinks of her dc and grandchild. Then is insulting you was icing on the cake.
I'd send a message to dad saying you will be blocking them both on the phone from now on. When mil wants to apologise she knows where you live.