To accept this gift from my parents?

[LadyJos]

My parents have very kindly offered to gift us 40k towards buying our first home. We are in our forties with two children and have of course worked hard for about 15 years to save a deposit.

After looking carefully at our finances, it seems we might just be able to buy a house without this 40k, although it would mean other financial sacrifices to make that happen and would make the our mortgage very expensive (although not unaffordable).

I feel I should come clean to my parents and tell them we may be able to make it work without this gift after all. If it were just my dad, I think he would offer the gift (or some of it) anyway. However, if my mum has this information she’ll want to withdraw it all together as she is very tight about money.

They are very well off but not to a ridiculous extent. My husband and I both work hard in good professional jobs. I’m really morally torn over whether to take the gift and make my family’s life financially easier or to explain that it might not be necessary, and lose the gift. AIBU?

I'm in a similar boat. Been renting all my adult life, but am now in a position to buy. However, I have a large deposit available. My problem is that my income is low.
My mum has offered to give me a sum up to about 50k. In the spirit of "if it's the difference between getting a house you like, and a house you love."

I reluctant to take it, but I'm torn.

But it's not what the funds are for. If the parents want to use £10k of that money on a holiday then they can. But they're offering it, plus more, to OP, to use for a house.

I reluctant to take it, but I'm torn

Take it, I’m a parent in my 50’s and I absolutely loved being able to help my DC who is their 30’s get their first place.

Accept it. It will male yours and your children's lives easier and more affordable.

Ridiculous. Just take it. As a generation we can’t do right for doing wrong! We try to correct generational inequality and then you’re reluctant to take the money when it’s offered.

If it won't leave your parents struggling, I think you should take it. Unless you live in the actual cheapest part if the UK, you could always move somewhere cheaper - so they presumably are aware that this is not your only means of acquiring housing ever - they are expecting it to be put towards somewhere you like

“That’s extremely generous of you, and very kind. Thank you both very much.”

see? Easy.

It’s better to help your adult children when you’re alive and can see them than for them to wait until you’re dead to inherit.

Take the money. But absolutely don't spend it on a holiday. The money should be spent on the deposit as agreed.

I guess what i took from this is your mum is the type to take back the offer. These kinds of people tend not to give anything without strings.

My own parents would have given money without a thought. My ex's parents gave money to his siblings and they never heard the end of it for years and it drove a huge wedge between the giver and the receiving family.

I'm with @Blossomtoes. As a generation, the boomers are so often described as selfish, grabby and not recognising their good fortune, it's galling when an attempt to help is questioned.

Of course I wouldn't accept it. You're not even being upfront with them.
At the very most, I'd only ever accept half.
Go your own way and let them enjoy their retirement!

How lucky you are. Accept it. What a blessing and a wonderful start to your year. It’ll change your lives.

Take it and use it and make your lives that tiny but easier. They wouldn't be offering if they didn't want you to have it.
15 years is a long time to be saving so this can give you that bit more somewhere a bit better or a smaller mortgage. Good luck.

Ok then they can use their £40k for the deposit, top up with what they have and keep back £10k of their own saved money for holiday. Problem solved.

Then they'll think the OP is financially incontinent.

It will have been a well considered decision to offer you that money so you should take it. £40K extra on your deposit will help you lower your monthly repayments and live more comfortably moving forward! You don't need to explain anything to your parents if it's a gift towards buying a house because that is what you are using it for!

Take it. Getting a mortgage is not easy anymore and the purchase comes with lots of costs, some unexpected. So it could make the difference. Your parents don’t need all the details.

@simonsez

sorry, but that's NUTZ.

you can't 'treat' them with their own gift!!

plus, if I were the parents, if the £20k isn't being used to 'get them ahead' I'd rather choose how it's spent!! Not be spent for me.

@LadyJos

as you say your parents can afford it & your Dad would likely give you it anyway, I think you should take the kind 'gift' & that will reduce your mortgage & allow you to be more comfortable. You could over pay by the difference in the amount your mortgage would have been without the gift. Or just save it for 'rainy day' shite.

I hope you find a lovely house! There's nothing like owning your house & not be at risk of being evicted. Don't over extend, you can always buy something bigger, or whatever, in a few years.

How was the 40 k amount reached? Could you tell your Mom you can do it with say 20k of that would bring you a balance between we can do it by killing ourselves and with that 40k we'll be able to go away somewhere really fancy this year?
I certainly wouldn't wipe out all your savings if there's a choice

If they have offered you this money then take it,
No question about it and keep your money as a nest egg or use most as extra deposit and keep mortgage payments down.
You don’t need to tell them, what you do with your money is up to you, so just take it.
I would have no qualms about this.

If at some point you have told your parents that you definitely can't afford to buy a house and they have offered the money on that basis, then I would feel I had to tell them what the situation is now. If however they have just offered it out of love without knowing your full financial circumstances, then I wouldn't feel obliged to tell them especially if they haven't asked. BTW your mum can't be that tight with money - maybe she's just sensible and doesn't squander it.

There's no problem to solve. A holiday isn't part of this situation.

They can do what they want with their money and what they want is for it to go towards towards a house deposit for OP. So rather than spending their own money on something they have chosen not to spend it on, she should accept the gift and use it for the intended purpose.

Agree with this.
Thank them and tell them you only need £20k.
That way you can reduce mortgage payments and make your life a bit easier, without taking advantage.
I think this would be the best solution.

Same thing I said like WTF 😂

Which is EXACTLY what I just outlined. Use the money from parents for deposit and their own money for a holiday.