To accept this gift from my parents?

[LadyJos]

My parents have very kindly offered to gift us 40k towards buying our first home. We are in our forties with two children and have of course worked hard for about 15 years to save a deposit.

After looking carefully at our finances, it seems we might just be able to buy a house without this 40k, although it would mean other financial sacrifices to make that happen and would make the our mortgage very expensive (although not unaffordable).

I feel I should come clean to my parents and tell them we may be able to make it work without this gift after all. If it were just my dad, I think he would offer the gift (or some of it) anyway. However, if my mum has this information she’ll want to withdraw it all together as she is very tight about money.

They are very well off but not to a ridiculous extent. My husband and I both work hard in good professional jobs. I’m really morally torn over whether to take the gift and make my family’s life financially easier or to explain that it might not be necessary, and lose the gift. AIBU?

Accept the money. All of it. You'd be insane not to. Your parents are wanting to make your life easier so why not? It seems that they also have a similar sum to offer to your sibling.

Use it towards your deposit and/or some towards the purchasing and moving expenses, which can also be considerable.

Do not fall for the holiday idea from earlier in the thread. That's bonkers. If your parents wanted a holiday they presumably would have paid for one from their own funds first.

I think that's minimising it a little - her parents may be generous but I'm sure they would rather have a cushion for their older age too so it is about being fair and honest.

How patronising. I’m sure her parents will still have a cushion for their old age, nobody gives their last penny away.

I think you need to be transparent with them.

So tell them that whilst the money will go a long way to ease pressure and would be of huge benefit to you, you can afford to buy a house without the gift and let them decide how they would like to proceed.

If they think this is the only way you would be able to buy, and your mum is anxious about money, its not fair to let them continue thinking that if it isnt actually the case.

But they never said they wanted a holiday! Some random poster did!

Accept the gift. They can afford it or wouldnt have offered. They want to help and they are. Very kind. Accept it graciously.

Take it. We've given both our two 50.000 towards they're houses. We rather they have it now. No strings attached.

You're right, I didn't, quite new here.

It's a gift and you always accept gifts with good grace. Why would you not and want to make life difficult for yourself and your family?

And make sure ever penny is used for it's intension.

But I'd also check you're not going to get hit with inheritance tax for it once your parents die.

WTAF?

I don't think it's fair to tar all of us with the same brush in either direction! That's what's keeping everyone arguing! This is ONE person from Gen X (a generation who didn't actually suffer from that much generational inequality if we're making sweeping generational statements) who is individually refusing mortgage help.

The comments are overwhelmingly giving her head a wobble, and I strongly don't believe every commenter on this thread was born before 1970.

Oh ffs just take the money

But you can’t afford not to take it as you still need a commercial loan to buy the house. Totally different if you could buy outright and would just sit on the £40k.

I don’t think you should say anything and should increase your deposit by the £40k. I bet your sibling wouldn’t be foolish enough to turn theirs down and that can only lead to resentment.

Well it's not your money so it doesn't matter!

I think you would be pissed off if you gave someone money for a house and they used a significant chunk of it to take you to Vegas. But it doesn't matter if you think it's well spent because it's not what the gift is for.

You could take it if they insist, but mentally allocate it for future use if your parents need help later on.

The use of the phrase "hand on heart" suggests/implies she thinks it will. Hence I indicated it doesn't always. Let's hope it doesn't.

Blossomtoes
Who am I patronising?

She wouldn't. Were IHT be payable it would be payable by the estate.

I’d love to do something like this for my kids when the time comes. Take it with thanks, add your own deposit to it, and use it to get a better house or a smaller mortgage. They will absolutely know you’ve been saving up and they’ve probably been saving the £40k for this very purpose.

Take the gift

Take it. Put it all in to the mortgage. Be extremely grateful. That’s it. There is literally no moral dilemma. Many people had help from their parents to buy their first home and many of those could have probably done it without them.

If you feel bad, work out the interest you will pay on increasing your mortgage by 40k. It will be loads. Take the money.

I Thought this was going to be some good advice like save 10k for renovations or upgrades on the house.
Don’t follow this advice. If I gifted someone 40k to go towards a house (yes it’s a gift but the intention for what the money is for is clear) and they then said they wanted to use 10k of it to take me on a fantastic holiday I’d be pretty pissed and suggest if they only need 30k for the house that’s what I’ll gift

I wouldn't be impressed if someone spent money I'd gifted for a specific reason on taking me on holiday... I'd rather keep the 10k and book the holiday I want!
If it is a generic gift then fine, but it sounds like this is specifically for the house.

I can't believe so many posters think you shouldn't be honest with your parents. I find that disgusting. It would be grabby and deceitful for the OP to keep the truth from her parents. I know she would like the money but liking the money and needing the money are two very different things.

It's irrelevant if the OPs parents are wealthy or not. It's their money. They may want to hang on to it for a while. It's shouldn't be up to the OP to decide to take it from them because she wants it.

My MILs care home costs were over £75k last year. It's not necessarily because someone is 'tight' that they want to keep their money they may want to keep it in case they have to use it.

OP, I think you would be lying to say you are moral about money if you are actually planning to go ahead and not tell your Mum the truth about your financial situation.

What OP are you reading? How is she not being honest? How is she "deciding to take it from them"? Whose choice is it?

They're offering her money for a house and that's what she'll spend it on. What's so disgusting and dishonest and amoral?