To accept this gift from my parents?

[LadyJos]

My parents have very kindly offered to gift us 40k towards buying our first home. We are in our forties with two children and have of course worked hard for about 15 years to save a deposit.

After looking carefully at our finances, it seems we might just be able to buy a house without this 40k, although it would mean other financial sacrifices to make that happen and would make the our mortgage very expensive (although not unaffordable).

I feel I should come clean to my parents and tell them we may be able to make it work without this gift after all. If it were just my dad, I think he would offer the gift (or some of it) anyway. However, if my mum has this information she’ll want to withdraw it all together as she is very tight about money.

They are very well off but not to a ridiculous extent. My husband and I both work hard in good professional jobs. I’m really morally torn over whether to take the gift and make my family’s life financially easier or to explain that it might not be necessary, and lose the gift. AIBU?

Accept the gift. They want you to have it while they are alive not to have to wait until they die. I say this as an older person who doesn't have that much to spare but would give it to my daughter if I did.

Agreed.

No it doesn't always. We have gifted out older two aimilar amounts and will do the same for our younger when he is looking to buy.

Yes, I think I would too!!

OP, use the money partly to put down a bigger deposit and partly for the moving expenses.

Only you know whether they are likely to bring it up all the time, or make you feel beholden to them. If you’re worried about this, then just use what you need and offer the rest back to them.

I am giving a large (for me) sum to my mum towards her deposit. If she spend some of it on taking me on a holiday I would be really really pissed off!!

That said OP I wouldn't tell them. If they can afford it. E.G. I know some of the money I am giving my mum won't be for the deposit but for furniture which she needs. I have offered her a fixed sum and one it is towards the house/ securing her future I am happy to give it. She could get her mortgage without my full amount now (couldn't when I offered) but she has saved more and would be more comfortable to not use the whole amount for the deposit.

I'd sit down and have a proper chat with them. Surely it doesn't have to be all or nothing?

I get the picture! Let’s hope nobody ever piles on you when you say the ‘wrong’ thing. People are allowed different opinions and if you don’t like it you can choose to ignore rather than being so rude. Hope that helps

Accept the gift. You don’t need to go into the ins and outs of your financial situation. You’re going to put the £40k to good use by buying a house for your family.

I would still take it. It will either mean you can get a larger house, a house in a better/ more suitable area for you or mean that you aren't pushing yourselves as much and so have more financial freedom. I don't think there is a moral dilemma at all, unless there are likely to be strings attached.

I’d be livid if my children did this. They’ve been gifted the money for a house, not a holiday! Then to turn it round and make it look like you were treating your parents to a holiday when it’s their money that paid for it would be the height of cheeky fuckery!

Don't do this whatever you do!

Yeah take the money of course.

We've given both our children similar amounts towards a house purchase.

No strings. It doesn't matter if the actual money is physically used for the purchase, or if they use "their" 40k towards the deposit and "our" 40k towards furnishing/renovation/upgrades/whatever.

It might be that using "our" 40k for the house purchase means that they can free up some of their savings for a holiday which would otherwise not be an option for them, or it might be that having that extra buffer means they don't have to worry about childcare costs/length of maternity leave.

It's entirely up to them whether they top up their savings or buy an expensive sofa but I would be more than a little put out if they chose to use some of the money to treat us to a holiday. Use the money as intended (or don't accept the whole amount it in the first place). "Thanks for the lovely offer Mum, but it's more than we need. Keep some of it and treat yourselves" is perfectly acceptable.

Accepting all of the money and then treating us to a holiday (with our own money) is very much not.

Too slow for the edit option.

I see @Menomeno has managed to put it far more succinctly!

You are quite right about one thing. People are allowed different opinions and in my opinion your suggestion (which I wasn't even sure was meant to be taken seriously) is ridiculous. I wasn't intending to be rude, just expressing my honest opinion.

This is a discussion forum. It would be incredibly dull, not to mention unhelpful to those seeking our opinions, if we chose to ignore opinions we don't agree with. Can we agree on that?

I would accept the gift with no moral qualms at all. They want you to have it and you will get a lower interest rate which will help you a lot.

Accept the money with grace and gratitude.

As long as you are using it for your home then i don't see any issue. Are your parents under the impression you cannot buy a house without this help? Or just aware that houses are very expensive.

Do not use their sensible gift on an extravagant holiday as @simonsez suggests. That is really insensitive.

@LadyJos - Are you the only child? If you are, I would definitely take it unless it comes with strings. You don't have to spend it all, if you don't need it but it would help provide you a cushion against unexpected costs a bit further down the track. And if you still feel bad once you have bought your first home and you don't need it all, put it into a high interest account. You could then return it to your parents down the line if they turn out to need it when they are older?

If you have siblings, are they also getting similar amounts given to them? That might change the situation somewhat, unless they are going to benefit too in a similar way. Your parents may have good financial reasons for giving you £40k now

The worrying bit is "if my mum has this information she’ll want to withdraw it all together"

Your parents should be agreeing the "terms" of this gift jointly. Are you certain your mother would want to withdraw the offer if she knew you had savings that you worked hard for over many years? Would she actually stop your dad giving it? It's horribly mean of her to think that way.

Unless they have actually said "we are giving you this because you have no savings", it probably isn't necessary to tell them how much you have, though in your shoes I'd feel uncomfortable if I knew they thought I didn't have the money.

Will there be any conditions? At one point PIL made some noises about 'helping us out' to buy but I know my PIL, they would think they own part of my house even if they legally didn't.

Accept the money gracefully - they don't want your life to be a struggle and know that this will be a great help to your family. Oh, and if they'd wanted to know about your finances surely they'd have asked before offering it so don't lose sleep over it.

Take it! Why not put it into premium bonds/ high interest long term account! Or put it with the deposit you have already saved or bonds for your children.
Buying a house is so expensive, solicitor fee etc moving cost this could be a lovely gift to make things easier.

Take the money. Parents really do enjoy helping their DC out. In August me and DH (DS's stepdad) gave my younger son £55k to allow him to buy in an area close to us. I've got eldest DC living 150 miles South of me, second DC living 150 miles North of me so to have my youngest DC closer to me is wonderful. DH has been over helping him renovate loads of weekends. He invited us all for Xmas dinner too. He comes across to me for dinner on lasagne night most weeks. Let your parents help you. It means they will see you enjoy the house instead of waiting until they are dead for you to inherit.

Thank you, and yes, the same will be offered to my sibling

That’s not how IH works. The money will be taxed as a gift, you don’t have to die to attract the attention of the IRS.

Thank you. In terms of strings my only fear that they made the gift because they were worried about our financial situation, but it’s actually better than I thought.