To not want anything to do with my sister in law?

[grimandtonictl]

Me and my DH have recently found out we are expecting our first child. A massive shock as we have been trying for nearly 10 years with no result. Had our 12 week scan today and have been told everything is progressing as it should.

My parents live locally (20 minute drive) so we went and told them the news and texted DHs parents and close friends and other family the news also.

SIL is younger than my DH. She struggles with mental health issues and IMO she is pampered by her parents- they top up her rent payments, support her with bills etc.

The issue is she dabbles in drugs- cocaine to be precise. Im not saying i think shes going to shove a bag of cocaine up my daughters nose, but drug addicts are not trustworthy people. I have little experience in dealing with drug users so im trying not to form my own opinions here but general consensus etc.

There have been times my in laws have had to bail her out, drug dealers have been at their door etc and the police ended up getting involved around 6 months ago as someone broke into their home while they were on holiday. This wasnt SIL herself I will stress- she was on holiday with them. But there is suspicion it is to do with a drug debt she owed.

She is attending a drug recovery program- again, I know little about these things but after years of ups and downs- can I be expected to trust her? Even if there are results to be seen, I dont know if i can.

It causes my DH a lot of stress as obviously his parents are getting older now and they are extremely upset/stressed out.

We have very little contact with her- I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen her since we got married 13 yeard ago. She didnt even come to our wedding.

AIBU to not want her around my child?

Honestly, I wouldn't ruffle feathers over this. I mean I wouldn't let her babysit, but I'd let her around the child so long as she's not high at that time and there's others around.

Why would she ever be around your child without you being present in the first place? You rarely ever see her yourself.

Stop looking for drama.

How do you know you’re having a daughter at only 12 weeks pregnant?

OP what exactly do you think she'll do? Like others have said you barely see her so it is probably not going to be an issue - unless you don't want her to meet your baby ever and put your foot down, well that could become a bit of a family issue. When she meets her/him you will be there with DP and probably PILs, so I'm sure your baby will be fine.

She's attending a drug recovery program so she is trying and life sounds like it has been difficult for her as well as her parents.

I really thought you were going to say SIL had got really angry about the order in which you told family and friends..

You've seen her a maximum of 5 times in 13 years (unless you're going to drip feed that you've got an extra finger), so what are you worried about?

Sorry i should of been more clear.

Chances are we will visit more regularly. And then there will be things like Christmas etc- she is single, PIL will be unlikely be willing to leave her (understanble) but want to spend a Christmas with their GC etc

They see her everyday so if we are there and she comes round I dont know what to do. I dont want to the one who says "dont touch my baby" but at the same time do I trust her.

Bring around your child could mean anything. I wouldn’t allow someone using drugs to babysit my baby or try to be “fun favourite aunty” to my teen. I think banning her and your child ever being in the same room or being at the same family events is absurd.

There’s a lot of potential here for unnecessary upset, particularly for your in-laws who you say are stressed already. You don’t need to make grand declarations now about a child that’s still in utero. Just navigate each situation as it arises - you say yourself you barely see her.

Trust her with what though? You’ll be stood right there, what harm is she going to do if she touches your baby at a family Christmas? She’s not got an infectious disease.

Why would u not let her touch the baby?
How strange.
Would I let her babysit? Probably not.
But she's hardly going to be doing anything untoward sitting in the room is she?
Plus she might not be arsed about the baby in the slightest. So you might not have to worry..

I think you are naturally feeling very protective towards your much-longed for baby but you cannot spoil enjoyment of your pregnancy with what-ifs. Yes, there will be some friends and family you envisage being very involved with your child and others less so but I think it is too early to be planning exactly how your SiL will be allowed to interact with them. Things may be very different in her life in 6 months time, never mind next (or future) Christmas.

Choosing drama

I’m sorry- what?! Do you trust her to hold your baby with you right there…?! If you were asking about her being left unattended or wanting to babysit I would get it, but you just seem to be looking for drama.

Definitely attention seeking.

get a grip. It sounds like u have been waiting to push her to the outside. FFS.

You think touching her will do what?
My mom is a drug addict. She doesn't babysit ds, and barely sees him, but if she is does I'm right there. There is zero risk.

She’s unlikely to be snorting lines of your kids back. Just don’t asked her to babysit, job done.

I really don’t see the issue as it’s not like you’re going to be asking her to babysit. If she wants to hold the baby (which is very likely) then as long as she’s not off her face on drugs I don’t see the problem, not when you’re there. Enjoy your long awaited pregnancy. I know hormones are raging and you’ll be wanting to protect your child but it’s a non event right now, please put it to the back of your mind

Probably had an NIPT…?

To not want her to be providing any form of lone childcare, not unreasonable.
To not want her around your child generally, highly unreasonable.

You're being a bit silly I'm afraid. Having a child does not give you the right to start dictating relationships between other family members, and you need to drop any misconceptions that it does right now. You barely see SIL, so keep that up. If PIL have had issues at their house then Christmas or your child being babysat is at your house only, SIL doesn't babysit. SIL can visit and play with the baby because you or DH supervise. End of drama.

OP, you’re 12 weeks pregnant. I really think you should focus on pregnancy, then birth, then baby, and leave the potential interactions and influences of a substance-using family member that you aren’t close to for some point far in the future.

I say this kindly but she's not likely to be very interested in your baby, sounds like she's got enough on her plate already. Plus she doesn't see you much either, so doesn't seem that bothered by developing the relationship.

Also agree with PP that you can't start using your child to dictate what goes on in other people's homes.

Grandparents may want to visit at Christmas, they may not. I think you're getting a little carried away that your child is the centre of everyone's universe and may end up a little upset in the process.

Just try to relax and focus on your pregnancy. There's still a long way to go and it's important you keep things in perspective.

It seems like you are trying create a problem here, where there is non.

There are plenty of legitimate worries in pregnancy, don't make up unnecessary ones

Please try and manage your anxiety about this. There are many many people who use drugs and never harm a child. No use worrying about scenarios that haven't even happened yet. Congrats on your baby.

They see her everyday so if we are there and she comes round I dont know what to do. I dont want to the one who says "dont touch my baby" but at the same time do I trust her

This makes absolutely no sense. What would touching your baby do? How would this be a problem? Trust her with what? I just don’t understand your concerns. Either yourself or DH would be there with baby so what nefarious act do you think she will commit with either yourself/DH and/or grandparents in the same room as herself and baby? Do you think she is going to inject your baby with something in front of you, or???