To not want anything to do with my sister in law?

[grimandtonictl]

Me and my DH have recently found out we are expecting our first child. A massive shock as we have been trying for nearly 10 years with no result. Had our 12 week scan today and have been told everything is progressing as it should.

My parents live locally (20 minute drive) so we went and told them the news and texted DHs parents and close friends and other family the news also.

SIL is younger than my DH. She struggles with mental health issues and IMO she is pampered by her parents- they top up her rent payments, support her with bills etc.

The issue is she dabbles in drugs- cocaine to be precise. Im not saying i think shes going to shove a bag of cocaine up my daughters nose, but drug addicts are not trustworthy people. I have little experience in dealing with drug users so im trying not to form my own opinions here but general consensus etc.

There have been times my in laws have had to bail her out, drug dealers have been at their door etc and the police ended up getting involved around 6 months ago as someone broke into their home while they were on holiday. This wasnt SIL herself I will stress- she was on holiday with them. But there is suspicion it is to do with a drug debt she owed.

She is attending a drug recovery program- again, I know little about these things but after years of ups and downs- can I be expected to trust her? Even if there are results to be seen, I dont know if i can.

It causes my DH a lot of stress as obviously his parents are getting older now and they are extremely upset/stressed out.

We have very little contact with her- I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen her since we got married 13 yeard ago. She didnt even come to our wedding.

AIBU to not want her around my child?

Just when you think you've heard the heights of batshittery on here, along comes this!!!!

She’s no different from someone who would be heavily addicted to alcohol. I don’t think anything needs to be “done”. She’s not a monster. I don’t think you need to give it anymore thought. Let things be. She won’t be babysitting or racking up a line on her high chair so live and let live. No drama, not good for your health and well-being. Congratulations btw.

There is a world of sensible compromise available here. No you don’t have to let her babysit, but there’s no need for a total ostracisation. You will always be there with your baby (and there is no indication she would be likely to cause harm anyway).

To force her family to choose between her and your baby as you suggest would be cruel beyond measure.

OP, huge congratulations on your pregnancy.

Of all the many things to be thinking about as you approach the birth of your baby this is not one of them. You have worked it up into a drama it isn’t.

Your SIL will not be babysitting , if ever the circumstances somehow arrive then just graciously say thank you so much for the offer but we’re fine.

SIL is in a recovery programme, she is not a menace to your baby just by being in the same room. You cannot catch addiction issues via cuddles.

i bet you have been around people who use drugs, you just don’t know it. Because millions use recreational drugs socially and thrive in professional and other jobs.

Focus on thinking about childcare, your finances, baby proofing your house, doing the things you want to do before the baby arrives, planning nice times.

This.

Oh dear OP. This thread isn’t going so well. FWIW - as someone said upthread, I know dr/surgeons/nurses who actually use cocaine socially, these are the same people you’re trusting to deliver your baby.

I get your precious about your baby - but in this instance your looking for drama where there is none. You perceive the SIL to be an issue before it even becomes an issue, you want to cut her out before she even does anything. Don’t you think you are being a bit ridiculous and frankly quite mean? Overreaction on your part is going to divide this family, and if you make your inlaws choose and when they choose your SIL - your child will lose out. Is that what you want? Step back and see how you catastrophising (sp) is not going to help. At all.

Just make sure you are always there when you visit and DC doesn’t have overnights with GP’s? Just ask if they babysit they do so at your house where DC is “settled.” If she lives there you will possibly have to interact at some point.

Focus on your pregnancy, your marriage, your health, your home.

A grandchild will be lovely for your PILs, and you have absolutely no requirement to allow your baby to be alone with your SIL if you're worried about her capacity or behaviour, or the people she mixes with etc.

Stop making drama where there isn't any.

I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Chances are she will have no interest in your baby anyway.

One of my cousins was like your sil and she had no interest in her siblings kids, never even acknowledged them when they were in the same room. She's still the same even though most are teenagers and young adults. Which is worse though a sister having an interest or not being interested at all?

What?! As long as you’re not leaving the baby in her care, what is the issue? The child is going to come across all sorts of people in life - it’s up to you to protect her where necessary, not ban her from it entirely. I honestly can’t grasp the issue if she spends Christmas with you or whatever. My sister doesn’t do drugs, but nor would I trust her to babysit - I haven’t explicitly told her that!

She may not be interested. She sounds like she has a lot on her plate.

You're worrying unnecessarily right now. First of all she might have no interest in your child. It happens a lot more often than you think, even with people that don't already have a lot on your plate. Then , you barely see her and while there might be family occasions there will be few and far between, with your inlaws ,you and your DH there to supervise and intervene. Touching the baby won't harm them. Just don't leave the baby alone with her,have her baby sit and if she's high when you see her you can just leave if you don't want that around your child.

None of this is as urgent or dire or as risky as you're making yourself believe.

Definitely agree with this.

If you already are low contact then just keep it that way.

I'd let her visit the baby and hold the baby. Like you said, she won't shove a bag a cocaine up the nose of your DC, but don't leave them unsupervised.

Don't be one of those parents OP.
Holier than thou much!

You realise there are everyday people who were RAISED by drug addicts?

Like pp have said, stop trying to control the family dynamics just because you're having a child.
SIL is your in-laws child and they love her dearly despite her struggles.
She gets support from them which she clearly needs.
You sound a bit resentful of this but that's not for you to get involved in.
It causes your DH distress because he too loves her.
Don't be the one to make things worse.

This with bells on.

My SIL is a drug addict and we have nothing to do with her at all. This is DH’s choice as much as mine, she is trouble and there’s no way we want that sort of bullshit on our doorstep. She’s also had a lot of trouble with dangerous drug dealers and indeed the police over the years. She’s currently homeless because she’s shacked up with a heroin addict and become addicted to that herself. They keep causing trouble in shelters so get kicked out and PILs have understandably washed their hands of her unless she sorts her shit out, she kept stealing their belongings.

Wealthy middle class family and she was privately educated, nothing in her upbringing to cause this and DH is totally normal. MIL just thinks she’s severely mentally ill and blames that, maybe the case but we don’t want any part in it.

So you spent 10 years trying to conceive and are now 12 weeks pregnant.. and your biggest concern is around someone you currently see less than every two years?

Calm down OP, honestly. There are bigger things to worry about.

@Sartre I would be confident that there is something in your SIL's childhood. I would take a guess at childhood/teen sexual abuse. Fair enough that you have nothing to do with her, it sounds a more extreme situation that OP's SIL, but I think you and DH could think a bit more carefully about your opinion of her.

Load of replies by posters who have never been in that position giving their opinions. Your feelings are justified, and trust your instincts. My brother is unstable mentally, I wouldn’t trust him even now. Someone on drugs is not in their right mind.

I do think YABU to unilaterally say that you won't allow her to be around your child at all. Growing up, my uncle was an alcoholic who was in a relationship with a heroin addict. While I never had a close relationship with him I saw him at family events and I am glad I had that limited relationship with him (he has now passed away). I grew up happily and without any of these struggles 'rubbing off' on me. I do not think your niece should be allowed to babysit or be one on one with the child, and I think it would be best not to visit her at her house. However, her struggles do not mean that she has nothing to offer as an auntie.

did you clock the op has seen her SIL

ONCE
in
13 YEARS

I found it hard to get past the part where you said you told your parents in person but sent a text to DH's parents. Seems like you are simply laying the groundwork nice and early to cut your in laws out of your life.

Future thread titles include but are not limited to: PIL enable SIL, AIBU to go NC with them all?

Yes I agree with this.

Do you seize opportunities to take control and centre stage? Do you often exploit other people's foibles to promote your own agenda? Do you like conflict where people are forced to take sides or pay attention to you?

Seems to me you want drama.

why would she be around your child you hardly see her what is she going to do to your baby ?

OP, I think you are taking a bit of a beating here. Posters are right that you are making this into more of a drama than it needs to be, but if you've been trying for 10 years, I can understand why things feel so completely overwhelming.

Re your SIL, in the beginning, your baby isn't going anywhere without you anyway. As the baby grows and has more involvement with other family members, you can play that by ear according to how you feel at the time. it is totally not worth stressing about now because, and this is very important... YOU get to control who has the baby and spends time with the baby.

I'd also say that you need to understand that someone who is an addict or high being around your baby is not intrinsically dangerous but from experience, I can tell you that yes, you will be on higher alert and that as the in law, you will also be pooh poohed at times. Luckily, DH was on my side so when we said that BIL was not allowed to ever drive any of our DC anywhere (when we visited DH's side of the family), even if he was with other people, I got lots of eye rolling, but it was fine and that was a line I was not willing to cross.

Go back into your pregnancy bubble and let it go for now with th knowledge that you will be in control.