To not want anything to do with my sister in law?

[grimandtonictl]

Me and my DH have recently found out we are expecting our first child. A massive shock as we have been trying for nearly 10 years with no result. Had our 12 week scan today and have been told everything is progressing as it should.

My parents live locally (20 minute drive) so we went and told them the news and texted DHs parents and close friends and other family the news also.

SIL is younger than my DH. She struggles with mental health issues and IMO she is pampered by her parents- they top up her rent payments, support her with bills etc.

The issue is she dabbles in drugs- cocaine to be precise. Im not saying i think shes going to shove a bag of cocaine up my daughters nose, but drug addicts are not trustworthy people. I have little experience in dealing with drug users so im trying not to form my own opinions here but general consensus etc.

There have been times my in laws have had to bail her out, drug dealers have been at their door etc and the police ended up getting involved around 6 months ago as someone broke into their home while they were on holiday. This wasnt SIL herself I will stress- she was on holiday with them. But there is suspicion it is to do with a drug debt she owed.

She is attending a drug recovery program- again, I know little about these things but after years of ups and downs- can I be expected to trust her? Even if there are results to be seen, I dont know if i can.

It causes my DH a lot of stress as obviously his parents are getting older now and they are extremely upset/stressed out.

We have very little contact with her- I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen her since we got married 13 yeard ago. She didnt even come to our wedding.

AIBU to not want her around my child?

Should add, quite a lot of surgeons ‘dabble’ with cocaine frequently on a recreational basis. Would you never want her to have a surgical consult on f needed, really how would you know? What about if she needs tonsils taken out. Possibly the same person has a toot or two within the prior month. I’m not saying this is great, or even okay, I’m just saying don’t kid yourself about this, and maybe it’s all a bit hysterical.

This is a non issue. I wouldn't let her babysit, but it sounds like this wouldn't happen anyway.

Agree with your dh that the baby is not left unattended with SIL. I am not sure I would leave the baby at GPs house either if dealers know this address is linked to an addict with drug debts.

Your in laws can enjoy a lovely relationship with your baby. I doubt your SIL will be interested anyway. I wouldn’t say anything, just agree how to manage the situation with dh quietly.

It is honestly staggering to me that at such a happy time you are already focused on trying cut someone out of your baby's life.

I wouldn't want her to babysit but think you are being very dramatic about her visiting or touching your baby - honestly, ridiculously so.

her- I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen her since we got married 13 yeard ago. She didnt even come to our wedding.

and you start a very lengthy thread about not wanting her to be in your baby’s life?

“Chances are” you will be seeing your PILs more

how regularly do you currently see them?

I initially voted YANBU because I'd not want someone with their own drug issues being responsible for my baby, or being someone that a child had a close bond with, or would look to as an example.

But YABU to start looking for drama such as telling SIL she can't touch your baby when your visit your parents in law. You hardly see her now, don't have a strong relationship with her, so she's unlikely to factor much in baby's life.

Congratulations on your pregnancy @grimandtonictl .

I wonder if this is more to do with you feeling that you will finally have the power to demonstrate your disapproval, rather than a safety concern. If you're honest with yourself. It is very easy to disapprove from a distance, much harder to empathise.

The truth is that you have no idea how you would react in PIL's place in practice. Do you know why SIL became dependent on drugs? It may relate to trauma in her childhood or teens. Speaking from personal experience, if there was a traumatic incident/s, her family may know nothing about it.

I get the impression that you feel your standing in the family will rise on becoming a mother, but very often the opposite occurs. I think you will need your PILs onside.

Talk about creating unnecessary drama!

It's likely that you'll look back on this and realise that your early pregnancy hormones are making you act ridiculous!

Congratulations! Don't let this non-issue spoil your pregnancy experience.

Can't believe at 12 weeks pregnant, this is high on your agenda.

Seriously, focus on your pregnancy and stop being so dramatic.

I think MN is in for a long 9 months...
There are several other potential disasters during/after pregnancy that you could worry yourself about
Please remember that adrenalin you produce affects your baby.

Yes agree. On the occasions you see her, the baby isn't going to be left alone. Don't look to start a load of grief

None of your business if your in laws help her financially. That had nothing to do with you.

I think you're being very judgy and pretty awful about someone who is struggling and needs help.

Aa others have said she doesn't need to be around the child unsupervised.

You're being a drama queen

This

Don't go over for Christmas or gatherings then. You can't make her feel uncomfortable in the one place she's receiving support.
Not leaving her alone with the baby, sure. Not wanting her touching her or in the same room is ridiculous, and spiteful.

You'll also find that plenty of professionals, including doctors, who might even need to care for your daughter in the future have/ do dabble in cocaine or other things. It doesn't automatically make you an untrustworthy or awful person.

congratulations on your pregnancy
I think your thoughts on your sister'n'law is highlighting deep anxiety. Your months off giving birth but you are already thinking about avoiding your s'n'law. Sure scratch your s'n'law off the potential baby sitting list but for now focus on the parts of being pregnant you are enjoying - leave the question for seeing your s'n'law in the future.

I think stopping her be around your child will cause a rift. She can still spend time with you and your baby but not alone. Also you never know, her being around the baby may be a great form of therapy for her.

what is sad is that you have no doubt really spoilt how happy DH is by the news

You are over reacting. This woman is not going to to anything to harm your baby.

Your baby isn’t going to pick up a coke habit because it’s aunty stroked her foot.

I totally get not trusting her to be with baby alone or whatever but she can’t even sit in the same room incase what she lets off some kind of addict voodoo? Onto your baby is bonkers.

Ate you just looking for an excuse to not have to see your PIL’s more when you have a baby? It seems that way to me as you hardly see SIL, you have no reason to believe she will be interested in your baby and there is no obvious danger to a baby in being touched by, or in the same room as, a relative who is known to do drugs.

You are playing quite a dangerous game here in trying to dictate to your in laws and you need to remember that this baby is also your husbands and this is his family.

Well they won't want to spend every Christmas with their grandchild at the expense of not seeing their vulnerable DD. She is their daughter. If you make them choose they will choose her.

And why would you not let your DH's sister touch his baby?

When I read threads like this I realise how these IL Relationships have become so untenable.

What a drama over nothing.