New mum, Can someone please help me understand why I feel resentment towards grandparents?

[Fring2]

Hi, I’ve had a baby (first time mum) in the last two months and I have this almost constant dread of my partners parents coming over and I don’t really understand why.

They asked to come over immediately after we told them our baby had been born (we weren’t even home), we stayed over in the hospital and came home the next day and they asked to come over again. My partner asked me if it was ok and I said yes although I REALLY wish so much I’d said no. I’d had about 2hrs sleep in 48hrs along with giving birth etc and I was just a zombie. All I remember about that day is them coming over. I think this night has a huge part in my issue which I can’t fully understand. They then came over 4 times in the first 2 weeks. I felt so smothered by it all. Every time they leave they make a comment like “we’ll pop over again in a few days time” and it GRATES on me. They had a week off visiting and usually do call ahead before turning up but we have had two occasions of them “popping in” when they’ve been in the area.

They’re nice people and I get along with them.

I feel like it shouldn’t annoy me as much as it does and feel there is some sort of psychological ‘thing’ that’s bothered me but I can’t put my finger on it to help start understand why I feel this way.

it’s the middle of winter and the short days/long nights with a newborn are quite hard hitting on the emotions. The slightest inconvenience irritates me atm. As I write this I think it hinges slightly on PND but I’m not sure. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just don’t want to see them for a long time but how can I say that reasonably… Maybe I need to go out the house when they next come round although that will probably be seen as weird.

any thoughts or opinions?

Do they come for an entire day, or just an hour or so?

Do they arrange a convenient time with you, or just turn up?

You feel what you feel, no point labeling it as 'unreasonable' or otherwise, but its a good idea to try to figure out why., maybe talk to a trusted friend who knows you/ the situation?

You need to put some boundaries in place to protect your MH. Could your husband explain that youre feeling overwhelmed and rather than have the ILs visit for the time being he’ll take the baby round there’s every so often? This would come with the added benefit of a few hours baby free

Are you home alone or is DH there? I just wouldn’t answer the door and turn your phone off. If there are questions, you and baby were napping.

Are they doing anything helpful?
The thing is, when you’re a bit overwhelmed any little extra thing feels like a huge imposition.

If they come over you have to-
be dressed
be awake and out of bed
have milk in for tea/coffee
not nave underwear draped on radiators and lastweeks chip wrappers cleared up etc.

It’s the need to mentally check you are ‘ready for visitors’ that’s so draining.

Could you establish some patterns so you don’t need to prepare for them in any way? Or they earn their keep by bringing the milk and bread or whatever.

I can understand why you feel the way you do and I've never given birth. It's as though your new baby is a form of entertainment for them. Thing is, mother and baby are basically a single unit for the first few months, which makes you part of the show. So I'm really not surprised you feel out of sorts.

Do they expect you to host them when they come or do they help out? Do they stay for ages or just pop in for a couple hours? How often do your family come over?
You need to protect your MH but provided they’re nice people just wanting to see their GC, not being demanding or passing judgement, it’s just new grandparents wanting to see their new grandchild, and it doesn’t sound as though it’s crazily often, as long as they’re not there all day when they do visit.
Maybe use the time they visit as a time to leave baby with them for a couple hours or so and go take a nap, or a walk, or a shower.
Of course, if they’re there all day, telling you what to do, expecting you to host them, telling you how to raise your child, then put a stop to it.

I felt like this too, my own parents included. I would hate when she would leave and say she'd be back in a few days. We had words and I explained I just wanted that precious time the 3 of us but it didn't make much difference. I felt suffocated with people and just wanted left the hell alone. I really don't think it's abnormal to feel the way you do, it's a huge change and adjustment period and it's hard to manage when you feel like you've got people breathing down your neck.

OP, you've just had a baby. It is natural to want to be alone, just you and little one, and they are invading your space.

You wouldn't go near a wild animal that had just given birth because you would get attacked. Yet they are invading your space, probably with only good intentions but you are very naturally not happy about it.

You need to set some boundaries. Learn to say no without feeling guilty. Explain to your dh that your hormones make you protective and grumpy, and it would be better if they gave the visiting a rest for a while.

Anyone with any intelligence will understand

I think it’s connected to you and your bonding with baby and it’s not unusual to feel like this. I’d put a time frame into their visits, ask them to diary their visits as you have other visitors and need (not want, need) also to have some days alone at home to get to know and then bond with your baby. It’s such a big thing, it takes your brain a while to catch up with what has happened to you and to get your head round your new responsibilities, your own feelings about your body and new feelings towards your baby, partner, routine and life. You need space and whilst it’s lovely to have visitors you do need time to just get used to your new life. If you have missing time about how your birth went, you can book in to see the hospital for a debrief too. I thought they’d forgotten to do the post birth checks and talk with me before my discharge. I was still in hospital and mentioned it, they had done it, reminded me and I remembered a few snippets but was still in such a daze I don’t recall most of it to this day!

I don't think unreasonable, you are a first time mummy and it's one of the most special times and bonding times between mother and baby and as a family unit in general. It doesn't sound like they are doing anything on purpose but it is an invasion if privacy and they are popping over quite a lot and especially after you've just give birth. It would be nice if they said when would you like us to come again and leave it up to your convenience. They seem to not be thinking of you and if you might be busy or not with baby. It does have to be addressed or this will keep happening. I think you have to be honest that you appreciate their visits but could they call before coming and maybe make it once a week or once every two weeks as you ate finding all the visits overwhelming. If they are as nice as you say they will understand!

Lack of sleep does strange things to you. Isn't used in army training for nothing... As a dil who's mil snubbed her dc I say try and acknowledge the dgps want to be dgps!! Make sure your dh is home when they visit. Ask dh to tell them popping in is too stressful but you are free at x time... Then you can excuse yourself more easily of to rent to feed dc on private it have a nap. And dh can be the host and make the cups of tea.

I get it, I feel similar with my in laws. Part of it is simply that there are few people on this earth who I would want to see that often!

But I find that visits like that tend to get me out of tune with my baby - like we have to get back in touch with each other after he's been passed around. Most species need to know their babies smell like them to accept them, so humans are probably no different!

I got really cross at the last family party when we were trying to leave, my son was getting agitated with all the bright lights and noise so I was trying to calm him, a random aunt was trying to talk to me as if nothing was different then someone kept calling my name over and over, only to tell my son had done a vom on his shoulder. I just thought, well if you all weren't arsing distracting me I could be making him happy.

If they ask next time, just say you've had a really busy Christmas and you're planning to have a couple of weeks off visits to get a routine sorted, and you'll let them know when you're ready.

Are they helpful or are they wanting entertaining. Nothing worse than being exhausted and making small talk.
They should be saying, go have a shower/bath whilst we watch the baby, or bringing lunch round for you. Or something like that.

Your hormones are all over the place, you've been through a major life and body change. You have this little thing to look after so I get it, I felt the same!
For me it was a control thing - I went along with things when first baby was born and just assumed that everyone else including grandparents knew better than me and that I should give them time to bond with baby etc etc but then what about me?! Second time for me was better.

I think you just need a bit of time to reflect on what has happened without people popping over especially if they aren't telling you they are coming beforehand and if they hog the baby when at your home.
Ensure you are honest with your partner if you don't want people around and this goes for grandparents constantly wanting updates and pictures of baby.
Just take a moment, you can do that.

This..hope you can find some compromise with them though ...they are excited and enthusiastic about having a grandchild. I would find a way to include them..saying this as someone who had grandparents who weren't even remotely interested.

I felt like this with DC1. Couldn’t explain it, no backstory. Just irrational rage. I blame hormones, lack of sleep, no control over anything any more, pressure to do everything myself, maybe a tiny bit of PND?

I regret being such a bitch now because whenever I’ve needed help with babysitting, toddler taking, appointments etc they have always been there. They now have a brilliant relationship with DC because they were so desperate to be involved. It’s helpful to have a village to raise children, it just took me a while and 2 more DC to appreciate it!

It sounds like they are crossing your boundaries and that is peaking your feelings.

Mate. It's all hormones. And you are absolutely allowed to say 'no'.

My inlaws came 4 times in one day with various family members when I was one week post c section. They visited every 2 days at least for a few months. I also got very very annoyed by this, and started resenting them. It stopped after a few months. The actual UNANNOUNCED visits stopped when I didn't answer the door a few times and pretended to be out.

They are now a huge help to me and a huge source of childcare, so for me all of those unannounced visits were worth it!

It's their first grandchild, I can't imagine how excited they must be. They seem like they are planning on being present, helpful grandparents so I would just put up with it it looks like it's slowly tapering off.

It's very annoying though I feel for you!

I like my MIL but I resented her coming at first….and she was coming and walking the dog and I’d pretend to nap with baby not to see her. Having a baby makes you weird! She never did anything wrong. Still felt weird about her being around. It gets better!

With DC1, my parents came to hospital the minute visiting hours started, and left when they were kicked out at the end of the day. No thought that I'd been up for 48 hours, that DC needed feeding and care, that me or DH might want to hold our own child, that we might have other visitors. Didn't even bring me any food. With DC2, they rocked up the morning after the late night homebirth and only left once we'd put DC1 to bed at 7.30pm.

I'm still fucking pissed off even now and the kids are in university and DM is dead.

@Fring2

i think it’s about two things

first visitors being selfish both in timing and expectations and not centering the new mum and her needs which should be the priority. As you say coming too soon, too often, staying too long, expecting to be served when there.

Also wanting to take / hog the baby and ignoring you (luckily my in laws live abroad which created a natural barrier my MIL is baby obsessed and to would have been much more difficult if she lived close by) but PILs did basically ignore me and expected me to hand over my baby which is incredibly fucking rude. Not even a ‘how are you?’ Or ‘congratulations’ just taking the baby and then trying to undermine breast feeding (as who feeds the baby controls the baby).

this doesn’t have to be in laws though it often is. Maybe on average we find it easier to be frank with our own family about what is and isn’t ok.

but I also think there is a deeper primal thing to it tbh. I think it’s normal
to feel more close and comfortable with your own family. But certainly for me my PIL who come from a very patriarchal culture tried to impose their will. It was all dressed up as ‘help’ but the gist was ‘give me the baby so I can show you how it’s done / do it right/ better than you.’

Still, successful motherhood is based on having good and strong boundaries. Start now.

How do you want to change things? can you take charge of the visits? Plan the next one - maybe meet them
out somewhere so you can end it when you want to? And then say ‘no that doesn’t work for me / us?’ To
other requests.

my PIL hated my boundaries at first but I was polite but firm and now 10 years in the relationship is fine. They have come to accept my boundaries (though they still struggle that they can’t dictate to me). But I stand firm, so I’m happy, so the kids are happy when they visit so things are good so they accept it.

Find your voice. You are in charge. Make sure your DP is on board and will back you up. good luck

@RobertaFirmino what a good summary and if they take the baby without mum's consent they also break up that unit.

Yes! I have this. The rage i feel whenever I see them driving down the drive, arriving unannounced and just walking right into the house. I used to go walk the dog at 9am (with a 8 week old baby) just to avoid her. I hear you, and it's so bloody frustrating. I now keep the door locked and if I see then coming then we're miraculously upstairs tidying and didn't hear the door.

They come too often and it’s intrusive. You need time and space to adjust to motherhood- it’s nothing personal. Tell them you’ll invite them when you’d like them to come.