New mum, Can someone please help me understand why I feel resentment towards grandparents?

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Hi, I’ve had a baby (first time mum) in the last two months and I have this almost constant dread of my partners parents coming over and I don’t really understand why.

They asked to come over immediately after we told them our baby had been born (we weren’t even home), we stayed over in the hospital and came home the next day and they asked to come over again. My partner asked me if it was ok and I said yes although I REALLY wish so much I’d said no. I’d had about 2hrs sleep in 48hrs along with giving birth etc and I was just a zombie. All I remember about that day is them coming over. I think this night has a huge part in my issue which I can’t fully understand. They then came over 4 times in the first 2 weeks. I felt so smothered by it all. Every time they leave they make a comment like “we’ll pop over again in a few days time” and it GRATES on me. They had a week off visiting and usually do call ahead before turning up but we have had two occasions of them “popping in” when they’ve been in the area.

They’re nice people and I get along with them.

I feel like it shouldn’t annoy me as much as it does and feel there is some sort of psychological ‘thing’ that’s bothered me but I can’t put my finger on it to help start understand why I feel this way.

it’s the middle of winter and the short days/long nights with a newborn are quite hard hitting on the emotions. The slightest inconvenience irritates me atm. As I write this I think it hinges slightly on PND but I’m not sure. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just don’t want to see them for a long time but how can I say that reasonably… Maybe I need to go out the house when they next come round although that will probably be seen as weird.

any thoughts or opinions?

I felt the same way, so I know what you mean. Wouldn't have made a difference had they waited on me hand and foot, cleaned the house, brought me presents and made endless cups of tea - something about their presence made me weirdly possessive about my baby. I just didn't want them there. It's really hard to make sense of but I will try here.

It started when I was pregnant - not immediately but somewhere in my 2nd trimester. I started to get really stressed about either sets of parents coming in and taking control of everything and bossing me around. So I think having control was something fundamental to it.

My DH is close to his parents and overall they are good people. Not perfect people but good people and there's no way he would have stood for me excluding his parents for no real reason, so I did have to be reasonable. I'm glad he took that stance and didn't blindly go along with me alienating people. However, he did put in place the boundaries e.g you can come but only for this time, that day doesn't work for us, if you come you need to do xyz, we've had too many visitors we need some space now - maybe X day etc etc and he did put the walls up the first week I was out of hospital.

Something changed somewhere along the way - maybe around 5-6mths. Not sure what exactly. I think I saw the way MIL loved DC and something sort of clicked - no one else outside of DH and I are going to love this child as much as their Grandparents. But I also found I did have a voice and MIL mostly listened, supported and accommodated, if I said 'no DC needs a nap', 'no that time doesn't work for us because DC needs xyz' his parents would work with what worked best for me/DC and if on the rare times they made a remark (and it was rare) e.g well can't DC nap at Y time instead, I realised I did have the inner gumption to say 'no' to which they'd nod, say ok and get on board.

So the best explanation I can come up with is, I've always been pretty laid back and gone along with things to avoid any confrontation. But then as I became a parent, I realised I needed to be the person in charge but I didn't feel strong enough to start wrestling for it, so it felt easier to hide away instead. But actually the reality was - there was a bit of a passing the baton thing going off. MIL wasn't trying to undermine me, she just wanted to help and be a part of DC lives. DH would support me and back me.

I don't know if it was PND, my own insecurity, a fear over lack of control, a protectiveness and possessiveness over my baby, or if I just needed the space to assert myself as the Mum. I really don't know exactly but I know I felt that way and overtime it went away and now I'm not really sure why I was like that. DC adores their grandparents and our lives are better with them in it. It genuinely warms my heart to see DC running to their grandparents full of smiles and love.

This,

You need to set clear boundaries going forward.
I remember not wanting my MIL near my newborn & I didn't understand why. Now I realise It's was just instinct & completely normal.

Your baby, your rules. However, it makes me sad that so many women are happy for their own mothers to practically move in (not all but many) yet want to keep their MIL at arms length.

My older two are young adults and DD2 is a teenager and as things stand there’s a high chance DS will become a parent first. (No guarantees on any of it of course!) I would very much hope to meet any new DGC within a week or so assuming everyone is well and healthy but then just give them space until we fall into a routine. I’d hope time for GPs would be split evenly. I wouldn’t want to offer more help to DD than she was offering to her MIL. I wouldn’t think that fair. I’d expect to share with the paternal GM in the same way as I’d expect DIL to do the same. I treat my daughters the same as my son. That won’t change when they become parents as I 100% will not want a situation where I’m closer to DDs’ children than to DS’s. That’s the case with my own MIL (much closer to SIL’s kids despite living local to us) and it’s always been a real sticking point in my relationship with her. It’s horrible and I will not make my son feel like his children are any less precious to me than those of his sisters.

Could you just say (or event better, your husband say) that you just feel like you need some space and the two of you will let them know when it's OK to come?

Don't feel bad for feeling how you do, sometimes things are just heightened... I know this is silly and very much superficial in comparison, but after I had my second I suddenly had no patience at all for my cat who I'd had for 10 years and often got really irritated by her being around when DS was a newborn.

However, it makes me sad that so many women are happy for their own mothers to practically move in (not all but many) yet want to keep their MIL at arms length.

I wouldn’t want my mother to move-in and before I had my first, our relationship had always been rough, but I still felt more comfortable around my mum and having her around me than my MIL who I get along with but didn’t know well. My mother has seen my breasts, seen me nude, and knew what it was like to have an emcs and could understand my pain. I was not comfortable taking out my breasts in front of my in-laws to nurse, being in pain and worrying about leaking blood or milk through my clothes.

Many women aren’t so comfortable with their MILs that they’re happy for them to be around when they are in such a state even if they get on well.

I didn’t keep MiL at arms length (she was the first family member to hold DS1), but it would be a lie that part of me did due to her thoughtless comments and jokes about my birth trauma.

@phoenixrosehere, but your trauma and CS is particular to you so doesn’t apply to all women. Not all women are in ‘a state’ after birth. Nor are all women self conscious about feeding in front of people. I was fine with that as most women I know had breastfed so it seemed normalised to me. That doesn’t mean you must be fine too, just that your birth experience is just yours.

My point is probably more relevant to what happens after the first 6mths. It makes me sad that so many women foster such a close bond between their children and their own parents and don’t want or care about the same bond with the PIL. I absolutely do not want to be in that position so I will not allow my relationship with either if my daughters’ children to somehow be stronger than with my son’s children. I will do everything I can to equalise that.

Yes THIS. Should pin it to the top of the grandsnet board!

You won’t ‘allow’ @montysorry ?

your DIL might want different things to what you needed or your daughters want.

you can hope / strive. But that will require LISTENING TO YOUR DIL. Waiting to be invited, accepting her preferences even if you don’t like them.

trying to force is the worst thing you can do as as others have said has permanent affects.

a decade on I keep my MIL at arms length given what she tried to force.

the mother if the baby holds the power. The way to a close relationship is respectfully accepting that not bossing her about.

Your hormones are all over the place right now, and you’re exhausted. That’s enough on its own for anyone to want their own space. You need tIme And space to establish yourselves.

However if your PIL aren’t normally controlling or whatever, try and remember that they are just so excited to be grandparents. They want to share the joy and excitement, so don’t snub them at this point. Try and get your partner to talk to them and explain you’re too exhausted for visitors right now - is next week ok? Hopefully they’ll ask what they can do to help- don’t be afraid to ask.

they’ll calm down, and as your baby grows (in 6/12 months time) hopefully they’ll have him for a few hours here and there or even overnight and you’ll appreciate the bond they have with the baby.

I think you just want some time to yourself and on some level they probably annoy you a bit !land you find yourself thinking that youd rather have that time alone.

When you have a baby you become very popular.

@Fernsfernsferns you have completely misunderstood. Of course it will be up to my DIL. But however it is with them, my point is that I won’t then give more to my daughters. It will not sit in any way comfortable with me to have a closer relationship with my grandchildren from my girls than those from my son. I refuse to put my children in the same position that my mil put me. They will get the same love, time, support, visits etc. it’s something I feel really strongly about.

Where did I say all? Nowhere did I say all women had experiences like mine so don’t add things to my post that are obviously not there!

I said MANY women will and are more comfortable doing those things around their own mums than their MIL which is true!

I was only speaking of my own experience and that it is normal not to be as comfortable with your MIL postnatal than your mum. I do realise that I missed a word and “about did” keep her at arms length but bit the bullet and fostered the relationship with DH. Not that it mattered, DH noticed the obvious favourtism towards his siblings’ children compared to ours and chose to take a step back.

You feel sad that so many mums don’t foster relationships with the in-laws as much as their own yet conveniently leave out the father who could be fostering relationships for his parents instead of leaving all of it to the mum to do it for both sides.

@phoenixrosehere, it had nothing to do with my DH. He tried and tried but my mil very clearly wanted to spend more time with her daughter and her daughter’s children than with her son and his. It has caused my husband to resent his sister. I will not allow that to happen.

I won’t then give more to my daughters. It will not sit in any way comfortable with me to have a closer relationship with my grandchildren from my girls than those from my son. I refuse to put my children in the same position that my mil put me. They will get the same love, time, support, visits etc. it’s something I feel really strongly about.

It might not be your choice though.

Girls with good relationships with their mother tend to stay close for life. Boys even ones with good relationships tend to become a little more distant from their mothers after marriage and children and their wife's wishes take priority. If the wife is not interested in her children having a relationship with you because it takes 200 miles to drive there and she's not fussed but her parents live round the corner, you will inevitably end up with a closer relationship with your daughters kids because you are their mother and they will still be wanting to see you and seek support and advice about child raising and life as a mother apart from the normal relationship.

You only have to look at the number of threads on here about problem with Ds IL from MiL perspective and vice versa.

I do wish people would remember that their experience is only theirs. I have caring PIL who are close to us and their other grandchildren; we also see a lot of my family, there isn't a requirement to pick a side and it isn't a competition. I know many families close with both sides like us, and I know people closer with in-laws who have parents on the other side of the world, or dead, or who are simply kinder than their own parents. In real life, I can only think of two who have issues with in laws on the DH side. Relationships really do not have a defined outcome as mandated by Clueless of mumsnet.

It's absolutely fine to limit them coming over- your house, your baby, your rules. However, they are obviously coming to see the baby, not you- next time they come, why not use the opportunity to have a sleep and leave baby with them?

I’m speaking generally, not specifically about your situation.

You can understand that many DIL regardless of how they feel or the work they put in don’t get a choice in how their in-laws will see or treat them or their grandchildren. You’re right you can only do what you can when you become a grandparent but you still have no control over whomever spouses that your children choose or what those spouses may choose to prioritise and foster when children come into the picture.

I would say that you’re unwell and are having no visitors for at least a week until you recover. Then schedule them for weekly visits only. Perfectly understandable that you are getting overwhelmed and I would absolutely hate the idea of constant threat of drop in visitors looming over me. What you probably really needed was 2 weeks in your baby bubble with NO visitors, then you could have dealt with the gradual start of visiting. Because you didn’t get that, you’re now all out of kilter and playing catch up. But it’s completely reasonable to take that for yourself now. Maybe you can even be completely honest - “Dear MIL & FIL, we love you so much and have loved having you get to know baby. But we have realised that we’ve become a bit overwhelmed with visits, and need some time to reset as a family unit. We are taking a little break and look forward to seeing you from the weekend after next. Lots of love.”

@phoenixrosehere,
‘You’re right you can only do what you can when you become a grandparent but you still have no control over whomever spouses that your children choose or what those spouses may choose to prioritise and foster when children come into the picture.’

Yes, but I do have control over how I behave towards them. Which is why I will not allow there to be a situation where I’m with either one of my daughters and the children more than my son and his. There will be no long days spent with daughter and baby and meeting 3x a week and extra babysitting and generally seeing more of and having a closer relationship with the children of my daughters over the children of my son. The only exception might be if my son (Or either daughter) chooses to live in another country or actively chooses for me to not be involved at all. But other than that, I would not fall into a pattern of seeing one set more than the others. I can’t control the choices made by them or their spouses but I can control my own.

Thanks for everyone’s responses, quite amazed how many there are! (This is my first time posting)

It’s really helpful to see several sides and how strongly people feel about each (as much as it might have caused a few debates in the comments - sorry!). Think that just proves there’s no right/wrong way to feel and hormones/sleep deprivation are mental. I like the comment about how they use sleep deprivation as torture in the army 😅 that’s made me feel a bit better about how I’m coping! Just to add, my periods started at the same time (I’m breast feeding as well so feeling massively cheated there ha) so add that to the exhaustion and emotional mess. My baby was in a bit of an overtired cycle too as I’m only recently discovering wake windows and sleepy cues. Im getting there but definitely learning the hard way.

I managed to get some sleep last night and feeling a lot more level headed today.

I was on my own the last time they visited and someone hit the nail on the head where they said visitors throw you off the babies routine. That’s exactly what happened and I do blame the overtired cycle a bit on that visit as they kept wanting to hold her and not understanding she needs to be settled (quietly) to go to sleep. They hugged me whilst I was holding her drifting off as they were leaving which killed me off that day and left with “oh we’ve woken her up!” Yes. Yes you have. In future I’ll schedule visits for when my partners home and he can sit with them while I go have a proper “hair wash” shower and can have an hour or two to myself. When they come over they’re all excited and full of energy, which is pretty much the opposite of me and I think this is what irks me. They follow me around the house as well, so if I’m making them a tea one person will follow me into the kitchen to chat away. I know they’re trying to be nice and not make me feel left out but I’d rather make them tea alone without the small talk. Ultimately I know they mean well and they just have so much love and excitement which is great and I’d hate to put a downer on that in any way.
My own family haven’t been over much, I think they pick up on my behaviour more so know I’m a bit off at the moment. They’ve been keeping in touch via messages and doorstop drop offs.
I’m definitely my own problem as I’m a people pleaser who hates saying no. Although this is slowly changing as I now have a small person to be accountable for! Like a lot of the comments say, a small amount of communication will probably help massively and I need to focus on getting out the house to clear my own head.

thanks again, this is much better than counselling to understand my emotions! 😂

This is very hard - no one knows exactly what to do for the best as we are all different. Some people love visitors and others absolutely hate it.

When mine were born I was desperate to show them off, and I'd had relatively straightforward births, so was on a good place mentally.
But I used to absolutely hate it when my in-laws came round unannounced and parked themselves on my sofa for the whole day. I felt claustrophobic and massively pissed off at their assumption that this was okay. They felt they had a right of access to their grandchild and I think it was that claiming of 'rights' that infuriated me.
DH was very good at telling them to phone and arrange a mutually agreeable time to visit, which helped. But how people behave in the early days, really does set the tone for the whole relationship in the future.
I felt with my own parents that they were coming to help me and not just to see the baby.

Plus, hormones are all over the place and sleep deprivation is a nightmare.

Tbf, your in-laws don't count overbearing, just excited and keen to see the baby. That's better in the long run than having grandparents who don't make any effort to be there. I think you just need to ask them to call you first in case you are sleeping, or not up for visitors.

The world generally divides into those people who are 'pop in unannounced' types and those who are 'phone in advance'. I'm definitely the latter but I come from a family who are the former. When you have a baby, this is often a flashpoint for annoyance.