New mum, Can someone please help me understand why I feel resentment towards grandparents?

[Fring2]

Hi, I’ve had a baby (first time mum) in the last two months and I have this almost constant dread of my partners parents coming over and I don’t really understand why.

They asked to come over immediately after we told them our baby had been born (we weren’t even home), we stayed over in the hospital and came home the next day and they asked to come over again. My partner asked me if it was ok and I said yes although I REALLY wish so much I’d said no. I’d had about 2hrs sleep in 48hrs along with giving birth etc and I was just a zombie. All I remember about that day is them coming over. I think this night has a huge part in my issue which I can’t fully understand. They then came over 4 times in the first 2 weeks. I felt so smothered by it all. Every time they leave they make a comment like “we’ll pop over again in a few days time” and it GRATES on me. They had a week off visiting and usually do call ahead before turning up but we have had two occasions of them “popping in” when they’ve been in the area.

They’re nice people and I get along with them.

I feel like it shouldn’t annoy me as much as it does and feel there is some sort of psychological ‘thing’ that’s bothered me but I can’t put my finger on it to help start understand why I feel this way.

it’s the middle of winter and the short days/long nights with a newborn are quite hard hitting on the emotions. The slightest inconvenience irritates me atm. As I write this I think it hinges slightly on PND but I’m not sure. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just don’t want to see them for a long time but how can I say that reasonably… Maybe I need to go out the house when they next come round although that will probably be seen as weird.

any thoughts or opinions?

@Dillydollydingdong @GRex @Sunshineismyfavourite I have so much sympathy with MILs! My own explicitly said that she would always wait to be asked but was available for anything we needed. I felt the primal need to be alone with my baby and bond so I would see her about twice a week and that worked for me. Months later I caught DH complaining to a friend that his mum just wasn't much interested in her grandchild... can't bloody win! This is the woman who, when I was having trouble breastfeeding and was asked to pick up a breast pump, almost bought out the entire baby dept of John Lewis.

Apologies for the rant 😂

This sounds familiar!! My FIL and his partner only live a few doors down from us. We had our first baby in 2022, and they were terrible for just popping down unannounced, not just for a 10minute hello, but they would stay hours if they could. The thing I found most annoying was when they would just turn up they wouldn’t even ask if it was a good time, or were we busy, they would just come in and assume it was okay. I had a lot of resentment towards them for a long time because of this, just felt it was impossible for us to spend any time together as a family of three! They are lovely people, would drop anything to babysit or spend time with our DD (now 19months) but it was just too much. I would hear them knocking at the door and feel so angry before they had even come in. I didn’t want to see them let alone speak to them. I felt they could sometimes be a bit judgemental or question things I was doing re my baby. Like I said they are lovely people and over the past couple months I have let go of these feelings because I realised we are lucky to have them and appreciate everything they do for us and DD. MIL total opposite and doesn’t bother with our DD. Hardly spend any time with her since she was born!

My advice - if you haven’t already, speak to your partner and let him know how you’re feeling. Maybe he can drop some subtle hints or speak to them directly about coming over so often and how you would just like some more time to adjust to being a mum without visitors all of the time. If you are concerned you may have PND speak to your GP sooner rather than later. Good luck 😘

It's really early days for you OP and extremely understandable you want private space . I hope your DH can make sure you are ok first and foremost and explain the importance of you having quiet while things settle . You may then feel so much readier, I always wanted my PiL to be as welcome as I'd want to be in their shoes and we ended up sending such special entire weeks together but it did take patience both sides I am sure and I was readier (I wish I could have that time again as miss my MIL ) . I would listen to the fact you need some space and explain it as kindly and reassuringly as you can as those first few weeks are precious and intense

I find it so rude when people ask to come over when you’ve just given birth. Erm no… I will tell you when it’s ok- you will not dictate to me when you’re coming. Be honest and tell them not to come over. You’re well within your right to feel that way

@Fring2 Maybe it’s the postpartum hormones/rage? I experienced that for about 3 weeks after. Don’t forget you’re exhausted trying to keep a tiny human alive. Maybe ask if they can look after your baby next time whilst you get a couple of hours sleep or have a shower feel normal and have a rest? They can change some nappies and hold your baby whilst it sleeps. I’m sure they know where the kettle is and can help themselves/make you a cup of tea. As you said you do get on with them so they’re probably trying to be nice and pop in and see their grandchild. I know it’s hard if you want the house to look tidy or to be dressed and showered but utilitise the help, I’m sure your MIL will understand as she’s been through it herself. I found sometimes I needed a break from holding my son due to emergency c-section pain and he didn’t want to be put down so having a grandparent around was a welcome break as I was in agony the first 4 weeks (I appreciate not the case for everyone)

I must be odd- I really enjoyed it when in-laws came over, meant I could get into a routine- shower, dress, get dinner on whilst they were with dc.

I’m due to give birth soon! And I’d hate it if my parents or my in laws did this! They’ll be invited over when I’m ready for visitors. Which may be a week or two or may be a few days - no idea how I’ll feel. I think you need to put boundaries in place now about how often they pop around.

It seems unreasonable to resent your in-laws for wanting to come and meet your baby, their new gc!!!

Is your h supporting you enough?

Can you ask your in-laws to look after the baby while you grab a shower or a nap?

The drop and go is perfect.

My MIL keeps offering to "help", but we haven't taken her up on it because:

a) she's a prime faffer, who however good-willingly takes a million years whilst asking for constant instructions doing anything.
b) grocery deliveries, Just Eat, tumble dryers take most of the load.
c) any help would have come with an obligatory side-serving of extended chat (she has form for this with drop ins WFH pre-baby).

Even if you tell someone that you don't mind them in any state, it doesn't mean they have to like having people around like that.

Drop and go is the ultimate care!

I think it's a bit of both. I understand where you are coming from, but I also don't think the amount of visits from them is unreasonable.
When my babies were born (youngest 10 years ago) everyone in the immediate family came within 24 hours. Both sides of the family. Grandparents and our siblings. We had visitors every couple of days too. But nobody out stayed their welcome. An hour or so tops. That's kind of how it's always been, I think it's a fairly new/mumsnet type phenomenon to expect a week of no visitors.
They don't sound like they are being over bearing in any way to be honest.
That said, I'm not a fan of visitors in general, so I do get where you are coming from. But they are family, who just want to be involved. It's a tough one.

Not unusual. You're trying to establish your own little family and need time and space to do that. You're also naturally super protective of your baby. Time for DH to put some boundaries in place I think

Yanbu. It's them. Not you.
You need peace and quiet to recover and get used to your new baby. Most visitors ruin this.
Unless they are being amazing with housework and errands for you then they don't need to keep popping round.

Sidebar, what's with all the "use them to shower" stuff?

I've managed a quick shower almost every day since the baby arrived. Yes, maybe only five minutes plus drying etc, but not something that requires a whole visit to facilitate.

Because you don’t have to rush, make small talk with them.

Me too. I loved it even more when my mum came. She was a baby whisperer, she took an inconsolable howling baby and he was asleep in no time. She genuinely couldn’t come often enough.

I felt the same way about my MIL when my babies were little. She was so rude about it, basically acting like my having a baby was all about her. I actually still feel really annoyed about it now, and my second is 2.5 years old now. She wasn't quite as in our faces second time round, but I think I actually almost kept my baby away from her as much as I could with my second, because she'd upset me so much first time round, by demanding to be there so much, and then demanding to be the centre of attention whenever she was around. She really messed up because she forgot that it wasn't all about her.

You’re a fucking delight .

I think when I was in your situation OP what happened to me was that after many years of being a people pleaser, the experience of early motherhood reconnected me to my own anger. I think it is probably one of those evolutionary advantages, because it helps you defend your child when they need it.

I can name why I felt like this with young kids.

For me it was because my time was suddenly so limited and precious. With a new born it's a real shock to discover this and takes some adjusting.

I worked part time and there was a crossover of an hour before I collected kids from school. This was my time. I could sit doing nothing at all. I could watch tv. I could read. I could think about no one but myself for 1 blissful hour a day. It kept me sane.

I once spent this precious hour explaining to my MIL that I definitely didn't have depression and was really, really okay because I burst into tears when she turned up on my doorstep (was "just passing"). I wanted to scream that I was crying because she was stealing my sacred time and I needed it, but of course I didn't. She was a caring person so started coming round more after that so instead I had to go sit in a coffee shop to get the headspace I needed to stay mentally healthy.

I think it's the "popping in" that is annoying you. I don't think its grandparents related. I think it would be the same if anyone did this to you other than someone you felt totally relaxed with - like your own mother/sister/bestfriend.

It's stressful

partly because they aren't asking in advance if it is convenient, they are assuming it is OK which is intrusive and invasive of a home at the best of times.

partly because unless you are ultra relaxed with them - which you aren't - you have an expectation of a visitor turning up at any time which means things like you want to be presentable, the house presentable and so on.
It's a stressor.

I wish people had the insight to understand that how they treat women who are newly postpartum can really affect the relationship long term.

Asking to come and visit the same day you gave birth is just beyond self-centred and shows no care or consideration for you.

I was very poorly after giving birth and remember one set of in-laws suggesting my partner took our baby out for a walk so they could meet her. I felt like a vessel. When they did meet her the first words out of MILs mouth were to ask for a cuddle with my baby, not to ask about how I was.

I also remember the visceral dislike of my newborn being held and cuddled by others, it was something I tolerated out of politeness but took no pleasure in.

For the sake of future relationships it’s worth your husband putting in some boundaries now. Visits need to be at the frequency and convenience to yourself. If they hog the baby, don’t feel you can’t take baby back.

This!

@2pence

Yes! It's very annoying to have people suggest that it's depression to not want visits when the visits are the thing causing the stress!

Alone time is more important to some people than others.

My MIL told us that it's important that we stick to our routine, then completely ignores us when we tell her what times suit our routine.

You often see posts from people yapping on about newborn babies needing to bond with their wider family, and nothing about the new mum needing to have HER relationships and needs prioritised.

The newborn will have no recollection of who held it in the first months, whereas if you upset the mum, that's potentially for life.

I'm robustly of the opinion that if they care for the baby, that means they're obliged to prioritise me. It's good for the baby to have a relaxed and happy mum, and if they love the baby as much as they claim to, they'll put their excitement to one side to give her breathing space if she wants it.

I'd guess as a new mum your instinct is to build and feather your 'nest' and now someone else is poking their beak in. You don't really have to rationalise it, but you do have to deal with it.
Could you visit them for an hour or 2? Pop in for a cuppa.
Maybe another thing that grates is they didn't seem that bothered with you when you were dating or first started living together but now you have your baby (YOUR baby) they feel entitled to a relationship.
I suspect also you're angry at yourself for not speaking up and annoyed at your OH for not noticing and 'protecting' you. Speak to your OH at a neutral time. Just discuss it, don't necessarily look for answers. He might tell you he felt like that when your mum poked her nose in for HIS wedding arrangements, or maybe helps herself to tea and ignore him in HIS house!
You won't always feel this way.