New mum, Can someone please help me understand why I feel resentment towards grandparents?

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Hi, I’ve had a baby (first time mum) in the last two months and I have this almost constant dread of my partners parents coming over and I don’t really understand why.

They asked to come over immediately after we told them our baby had been born (we weren’t even home), we stayed over in the hospital and came home the next day and they asked to come over again. My partner asked me if it was ok and I said yes although I REALLY wish so much I’d said no. I’d had about 2hrs sleep in 48hrs along with giving birth etc and I was just a zombie. All I remember about that day is them coming over. I think this night has a huge part in my issue which I can’t fully understand. They then came over 4 times in the first 2 weeks. I felt so smothered by it all. Every time they leave they make a comment like “we’ll pop over again in a few days time” and it GRATES on me. They had a week off visiting and usually do call ahead before turning up but we have had two occasions of them “popping in” when they’ve been in the area.

They’re nice people and I get along with them.

I feel like it shouldn’t annoy me as much as it does and feel there is some sort of psychological ‘thing’ that’s bothered me but I can’t put my finger on it to help start understand why I feel this way.

it’s the middle of winter and the short days/long nights with a newborn are quite hard hitting on the emotions. The slightest inconvenience irritates me atm. As I write this I think it hinges slightly on PND but I’m not sure. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just don’t want to see them for a long time but how can I say that reasonably… Maybe I need to go out the house when they next come round although that will probably be seen as weird.

any thoughts or opinions?

Oh I was a bit like this! Especially with my first. I'd want to rip him back from their arms for no reason and would hate how he smelt after being near anyone else. Every tiny thing felt so important. Then all of a sudden, it got ( I thought) better. I was more prepared with my second and managed things a little better so that I didn't feel quite so bad. Then once they were both past the baby and toddler stage, it was like I woke up sane again! I'm just glad I bit my tongue over most things now! I think you just go protective over them while they are tiny, throw in hormones and no sleep and it's a recipe for madness! I definitely felt it improve as I became more confident and secure in myself as well

I think I understand even though I loved PIL doing this. However well you got on before and however close you were, suddenly they are really fully family with your baby. Seeing how MIL gazed at him, it was amazing and simultaneously so weird to me, the absolute purity of her love for DS who was also my purest love. I can see how that might be unsettling if there is any part of you that feels they are less than adoring of you personally. You brought into being their new favourite person, are you worried they think you aren't doing well enough for this small angel? Are you picking up on their nerves, especially if they are reining in visit times now? It's impossible to say you should relax, you have a tiny baby so will spend this year at your most fretful; maybe ask DH for his thoughts and see if he can help you relax into being their family rather than just the woman their son married?

I felt a bit like this with MIL with my first DC. I couldn't work out for ages what really irritated me about her wanting to visit or see the baby - and I honestly think, looking back, it was because she was mainly interested in holding the baby, didn't really ask how I was or do anything to help (unlike my own mum) - I felt like a vessel for her grandchild. And it didn't help that she kept telling me and DH to go out for a few hours so she could 'babysit'. DC was 5 weeks old at the time and breastfed. I felt like she treated me like a spare part and wanted to 'separate' me from my newborn - irrational but also probably, as a pp said, a primal thing. Don't know if any of that resonates with you.

The in-laws never really know what the best course of action is. I'm a MIL with a DIL who has an 8m baby. How often do I go over and offer to help. I tend to leave it up to her, but does she want more attention or help? Maybe she thinks I'm not interested? I don't know.

Maybe set a regular weekly day/time for them to visit so you know when to expect them. That helped me. They were also going to be providing childcare one day a week so it was important they bonded with DD.

Yes - I have this both with my MIL and my DM. They have both been OTT about my DD at various points - both called themselves "mum" to her even though they're grannies. Both have snatched her out of my arms when she cries, said to me DD " likes them more" and made me v upset.

My MIL had fertility issues and my DM is suffering from empty nest related depression, and DD is both of their first grandchild, so I emphasise with them and logically understand that it's fine. I'm her mum and nothing will take that away.

But my primal brain thinks they're trying to steal my baby, and desperately wants to snatch DD back and never see them. It's very bizarre - but I think it must be hormonal/instinctive/natural.

I've had frank conversations with my DM about her behaviour and she's apologised, but my MIL I still can't stand with my baby 🙈

I’m sorry but this reply just killed me 💀😂😂😂
Finally I’ve come across someone who holds grudges as long as I do ✊🙌

When I had dd my dgm turned up carrying a cake tin of jam tarts... Hell I miss that lady..

I don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone, I find it the height of rudeness to not phone or text to see if a visit is ok.

Tell them your routine is a bit out of whack and your still trying to rest and recover so you would appreciate them checking first before they decide to come, no reasonable person would be offended by that request.

I find visiting others ( after checking first 😉 ) better sometimes as well because you can much more easily control when you leave.

If you are bottle feeding you could ask them to visit at a set time on a set day so they can do a feed whilst you make yourself some meals for the freezer or prep for the week/catch up on laundry or even have a nap.
MIL will love that and you will feel better having directed the interaction and make it to suit yourself rather than just her and FIL.

My MIL was just about perfect. She texted to say something like "I'm not sure what to do. I would love to come over every day, but can leave you alone if you want. Love you all, do you need anything? Xxx"
I recommend her approach.

It does sound overwhelming and a bit too much. Once a week for an hour would probably be ok but it sounds like that initial visit has made you feel this way! Tell your partner you’re finding it too much. I hate my MIL so I’d feel the same but for different reasons!

I think in-laws are universally challenging post partum….

I find mine such a difficult relationship to navigate because my top layer / intellectual /
concious self really likes them - they’re funny and kind and thoughtful. But when I’m postpartum I have a really biological / animal ick - an almost visceral need to keep them away from me - everything they do annoys / revolts me.

I was a bit of a dick to them after my first. Only ever in plausibly deniable ways - but my MIL definitely felt a bit sidelined. Once I stopped BFing and my hormones levelled out I loved her again. I apologised, we laughed about it. I warned her in advance of my second being born that I was sorry if I spiralled again. I did feel like that after my second was born - but it was easier to manage knowing that it would pass.

all this to say I think it’s REALLY normal how you feel. If you otherwise have a healthy + happy relationship with them then I suspect it will return to that once the wild hormonal rollercoaster of pregnancy / new born / BFing balances out. In the mean time I’d probably just try and be really honest about what you’re up for - set up some scheduled times to meet them - maybe alternate at your house / somewhere else - and then be relatively boundaries about not doing more unless / until you feel ready. It’s absolutely worth maintaining good relationships with healthy adults who will love your baby. It’s also important to protect your peace a bit.

Yanbu. I totally get that you can't quite put tour finger on it. But, i hazard a guess that they would only rarely visit before you had the baby and they are now coming to see the baby with fuck all concern for your well being.

Yes to both of these! @GRex and @Dillydollydingdong I'm MIL to DIL with new baby. It is the most stressful thing ever! I'm so conscious of not wanting to be an annoying MIL that I read so much about on here. I try so hard to get a good balance and leave them alone but don't want them to think I don't care. We have seen baby quite a few times but I haven't been outstaying my welcome at all (stay hour at most - once stayed for 2 hours), I only pick up baby when invited to and never turn up at their house unannounced. I've taken dinner over and left it, invited them round for food etc etc. It's so so difficult for a MIL to get it right especially when (hopefully) most of us care so much for the new family. I do love your MILs approach @GRex and I feel I'm definitely in that camp rather than something overbearing. Thanks for the tip!

My MIL sat in on midwife visits, despite me frantically signalling to DH to take her away . Also arrived to help - by planting flowers in my borders. Fuck off. But SIL who dropped in a chicken casserole at the doorstep then went away was great.

You need to put some boundaries in place. They should only come when DH is home so he can entertain them. Your baby is not a toy, he does not exist for their entertainment. Being grandparents does not entitle them to barge in on you whenever they feel like it.

@Sunshineismyfavourite the most stressful thing ever? Really? More stressful than giving birth and taking care of a newborn? Send congratulations and wait for an invitation. It's not your baby. You are not the new mother. You are very much on the sidelines.

It's hard....all the hormones. I found it helpful to give them a job. Like, on Tuesdays can you hold the baby while I clean up/take a swim/go to the supermarket alone. In tune this hour alone will likely progress to lunch beforehand or a coffee after together and you will all be confident in each other when you need a sitter for longer so you can go for drinks or handle an emergency or whatever. Your feelings are natural but so are theirs. Make it easy however you can.

Congratulations on your baby!

I had a baby at the beginning of the pandemic so the GP only came once and after that we occasionally visited them in the garden. We had nobody else who came to meet the baby.

It was bliss.

I get it, I do. You're beyond exhausted, full of responsibility and hormones and uncomfortableness and you just need to be let be. This is a primal time.

I like pp's suggestion of your DH taking the baby over to them for the forseeable future until you feel more somewhat normal.

I was always fair to both sets of parents, and I was honest, and understood that they were just as excited about a GC as I was about my new baby.

People can't win.

If they weren't interested that wouldn't be right either.

How are they supposed to know exactly what you want.

Is that really necessary? I'm not for a second comparing my situation with my DILs or my DS for that matter, it's not a competition. I think my DIL is one of the most wonderful women on earth but I find it very stressful as a caring MIL to do the right thing for her and my DS as well as the baby.
I'm glad my DS didn't choose you - you sound a right delight. And don't bother saying you wouldn't want me as your MIL - the feeling is mutual.

Oh lovely, I think you need to give yourself and them a break. I think you may have a bit of PND and you are focusing on them as the negative/ set boundaries, but also do let them see the baby as they just sound excited. Ask them to help whilst you are there, go sleep, have a shower. If they want to come over make sure it's on your terms and get them to work xxx

It’s insane that women are made to feel this way after giving birth. Of course your feelings should be the priority and yet we are expected to just suck up all the discomfort and primal rage because other people are ‘excited’. The newborn baby really only needs its mother, the bonding beyond that is with the father as far as I’m concerned and everyone else can wait until the mother feels ready. But no, heaven forbid we seem difficult or demanding.

I think this is a normal feeling
I deffo felt it with my in laws but particularly mil. She would send messages requesting photos constantly even when she know we were being readmitted to hospital etc like read the bloody room.