Don't ever phone! Text instead or make an appointment!

[ValerieVomit]

Happy new year Mumsnetters.

I've read a thread over the holidays and some of the posts talked about not phoning people because it's intrusive, you should text or message some other way but don't phone them, you don't know what they are doing, what you are interrupting etc. One poster said that you should make appointments for a phone call.

Fair enough things might have changed with social media and mobile phones over the last 20+ years.

Do you think it's rude to call someone if they are not expecting it? I called someone this morning, they were in the middle of taking down the christmas tree but we had a chat. Somebody else called me but I was shopping. I called them back when I had finished.

And the big question is .....

What makes it rude now if it wasn't rude before 1993 or so? Would you have just called someone then?!!!!

I think some people just can't see that it's the polite thing to do.

The polite thing to do is ask, are you free to chat now? etc. It's not hard.

I think some people just can't see that it's the polite thing to do.

I'll fix that for you "the polite thing to do in my opinion."

As Chintzy says - if I need to have a longer chat about something, then I would ask "have you got 5mins?" or "is now a good time?" .
If someone called me and it wasn't a good time, then I simply wouldn't pick up. They could leave a message and either try again or I could call them back.

In my opinion there is nothing rude about making a phone call - either at work, or socially.

What makes it rude now if it wasn't rude before 1993 or so? Would you have just called someone then?!!!!

I think its actually generational - so younger people expect a pre-call text but older people more relaxed.

But to answer your question, previously calling someone was a lottery - whether they were in or not by their landline. Many people didn't have answer phones - you just had to call and take the chance if they were in. There wasn't really a method by which you could pre-plan a call - unless you were doing it for business or meeting people face to face and agreeing. If the phone rang, it was a "rare" thing and people wanted to answer it.

Now because of mobiles people are availalbe 24/7. If you call a number you know the person is with the phone and will most liekly be in a position to answer it. The mystery of are they in or not has gone. They are always in because they are always with their phone. This means it will often be inconvenient to call in theory. plus its v. easy to text to pre-plan.

Personally I think its all bullshit and often just call because its quicker than all this texting to and fro and I figure if the person doesn't want to answer , they can just not answer.

I don't think it's rude, but I do think 'why didn't you just message?' It's the having to drop everything and listen that gets me. It does feel intrusive, like whatever I'm doing should take a back seat because they want to talk. If it can be written in a message, then don't call. I've never liked talking on the phone though, some people love it.
I make an exception for my parents or anybody over the age of 60. Everyone else should know the score by now.

There was a fad a few years ago where everyone said they had anxiety about phone calls. Maybe some people still have a hangover of that.

I don't think it's rude to ring someone during sensible hours but if I had something to talk about that might take a while I'd text and ask 'can I give you a call later today about A?' If it was just a catch up it would depend on the person. I've a couple of friends who I could easily chat with for an hour but were quite comfortable saying "give me half hour (or whatever) and I'll call you back.
Obs I'd ensure the time of call was reasonable too. Friend A will take a call at 10pm as would l.My mum would think someone had died.
I think the real problem isn't that you've called at an inconvenient time, it's that the callee doesn't tell them then grumbles later. Why is it so hard to say lm in Tesco, or putting the children to bed?

Because of emergencies. I leave messages on silent but always ringer on. And as you say, bub does not work to schedules, I have to work to bub’s. Therefore I do not have capacity to work to someone else’s whims and fancies. I’ll fit you in when I have chance. Better to book that or it’ll never happen realistically with a young baby. My friends and family understand this. It’s also why I respond to texts late at night and rarely during the day.
My point is, just because you don’t need to schedule calls, doesn’t mean we all have that luxury. I wish I did to be fair! I also wouldn’t be offended if someone said to me “stop texting me at 2am!” Just because this works for me, doesn’t mean it does for others.

This sounds spot on. Presumably if I called you and you didn't want to chat you'd say so. You don't even need to give a reason. If I was in Tesco I probably wouldn't even answer. You can he my friend.

Call if you like
I tend to associate it with emergencies

Answering is an option and I rarely do

It is possible to be selective when you use Do not disturb. You can have certain chosen calls only come through.
I can imagine this must be very tedious and stressful and not helpful when others say 'well I'd tell him....' yes, you've told him, it makes no difference. Still, at least he's not too close and knocking on your door

We have a land line still. Got it when we moved in as my dm and some relatives still liked to phone on their land lines. Cheaper I think. Dm now passed but some still phone us on it. The only reason I don't get rid is I use it to make international calls as I have a good deal with sky who we have TV phone and broadband with.

My own mother rings me very often by accident, either a pocket dial or she meant to call one of my siblings but rang me instead, etc. She calls me by accident far more than she ever calls me deliberately, but you can bet your bottom dollar she always calls me intentionally when I’m trying to sleep for a night shift, or have just finished one.

I like hearing my adult DCs' voices. I hate, hate, hate that they seem to want to message me rather than speaking to me on the phone. I hate, hate, hate having to request to book a phone call.

I'm sick of typing instead of speaking, in general. Emails, texts, FB posts, FB messages, WhatsApp - could be any of these, and different contacts prefer different platforms.

My DM prefers letters. I feel guilty ringing her when I know she would like a letter (And yes, I know I could do both. But I'm too busy emailing, and writing things in Word, and posting on MN.)

In short, I am sick of communicating in writing (except MN, but it is more typing for me). I can touch type, so I can easily WhatsApp and FB from the PC, but you can't touch type on my phone...)

Cold calling in 1993 was ok because it was the only way of contacting someone other than going to the door or writing a letter.

Now short messages are best communicated by text format.

If a longer message/ conversation is sought then it makes sense to schedule a time as it is likely to be lengthy.

Also now that we carry our phones with us they are more likely to ring at intrusive moments.

When we only had home phones all we'd be interrupting was live tv.

Yes, times have changed. Randomly knocking on other's doors was the only way of contacting them (other than posting a letter) when I was a child in the 60s/70s as few people had phones. No one thought you were rude as there was no alternative - you'd only be thought of as rude if you knocked in the middle of the night, or maybe during some important TV show like the Morecambe & Wise christmas special!!

Then phones came in and that rapidly became "the norm" as we'd just phone each other up to arrange meet ups etc or just for a chat.

Then texting took over from phone calls.

Then email took over from writing letters.

Now we've got messaging apps for everything.

Just because it was "ok" to call round to someone without notice 50 years ago doesn't make it right today! Now we have other ways of communication, other ways of sending messages to arrange a meet up etc.

I run a small accountancy practice. It must be a couple of months since anyone came through the door without an appointment and must be over a month since anyone randomly phoned (other than scam sales calls etc). Every client will text or email to ask short queries or will text/email to arrange a face to face appointment or a longer phone call/facetime call. That's not because I'm being awkward not answering the door or phone - it's because it's how modern professional life works these days as most people use the most appropriate form of communication and have respect for the other person not to randomly phone up or call in and expect them to drop everything for you!!

I run a small accountancy practice. It must be a couple of months since anyone came through the door without an appointment and must be over a month since anyone randomly phoned (other than scam sales calls etc). Every client will text or email to ask short queries or will text/email to arrange a face to face appointment or a longer phone call/facetime call

When I want a "paper" trail, because I am dealing with some business, then e-mails offer that.
When I'm calling a friend, I don't need a "paper trail".

That's not because I'm being awkward not answering the door or phone - it's because it's how modern professional life works these days as most people use the most appropriate form of communication

But you are looking at this from the point of view of your line of work.
People work in all sorts of different jobs , doing all sorts of different things, in all sorts of different circumstances. Many, many people are not sat at a computer all day. So, in some circumstances a phone call is the best way to get the bit of information you need, quickly. ie, the "Most appropriate form of communication" for that circumstance.

and have respect for the other person not to randomly phone up or call in and expect them to drop everything for you!!

Who is expecting anyone to "drop everything" for them ? No-one has said that is what they expect. Indeed, everyone who knows how to use a phone, on this thread has explained that you can not answer if it isn't convenient (phones have built in answerphones these days), or, some people seem to prefer to answer and say they are busy right now (another option for those that choose it.)

What makes it rude now if it wasn't rude before 1993 or so?

Because* *the way we communicate in the last 30 years has changed entirely. It’s all about being quick and allowing the recipient to reply on their terms and in words they’ve planned carefully. We didn’t have that in 1993 - I grew up being used to speaking on the phone but many people today don’t and it’s outside their comfort zone.

I don’t like phone calls or meetings that can be done in a message. A phone call coming in makes me think something is wrong

I can see both sides of this: I don't think its rude to call someone and I couldn't do my job if I had to schedule all my calls. I think finding it intrusive is a bit much. No one is obliged to pick up.

But I do also feel slightly exasperated when people expect me to have time for long, unscheduled phone chats and it does slightly induce a sinking feeling when someone calls me on the phone.

I have a very old friend who I love dearly but who doesn't either work or have children and she seems to really struggle with the idea that a 30 minute plus phonecall in the middle of the working day is a luxury I can't afford. Until quite recently she would routinely call me for a chat and didn't seem to be able to grasp that it wasn't convenient.

Similarly I have a colleagues who calls me on Teams all the time, always at inconvenient times and it's invariably something which could have been resolved with a message or an email.

It may be a sad reflection on the times we live in but the reality is that it's slightly daft to make a phonecall for something which could be sorted with a 30 second text.

@UsingChangeofName

But you are looking at this from the point of view of yourline of work.
People work in all sorts of different jobs , doing all sorts of different things, in all sorts of different circumstances. Many, many people are not sat at a computer all day. So,in some circumstancesa phone callisthe best way to get the bit of information you need, quickly. ie, the "Most appropriate form of communication" forthatcircumstance.

Not at all. I deal daily with a massive variety of clients, some are office based, most aren't, such as tradesmen, shop owners, cafe owners, etc. It's not about me, it's about them. They clearly don't want to be phoned up randomly to talk about accounts/tax etc., so they email their queries to me and I email the answers back to them. I'd never even dream of phoning a cafe owner in the middle of the working day to ask questions about their book-keeping - I'm not going to get a favourable response if they're in the middle of serving people! Likewise I won't phone a roofer as he's probably on a roof somewhere! Texts and emails are far superior because it gives the recipient the opportunity to respond at their convenience!

That's the point though @user1497207191 - They are dealing with their finances. They need a paper trail when dealing with their accountant.

Not everyone is doing that. Your roofer friend will phone his supplier to see if he has that part he needs. No point in waiting until he gets to an office, and sends an e-mail to another office, when he can get an answer in under a minute by phoning.
My mechanic will sit down and do all his paperwork / finances via e-mail no doubt, but when he needs a part for my repair job, he phones motoparts or the scrap yard or one of the other places he sources parts from.

We are all different.

That's just business.

I get the impression the OP was talking about calling a friend or family member.

DS works shifts, which change. I am retired. It would make sense for him to ring me (occasionally!) when he knows he is free. He can't seem to see this, instead he'd prefer me sending a WhatsApp to arrange something. I don't even know when is best to WhatsApp him.

100 years ago people communicated in London by postcards: if you sent one early enough, you might well get a reply by the end of the same day. It sometimes seems we have re-invented this method of communication, albeit electronically

Agreed. The only person I call without an appt is my mum

@SequentialAnalyst I'm just reading Diary of a Nobody (late 19th century), in which they send cards or letters saying for example whether they will attend an event that evening. I said to DH, "Imagine being able to do that," and he said, "I can, I've got email!"

Cross-posted.
If only my DC rang their mother... My DM rings me, as I do her, and me and my friends do. Like in the old days.

TBF, my DM would prefer a good old fashioned letter. I must write one to her

I dont think it's rude to call but I don't like receiving calls after 9ish because I've put the kids down and want to relax in front of the TV. My sis will usually call me late and say "just a quick question" because she knows that I'm probably rolling my eyes lol