Don't ever phone! Text instead or make an appointment!

[ValerieVomit]

Happy new year Mumsnetters.

I've read a thread over the holidays and some of the posts talked about not phoning people because it's intrusive, you should text or message some other way but don't phone them, you don't know what they are doing, what you are interrupting etc. One poster said that you should make appointments for a phone call.

Fair enough things might have changed with social media and mobile phones over the last 20+ years.

Do you think it's rude to call someone if they are not expecting it? I called someone this morning, they were in the middle of taking down the christmas tree but we had a chat. Somebody else called me but I was shopping. I called them back when I had finished.

And the big question is .....

What makes it rude now if it wasn't rude before 1993 or so? Would you have just called someone then?!!!!

Not my experience. I was also a child in the 50s.

Not easy to phone first, as many people didn't have a phone.

One difference is that I was brought up at a time when a lot of people didn't have a phone. So having people dropping in was natural to me, or dropping in on others, and wasn't a threat or a violation of our or their privacy.

So I've learnt that nowadays it's considered polite to phone first, but that's a late-learned thing, and doesn't have that sort of internal "rightness" of things you learned from an early age.

I don't think I've ever messaged anyone to arrange a time to phone them, and I have no intention of starting now. If they're not free to answer a call then nobody is forcing them to do so. What really irritates me are people who want to have conversations via messaging, it's typically much less efficient than having a quick chat, and requires more effort.

You are right about phones, we didn't have one.

I have a baby. If you wake them phoning me you can come round and rock them back to sleep yourself. Book an appointment.

A personal observation. People I know that are strict on the whole you shouldn’t make real time contact with a person without an appointment scheduled without real time contact are all too often people I know who express feelings of social isolation and social anxiety.

Personally I think the idea that human interactions require scheduling is something we should push back on. The overwhelming majority of people are capable of learning how to cope with unplanned conversation. However, if they do not experience this, they do not learn these skills and instead remain rather socially hobbled.

Such limitations affect employment as well as social relationships.

If you do not want to speak with your friends and family without appointments absolutely you’re right. Don’t answer your phone. But also, do not be surprised if friends and family stop putting in the effort to maintain contact.

Personally, I make appointments for group catch-ups that are occasional. For one-to-one I just phone people. I’m not really willing to lock down my week so much that I’ll schedule every interaction with friends/family

I’m all seriousness - why don’t you put your phone on dnd when Bub is sleeping? Isn’t that easier than trying to schedule everything (including Bub)?

I become quite anxious if my mobile rings. I’m aware that sounds a bit bonkers but most of my friends and family only WhatsApp so I would only expect a call if there was something seriously wrong, eg someone has died.

Calling on people unannounced is the height of rudeness imo. I do not answer the door to unexpected ‘guests’ and have no qualms about leaving them outsider. There is no excuse for just turning up on someone’s doorstep without warning.

I also don’t understand the “in my day there were no phones..” line. My dad used that excuse when he used to just ‘drop in’ and disturb me all the time. Phones exist now so use them. What is the relevance of not having one 50 years ago?

also don’t understand the “in my day there were no phones..” line. My dad used that excuse when he used to just ‘drop in’ and disturb me all the time. Phones exist now so use them. What is the relevance of not having one 50 years ago? The relevance is that "manners" that you learn as you are growing up you internalise as part of the way the world works. Manners you learn in your 40s or 50s are learned experience, they don't feel "right" in the way things do that you learned very young, rather in the same way that you learn that in this country that you are visiting you behave in a certain way that doesn't feel natural because they have different cultural norms of politeness.

So while I accept that someone of your generation thinks I should phone first, and so I do that, as a way of being polite to you, I don't have the internal feeling of it being rude not to, and I certainly don't take offence when someone turns up at my door without phoning first.

I accept that you do things differently, and I try to fit in with that, without calling you rude. You perceive that I do things differently and call me rude, and I find that quite offensive.

All I can say is I really hope the obviously very busy and self important people who find others rude for ringing them and having the temerity to kick on their door don’t find themselves lonely or have to reach out for help one day. You might find nobody gives a shit. If you were relatives or friends of mine I wouldn’t make the effort. And we wonder why teens are suffering from mental health issues??? No wonder if this is what they are being taught. It makes for sad reading. You want to hope that you don’t pass this attitude onto your kids, it would be ironic if you find yourself having to make an appointment with them one day. Perhaps they will ignore your call because their time is precious.

My friends will text and ask if it's okay to call. My family just phone.

I prefer my friends asking (as I do them), so you can make sure you're able to pay full attention to the call and not having to be distracted by needing a wee/are halfway through emptying the bin/just put on a coat of nail varnish/midway through cleaning out your critters enclosure/eating cold Chinese takeaway/trying to find a clean pair of knickers and then panic putting the washing machine on/hiding from an unknown ringing the doorbell/avoiding crows.

My family just phone. I either ignore if I'm involved in any of the above or answer and then cut a call short if any of the above suddenly becomes more pressing!

^^ obviously lighthearted!

I would usually text but if I wanted/needed to speak to someone I would usually message a few hours prior to a call to make sure it suits them and tell them what I need to chat about or if it is just a catch up etc...

If its my hubby or someone I speak to all the time I would call without checking. However I know his routine so generally would know when is a good or bad time to call him.

If someone called me unexpectedly I would think it was bad news.
I hate unexpected phone calls especially if its something that could be sent in a message.

I don't like talking on the phone, I would much prefer to meet up in person or even on video call where I can see the person and their expressions etc...

I would never turn up to someone's house unannounced. I think that is so rude and disrespectful.

The noise of the phone and the doorbell spike my anxiety...

I don't like receiving unexpected calls or unexpected visitors to the house. Maybe it's a generational thing. Perhaps as well it relates to the 'always on' nature of modern life, so the need for 'boundaries' is more of a thing than in the past when you wouldn't take work home and your clients wouldn't be able to contact you on Christmas Day.

I think that's the thing, I wouldn't expect to turn up to my kids' houses without checking or to have a chat without texting to agree a time. So those things wouldn't upset or offend me.

I don't think people are self important because they would like a text before a call/ visit. I think it's respectful to do this and better to set up a time which suits both parties so that you can give your full attention to the chat. Surely this benefits everyone.

I think the self important one is someone who calls or visits unexpectedly and expects the other person to give up whatever they are doing to chat to them there and then.

I phone friends randomly all the time as they do me. Usually on a dog walk or when driving. If they can't answer or I can't answer we just press the auto reply of 'I'll call you later' or 'i can't talk right now'.

I also just call people at work (as they do me) - in professional services and like people dropping round. I'm actually an introvert but like human connection and prefer to chat than have a long WhatsApp/text conversation

Depends what people are like. I don't like social phone calls- my friends aren't callers and I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who was a caller. Some people like them but I do not.

Ohh my friends must hate me. I always call without an appointment. If I'm driving, it's a great opportunity to call someone for a catch-up (hands free, obviously). If I'm near someone's house I call & ask if they fancy a short notice visit. They don't hate me because we're friends and like to talk & see each other and if it's not convenient we just use our words & say so.

If you're busy just don't answer
Drives me mad at work...instant messages "are you free for a quick call"...and if you don't respond either way they message again, then email!
Firstly you can see my calendar if you choose, and the IM shows if I am in a meeting but secondly sending me an IM on my screen is far more disruptive to my current task and interrupts my thought processes than a simple ring tone

I do however

What makes it rude now if it wasn't rude before 1993 or so? Would you have just called someone then?!!!!

Back in the day, we had answerphones, machines that you left a message on to say you'd called and why, or call me back. People could screen their calls and choose to pick up and talk or not. People just called people! It was quite common to spend an hour chatting on the phone.

Now, people despite having similar options on their mobiles are too precious to ever consider speaking on the phone. I am surprised they don't disintegrate when they hit the air outside their front doors.

I must say I hesitate to just call someone now - even my sister I texted the other day to ask if she was up for a phone chat later.

How times have changed - I remember in the early 90s I was in the living room with my flat mate, and a guy who was keen on me called the landline. I didn't want to pick up but me and my mate sat there frozen while the phone rang, thinking it must seem so rude to him that we were probably there but just not answering!

I wouldn't give it a second thought now - in fact I sometimes don't even answer the doorbell now if I'm not expecting someone!

I don’t like people calling me out of the blue. And if they do I think it’s an emergency so I tend to answer, but then it’s annoying (although obviously a relief) when it’s not and you’re stuck on the phone.

I don’t really like talking on the phone at all though. I find it very tying in a way that real life conversation is not, and I much prefer a WhatsApp or text.

It's ridiculous to say that there is so much loneliness in the world because people prefer some notice before a phone call or visit.
I think some people just can't see that it's the polite thing to do.
It's so much more beneficial to pick a time for a chat or a meeting that suits both parties.