To disagree with the MN classic ‘it’s only a joke if everyone is laughing’

[Planeflames]

I see this posted a lot and I am confused as to why people think this is even remotely accurate.

It’s a basic fact people have different senses of humour. Just because you don’t find something funny doesn’t mean it’s not a joke, or that the person delivering the comment wasn’t joking. Same applies with banter usually on this site.

Wanted to see if I was missing anything so a poll might help.

YABU - of course unless everyone is laughing something isn’t a joke

YANBU - it’s a stupid saying

I've never heard that saying before but seems pretty silly to me.

Too much cruelty and bullying is called "banter".

Most jokes are at someone's expense. In my view "know your audience" is more important when trying to defend a "joke" that's upset someone. If you don't know your audience well enough to make the "joke" then it's not going to be funny. And it's not going to be received well. Therefore it's not actually a joke.

@CornishPorsche this is exactly what I mean

People not laughing doesn’t make something not a joke.

Intent matters

it might not be a funny joke, but it doesn’t mean the person wasn’t joking when delivering the message

YABU. "Everyone" obviously doesn't mean absolutely everyone across time and cultures, but primarily the people or group targeted by the "joke" or "banter."

Well on the face of it yanbu, but my god so much bullying, unpleasantness and abuse get written off as a joke or banter - some people really don't know where to draw the line, and sidestep responsibility for the hurt they've caused.

I thought it was it’s only a ‘prank’ if everyone is laughing? As in it’s only funny to pull a practical joke/trick on someone if all parties find it funny.

Its usually said in terms of when someone's making a joke at someone else's expense and they're deemed upright for not laughing along with the twat making the comments.

It's not said in terms of everyone should be finding the same jokes funny.

You're misunderstanding the phrase. It doesn't mean every single person on earth must find it funny. It means if you are joking at someone's expense, if they are not laughing then it isn't a joke.

You are taking it too literally.

It’s not literally about everyone physically laughing and having the same sense of humour.

It’s about the scenario when someone says something cruel and bullying, but defends it as a joke because it made them, but not their victim, laugh.

@Sparklesocks an equally ridiculous saying

surely even if one person finds it funny it’s still a joke?

I don’t know if I’d call it an MN classic but I don’t think it’s to be taken completely literally - obviously people have different senses of humour.

It applies in situations where cruel/unkind/insulting comments are excused as jokes.

I think there’s a difference between ‘everyone’s laughing’ and ‘no ones laughing’. If at least one person finds it amusing then there’s humour in it. I use your phrase fairly often with my children when they’re clearly just trying to wind each other up. For eg ds will call dd an idiot, when I pull him on it he’ll say ‘I’m only joking’, I’ll point out it’s only a joke if it’s funny which it clearly isn’t

@zigzag716746zigzag nope

ive seen it on posts where someone has literally described what someone said and asked if they were unreasonable for finding it offensive (and usually they are being ott)

There is even one up now, someone ditched their friends for a night out, messaged them during the night out and got a drunken ‘none of your business’ voicemail, which most people will have said as a joke, they’re pondering whether their friend no longer likes them…

bizarre

I don’t think it’s ridiculous. If someone pulls a trick on someone and everyone laughs, that’s funny. If the puller laughs but the pullee is hurt/embarrassed that’s not funny, just a bit mean.

@BingoWings85 even if it’s mean, if it’s said to make others laugh it’s still a joke

not a very nice joke

but a joke none the less

@Sparklesocks I’ve seen plenty of videos of pranks where the person was embarrassed. I still laughed, as did thousands of others

Its still just a prank, someone not liking being pranked doesn’t change the definition of the word

Intent doesn't matter

For example, clearly a lot of racist and sexist comedian types think they're hilarious and are just trying to make people laugh, it doesn't make them any less racist or sexist

Jokes are often a powerplay. All those not funny misogynistic jokes from our yourger years were hilarious to the men cracking them but they were all about putting women down and back into their place. Nope I don’t agree at all @Planeflames and

I think your thread is prompted by that other thread I've just read.

And I agree with you to a degree.

I don't think everyone needs to be laughing because, you're right, people have different ideas of what is funny but I think that it's bad news when other people are laughing because you're the butt of the joke. Or the joke os an unkind comment. Or the joke os they lied to you and then took the piss out of your for believing it. Or they told you the truth but are now pretending it wasn't the truth. Because that's not funny. It's just dickish behaviour and taking the piss.

My boyfriend and I take the piss out of each other and I know some of it wouldn't be tolerated by MN standards because I read posts on here and am at how uptight some people appear to be (to me).

But I think, if your joke is at someone else's expense, they they at least need to find it funny. If you don't know each other well enough to know either whether will take it well or whether it was intended to he funny, then hold off until you know them better.

Otherwise, it's just one person taking the piss out of another and them and their friends laughing about it when butt of the joke doesn't know whether it's being said with affection or malice.

You’re taking it very literally and missing the context.

I suppose not everyone takes things quite as literally as you do. When people dispute if something is funny, they’re not saying it literally wasn’t meant as a joke/prank and therefore can’t be one, they’re saying it’s not funny for all. I don’t know why that’s so controversial.

It means "if the butt of the joke thinks it's funny". Sounds reasonable enough, but sometimes you intend to be mean, and the target is fair game.
I mean, I'm not sure Jacob Rees Mogg thinks that most of the jokes aimed at him are funny: doesn't mean they're not good jokes.

I googled for the wording of Radio 4 Icon and Much Missed National Treasure Linda Smith's line about Jeffrey Archer "we don't want him to have the oxygen of publicity: I'm not that keen on him having the oxygen of oxygen" and found a page of her best lines, practically all of which would piss off someone or other. Doesn't mean they're not great jokes.
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Linda_Smith

@dreamingbohemian except it does

those people are just (sadly) making sexist jokes or racist jokes

Well it depends realty. Too many people shrug off rude, cruel and offensive things by saying they were only joking. Some so called jokes that belittle or stereotype certain groups of people are just not funny. If the only people laughing are the ones making the joke and a few like minded people then I agree it's not a joke.

only read as far as the 2nd thread.

OK so how about this joke: i keep my wife drugged so she doesn't know there are better men than me out there.

Funny, right? It is intended as a joke. Nobody i've recounted this story to has laughed or said it's a joke. So it isn't a joke. Because although it was intended to be funny, it isn't.

HTH