To disagree with the MN classic ‘it’s only a joke if everyone is laughing’

[Planeflames]

I see this posted a lot and I am confused as to why people think this is even remotely accurate.

It’s a basic fact people have different senses of humour. Just because you don’t find something funny doesn’t mean it’s not a joke, or that the person delivering the comment wasn’t joking. Same applies with banter usually on this site.

Wanted to see if I was missing anything so a poll might help.

YABU - of course unless everyone is laughing something isn’t a joke

YANBU - it’s a stupid saying

Oh it's you Op.

It's usually said in response to someone defending something they've said as "just a joke" and so I take it as a shorthand for "it's only the sort of joke that's defensible in this environment if everyone is laughing".

Clearly on a strict definition a very nasty remark can be a joke, if it's not meant literally and is intended to amuse someone. But on that strict definition, it's no defence that it was "just a joke".

I had to go to that thread... the OP was belittled and mocked by supposed friends. Just because the person doing it finds it funny (or their little gang) doesn't make it funny.

The weirdest part was you calling the OP ND because they didn't see any humour in it

@LolaSmiles see I get that aspect, but the saying is still a bit unnecessary right.

just saying ‘that’s not a joke you prick’ gets the same message across

@LittleGreenDragons they weren’t belittled

its comments like this I’m referring to

you seem totally devoid of humour or personality

oh dear...you are one of them 😂😂

I think life is quite joyless now as we’ve sanitised everything, and that’s why young people are so miserable. Things used to be so much more of a laugh, now it’s all so dull and everyone is anxious about everything.

@JacketAndJumpet i wish that was the case

id understand if it was saved for those moments

ive seen it more times than i can count on AIBU usually said to boring posters with no humour by other, equally as bland people

That phrase only counts in the context of a prank or joke applied to a person. if everyone laughs, it’s a joke, if not everyone laughs, it is bullying.

that only my husband and find and inside joke funny, does not make it any less hilarious. No one gets their feelings hurt so it is definitely a joke.

Context is the key.

Its obviously not meant to cover every single joke ever, everyone has a different sense of humour.

Its a phrase designed to be used when someone is being cruel at someone elses expense, as a way to pull them up on it. Yes, some people will use it in the incorrect circumstances, but thats true of pretty much every phrase thats entered common parlance. Doesn't make the original phrase any less useful.

Planeflames
I'm happy with "that's not funny you prick", but I can't teach my DC to say that! 😂

I've always told mine that when everyone finds something fun/funny, it's fine for the game and jokes to continue but if someone doesn't find it funny then the game/joke stops. They're going to have to learn as they grow that some people feel pressured to laugh along even if their feelings are hurt, but we're taking small steps.

Some people have quite a dark sense of humour, but I've never heard people I know with a dark sense of humour complain about their humour being policed. They seem to understand that humour and comedy is contextually dependent.

In my experience the people who insist nobody takes a joke anymore/you can't laugh about anything these days/everyone is so oversensitive about everything are usually the worst offenders for dressing up bullying and intolerance as "a joke" or "banter".

Context is key.

If everyone is making a joke about wearing glasses in a small group and the only one in the group that wears glasses isn't laughing then that is not a joke. It is underhand bullying.

If Mrs browns boys is on the telly and we say why is that even funny doesn't mean it isn't a joke and others don't find it funny it means it is not funny to us.

YANU. Lots of banter is just veiled aggression. It puts people down and demeans them.
I have this a lot. My 16 daughter says ahh this is just a joke you don't have a sense of humour. It's just an excuse for meanness and lot of the time.
Think carefully about your audience.

I think unless everyone is laughing especially the butt of the joke. It's not funny it's just bullying.

I agree with you if you take your sentence literally. Of course people have different senses of humour and things can be funny without everyone laughing.

But what do you say to those men who are basically being nasty to their partners, usually calling her fat or saying her tits are saggy because she has had a baby or something equally nasty. When she gets upset the man tells her she is being over sensitive, it was only banter, she is no fun since she had a baby, she used to be able to take a joke. She says 'that's not funny you prick', and she will get the same responses back, and he will say that he found it funny, so is funny, and he was laughing, so it is a joke.

Humour is quite nuanced and subjective and there will be relationships where people call each other lard arse and saggy tits as a genuine sign of affection, and both of them are fine about it. But it's really hard to explain the difference (eg you can't even say if someone gets upset then it's not funny, as some people do get offended by everything).

Clearly the answer to those threads is she needs to leave the abusive dick head. However in those situations, a blanket 'it's not a joke if not everyone is laughing' is probably about as complicated a message as those meat heads can understand

Do you regularly tell people they are being “too sensitive”? The problem is you not them.

I hate stupid banter and all the “can’t you take a joke?” rubbish that goes with it.

Actually I agree with you, OP. But equally, even if it was intended as a joke and is a joke, it doesn’t mean that it’s not offensive, cruel or unacceptable.

A cruel joke can be funny if it’s directed at someone who isn’t sensitive about that aspect of themselves, or someone who is in a position of power and possibly is seen to deserve it (politicians etc), if it’s aimed at a non-existent scapegoat, or similar, but it’s still cruel and if you said the same to your mate down the pub, they might be perfectly reasonably offended by it. And you’d be a twat for making that joke in that context.

But a lot of people really can’t take a joke. MIL is one of them, you could make a joke about (for example) a bird crapping on her car window and she would get angry and defensive and say something like ‘well I bet yours is next’. It’s madness! Utterly humourless.

People shouldn’t have to be able to take a joke. You don’t have to direct a joke at a person at all. That is a choice you make.

It's a saying though isn't it? It's not meant completely literally. But yes something is only a joke if the butt of the joke finds it funny

Obviously the expression is not meant literally and I think you're probably smart enough to know that OP. The thing is, if everyone at the lynching of a black person in Alabama was laughing would that be a joke? Would it be a joke if everyone in the office laughed at their new colleague because they had a huge facial birth mark? Would it even be a joke if everyone was actually laughing only because they were too scared of being harmed, sacked from their job or in some way "othered"?

I think you've decided that anyone who doesn't like cutting dark humour directed at a person is boring and devoid of personality. Only being mean is fun. Really clever people make lots of little kind jokes that raise everyone's spirits.

Your humour is aggressive like teens. I see them doing it to each other all the time.

How about you actually like mean humour and that's more about your mean personality than others being boring. Maybe they are aren't boring they are kind. Maybe you aren't as funny as you think you are, you just enjoy people being hurt by cutting jokes.

Which comes back to the saying - if not everyone in the group including the person it's directed at finds it funny. It's not a joke. It's a barbed insult.

I think this kind of humour takes down people self confidence and causes havoc.

For example teens going on and on about people having big foreheads. Then there's a a lot of stress associated with it and actually some people do have big foreheads.

It's not a joke. It's a mean put down that causes upset.

Kind adults don't do it. And it's not bland and humourless!

Some people find it funny to be bullies. That's who the phrase its meant for.

Not someone not laughing at "whats brown and sticky?"

God I hate that type of humour, I find pranks excruciating. I know loads of people don’t, obviously, but I think it’s the lack of clever, observational humour in them. They’re at someone’s expense and the person doing them seems to get some glory from them. Hence that they’re usually filmed now 😖 I think maybe what I’ve also noticed is that the type of person that does pranks usually doesn’t also have that sharp, insightful humor that I like.

How about if you're on the receiving end of it?