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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend commenting on woman's looks

78 replies

Dorisnightingale · 02/01/2024 06:46

Would you be bothered if your partner/spouse made this sort of comment?
He was working with a 22 year old lady, in a hospitality type setting. He's 30 and I'm 33. He has a friend who's around 45, and he was relaying a conversation to me between him and this friend.
Apparently this friend said to him about the barmaid Sally: "If I were 20 years younger, I'd be asking Sally out on a date no question!"
Then bf added to me quietly 'She is really good looking.'
I didn't say anything, like yeah I get it, you fancy her too, I know men are programmed to find young women attractive bla bla bla. I just thought it was a bit unnecessary to add that comment on to me at the end. She's a decade younger too.
I didn't say anything about it and just changed the subject. It's not the end of the world but I just felt it was a bit unnecessary to make his attraction clear to me, AIBU?
Also I'm sure this barmaid comes to do her job, not to have older men leering at her.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 02/01/2024 06:49

It does seem to be an unnecessary story to tell you, unless it was in the context of him saying what a perv the 43yo man is?

Original poster
Dorisnightingale · 02/01/2024 06:51

I mean he was laughing at what his friend had said and didn't seem grossed out or anything so not sure.. i usually find that if men tell you often about how people fancy a particular woman, it means they likely fancy them themselves.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 02/01/2024 06:59

Sounds like you have your head switched on, OP. I’d be telling him that perving on a colleague, whatever his age, is gross.

shamshir · 02/01/2024 07:04

Urgh, I cant stand it when men do this. Fine, none of us are blind and we all see people other than our partners who are attractive (I often see men I think are attractive) but I don't go around telling my partner this because, well, why would I?- its just disrespectful. What exactly are you meant to do with that information? There's just no need to say it.

Muthaofcats · 02/01/2024 07:07

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if my boyf commented on another persons looks.

it would bother me for her that older blokes are being gross whilst she’s just trying to do her job.

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/01/2024 07:22

Hmm, no reason to say it at all. I would feel abit strange about it.
A 32 year old is still young enough to be just as attractive as a 22 year old though.
You are in your absolute prime for another decade or more 😀

formulaonecar · 02/01/2024 07:59

I never understand exactly what kind of response men are expecting when they say this shit- are you meant to say "that's wonderful!- good for you!" or "I'm soooo pleased you're working with a woman who is attractive". I don't understand the point of it.

I'd be tempted to start going on myself about men I work with who are hot and see what his reaction is......I suspect when you do it, it won't be quite so hilarious.

Catza · 02/01/2024 08:15

It’s normal to find other people attractive. Whether couple shares it with each other will depend on a couple. The other day I called Timothee Chalamet “a beautiful boy”. I guess it makes me gross? My partner agreed with me. I guess it makes him both gross and gay….

shamshir · 02/01/2024 08:23

Catza · 02/01/2024 08:15

It’s normal to find other people attractive. Whether couple shares it with each other will depend on a couple. The other day I called Timothee Chalamet “a beautiful boy”. I guess it makes me gross? My partner agreed with me. I guess it makes him both gross and gay….

Huge difference between saying a famous actor is attractive and someone you work with though.

I think Jason Momoa is divine, and my H knows that. If I told him I also think his brother is hot AF, or my boss is, not sure he'd be quite so down with that!

YouJustDoYou · 02/01/2024 08:24

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/01/2024 07:22

Hmm, no reason to say it at all. I would feel abit strange about it.
A 32 year old is still young enough to be just as attractive as a 22 year old though.
You are in your absolute prime for another decade or more 😀

Yeah, but sadly many men absolutely don't agree with this.

MiIIieee · 02/01/2024 09:06

I always find in these scenarios that the woman in the relationship is quite happy to comment on how Joe down the road is a looker, but when their DP makes some form of comment back about someone they don't like it. Not saying that's the situation here, but it always seems that way to me.

I personally don't see an issue with his comment. It's human nature to find people attractive. It's fine for honesty in a relationship. The alternative is down the line hearing he thought she was attractive and his head is bitten off for not saying something.

LightSpeeds · 02/01/2024 09:25

formulaonecar · 02/01/2024 07:59

I never understand exactly what kind of response men are expecting when they say this shit- are you meant to say "that's wonderful!- good for you!" or "I'm soooo pleased you're working with a woman who is attractive". I don't understand the point of it.

I'd be tempted to start going on myself about men I work with who are hot and see what his reaction is......I suspect when you do it, it won't be quite so hilarious.

^This.

Give him a taste of his own medicine!

squashi · 02/01/2024 09:30

Bit weird of him to say it to you. Could he have been trying to make you feel jealous?

Silverbirchtwo · 02/01/2024 09:41

Are compliments off limits? I don't really see what's wrong with saying someone you work with is really good looking (as are you obviously darling) or really handsome, has a great physique. It doesn't necessarily imply anything other than a factual observation.

Now if he said she was really ugly and when you met her she was absolutely gorgeous I would be worried.

ManateeFair · 02/01/2024 09:42

This wouldn’t bother me. He was telling you about his colleague and he added as an aside that Sophie is indeed good-looking. Fair enough.

My DP and I work at the same place and we were joking a while ago about a new colleague and I said “Harry seems to have settled in really well, I was in a meeting with him yesterday and he was really up to speed considering he’s only been here a couple of weeks” and DP said “Yeah, he knows what he’s doing and he seems like a really nice bloke. So much so that people keep trying to find out if he’s single.” I laughed and said “Haha, are they forming a queue” and DP said “He is definitely the most good-looking man in the office.”

I didn’t think anything of this and I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if Harry was a woman, either.

Blabla81 · 02/01/2024 09:46

It wouldn’t bother me at all. What does bother me is men who are derogatory about women’s looks (and vice versa obviously).

rollonretirementfgs · 02/01/2024 09:51

Blimey, he just said someone was good looking! He isn't perving he just made a polite comment about someone. You're very insecure!

ThatSoddingCat · 02/01/2024 09:53

Your boyfriend said this barmaid was good-looking. So what? It's just an observation, it doesn't mean anything else.

Notsuredontknow · 02/01/2024 09:55

This wouldn’t bother me at all! He simply said she was good looking - to me that doesn’t even mean he fancies her, she may just be objectively good looking.

Runningandtired · 02/01/2024 09:58

My dh comments all the time if someone is good looking. He notices people, whereas I don't. It doesn't bother me. Men do notice women. The fact he said it to you suggests he's not leering. Not sure about his friend though

JMSA · 02/01/2024 10:18

They've been more respectful than most, with their comments! This I find depressing but it's true.

BIossomtoes · 02/01/2024 10:40

Blabla81 · 02/01/2024 09:46

It wouldn’t bother me at all. What does bother me is men who are derogatory about women’s looks (and vice versa obviously).

Same. I have been known to point out attractive women to my bloke when we’re out and about.

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 10:48

In this context I’d say he was trying to describe her to you to make the conversation make more sense.

you’ve never met Sally so he was merely saying she is attractive to make what his coworker said have context.

zingally · 02/01/2024 11:23

TBH, it wouldn't bother me. It all sounds pretty innocent.

My dear old departed dad used to look twice at women on the street, and then turn to my mum and say, "Oh! Did you see that really pretty girl?! Lucky whoever gets them!"
My mum would just eye-roll and, "yes dear."

Westernesse · 02/01/2024 11:26

The states people get themselves into over nothing. Grow up.

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