Boyfriend commenting on woman's looks

[Dorisnightingale]

Would you be bothered if your partner/spouse made this sort of comment?
He was working with a 22 year old lady, in a hospitality type setting. He's 30 and I'm 33. He has a friend who's around 45, and he was relaying a conversation to me between him and this friend.
Apparently this friend said to him about the barmaid Sally: "If I were 20 years younger, I'd be asking Sally out on a date no question!"
Then bf added to me quietly 'She is really good looking.'
I didn't say anything, like yeah I get it, you fancy her too, I know men are programmed to find young women attractive bla bla bla. I just thought it was a bit unnecessary to add that comment on to me at the end. She's a decade younger too.
I didn't say anything about it and just changed the subject. It's not the end of the world but I just felt it was a bit unnecessary to make his attraction clear to me, AIBU?
Also I'm sure this barmaid comes to do her job, not to have older men leering at her.

I'm a bloke and in the past DP has told me she thinks certain people are good looking, both men and women. Why should that bother me? It's not like either of us would think or say that then have to act upon it.

I sometimes get annoyed at the way that some men comment on women’s appearances. It can be quite objectifying and sexualising, and it reinforces the idea that a woman’s value is directly related to her attractiveness. Of course we all notice attractive people, that’s just human. But how it’s expressed in conversation is the issue for me. I do think that “she’s very good looking” is quite different from “if I were 20 years younger.” But no explanation of the latter is necessary because we’ve all heard it many times.

It's normal to find other people attractive. The concern here would be if your partner was to act on his thoughts. My husband knows I enjoy the look of a sexy man, Jason statham, Adrian brody and taron edgerton are my Hollywood hubby's but we all know my chances there are absolutely zero. 🤣 if you're concerned his wandering eyes might turn into wandering hands just ask him if he is 100% committed to you if you're having doubts about the relationship due to his comment.

It’s not just men who do it. If anything women are worse.

OP - hes a grown adult commenting on someones appearance, who just happens to be female. I dont understand why this would bother you.

It doesn’t have quite the same meaning when women do it because we don’t have a 10,000 year history of owning the opposite sex as property. We also don’t have the same record of producing art, literature and even pornography objectifying the opposite sex. We have less economic and social power on average, and we typically have less freedom. So I don’t think it’s exactly the same thing when women comment on men’s appearances, and I certainly don’t think women are ‘worse’. It’s a completely different context.

Sounds like a rather immature, sleazy chat between two gross men and your boyfriend really should have relayed the details back to you.

It wouldn't bother me unless he was constantly going on about other women

and I certainly don’t think women are ‘worse’.

They absolutely are. A group of women with a few drinks inside them would make a sailor blush. Male strippers wouldn’t exist if women didn’t objectify men. The context is that when women attain more freedom their behaviour is remarkably similar to men’s. Who’d have thought it?

Turn off.

Does he want brownie points for being slightly less inappropriate than his friend? Does he want brownie points for grudgingly honour the most basic premise of your relationship (fidelity?) even though he clearly has his eyes out on sticks.
Or is he kind of infatuated with her to the point that he cannot disguise it.

It's all a bit disappointing.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion of course, why does it have to be vocalised though? Why must we tell people that someone else is good looking? Just keep it to yourself, we know you think it.

It's possible to think someone is attractive and not fancy them (as in, not fantasise about being with them, simply recognise they are an attractive human). Saying someone is good looking doesn't mean anything other than that.

Really people still do this comment on other people's looks? Sad really.

Yes, they do, there’s an entire industry built on it. And, disappointing as it must be for you, it’ll continue happening for as long as there’s human life on the planet.

If my DH said this to me I wouldn’t talk to him for a week

An entire industry LOL disappointing for me - you don't even know me. I find it sad when people have to make remarks about others when they don't really know them I have seen women being made very uncomfortable by comments from men. Parents need to re evaluate how they bring their children up.
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I have very low tolerance for men perving over young women, but I have to say, I don't think your BF has really done anything wrong here. He was relating to you what someone who isn't him said about a young woman (which wasn't too bad in itself, as there was no disrespectful language, and a clear acknowledgement that her age meant he wouldn't ask her out) All your BF did was set context by mentioning the woman was very good looking. Unless you've missed something out, that's surely just an objective statement of fact, not an indication he has sexual interest in her himself. Much less that he's perving over her at work.

Yeah, just not sure why he had to reassure me she is indeed good looking? What difference does it make whether she is or isn't, it's subjective and it's what his friend thinks?

@Pinky2121 and @ others who are outraged by comments on appearance...

Looks and youth are currencies, sad as it is, you do get valued more for being beautiful. It shouldn't be so but it absolutely is. People fall over themselves being helpful and nice to attractive people, we know men do it but I have seen women hire and are nicer to attractive guys, they give them more benefit of the doubt, they are more lenient towards them. Even beautiful children get treated better. It's a known fact you get treated better overall when you are more attractive. Looks count for a lot, sadly. Everyone is objectified even babies, even men (cash cows, stud..)
It's very human to notice and judge on appearance. The whole point of us here is to procreate whicb involves selecting the best genes for our offsprings and jealousy at those who have better genes than us.

Whats the issue - your bf said someone was good looking - nothing more? It wasn’t derogatory it was an opinion!

I’d find it really annoying and yes, as others have said I’d presume it was a bit of mentionitis, that he admires her and wants an excuse to legitimately talk about her so he relayed the - frankly quite boring and unnecessary - convo he had with his colleague just to have the opportunity to tell you about her. Why?

My BF and I clearly have celebrities we fancy and he will make inappropriate jokes about the guy I’m obsessed with, and I’ll joke about the fact that he’s only allowed unattractive women and other men on his “laminated list”.

If he felt the need to tell me about someone in real life, I’d be a bit put out for sure.

@Dorisnightingale I get what you mean, and although what he said isn't awful, it didn't need to be said. It's human nature to notice attractive people but that doesn't mean we have to tell our partners, and as a PP said, what purpose does it serve? At best none, at worst it can exacerbate insecurity. I'm not naive, I realise my partners aren't going to only find me attractive, I realise they'll notice other women, but I don't appreciate being reminded of the fact. Similarly I wouldn't tell them which other men I find attractive or fancy unless they specifically asked me (and I'd think it odd they'd ask). Why would I?

The you are an abuser.

Have to disagree. Obviously this is how you see and deal with life. Thank goodness we are not all the same.

"If I were 20 years younger, I'd be asking Sally out on a date no question!"
Then bf added to me quietly 'She is really good looking.'

I'm ducking in advance...

Is this really gross? Really? Do some here need to get some perspective. If the comment was made to the person or repeated etc, ie some aggravating circumstances fair enough but let's not get ourselves excited about some mild comments between friends......