If you have taken the decision to go NC with a close relative, please talk to me..

[DoubleShotEspresso]

So following the Christmas from hell, I decided to wait until today to be certain of this, but we have sadly concluded we need to go NC with a very close relative.

If you have done his too, how did you go about it? Did you inform them and why? Or just put up a wall of silence?

I am happy to provide them with explanations as his somehow seems kinder than simply ghosting them, though I suspect it'll be met with passive aggressive defensiveness....

I just know I cannot continue further for myself or my family.

If you have been NC for some time already, how has I been? Do you have any regrets?

Any words of wisdom gratefully received, posting here as I just don't know wha category this ought to fall under...

Hugs. Sounds very much like my situation.

his is the thing. MIL routinely falls out with people, always refusing to take any accountability for her own actions or accept the very real offence caused. Rinse and repeat.
My SIL cut her off in 2015, again totally MIL's fault, but yet again not acknowledgement, accountability or apology so she has lost out on all contact there. It is with this in mind that has made me try for the length of time we have, but now we find ourselves a the same point.

Saddest thing is`/ All completely avoidable and all could potentially be resolved via a genuine apology. But noooooo.

@NaughtybutNice77 removing the right to reply is an interesting though I suspect unfeasible one. Individual involved is spectacularly explosive and reactive.

@OlympicProcrastinator So sorry to read of your experiences here, sounds truly hoorrid. I must admit I am concerned at the potential fallout, I suspect there will be some fire in our direction once the penny finally drops, it will be at me specifically as they tend to target me when things have not gone their way historically, I am viewed as the "fixer of fuckery" as my DP calls it.

@2024betterBebetter (love your username btw)yes we think it is likely hat some other family members (all overseas anyway so minimal contact really over the last few years)will be actively recruited to take a side, we accept this as a valid investment in our own sanity. Undoubtedly there will be some fake storytelling, again they are famed for his, so nothing new.

@Tamuchly this so sad too read, but sounds like your decision was the best possible for you. Take care x

@tresales similarly I have always felt a sense of duty to maintain the relationship as it has been so fractious for DP practically his whole life. But now that their actions have impacted my own extended family and just simply the raised level of disrespect for anybody else, I am at a loss now.

@Astridspuzzle Toxic people don’t really care they’ve hurt you, because if they cared they wouldn’t have done the awful things to you in the first place
This is so true and something I will remind myself of when the guilt tripping begins.

@Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter Thank-you so much, this means a lot.

@NotARealWookiie Its ok to take control of your emotional well-being by ending relationships with people who upset you. This is also very helpful to make sense of everything thanks.

@lemonjuicer It is funny, life already seems simpler, less stressful and yet I don't think my in-laws have even realised yet.

@michiru I think it may happen yes, but this is something I am willing to accept as a cost if necessary.

@Namechangeforpostttt your post is really soo reassuring, I do feel my own conscience here is clear, but also that I feel already so much less pressure to be constantly predicting and managing the situation, it has been so exhausting. I am so glad and relieved to read your post.

@CharmedCult It’s bliss. Life and family gatherings are so much nicer for her not being there. Not missing her drama or toxicity in the slightest. She was like a little black thundercloud at every occasion with everyone tiptoeing around her. This has been exactly my life for almost two decades. I am so done and reading this line from you really makes me realise how dreadfully invasive the whole thing has been. I will not miss any of this at all ever.

@mindutopia The unimaginable pain in your post almost brought me to tears, how awful. But absolutely right you cut her off, I do hope you are okay now. I applaud the inner strength you must have pulled throughout all this. Our situation is nowhere near as grievous, but just so soo debilitating.

@Planeflames I think we will also need to be this rigid, I will need to retrain my brain to achieve this but this thread has been very helpful in allowing me to understand the actually we are ou of alternative options.

@sockarefootwear you are probably correct in the issues leading to this will be minimised. This sort of confirms though why it is right to cu off all contact. I just refuse to participate further or act as if any of these behaviours are normal or healthy.

Thank-you so much to everybody who has been kind enough to post here and generous enough to share what I understand are deeply personal experiences.

I had never anticipated just how many others have found themselves facing similar decisions, family politics really are challenging and exhausting at times. I am still sad to do this, but better at ease with it being for us the right and only way forward.

Each post has been eminently helpful for me in entering what feels like very new and daunting territory, very much against my own peacemaking character. Thank-you all for helping me make some sense of this, much appreciated.

I wrote a letter so that I could have my say uninterrupted. Also left the door open and said I would support them if they ever decided that they wanted to stop drinking. I always kept the same phone number and never heard anything from them again. They died 5 years later.

I went NC with my parents last year after realising that, despite my very best efforts they were emotionally abusing my children in the same way that they'd abused me my whole life. Ironically I only stayed in touch as long as I did as I thought they deserved to have a relationship with their grandchildren. This was a stupid wishful idea on my part based on the sort of parents I wanted them to be, rather the ones they actually were.

I simply cut contact. They are blocked on everything except the landline which is not easy to block, but DH listens to the messages as just hearing their voice is triggering. The messages simply say that they wonder how we are and would I ring back.

I thought about writing a letter but realised that that would just be inviting them to respond (or, more likely, gaslight me) and actually there was nothing for me to say that hadn't been said many times before anyway.
The only response I'd want from them was a sincere apology but as they are not capable of sufficient self awareness to understand what they should apologise for, and have never apologised before, I realised this was a forlorn hope and I should stop kidding myself.

I think it's telling that they have never once asked why I've cut contact. So I assume they do know.

@Workway I do think - in the absence of actual abuse - people deserve some sort of explanation.
This is interesting and kind of where I was leaning wads before posting, DP thinks it will "just generate more earache and stress". I am no sure why I feel I owe people some reasoning, butt it just feels cold as ice to jus ghost calls and messages which is what we have been doing so far.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you need to reframe what you consider to be "actual abuse". You've only given us a limited description, but it sounds very likely that DH has suffered continuous abuse from childhood and, your in-laws have repeatedly refused to accept your boundaries which will have had some impact on your children. And if your children are older than about 7 or 8, you may find (as I did with my children) that they have have been covertly abused too, although hopefully they have enough positive models of behaviour that it will not have affected them too deeply.

You want to cut contact despite having tried everything, and you mention "unforgivable actions". I think you are minimising your in-laws behaviour (quite likely because you come from a "normal" family and don't believe they can be like that, plus DH is so used to it he assumes it is "normal"). This isn't a decision taken lightly or over a one off incident.

When I went no contact the other helpful reframing was to not consider that what I was doing was "ghosting" - it was protecting the mental health of myself and my family. I've suffered panic attacks my whole life. However, I've had precisely none since cutting contact. I don't think this is a coincidence.

I went nc with my parents and siblings a couple of years ago. I didn't give any explanation, just stopped responding to messages and didn't answer calls. I moved house shortly afterwards (for other reasons) so they have no way to contact me now. It's not been too difficult. I'm busy with young dcs and haven't had time to dwell on it. It's a relief that I don't have to tolerate their behaviour. It's quite a clean break as we have now have no mutual contacts so it's simply as if they are dead to me.

Reading your post has been so validating for me @CharmedCult as it essentially describes my Christmas, to an uncanny degree- even down to the final snapping from DH, producing more victim status and then acting like nothing has happened!!
I've reluctantly decided I can't fully cut SiL off as this would hurt our children, but I will be practicing minimal contact going forward. I'm really glad this is working for you.

And @DoubleShotEspresso, this is a horrible and hard situation for you to be in, but I applaud you for doing what's right for you and your family. Re: your question of how to 'officially' go NC I'd ask who would you be doing it for if you were to formally let them know? If they are someone with narcissistic tenancies then I doubt they'd be able to really hear your distress, hurt, or even compassion in wanting to do this kindly. I would worry that it would just open up another door for them to attack you. If it's DH's relative as I believe it is? then let him decide and take a lead on how or if it's communicated. You owe this relative nothing, but you owe it to yourself to keep you safe. X

I reached tipping point and then it just took one more incident. She got told to piss off and I never spoke to them again. It's bliss.

Sounds as if you're at tipping point. You don't have to make a drama about it or explain yourself.

I went NC with my DB many years ago. Improved my mental health no end. I just ghosted him & he has made no effort to contact me, I have moved since & I know he has. He still sees one sibling on v rare occasions & has said he misses me to them... & says has no idea why I don't have contact. Ummm let me think...years of bullying, then abandoning his children, for another woman & refusing to pay any maintenance for them, then falling out with her & moving back with original partner, who I cannot believe had him back . Only interest is money, very grabby. Even sold the family dog for a quick buck & after his partner brought another did it again! Lying on job application, to a company I worked for, who asked me to explain as they knew my family business history & he had made up a very nice fantasy that he was head of the family business, where in fact, my parents had sacked him for stealing before we wound the business up. That could have cost me my job, fortunately have v good bosses. Both parents long since deceased. I did see him at a v large family gathering a few years back. He nodded at me & I at him. But that was as far I went & sat across the room. I could go on for pages this is tip of the iceberg, he is generally an odious despicable person with no moral compass. Made my poor Mothers life a misery too. It's sad I don't see his children, but they really don't know me as they were little when all this kicked off. But this was the best thing for me & my family.

I went NC with my mother 12 years ago.

I wrote her a letter but didn't send it and I did arrange to meet with her because I was (foolishly, i eventually realised) hoping to avoid going (completely) NC if I could.

We sat in a car in a pub car park and I basically read the letter to her or, at least, used it as a prompt because I knew I'd forget.

She was utterly vile. Absolutely vile. I don't know why I'd expected her to be otherwise tbh but there you go.

She did phone my then husband once I got home. I could hear her shouting buse down the phone at him. The last words he said were "Don't contact me or my family again."

I won't go into details but there had been a history of abuse in my childhood/adolescence/adulthood and it was starting to impact on my childen to the extent that the police and SS were briefly involved. The outcome of that was that SS said any contact between her and my children had to be fully supervised. She disagreed with that. Both the police and SS were very concerned about the situation. It was so serious that SS had said the children could potentially be removed from our care.

So, ultimately, we had no choice but to go NC. My children's still don't know the reasons why because, legally, I'm not allowed to discuss it with anyone. This has also been hard because I've also lost my wider extended family too because she lied and blamed it on my unreasonable behaviour and poor mental health and I had no voice to contest it.

My husband (who had been a huge support re her for many years) had terrible violent nightmares following it all and ended up having an affair through the stress (I can't blame him for wanting to escape tbh!) The whole episode was horrific.

My sibling and I have both moved house since and she has no idea where either of us are. SM is locked down so she can't contact us or see what we were doing, and she is blocked on everything. I received an accidental and quickly withdrawn friend request from her partner's account not long after so it was obvious she was using his account to watch me.

It's not an easy decision and the potential fall out isn't for the faint hearted but I haven't once regreted it and there have been many, many times over the years when I'm thankful I made the decision I did.

I went no contact 2 years ago. I was quite mentally ill, the relationships I had with my family were toxic, imbalanced and without any boundaries.

During this time I was in therapy and diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and my child was on track to go to a specialist school and under all sorts of assessments.

In 12 months of not seeing these family he is fine in mainstream school and thriving. My suicide ideation has completely gone, I have revived my career, I have a lovely network of friends, am happy, healthy and enjoying life.

It has been like breathing fresh air and feeling sunshine for the first time.

It's not been without grief and challenges.
We have now had two Christmases alone, I am sad and remember the good times. I had hope and fantasised for quite a few years in the run up to this decision that I would get the understanding I was desperately shouting about. It took a long time and me being a mess to see it would never change and accept it.

It's so important though to leave places you're not loved, treated with respect and understanding.

The next stage in my journey is to write a letter to say I don't want to receive anything from my mother's will. When my father died, my sister took his will and opened it. She took it to where he was dying in hospice and asked him to change it. I am more than at peace with never having to experience anything like that ever again. No money in the world is worth the level of shock and emotional distress those and similar actions caused my Dad.....and me having to get my head around someone i love doing something like that.

It's impossible to be healthy and well if you're around people who are invested in a story that you are sick and have a desire to keep you there. I regret I didn't have therapy sooner and learn all about what had been happening in my family system.

Another lovely outcome is not having to sit amongst people that mock, denigrate, judge, eye roll, gossip etc. it's no longer an uncomfortable normal and a source of an ever pressing need to prove myself. I just walk away from these kinds of people! I'm absolutely gutted and have cried a river, particularly over my sister but it's been freeing.

I also am having the extraordinary new experience of people around me being positive, clapping when I'm winning and the 'well done's not being given through gritted teeth or with a side serving of 'you try hard' I feel I'm an equal in life instead of a burden and an object of ridicule.

Whatever your situation

No contact is amazing. 👌🌞

You can always try putting boundaries in and stepping back in later.

There are some great groups and resources for family estrangement. What always strikes me in these groups is how emotionally literate and healthy most people seem to be.

It takes time to adjust and the grief is hard but the peace and feeling of emotional safety is worth it. As is the health and wellbeing of my child.

Just a warning. I went NC with both parents. Unfortunately they weren't the uninterested, never-tried-to-contact-me-again type. My mother is severely mentally ill (probably a personality disorder) and I have been stalked for the past five years using all manner of methods from missing persons charities to third-party acquaintances getting involved. While still better than being abused everyday, the stalking has done almost as much damage to my mental health as my parents did! So it is not all sunshine, roses, and recovery post-NC... However you should still do what you feel is best for you. Wishing you luck and healing. 💐

Well done.

Yes. My son spoke to a professional about his grandmother's behaviour. A Social Services referral was made and I was told he was not to have any unsupervised contact. She had spent years embedding herself into all aspects of my life and diminishing me as a mother in quite a covert way. Its such a wake - up call. A few of my extended family keep in touch but it's done very quietly. No one will speak against her but I do get some warmth ...from a distance. I don't attend family events. Life is very different. My mental health has never been better either 😊

I have been NC with toxic mother since 2013. Best decision I ever made.

To be fair, she mistakenly made it really easy for me. I stood up to her (asked her to stop shouting abuse at me in my own home) and she stormed out. She obviously thought I would apologise but I didn’t and just left it, enjoying the peace.

If you are really lucky, you may find that if you stand up to her, she might go NC with you 😉

Yes, the flying monkeys will be sent in to tell you how nasty you are (in my case there was nobody left she hadn’t fallen out with!) and of course the Mystery Illness. Once you have navigated those, you reach a serenity you didn’t dream was possible.

Good luck

Yes, it wouldn’t have got me anywhere to reply because ‘he is always right’.
DH encouraged me to reply and argue back to his points, I felt it was a complete waste of mental energy. I don’t regret that either.

I'm pretty much there with my brother, we just have the final bits of my late parents estates to wind up and then I'm done. I send factual emails and have factual phone conversations both only when I really have to, otherwise we communicate through the solicitors.

It's been a buildup of incidents over the years, he was always my mother's golden child and I do believe he (and she) is a narcissist. His behaviour towards me got worse from around 2012, and the end of 2021 as we sold and cleared mum and dads house together was the last straw. Even though he lives abroad the abuse was phenomenal and he has said some very upsetting, untrue and unforgivable things to me and my husband and our DD over the years. I'm done, have been for a long time. You reap what you sow and all that.

Not worth bothering with talking to them about it, they know what they've done. It just gives them the opportunity to argue, justify themselves and upset you again. Don't bother!

NC with PIL for four years now.

It's sad but peaceful. Christmas and birthdays are enjoyable and focused on the children - not on trying to avoid an adult having a meltdown.

We feel our children are growing up in a healthier and happier environment and seeing better relationships and behaviours role modelled for them.

We asked them to attend counseling- they refused. Eventually DH sent an email saying not to contact us again.

My conscience is clear. We tried hard for years.

@shepherdsangeldelight I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you need to reframe what you consider to be "actual abuse". You've only given us a limited description, but it sounds very likely that DH has suffered continuous abuse from childhood and, your in-laws have repeatedly refused to accept your boundaries which will have had some impact on your children. And if your children are older than about 7 or 8, you may find (as I did with my children) that they have have been covertly abused too, although hopefully they have enough positive models of behaviour that it will not have affected them too deeply

You would be quite accurate in many areas here, though I am very clear on what I would define as abuse. I am most clear on what is acceptable conduct for and around my family and household, this is what has been the most immense struggle to date. Much micromanagement has been necessary, many events we have removed ourselves from and contact with our child kept to a supervised, absolute minimum. Short, sharp and noon too often has been the most effective coping method. Explanations repeatedly have become the "norm" for what the majority of adults I am pretty sure would not even need spelling out for them. Yes DP childhood was far from idea, which sadly extends into adulthood and has taken me literally years of unravelling to the point where he is now largely a happy, mild-mannered, well-functioning adult. Our child has very complex needs, the early years were a relentless time of appointments, soul-searching decisions and assessments, followed by the inevitable battle of the eduction system. For this reason inlaws have deliberately never been permitted the opportunity to be in a room alone with DC, never mind impact negatively as they have this Christmas. This is what made us snap this time.
I am afraid my limited description is as far as I can realistically go on here, but straw poll of extended family members and good fiends familiar with the situation have all reacted with "of think you have now hit limit" kind of responses and agree the disrespect is just too stupid by now.

I did, with dad and stepmother. My other siblings are NC with them now too. She is covert narcissistic and a complete, toxic, abusive nightmare and sadly over the years my dad had started to believe her version of reality because they were so enmeshed and she was so controlling over him and isolated him from so many friends and family.
It had got to the point where I was anxious about every birthday, Christmas or other family event as I knew there would be some sort of awful drama and gaslighting from them around it. I went through this for years and it was ruining so much for me and my family, causing so much stress it was making me unwell, and I was genuinely concerned about the idea of my kids having a person like that in their life. I sent an email giving my reasons and that was that.
It’s been a really good decision for me even though I lost contact with my dad. I’ll always love him, but sadly the two of them brought nothing good into my life anymore, and it’s allowed me to enjoy my life and look forward to Christmases and children’s birthdays, my birthday etc without this awful shadow of dread I used to feel when we were in contact. I also feel like I’ve protected my kids from someone who is absolutely unhinged and incapable of having healthy relationships. The overwhelming feeling is not sadness anymore but huge relief and the freedom to live a peaceful life. Luckily I have an amazing family aside from them and a wonderful DH and DC.

My dh and I have gone NC with his parents. His mum is a narcissist and his dad just enables her behaviour. It started off as low contact and now it's no contact.
Unfortunately as she is a narcissist despite explaining to her how her behaviour has affected us and our children, she is unable to see our point of view. I am sure that she blames me for everything which is fine.
Sadly his 3 siblings have become 'flying monkeys' and after shouting abuse at their brother, have decided to go NC with us.
My dh feels much better as a result of NC. I just feel eternally grateful that I had 'normal' parents.