If you have taken the decision to go NC with a close relative, please talk to me..

[DoubleShotEspresso]

So following the Christmas from hell, I decided to wait until today to be certain of this, but we have sadly concluded we need to go NC with a very close relative.

If you have done his too, how did you go about it? Did you inform them and why? Or just put up a wall of silence?

I am happy to provide them with explanations as his somehow seems kinder than simply ghosting them, though I suspect it'll be met with passive aggressive defensiveness....

I just know I cannot continue further for myself or my family.

If you have been NC for some time already, how has I been? Do you have any regrets?

Any words of wisdom gratefully received, posting here as I just don't know wha category this ought to fall under...

Both parents - they’re alcoholic and emotionally and sexually abusive.

I them a letter asking them to work with me with a professional therapist to heal the relationship and to get treatment for their addictions. God knows why as of course they made promises and I felt so much better but then they wouldn’t stick to them and basically threw it all back in my face.

I cut them off for good afterwards. Sent them an email and then blocked their addresses/numbers.

They’ve never tried to get in contact since and I gather have spun quite the tall tale with their village friends and family as to what happened.

I felt a sense of the deepest and most profound relief. I did need a lot of expensive therapy in the aftermath as I’ve got C-PTSD but I wouldn’t change it for anything. The only times it’s really difficult now is birthdays and Christmas.

It’s a very personal decision so no advice really but just to say - it’s survivable!

This is really helpful, thank-you for this. So sorry to read of your experience, I had considered an email, keeping things factual and unemotional, we are mulling this over.

It is a very personal decision, feels just so final, but in truth I know there is no way back for me, though DP will put his head in the sand willingly most of the time, he is reluctantly at the same point now.

Know what you mean about the relief, I feel a sense of peace, all be it sadness today. I have really tried.

I cut contact with a close family member, there was alcoholism and physical abuse of children and spouse. Unfortunately it means that the spouse has no relationship with me now , . It's not easy and there is grieving involved. I wouldn't give reasons they will go ignored or there will be false promises of change.

Gosh this sounds horrific I am sorry @Member984815 . Your reasons are very different to mine, but I suppose it is the dysfunction, disrespect and emotional crap I refuse to engage with any further.
I doubt any explanations would be accepted with anything other than rage tbh, it just sort of feels odd to do silence without giving any reason (no it will not occur to them ).

I don't speak to my sister. Two years ago she thought it reasonable that her DIL had been socialising with my stalker (full violence against the person order in place). She was aware I nearly lost my DD through his threats.
I admit I texted her whilst very pissed and told her to f*ck off out of my life. In 2023 we lost our younger brother and she completely ignored me at his service.
I don't drink these days but my sister has twisted the narrative to abuse of my parents etc. She was a horrible child who broke my nose, arm and finger. She would trip me then kick me all over. I would be horrified if my children did this, I'd call the police. My mother just ignored it and she was the police.
I miss having siblings. I don't really miss her. Some people are really not very nice.

I went non contact with my parents, they were partially the cause of PTSD from things in childhood.
Come join us on the Stately Homes thread, there's a whole lot of us there in your situation or similar.

After The last time MIL had a strop we haven't called her since . I used to make my dh call her and apologise even though it was her throwing big strops about something or other ..
Haven't seen her except at a funeral since 2013.. she only lives down the road too .. sad but she is an absolute narcissist nightmare !

I've been NC with my sister for years. She caused every family occasion to be stressful. She'd always get nasty and kick off. It made me ill. I didn't want my children around that.
We had many arguments over the years, the last time we were in prolonged contact I realised that life would be much better without her in it. After the last argument, I just cut contact. She tried to carry on like nothing had happened, thinking we'd all just carry on being verbally abused by her whenever the mood took her, but I said I cant do this anymore and I dont want to. That was that. Life and family occasions have been a lot happier for it. No drama, no screeching kick offs or nasty comments, just love and respect. Some people are just too toxic to have in your life.

I went NC with my brother almost 5 years ago after my dad's funeral. Things were very frosty from around 13 years ago. He had borrowed my dad's redundancy 13 grand and didn't pay it back and also caused a lot of upset on my dad's deathbed, leaving my dad in tears :(. He's very toxic and so glad he's out of my life now. Just feel sad for my mum as she keeps saying to make up but I honestly can't. And now it looks like she maybe moving closer to him which will be interesting. I'm also very concerned if as she ages,he will maybe have access to her banking. I don't trust him. They are seemingly making more effort with my mum recently which rings alarm bells,like they're convincing her to move close to them,and it's very out of character. It honestly is keeping me awake at night :(

I wrote a letter, explaining that I needed to draw a line because of their treatment of me, that I would not tolerate it, that they had been told, warned and had ignored my boundaries. They've never attempted ro apologise or contact me in about 5 years.

I just went NC with parent after several drunken phonecalls. I said if you can't ring sober, don't bother. So he didn't. I wasn't even informed when he died.

Yes, I don't speak to my brother or my mother.
Long story short, my brother has been violent towards me since we were small and my mother enables him. She is in her own right emotionally manipulative and abusive.

I refused to see my brother after an incident with my eldest son and my mother had a strop on her birthday (we'd thrown her a little tea party, just me and the boys) two years ago. She flounced out and we haven't spoken since.

I sometimes think I miss them, but I miss who I WANT them to be not who they are.

Just cut contact if thats what you feel.
you could send an email but you'll probably get one back with them defending themselves and maybe anything they don't like about you.

Depends if you want that.

I did this many years ago after asking for an apology and some awareness of the damage SA had caused ( not by DM or DF)

Did not get it , was told to move on and just forget it

No announcement or conversation , just withdrew and lived my life , one has now passed . I was informed after the funeral and don't expect a single thing from anyone

I'm nc with my brother. Didn't announce it just quietly withdrew & blocked his number. I'm sure if I'd sent a message it would have caused all out war so it's better this way. The rest of my family are aware & the reasons why & they respect it.

Went NC with a narcissistic family member who has caused nothing but misery for our family. I am usually the kind of person who tries to see the best in people but it just came to a point where it became impossible to keep excusing their actions. I do not regret it at all, things are much calmer without them in our lives especially during events like Christmas.

Yes, I was no contact with my female parent for 8 years before she died. The last time I spoke to her she was screaming at me, it was a phone call, she was very verbally abusive but for once I didn't bite. I told her quite quietly that I wasn't prepared to listen to her any more and I would be cutting the call short. She carried on screaming and I just cut the call off.
She died in 2022, I think or it might have been 2021. I managed to work out why she behaved the way that she did to me, it didn't make the abuse go away but it went a long way to help me understand her motives.
there is a saying With understanding comes forgiveness.

Decided on NC with narcissistic destructive mother after years of incredibly unpleasant behaviour. I could write essays on events that took place but in the end a therapist and having my own dc made me realise that the stress of engaging with her wasn't required. I did write her a short letter informing her that I would no longer engage but didn't go into details. That was 10 years ago and she died of covid. A relief.

You are clearly concerned about financial abuse. Have you got your DM to make a will and also give someone (possibly you or someone more neutral) power of attorney?

Thank you. Yes she has a will in place. My dad made sure they were both ok.
I just feel very wary about him. I already think she's helped him out with a house deposit recently. She won't tell me anything either as she wouldn't want to create more conflict between us and because she's on her own,i just worry she's going to be taken advantage of :(

This is far closer to our situation, though with some far more severe and recently most unforgivable actions I just cannot and will not tbh get past. I just see life as so much simpler and stress free without having to deal with them.

I sometimes think I miss them, but I miss who I WANT them to be not who they are.
This sums things up so perfectly doesn't it? @MyLadyTheKingsMother

I don' think I really "want" anything from them aside from peace and silence tbh at this sage.

This is where it gets Ricky. I am "that person" who has maintained peace for. best part of two decades, relentlessly "tried my best". to normalise and reign this individual in the necessary in order it never negatively impacts our DC. Escalatingly, this has become not only a full-time job but immensely stressful/personal and crossing very well established boundaries that have been I place firmly for 9 years. I will never be disrespected as I have been this Christmas ever again, to the point where if it was made necessary I would be at the point of a dealbreaker with our current family setup and yes leave.

NC with both parents and 2 siblings. Very close to other sibling who is also NC. Mother is a toxic, nasty piece of work, 2 siblings are just like her. Father was a drunk (no longer drinks) who tried to rape me when I was 16 years old.

im sad that I did not have a normal loving family but I do not miss them. I’m at peace with it all and know they cannot cause any further pain to me or my own family unit.

no announcement, I just stopped calling them and they never called me.