If you have taken the decision to go NC with a close relative, please talk to me..

[DoubleShotEspresso]

So following the Christmas from hell, I decided to wait until today to be certain of this, but we have sadly concluded we need to go NC with a very close relative.

If you have done his too, how did you go about it? Did you inform them and why? Or just put up a wall of silence?

I am happy to provide them with explanations as his somehow seems kinder than simply ghosting them, though I suspect it'll be met with passive aggressive defensiveness....

I just know I cannot continue further for myself or my family.

If you have been NC for some time already, how has I been? Do you have any regrets?

Any words of wisdom gratefully received, posting here as I just don't know wha category this ought to fall under...

I went no contact with my sister two years ago and it hurts like hell but she never loved me and I was always being treated appallingly by her until I decided to put myself first. Things she has done:
She hates children and mothers and refers to us all as ‘breeders’ (I have 4).
She brought a boyfriend into my home knowing he had a child abuse image criminal conviction.
When I was going through my divorce she stopped speaking to me and rung my husband up to slag me off to him, go round to see him and tell him lots of personal stuff that she had no right to tell him purely because she enjoys male attention. She started speaking to me again when he refused to shag her and her best friend had dumped her for shagging her husband and she had nobody else.
She flirted with her best friends husband then ran off with him destroying her life and that of her daughter. As soon as she had him she cheated on him and dumped him anyway as it was only ever about the male attention.
Never ever rung me but if I didn’t call her I got told I didn’t care enough about her.
Was my birthing partner but ignored my calls when I went into labor as she was with a boyfriend she was cheating on her husband with and then brought this random man I have never ever met to see me at the hospital an hour after I gave birth.
The final straw was at Christmas. She lives over an hour away and was at my mums 5 minutes up the road. She had told me she was too busy to see me or have me visit over Christmas so when I found out she was visiting I said I’d love to pop over to see her. She told my mum to tell me not to come. So I took the hint and just deleted her off everything and blocked her number.
I then receive a huge e mail full of abuse painting herself as a victim. There is so much more but I’ve vented enough.

It hurts so much but at 44 I decided I’m no longer her whipping girl and need to put myself and my kids (who she hates) first.

So in answer to your question I didn’t make an announcement but as soon as she realised she was blocked the nasty e mail happened and for a while she used my mum as a flying monkey and made up all sorts of bizarre stories to her to bad mouth me until I told my mum I wouldn’t listen to it anymore.

I still cry about losing her every Christmas but I know it’s for the sister I wanted not the one I actually have.

We are NC with some toxic family members. They made up lots of lies about us afterwards to protect their reputation and twisted it into us being the problem. So prepare yourself for that. Also you are likely to lose other family members during the process, because truly toxic people make it their mission to turn others against you.

Once you are NC the freedom is great, knowing you don’t have to interact with them again. If you live close to them it can become a worry that you might run into them out and about.

Christmas time brings up feelings. I miss the family I wish that they were, and the family other people have to socialise with. I wish I had my friends families.

I sent a letter after quietly withdrawing and them not respecting that. It was mocked and I was told I was cold hearted and had a vivid imagination. Oh, and that I was cruel for pointing out the things they had done to hurt me. So I wouldn’t recommend that. Toxic people don’t really care they’ve hurt you, because if they cared they wouldn’t have done the awful things to you in the first place.

I am NC with one of my (divorced) parents, they are narcissistic and tell many lies to suit their narrative. There was emotional and physical abuse and I had to have lots of therapy to finally feel it wasn’t my fault. I went NC about 21 years ago now and, although I have had conversations with them during that time (unavoidable but very infrequent every couple of years), I don’t miss them or their control.

I went NC with my parents, I just stopped answering calls and texts and when they showed up at my house I blew up at them and told them exactly why and made it so unpleasant they gradually stopped. I had a bit of regret with my mother as she was stage 4 cancer and she died while I was NC (got back in contact when I found out about her diagnosis but within months of trying to have a relationship with her again she went back to her old ways and the stress was making me ill)

They were horrible parents, lots of hitting when I was very small and watching my mother self harm and groan like a demon in my face while she clawed her arms when I was 8-12 and say it was because she hated me so much. After 12 years of arguing every day and screaming and hitting she used me as a cash cow and convinced doctors I was mentally ill to claim carer's allowance and any benefits I got and got me on 800mg of seroquel as a 13yo and pulled me out of school and left me very stunted. I wasn't allowed to leave the house "for my own good" because I was too ill, not allowed college or school because I was too mentally ill according to her, eventually left at 18 and stopped taking my pills but still have incontinence and brain fog from such a heavy medication.

Still felt some type of duty towards them for some years afterwards and would be pulled back in by their nice facade, but every time I was around them I would be nasty to my partner and friends for no reason for weeks after and struggled to eat or sleep. Moved halfway across the country to truly get away from them and didn't give any of my family my address or new number.

We have it on both sides too but FIL is lovely so we have contact with him. In my case I'd years of abuse but they stormed out when I put boundaries in place. They wouldn't apologise so I just let them go.

It's hard OP and I do think of them but I'm much more confident as a person and there is peace which is lovely.

If I had my time again I would have worn the last incident of poor behaviour and then backed away and slowly edged them out of my life. But I truly believed they'd change if I put in boundaries and I thought I was saving the relationship. I was wrong. My husband says I lost them due to alcoholism and untreated mental health issues and i think this is true.

Anyhow take the very best care of yourself and take any help you need - counselling, support etc.

💐 To everyone on this thread. It's really sad to read your experiences although it has helped me feel less alone.

Toxic people don’t really care they’ve hurt you, because if they cared they wouldn’t have done the awful things to you in the first place

This is so true and I wish I'd known this at the start of my journey. I'd add to this that the toxicity means they can't flex to fix things as any admission that there's a problem would distort the constructed facade that keeps them going.

No amazing or enlightening advice to offer, but I just wanted to sayy well done @DoubleShotEspresso on making the decision to no longer allow this person to dirsupt your life. Cutting someone out is hard and can feel really odd at first, but it will be worth it long term. Stay strong.

Me and my brother went NC with our mum after years of toxic behaviour. After one particularly bad event where she flounced out my house my brother emailed her and said unless she was prepared to apologise and to change her behaviour moving forward we wouldn’t be seeing her again. We didn’t hear from her apart from the odd ranty letter telling us how much she hated us and what nasty, selfish people we were.

Even years later she was sending me letters saying the only reason I’d gone NC with her was because I was selfish and couldn’t be bothered with an old lady who was no use to me. I think she had genuinely convinced herself of this, total refusal to accept her behaviour caused it. And of course she slagged me off to any friends of hers who all think I’m an evil bitch.

Didn’t inform them, just went NC when they moved abroad.

Blocked them on WhatsApp, never had them on social media so that wasn’t an issue.

Never looked back. My life is infinitely better without them in it.

My father. I came to the realisation that he would never change and his behaviour would always leave me feeling shit so I needed to protect myself by stopping contact - a painful decision but meant our relationship was predictable and the difficult aspects were my choice.

I basically told him all the things I’d never said. It didn’t feel great but it was honest and I knew there would be no coming back once I said what I thought.

We didn’t speak again until just before his death. I felt guilty for a period of time whilst in the initial grief period but once that passed I had no regrets.

Its ok to take control of your emotional well-being by ending relationships with people who upset you.

Blocked my brother after dozens of attempts by me to try and overcome the awful things he’d done to me over the years. I‘m confident he tells people I’m the horrible one but I couldn’t give less fucks if I tried. Life is better without him.

I have gone NC with my narcissistic mother; it's been 5 years. I realised I was never going to be good enough, every accomplishment was rubbished, every event was about her and when she had me in tears on one of the proudest days of my life because she was that vile I made the decision to cut her off.

In her case, she managed to turn the rest of the family against me. I tried to maintain contact with other family members, but I noticed she'd get close to anyone I tried to stay in touch with, and one by one they, too, turned on me.

I was not invited to my uncle's funeral, nor my cousin's wedding (and we used to be as close as twins). She has spun the tale of the ungrateful, cruel brat, while my stories of how she treated me were all in my imagination. Depending on who you're dealing with, that is what might happen.

I've gone NC with my mothers side. Best thing I ever did. During the process I felt awful but looking back it's the best thing I ever did. I now have no drama and no one judging me. Basically whatever life choice I made they had something negative to say. Stupid things like what car I had, what career I was doing. I was laughed at when I said I wanted to do a degree because I wasn't smart enough apparently. They would comment on my friends. Comment on my clothes and appearance. Would gaslight me too. I'm so much more happier without them. They went around getting people to believe it was me. The best thing now is I've been told a lot of people are seeing their true colours recently and a lot of people have realised it was them and not me.

It is an in-law yes. My partner has a very deep-rooted (from childhood)negative relationship and keeps contact to a bare minimum. Fo the duration of our relationship and increasingly since our DC was born, I have managed and encouraged the relationship, but needed to be exceptionally firm with boundaries. Literally words of one syllable explanations for each social scenario/family gathering and clear reinforcements when needed (regularly). Inlaws have never and never will spend time alone with DC as they refuse to accept the multiple disabilities and diagnoses they possess. Was a very long road setting acceptable levels of conversational comments based upon their sheer refusal/inability to grasp and accept these things and DP "tolerates" as opposed to embraces the relationship if that makes sense.
with the current situation, for both of us this is a combo if shockingly entitled behaviour and disrespect, but really simply reached the end of a long road where we both feel it is detrimental to continue trying. DP will not deliver any decisions or communicate with them, he just wants to cease all comms immediately.
I just posted here as this stuff is less normal to me and I wanted to gauge opinion on the wisdom of it, but our priority remains our DC, whom we have managed to minimise impacts of this to date, this Christmas is the last straw.

We have managed this situation tightly for many years, this Christmas is the first (& last) opportunity for our DC to be negatively effected, the dysfunction and disrespect is not something our DC will ever come to understand or consider normal. Because it isn't. I am also very mindful of what children pick up as "normal" to put up with as adults and we have for this reason been very militant to this point. Now though.... it is just done in our view and pointless trying anymore.

The "I have no regrets" is interesting, I never imagined I would ever be a person to take this decision, but your pos makes so much. sense, thank-you.

Goodness @AlltheFs there are many parallels within your post to our situation, many! I has been so hard supporting DP over the years, but I have. always done so "because it its family' and the like.
Now though I am of the view "I do not wish o have family like this" and could not be clearer. There will be no photo sharing as the has always been something I have done, DP could not care less wha she sees or not now I don't think.
This is exhausting.

@upwardsonwards his sounds horrendous, so sorry to read this. But your comment below really does sum up my thinking really, thank-you for the reassurance:

None of it is easy but there is life after. Toxic family dynamics grind you down.

I was going to say that going NC and how will vary massively acordingl to the history and relationship. It sounds like your DH is quite happy to just stop all comms. Based on what you've said here, I think your version would be to stop all proactive contact. If they reach out to you in any way, a simple, "I think it' better we don't have any contact after Christmas as you can't respect our and our DC's needs".

I have gone NC with someone but not a close relative. But it is difficult as the rest of the family, while hating his behaviour, are still indulging him in various ways, not least the fact that he lives with another family member. This brings additional challenges as she feels judged by me for letting him live there (I don't judge her, but I do think she's making a huge mistake, albeit I understand why she's doing it) and I get a bit resentful as there's always been a bit of an issue with her even when things are good in that we have to do the bulk of the proactive contact, hosting etc and now of course we have to do it 100% because of this loser who lives with her and that is making things tricky. But I won't go to her house under any circumstances and I won't allow our DC to go there either except under very strict guidelines.

We’ve been NC with SIL for 2 years. She is a leech and a perpetual victim in her own head.

She would happily come along to any and every family occasion we organised and spend the whole time making snide digs at DH. Always happy for him to pick up the bill though, wouldn’t even attempt to pretend that she would like contribute.

Last time we saw her she caused a scene, DH snapped (finally) - her face was a picture when he started arguing back. She didn’t know what to do. She’s always got away with this kind of behaviour because “that’s just her, you know what she’s like”. We got up and left.

Her normal MO is to lie low for a few weeks and then bounce in acting like nothing has happened. DH refused to go along with that and told her he wanted a proper apology. She exploded, more victim mentality. And we’ve never spoken to her since.

It’s bliss. Life and family gatherings are so much nicer for her not being there. Not missing her drama or toxicity in the slightest. She was like a little black thundercloud at every occasion with everyone tiptoeing around her.

We accept that there may be occasions we have to be in her company (hasn’t happened yet) and we will be civil, but she’ll never set foot in our house again, and she will never eat a meal out or have a drink paid for by us, ever again.

@Klcak how can you reason with someone whose behaviour is so bad that you don’t want to see them Very interesting and true point!

@sobercuriouskind I suspect my anxiety levels will be considerably lower now I do no have to make the effort yes!

@JockTamsonsBairns But, she is incapable of hearing or accepting that anything could have been caused by her actions. So true this one yes. I do have reservations about the finality of this, but equally cannot accept the alternative-because it is impossible to reason with somebody who despite being an adult is incapable of behaving like one.

@Workway I do think - in the absence of actual abuse - people deserve some sort of explanation. This is interesting and kind of where I was leaning wads before posting, DP thinks it will "just generate more earache and stress". I am no sure why I feel I owe people some reasoning, butt it just feels cold as ice to jus ghost calls and messages which is what we have been doing so far.

@LongDarkTeatime that soounds bonkers but not at all unfamiliar! Thank-you. ;-)

@Fivepigeons It's massively improved my mental health to stop reaching out and trying to make everything right. Sometimes you have to just cut your losses. In an ideal world we'd have loving family who we could connect with. Sadly that is not many people's stories. I could write a long list of the deeply hurtful things my mum did over the years and it was always me trying to sort it. But I've accepted now that I can't do that.
his is so sad too read, but so accurate, we jus cannot fix people or situations sometimes I guess, though I consider this a failing non not being able o make things high, I am sorry f now accepting the fact it is just beyond us all.

@Daisie yes all this is driven by our desire to ensure our DC is never involved or damaged by these behaviours, it is so hard, but at the same time, this being priority makes things easier to justify and explain.

Will read and respond more shortly, but thanks to everybody for helping me make some sense where it seems none exists!I truly appreciate every response here. Thank-you.

I am NC with my mum (and my stepdad, but that goes without saying really). My stepdad sexually abused his daughter (admitted to it and plead guilty) and my mum was fine with it. She knew about this (was kept from us as happened when they first met and we live in different countries) and tried to facilitate his contact with my dc. She also knows that he has offended with other children since, but it’s never been reported (again, I live on the other side of the world and have no details I could report to the police or I would have).

There’s more to it than just this, as if it’s not bad enough: when Dh and I cut off all contact with our dc and tried to keep communication open with her hoping we could help her and she would leave him, she went around telling friends and family that we’d made this up and the real reason we cut contact was because we took money from them and wanted more, so cut them off as punishment since we couldn’t steal more of their money. (Interestingly, this is the same story they told about his 2 daughters, one of which he abused, to explain why they are NC 🙄). Sadly, some people did believe them, so Dh and I have had to deal with the fallout from that and I lost some lifelong friends.

Anyway, I wrote her a letter and outlined exactly what she did to cause us to end the relationship, the risks she put our children in, and the lies that I had found out about that she’d spread about us. I wanted it to be very clear that I knew everything and I couldn’t be gaslit anymore. I also wanted to have evidence for legal reasons that I’d requested she never contact us again, in case there was further harassment or rumours.

Personally, I’m a very direct person. I like being forthright about my choices and expectations. I also think it helps everyone to have closure knowing that there is no room for negotiation.

Generally, I think it’s worked really well. I did hear from her occasionally, 3-4 times a year initially, but it’s been about 9 months now and not heard anything. I did respond initially to say, please never contact me again. But the last few times I just ignored her and that’s worked.

I have no regrets. I’m sad about the impact the whole situation has had on my dc, but I am very grateful for my decision to be NC. It’s given me peace again in my life and I’ve been able to move forward with life in a really positive way.

@mindutopia Thar sounds very difficult but I wanted to from my place of anonymity acknowledge what you have done for your family and children. You are amazing and your mother is an incredibly foolish woman to choose the life she did. The energy she will expend for the rest of her days keeping up her delusions will be very damaging for her alone. The fact that you have protected your children from all of that speaks volumes about you as a person.

DH and I are NC with his mother

I am NC with my SIL (DH is very low contact but not quite there yet with full NC)

It wasn’t announced, we just didn’t reply to messages, didn’t return calls etc.

MIL asked about 10 years ago why and DH told her and then blocked on all platforms.

Last I heard from her was when our DD was born less than a year ago, she changed number and left a voicemail for me on WhatsApp. I deleted it and blocked her new number and moved on.

I went NC with my brother years ago. This was after years of shitty behaviour and being expected to walk on egg shells to avoid 'antagonising' him as well as prioritising his needs and dropping everything to dig him out of problems he caused for himself. I finally made the decision when I had children of my own because I didn't want them around his toxic and unpredictable behaviour or to grow up thinking that it was OK to be expected to put up with being mistreated as I was. The only regret I have is that I didn't cut ties earlier.

My advice to you OP is to be prepared for friends and family not to understand and for some people to accuse you of making a fuss over a minor disagreement. In my case (and I think in many cases) the final straw that lead to the decision was not very serious and he tells people that was the only reason (and that he has apologised). Many well meaning members of my wider family have attempted to engineer circumstances where we will meet and 'sort things out'. He tried lots of emotional blackmail/manipulation eg. impact on our parents, how would I feel if he died and I hadn't spoken to him, how would my children feel about having an Uncle that they were not allowed to meet, would I avoid our parents' funerals to avoid him etc etc. It did get easier over time.