If you have taken the decision to go NC with a close relative, please talk to me..

[DoubleShotEspresso]

So following the Christmas from hell, I decided to wait until today to be certain of this, but we have sadly concluded we need to go NC with a very close relative.

If you have done his too, how did you go about it? Did you inform them and why? Or just put up a wall of silence?

I am happy to provide them with explanations as his somehow seems kinder than simply ghosting them, though I suspect it'll be met with passive aggressive defensiveness....

I just know I cannot continue further for myself or my family.

If you have been NC for some time already, how has I been? Do you have any regrets?

Any words of wisdom gratefully received, posting here as I just don't know wha category this ought to fall under...

Gosh @Cellotapedispenser this is so unbelievably sad to read I am so sorry.

I am sorry you are in this situation.
I am NC with a very close relative and it is very hard. I know it is for the best as having this person part of my life was so toxic and my emotions were shredded. I went in and out of their lives for years and years. Each time saying enough is enough and they will not hurt me again then finally they did one thing that just me so so much that it was like a wake up call. They have tried to work their way back in but all my doors are firmly closed. I will never ever allow myself to be treated like that again. Yes it is hard but it has to be done if they are toxic in your relationship. When they did what they did the last time I literally collapsed and every time I feel that emotion that they are family I think of that moment.
I wish you well. Stay strong
.

Thank-you for your post-this resonates very loudly. I have always been the "fixer' peacemaker" in the whole vey complicated mix, but am unable to fix or recover damage done this time. Literally past that point now-simply have zero appetite to nurture things further as yes you are spot on, it'll just get thrown in my face in. month or two if I do.
I have this bizarrely odd air of calm regarding actually going NC, but have just been trying to figure out what may be he "kindest" method here as his is just so alien to me in every other aspect of life.
Thanks I am trying to stay strong on this for our DC who I simply refuse to be involved in such dysfunction.

OP you cannot go on reigning someone in or normalising their behaviour to your DCs. Your DCs will pick up on this, the final straw for me that I realised that I was teaching them to put up with, minimise and excuse the poor behaviour of others just because they were family.

My youngest (26) is NC with my eldest. It was after a violent incident in my house, which my youngest also lives in. My eldest has narcissistic tendencies, can be controlling and insulting. I think that it is often connected to past trauma and being ND. I passed this information on. I've discussed it with Both of them. Both me and my middle DD support the youngest and we make it all work so they never meet. My youngest says that she'll next see her at my funeral. I've put my youngest in charge so it can't be used as a weapon. The NC started six years ago and we no longer mention it. To give a tiny amount of credit to my eldest she's seen my youngest in her workplace (hospital) and not made it awkward.

I became non contact with my mother in 2021 and low contact with my sister.

With my mother I wrote her a letter and ignored her messages.

If it's an in-law (you refer to 'we're going NC') should your partner determine how to cut contact? In case in the future they blame you (either said relative or your partner.)

I went NC with my Father 12 years ago, aged 19. I went low contact for a couple of years before this.

I put up with so much throughout my childhood. When something major about him came to light that directly affected me and my sibling, he ignored my calls and sent nasty messages to my DM instead. That was the final nail in the coffin for me.

I sent him an email (he loved sending me long emails about how I should be more understanding of him/his life/his choices) saying I wanted nothing more to do with him.

I never heard from him again.

I’ve had wobbles over the years, mainly when he moved back to my home country and now lives near me.

But I have no regrets. In my wobbly moments, I remind myself that the father I grieve for is not the father he actually is/was to me. It’s a wish for the one I deserve.

I also sadly lost touch with that side of the family, but it was a sacrifice I had to make for my own happiness.

I’m sorry this is choice you feel you have to make OP, but it was a choice worth making in my case.

Sending strength and hugs 💐

I’ve been NC with my Dad for about 7 years now. I have absolutely no regrets, he was a vile narcissistic bully. I stood up to his bullying he didn’t like it and wrote me a letter to tell me what a disappointment I was as a daughter. I never replied, deleted his number etc and never contacted him again. He’s never tried to get in touch.

DH is very low contact with his mother - she is absolutely vile but fortunately lives overseas so we don’t have to see her in person. I am NC with her, I tried for years to
improve things between them before I realised what an emotionally abusive bitch she is. I just blocked her on all media and haven’t looked back. I didn’t tell her anything. The final straw was how hideous she was when FIL (her ex) died in relation to DH and his grief. It was beyond words and irrecoverable.

The only contact as such she has is that she is still on a Whatsapp group that we use to
share photos about DD with a number of family members on each side. I post more pictures than DH does but we all do. She gets those but there’s no dialogue of any sort, it is just photos (we got sick of having to remember to share photos with family so just have the one group that they are all in - only grandchild on both sides so lots of interest!)

If DH wants to go full NC I’ll block her on that too but haven’t yet as feel if he wants her to see DD’s pictures it’s not my place to say no. But she doesn’t have the bottle to post a message in that chat that others would see, and perversely I quite enjoy sharing a photo that she can’t then ask about or comment on.

I will celebrate privately when she dies. Rotten old witch.

I’ve been no contact with MIL since last March. She said something dreadful and stormed off. After about 25 years of it, I decided enough was enough. I didn’t discuss it with her, just took her storming off as a cue to cut contact.
Its no loss to me and makes my life so much more pleasant but she has largely lost access to her son and granddaughter, not because I prevent it, more because I used to facilitate their contact and now I leave it up to them. Their poor personal organisation means she doesn’t get to see them like she did before.

We have it on both sides. Sexual abuse and alcoholism on one side. Domestic violence , controlling and codependency on the other. We are LC with one side and NC with the other.

None of it is easy but there is life after. Toxic family dynamics grind you down.

I’ve gone NC with my father.

I had tried, forever, to keep the peace. His behaviour was volatile even when I was a little kid and my earliest memories of him are anger and threats, followed by hitting. I tried to peace keep and smooth things over until I was in my 40s. I gave him chance after chance after chance. All it was to him was a green light to behave badly.

don’t write any explanation
it’ll taken out of context/chopped up to make you look bad
juts let contact dwindle to nothing
how can you reason with someone whose behaviour is so bad that you don’t want to see them

I am NC with my sibling and have been for 5 years now. We fell out over text and something clicked, I just found my contact with them stressful in every way. I would dread seeing them, spent the whole time with them listening to their shit, they never asked me anything. After seeing them would feel low and angry at myself for putting up with it. Sadly my Mum has never accepted it and it has impacted on our relationship. I felt guilt and unease for the first few years. What helped was me to say to my sibling, let’s be civil when we see each other (at infrequent family arrangements). Of course they used it as an excuse to vent and make it all about themselves again but it helped me find my peace with it all. I now don’t have the ups/downs of contact with them but now don’t feel crippling anxiety if our paths happen to cross.

Over the years my in laws have fallen out with ALL their friends and family and are very toxic.

My husband can see what they are like too.

They've treated us all quite badly.

I put up with it for approx 18 years.

About ten years ago my DH and I were due to go and visit and I suddenly decided that I wasn't prepared to go.

This caused a big argument between my husband and I as they were expecting us. He said I had to go and I said he couldn't force me!!! I told him enough was enough!

I never went and I haven't seen them since. My husband had to deal with it. It was about time as he hadn't dealt with the situation before!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. DH still sees them but I think he prefers the fact I'm no contact with them, as he doesn't feel caught up in the middle when they say or do inappropriate things in front of me!

I'm NC with my own mother, and have been for the past two years.
It's an incredibly painful process, and I grieve for the mother I wished I had.

I spent quite a few years trying to salvage something, and make our relationship better - but, she's medically diagnosed with narcissism and a personality disorder, so it was impossible.

I tried for ten years to build bridges, after a horrible upbringing, but she is a master craftswoman at reinventing the past to carve herself as the wounded party.

I occasionally receive emails from her, asking "what have I done wrong? I only ever tried my best with you". This catapults me back into a feeling of anxiousness, because I have tried to meet her in the middle.
But, she is incapable of hearing or accepting that anything could have been caused by her actions.

I often read on here about 'going NC', as if it's an easy solution. In my experience, it's not. I feel really sad about it, and I wish it didn't have to be this way. But, she has affected my mental health detrimentally throughout my whole life - and was beginning to start on my children.
So, enough was enough.

I think you don't make any effort and don't make any contact with the person, but when/if that person contacts you - via whatever media they use - phone, social media, email etc then you tell them - 'your behaviour at Christmas was the final straw for me - I don't want to see or speak to you again'.

I do think - in the absence of actual abuse - people deserve some sort of explanation.

It needn't be an essay, nor a long winded explanation - just a simple - your behaviour at x time was the last straw for our relationship.

They can rant, vent, call, email - you owe them no further explanation. You have told them your reason, which is fair and then that's it.

You don't need to seek them out to do it either, just wait for the next time they reach out to you.

Interesting that you didn't respond to his letter, you just cut contact and moved on.
Probably for the best. I guess you would have just got involved in ping pong emails going backwards and forwards and going nowhere.

I have gone NC with a sibling, no warning, just went quiet.
They are nearly 10yrs older than me were physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child. Age 20 I went NC and maintained that for 15+ yrs. It was challange other family members would continually tell me sibling wanted me to resume contact. Life was much easier with NC until the death of our parent forced us together. I tried really hard to work on our enforced relationship but kept a distance.
After a year when trying to access family documents the old behaviour resurfaced and they started accusing me of the aggression and violence they subjected me to as a child. Funnily it was when they insisted something mundane was true despite clear evidence it wasn’t which was the last straw, think of being told something happened in the Citroen I owned, me explaining I’ve never owned or even driven a Citroen, but them insisting I did and by saying otherwise I was gaslighting them. It was then I realised there was no point in having any further discussion, contact or even explaining what I was blocking them.
Life is far less stressful without them.
Good luck OP.

I went NC with a very toxic aunt. The rest of the family love her however she has been so poisonous towards me and my sister that we just cut her off. She didn't need an explanation, she knows what she did. I finally feel free after removing her toxic presence from my life. It's wonderful.

Yes. Never made an announcement.
One who was a distant relative and just constantly getting drunk and sending me abuse, I blocked on all channels many years ago. The only pushback I got was from my mother... but I stood firm. No one is going to be speaking to me like that over and over
I'm actually also very low contact with my mother at the moment. Again I didn't announce this. I just haven't contacted her bar sending a Christmas card and gift. Part of the reason for it was her seeming lack of real care or interest.. so it hasn't been hard because basically it was always me making the effort anyway and now I've stopped I just haven't heard from her for 6 months. So its sad.. it does cause me pain... but it's not been difficult to maintain. And it's less painful than constantly facing her coldness and narcissism. I just gave up and am getting on with my own life surrounded by people who actually give a shit.
It's massively improved my mental health to stop reaching out and trying to make everything right. Sometimes you have to just cut your losses. In an ideal world we'd have loving family who we could connect with. Sadly that is not many people's stories. I could write a long list of the deeply hurtful things my mum did over the years and it was always me trying to sort it. But I've accepted now that I can't do that.

My sister. I went very LC for years, went to the family Christmas at her house because my parents asked me to.

About 4 years ago she suddenly cut all contact with my parents for 6 months. She eventually got back in touch with them and they despite saying it was the last straw are back in close contact with her. I've not been invited to the family Christmas for 3 years now. I have NFI why but it makes my life easier. My going NC would have created ructions but her doing it hasn't as I am simply relieved.

I would have loved a normal sister relationship but we've never had that.

Omg @LisaD1 That is horrendous. I’m so sorry. Well done on cutting them out of your life.

I have 2 siblings. Big age gap between them and me (12 and 16 years).

I grew up in a heavily DV home from as early as I can remember to age 16 when I finally stood up to my dad one night when he was battering my mum.
We had to flee the family home when I was around 8,9,10,12,13 literally taking a bag. Sometimes in hiding. About 4 times before I was 12 my mum disappeared in the night without me knowing anything and when asking my dad he'd just say she's gone. I remember thinking he'd killed her. Awful memories. I also once saw him take the big kitchen knives threatening to hurt her. Anyway siblings came along and their relationship got calmer but the DV was there.

When my dad finally left, I became 'the man' of the house in the sense of earning money to pay for our home/ bills/ food. Also helping my mum with big decisions and being her rock.
This made her see me differently to my siblings who were close in age and had each other.

Siblings always joked I was mum's favourite as she was different with me. I don't believe there was favouritism I think they viewed my position as an adult and my role in providing for them as me being favourite. I certainly didn't have the holidays they had as a 3 most school half terms and they even went away for Christmas when I was 17 leaving me (I worked) so lots of examples I could say I'm definitely not a favourite!

Anyway we're in our 30's and 40's now and there was a slight and silly very petty disagreement one day between me and my partner with my dm.
Well of course I was made out to be the bad one by middle sibling and youngest just follows/ does whatever middle one says. I was ignored and it was only when dm told me 'they weren't happy with me and dp' voicing our opinion of another ridiculous situation where dm was out of order. DM slagged us off and the consequence is still a divided family. They made the first move however when they did not give dc the birthday present to they had purchased (just before all this sh*t happened) that did it for me. DC had been asked what they wanted for birthday and it was all planned and dc was of course expecting agreed gifts that never came.

Harm me but no one will ever harm my dc a second time so whilst they initiated the NC it's now me that keeps it that way.
Sibling (middle) has her own issues and is jealous and critical of everything and everyone. Has no friends says a lot has a dp. Youngest sibling I hear seems to have broke away a bit and has contacted me asking can we move on which I've said yes to but no contact with dc til they've proven they're genuine.

Long answer but my reasons are for my dc. I'd put up with it as I'm laid back but as I have dc they come first.

I haven't personally been through this but I've read a lot of accounts. One of the things that stood out was that many people (usually daughters) still hung on to the idea that after they had told their parent exactly how it was they would realise the error of their ways. They usually don't.
When going NC say your bit if you want but remove the right to reply. This also removes the expectation that there will be some sort of reasonable response. There won't