PIL gave their Christmas presents from us away

[olympicsrock]

PIL came to stay before Christmas. It was hard going. They are very ‘particular ‘ people. DH had a big fall out with BIL 10 years ago . We see them at family occasions only and do send gifts to BIL’s child. PIL have pushed for a reconciliation hard over the years. We get on fine with DH’s sister who has adult children but we agreed years ago not to exchange adult presents . ( kids under 18 only) .

During visit PIL gave our kids presents and the children gave them a small present back each . We agreed not to exchange adult presents then so that we all had something to open on Christmas Day.
I put BIL’s child’s gift in a bag with a label - (it was pretty full )and asked them to deliver it.
On the day that they left DH put the gifts for PIL , he says he said here are your presents ( expensive and thoughtful presents) on our kitchen table next to Christmas cards for the siblings that they would deliver . No labels on the gifts but FIL always gets a bottle and MIL loves reading ( rectangular parcel)

FIL must have put the wrapped bottle in the child’s gift bag and MIL decided that because the pile of books for her was next to a card for DH‘s sister then the gift must be for SIL .

None of them have told lazy BIL that the bottle he received ‘from DH’ was not meant for him. Awkward as he did not send birthday or Christmas gifts to our kids . They did however finally tell the lovely sister so MIL did get her gift. I am relieved because I do not want the expectation of having to buy and post and exchange gifts with adult extended family.

Today I told MIL that DH was upset about the mistake because he put time into choosing MIL’s gift. She initially said that they did nothing wrong as it was ‘obvious’ that the gifts were for the siblings and we should have labelled them.
I said that if in doubt they should have checked with us. She replied that I wasn’t there when they left and they had no doubt . I said you could have phoned and didn’t you think it was odd for you to have no gifts from us and why we were sending gifts to family who we never exchanged gifts with.

She eventually apologised in a very self righteous way for doing harm and I said no harm done but a mistake that could easily have been prevented .

She also was stroppy about them receiving a generous gift of wine from a wine merchant from
my mother that did not contain the sender details. For background my mother gives them a gift of wine every year and I was easily able to confirm that yes the gift was from the usual sender. Aaaghhh!

AIBU that they want to pretend that the gift was from DH to BIL and that they didn’t check! Accept that gift labels would have helped and have said this to DH but to be honest they would only have had a few gifts so not hard to remember.

And would I be unreasonable to suggest that DM doesn’t bother them with a gift from wine merchants next year!

That post was absolute gobbledegook ! No wonder poor in laws were confused! I envisaged your gifts pride of place in the window of the local charity shop!

But your PIL didn't give away your gifts?
I don't understand the drama tbh.
This is a you problem.

Wow
Just for the record it is not MY fault . DH is responsible for buying and wrapping gifts for his Family. I sort mine ( which were all labelled) . I did tell him afterwards that he should have put labels on.

I hate the palaver of gift buying and wrapping with a vengeance so have down scaled massively . I don’t want to be sucked back into buying for extended family hence my annoyance about this and wish for them all to agree to admit that the gifts had been given to the wrong people.

To be honest after 4 days of MIL sniffing with disgust at the gluttony every time I offered her a biscuit or the kids a packet of crisps I was pretty frazzled! They refused to go out anywhere due to the cold.

The bottle was single malt whisky and personal yo our family so yes it was thoughtful.

Lessons learnt ….

1. PIL should not come and stay before Christmas driving me potty.
2. DH can be responsible for posting any gifts and leave them out of it.

Don’t assume that Mumsnetters being women will think that a man is responsible for sorting gifts for his own family.

Is this a weid reverse. Why on earth did you say to mil dh was upset and stir the pot all over again.

You should have labelled all the presents.

That’s all confusing to read….
why is BIL labelled lazy? Why were your gifts not labelled? Your MIL is right they did nothing wrong. She apologised to you and you replied “no harm done but a mistake that could have easily been prevented”…. Yes by you labelling your gifts! As generous as your own mother was to buy them wine she could also do with labelling gifts

Utterly incomprehensible. Are you Boris Johnson?

They did give them away… only afterwards when DH told his sister , were those given back

You’re very unreasonable. You used them as a free delivery service but didn’t even bother to label the presents, and then were angry that they didn’t do the job properly. You made the MIL apologise 😬 I’m not sure that a bottle of wine every year is particularly ‘thoughtful’ it’s not as if it’s some irreplaceable heirloom. Just chalk it down to experience, BIL got a bottle extra. And next year either send the gifts in the post or ensure they are labelled and put in separate bags. If PIL don’t decide that it’s not worth doing you a favour again of course!

Yep.

I said that if in doubt they should have checked with us. She replied that I wasn’t there when they left and they had no doubt . I said you could have phoned and didn’t you think it was odd for you to have no gifts from us and why we were sending gifts to family who we never exchanged gifts with.

So you berated MIL until she apologised, when the mistake was entirely yours & DH doing for failing to label the gifts?
Nice.

But you entangled yourself by raising it with mil. So that's why everyone is saying you should have labelled presents

It is strange that your in laws gave a gift "from you and H" to the BiL you dont speak to. Why on earth do they think after all these years you would give HIM a gift, and not THEM. I think they are stirring the pot there.

Apart from that - you are at fault for lazy lack of labelling.

Fair enough if your husband wrapped and didn’t label, you shouldn’t have to do this yourself for his family, but in that case it was your husbands fault and you should have blamed him NOT your poor mother in law.

Christ I was so confused after reading your post. Label your gifts.

It's you.

Feel bad for your mil

They didn't "give away" the gifts. YOU and your HUSBAND didn't label anything. Imagine making your mother in law apologise for that!

@olympicsrock but they didn't give your gifts away as you implied in your thread title. There was a mix up and the incorrect presents were exchanged which were later sorted out? If I'm making sense of your non sensical post?

Shouldn’t have bothered with the backstory…
PIL trying to micromanage their children getting on is part of the issue.
Trying not to drip feed

I think you know it's silly to ask others to deliver unlabelled gifts.

YOU can remember who they're for because you know what they are! Not fair on PIL, at all.

This was an honest mistake, by the sounds of it. I can also see why they might not want to take a present away from BIL, knowing it could spark more bad blood.

Just use labels and bags going forward and maybe deliver your own presents?

You were the one who was such a brat to your MIL on the phone about all this, so yes, if you're going to behave that way, then maybe you should take responsibility for labelling the presents.

You owe your MIL an apology for being so fucking awful to her over your and your husband's laziness.

Not all sorted out. BIL still believes we gave him an expensive gift .

Completely your fault, and you've behaved appallingly to your MIL.

Convinced it's her though, and you will ignore the hundred responses telling you that it is infact you who owes her the apology. Your "upset DH" crap that you tried to guilt trip her with. Over a book, which unless was a first edition, was not an expensive gift.

Frankly the pair of you are hard work and precious and sound like the pain in the ass of this family.

So you admit that you berated your husband for not labelling his gifts, and STILL had a go at your poor MIL over it! Wow.

We don’t need a drip feed about how awful your mother in law is. Maybe she is, but in this situation it’s entirely your husbands fault and not your parents in law.

It was very clear that you were just looking for a reason to have a go at MIL.

The "you" should have labelled the presents was intended for the collective you as in you and / or your husband. It was "your" (as in you two) fault.

Buying the same bottle of whiskey every year is not thoughtful. No matter how well received it was, it scores zero in terms of thought and a book every year much the same.

So you want to point out to mumsnetters that a man is responsible for sorting gifts for his family, I agree and I think the majority will. But yet in your rambling story, it was MIL (not FIL) than got the blame and you (not her son) that had to lay into her.