PIL gave their Christmas presents from us away

[olympicsrock]

PIL came to stay before Christmas. It was hard going. They are very ‘particular ‘ people. DH had a big fall out with BIL 10 years ago . We see them at family occasions only and do send gifts to BIL’s child. PIL have pushed for a reconciliation hard over the years. We get on fine with DH’s sister who has adult children but we agreed years ago not to exchange adult presents . ( kids under 18 only) .

During visit PIL gave our kids presents and the children gave them a small present back each . We agreed not to exchange adult presents then so that we all had something to open on Christmas Day.
I put BIL’s child’s gift in a bag with a label - (it was pretty full )and asked them to deliver it.
On the day that they left DH put the gifts for PIL , he says he said here are your presents ( expensive and thoughtful presents) on our kitchen table next to Christmas cards for the siblings that they would deliver . No labels on the gifts but FIL always gets a bottle and MIL loves reading ( rectangular parcel)

FIL must have put the wrapped bottle in the child’s gift bag and MIL decided that because the pile of books for her was next to a card for DH‘s sister then the gift must be for SIL .

None of them have told lazy BIL that the bottle he received ‘from DH’ was not meant for him. Awkward as he did not send birthday or Christmas gifts to our kids . They did however finally tell the lovely sister so MIL did get her gift. I am relieved because I do not want the expectation of having to buy and post and exchange gifts with adult extended family.

Today I told MIL that DH was upset about the mistake because he put time into choosing MIL’s gift. She initially said that they did nothing wrong as it was ‘obvious’ that the gifts were for the siblings and we should have labelled them.
I said that if in doubt they should have checked with us. She replied that I wasn’t there when they left and they had no doubt . I said you could have phoned and didn’t you think it was odd for you to have no gifts from us and why we were sending gifts to family who we never exchanged gifts with.

She eventually apologised in a very self righteous way for doing harm and I said no harm done but a mistake that could easily have been prevented .

She also was stroppy about them receiving a generous gift of wine from a wine merchant from
my mother that did not contain the sender details. For background my mother gives them a gift of wine every year and I was easily able to confirm that yes the gift was from the usual sender. Aaaghhh!

AIBU that they want to pretend that the gift was from DH to BIL and that they didn’t check! Accept that gift labels would have helped and have said this to DH but to be honest they would only have had a few gifts so not hard to remember.

And would I be unreasonable to suggest that DM doesn’t bother them with a gift from wine merchants next year!

We give presents to people they do what they like with them, why the need for the drama and lack of labels?

A lot of people find Christmas exhausting, a lot have prickly relationships, a lot are neurodiverse, it doesn't excuse your rudeness.

You said it was your husband's thing to buy the presents yet now, to punish the in-laws, you're happy to 'punish the innocent child'.

Interesting when the majority say one thing yet you cling on to the two that don't.

Being snarky to pp who've called you out is an insight of how you treat those around you.

You posted for other opinions yet you're stuck on being right, or more importantly to you, the in-laws being wrong.
Narcissistic much!

Why post if you thought you were right all along?
A bit of humility will serve you well OP.

Perhaps next year say," we longer want to do presents anymore, due to financial restraints. So please don't buy us any." That's what we did around 10 years ago, and I love it! We only buy for our children and have saved so much money.

It doesn't sound like these people bring out the best in you OP. Maybe it would be better to have less contact and not do presents if that's the case.

Thanks for updating.

I did say mistakes happen.

The labels weren’t done, but you clarified it was DH job to sort out the presents. It would’ve been better to let him handle the mix up that happened out of that and step back.

You asked AIBU and 93% said yes - objectively you were.

I don’t think it’s fair to take out your frustrations on MIL and now deciding not to gift a present to the DC, who has no role. How come DH, who was the source of it, isn’t your focus?

It will be good to have a break as you said and 4 days is quite long unless you are all really close.

I think people got focused on the labels, on the specific conversation you had with MIL and didn’t process the rest of it.

They couldn’t rationally think you decided to reconcile and we’re sending him a present. If they’d given the present to anyone else it would be different.

Given how much you’ve been hounded to reconcile, they’d have been throwing a party if they really thought you were finally doing it.

Both knowing them id say it could be willful ignorance based on fervent hopes. But after four days of nonsense that’s probably overly generous.

They weren't labelled, that's your fault not theirs.
My mum did similar this year, sent a bottle bag unlabelled that my dad said was from my sister to me. I bought a gift voucher in a panic and sent to her email confused as we don't exchange Xmas gifts.
The bag was for my daughter from my mum! So my sister was then confused as to why I'd bought her a gift but we've all laughed about it and she enjoyed her voucher which she deserved anyway

And other people ruin Christmas. That should be on a t-shirt.

I do want to say that your DH should not be using his parents to deliver anything to your BIL’s household. That’s a firm boundary for me with my family - if you aren’t in touch with someone, don’t expect me to be the middleman for delivering messages or presents.

Yeah, it’s her DH’s fault for not labeling and for using his parents as winged present delivery monkeys. But they had to know the present wasn’t for DH’s arch enemy.

Yes it could easily have been avoided- by you labelling the gifts!

It was by no means obvious the gifts were for PIL and it shouldn’t be on them to phone you. They made a mistake but it was on you to label the gifts.

All that pressing for an apology - when it was your fault! Quite embarrassed for you.

For your DH to label really I mean - using “you” as a plural for you both

Good idea to not ask other people to deliver for you, do it yourself and take responsibility for it?

I am so confused by this post - at the beginning you say you don’t exchange presents between adults? Anyway, label your presents! A sharpie will do!

This!! The OP is wilfully obtuse on this fact (the “you plural” meaning her and DH. But is upset that she thinks PIL are wilfully obtuse….

Classic posting in AIBU thinking she is right and then not accepting the outcome!

Buying the same bottle of whiskey every year is not thoughtful. No matter how well received it was, it scores zero in terms of thought

Matter of opinion and only relevant in the sense that ILs surely knew the present was not for BIL.

If they’d given it to anyone else I would understand.

Nah, it’s a classic case of a poorly worded and overly detailed OP.

It should have said: “We have been no contact with my husband’s brother since he stole from us and caused us to lose our business and nearly our home. DH’s parents hound us constantly to forgive and forget, yet he’s never made an effort to repay us or apologize. This year PIL handed an expensive gift clearly intended for my FIL to BIL and told him it was from us.”

I thought OP meant a break from MN.

Yes but you can’t get away from the fact the the present was NOT clearly labelled. Perhaps the PIL did it on purpose, maybe not. Either way it could have even avoided by a simple label.

I wonder why the husband made sure the nieces present was labelled but not his own parents?

You also can’t get away from the fact that they well know their sons are not speaking.
I am a veteran in dealing with family members not speaking. You most especially don’t “forget” two sons are at odds.

He was lazy in not labeling the gifts, but he handed the gifts for his parents directly to them and the gift for the niece was being delivered.

I accept he gave them plausible deniability by failing to label their gifts but also because of their manipulative history, think they were trying to broker a truce by giving expensive whisky to the shit bird.

He was lazy in not labeling the gifts, but he handed the gifts for his parents directly to them and the gift for the niece was being delivered.

No as stated by the OP the gifts were left on the table, FIL put his gift into the gift bag which contained the nieces present ( I assume to be able to carry it) and the MIL present was next to a card for the SIL which is why they assumed the gift was for her.

Definitely should have labelled your presents easily confused otherwise especially if not delivering them yourselves

Also your OP is a bit confusing with detail about the children's presents etc not needed

It is really confusing. And it sounds like they just consolidated the bottle in with the nieces gift to carry it out.

I've only read the first page but given your snotty reply about it being your DHs responsibility why are you getting involved or making a thread about it?

Except there's no issue with SIL and she also got a present intended for MIL

So they can't be "forcing" a reconciliation there

And labelling WOULD have taken the excuse away

And OP shouldn't have been rude to MIL and made her apologise

Regardless of the past issues with BIL, OP is acting badly.