PIL gave their Christmas presents from us away

[olympicsrock]

PIL came to stay before Christmas. It was hard going. They are very ‘particular ‘ people. DH had a big fall out with BIL 10 years ago . We see them at family occasions only and do send gifts to BIL’s child. PIL have pushed for a reconciliation hard over the years. We get on fine with DH’s sister who has adult children but we agreed years ago not to exchange adult presents . ( kids under 18 only) .

During visit PIL gave our kids presents and the children gave them a small present back each . We agreed not to exchange adult presents then so that we all had something to open on Christmas Day.
I put BIL’s child’s gift in a bag with a label - (it was pretty full )and asked them to deliver it.
On the day that they left DH put the gifts for PIL , he says he said here are your presents ( expensive and thoughtful presents) on our kitchen table next to Christmas cards for the siblings that they would deliver . No labels on the gifts but FIL always gets a bottle and MIL loves reading ( rectangular parcel)

FIL must have put the wrapped bottle in the child’s gift bag and MIL decided that because the pile of books for her was next to a card for DH‘s sister then the gift must be for SIL .

None of them have told lazy BIL that the bottle he received ‘from DH’ was not meant for him. Awkward as he did not send birthday or Christmas gifts to our kids . They did however finally tell the lovely sister so MIL did get her gift. I am relieved because I do not want the expectation of having to buy and post and exchange gifts with adult extended family.

Today I told MIL that DH was upset about the mistake because he put time into choosing MIL’s gift. She initially said that they did nothing wrong as it was ‘obvious’ that the gifts were for the siblings and we should have labelled them.
I said that if in doubt they should have checked with us. She replied that I wasn’t there when they left and they had no doubt . I said you could have phoned and didn’t you think it was odd for you to have no gifts from us and why we were sending gifts to family who we never exchanged gifts with.

She eventually apologised in a very self righteous way for doing harm and I said no harm done but a mistake that could easily have been prevented .

She also was stroppy about them receiving a generous gift of wine from a wine merchant from
my mother that did not contain the sender details. For background my mother gives them a gift of wine every year and I was easily able to confirm that yes the gift was from the usual sender. Aaaghhh!

AIBU that they want to pretend that the gift was from DH to BIL and that they didn’t check! Accept that gift labels would have helped and have said this to DH but to be honest they would only have had a few gifts so not hard to remember.

And would I be unreasonable to suggest that DM doesn’t bother them with a gift from wine merchants next year!

Pop along to Card Factory - purchase a selection of pretty bags.
Purchase pretty tags.
Place already labelled gifts in appropriate bag,also labelled for extra security. The only method to ward off a cock up and bad feeling.

I love doing pretty, special labels for everyone. Sometimes I make labels from old Christmas cards.

Not gift tagging a present is lazy and verges on the disrespectful. Feel sorry for your MIL

Agreed.

You should have put labels on the gifts. You should not have had a go at your mother in law about the error which was caused by you and told her you were upset. You made the gift giving all about you. They are the ones that missed out!

What are you talking about?! Very confusing post. Just label the presents in future.

Click baity thread title, they didn’t “give your presents away”. Really hard work, you should have labelled them.

"Label the presents" is the new "cancel the cheque". 🤣

olympicsrock
There's no point in people saying you should have labelled the presents because you already said you know that. We've all realised things afterwards that would have been better if we'd done them.
I just wanted to say that if it's any consolation, I think this MIL would have done something at some point anyway to be hurtful to you, especially regarding her son whom she knows has not behaved perfectly but possibly she favours.
to punish you for not making a big fuss of her golden boy son whom she probably deep down knows behaves badly and can't bear that you have seen this clear as day. I'm rather old - maybe I shouldn't be here on MN but I hope I can be some help at times. Because I'm old I've been through a lot at different times and seen how bitter people behave. One way is to pretend they did not get your letter or message when they know it was important and related to something relevant that needed attention by a certain time. This has happened to me. Another similar thing which hurt me a lot more than that as it happened when I was younger and I had put such a lot into the presents, was the repeated giving away or breaking of special gifts I had bought for a couple. The things I gave them were at a cost to me and so much more than I ever had in my life. I was so pleased to be able to give them even though I went without in order to do so. But they gave them away! Just like that! Then the next special present was 'broken'. It was at this stage I stopped with the presents... well almost, I still did a few things which were discarded I noticed.

If a person has decided they want to hurt you then they just will. You can't stop them. You can't reason with them. The problem lies with them. It is almost always a family member that keeps this going because we can't get away from them. I have realised that if a person has a jealous or spiteful heart or is possessive or has a personality problem of some sort, once you have made sure it is not you that is causing the constant pain that you get, you just have to accept that they have a problem and you can't change them. They might be your DH's DM or another relative of someone you love and whom you cannot avoid. It's quite likely that they are jealous of you, such as your MIL feeling you have taken away her precious boy.

If I'm in this situation where someone has hurt me as you have described, I just try to do what Michelle Obama said about dealing with people who dealt low and unfair blows to her or her family. She said in those circumstances she just tried 'to go higher' and not be pulled down by their unkindness or unfairness, but remain dignified and composed, no matter how distressed she might feel inside.
I try to imagine that I am not really interested in that person but am like a Royal on a visit, just politely shaking their hand, smiling, then moving on.
I do hope this helps olympicsrock, and please don't upset yourself about the lack of labels, it's not a big deal. Oh, and if she can only complain about your Mother's kind and generous gesture, I would certainly suggest your mother does not sent anything next year. Unless she would like to send her a packet of note-cards so that MIL can write thank you letters....

I agree.

Yes your mistake could very easily have been prevented. By labelling your gifts. Honestly who gives gifts without labels? Especially given you were also giving them cards and presents to deliver to other people. This was your mistake. Just write names on the gifts in future

How old are your in laws? It sounds like an honest mistake. Are you saying that they deliberately gave your gifts away? It seems unlikely.

Absolutely

If you want to give your DH responsibility for gift giving on his side you can't jump and micromanage when it goes wrong! Unclench woman. The worst that's happened here is that a man got a bottle of whisky and perhaps, perhaps relations with his own brother thawed a bit. And if that brother buys your husband a gift next year then it's still not your problem because it's up to your DH to respond if he wants to. You're gatekeeping that relationship.

How hard is it for DH to stick labels on presents? Very gracious of MIL to apologise for his mistake.

Anyone else have an aneurysm trying to understand this post

Definitely tell DM not to bother. I think the lack of labels on the gifts is the main issue but I do suspect they may have been trying to make some kind of point, unless they're just going a bit dotty. The answer I'd say is just tell Bil the gift was for FIL and leave it up to him to return or not, if you don't get on anyway I don't see why transparency should be an issue. I'm guessing given the history you're actually more annoyed that BIL has received the gift than that FIL hasn't? Then I'd take a PP's advice and just try to lessen the emotions around ILs visits by creating detachment.

The gifts ought to have been clearly labelled. I know tags fall off but you don't seem to have put any on in the first place. While I would not assume that gifts were for people to whom cards were going I would have thought some of them were, esp if the person read a lot. Labelling gifts is not hard - write the name on the paper if necessary - we are mostly not mind readers. As for MiL's mistake, if presents and cards are together one tends to assume they belong to the same person. YABU - label your gifts. Do not tell BIL the wine was not for him - very rude

Why would you wait to give them gifts until they were leaving?

that alone is odd.

just apologize for making strange accusations. You may not have been responsible for the labeling fiasco, but you are responsible for how you handled the fallout.

Write labels next time. Do not tell others to deliver your presents to someone else or really stop buying them for the adults.
YABU and clearly overthinking. If I were your MIL I wouldn't apologise. The mistake is easy to make and easy to solve if you put half of the effort you are putting now complaining writing a label.

I'm sorry but if they weren't labeled what do you expect. They did no wrong YABU they aren't mind readers and that bottle could have been anything. Label things in future.

YABU - write labels - how long does that take ffs?

You should have put labels on the bloody gifts ffs, I feel so sorry for your in laws!

Longest post ever!! Just label the bloomin gifts next time! 🤣

Coincidentally talking with my partner about presents and expectations, and the conclusion was - not a hill to die on, and life is too short.

You’re a nightmare.

Why not just say what you mean? Or are you that emotionally ignorant?

You really want to moan about the 10 year grudge with the BIL, and the PIL’s behaviour at your home at Christmas, but use these Christmas presents as the ruse.

If this Christmas was the last straw just say so.

The IL might be awful but your twonky half explanations suggest that you contribute to getting your family into these messes by how you (don’t) communicate, and make things worse.

And your mother sends gifts anonymously which is obviously your MIL’s fault!!

You are precious