PIL gave their Christmas presents from us away

[olympicsrock]

PIL came to stay before Christmas. It was hard going. They are very ‘particular ‘ people. DH had a big fall out with BIL 10 years ago . We see them at family occasions only and do send gifts to BIL’s child. PIL have pushed for a reconciliation hard over the years. We get on fine with DH’s sister who has adult children but we agreed years ago not to exchange adult presents . ( kids under 18 only) .

During visit PIL gave our kids presents and the children gave them a small present back each . We agreed not to exchange adult presents then so that we all had something to open on Christmas Day.
I put BIL’s child’s gift in a bag with a label - (it was pretty full )and asked them to deliver it.
On the day that they left DH put the gifts for PIL , he says he said here are your presents ( expensive and thoughtful presents) on our kitchen table next to Christmas cards for the siblings that they would deliver . No labels on the gifts but FIL always gets a bottle and MIL loves reading ( rectangular parcel)

FIL must have put the wrapped bottle in the child’s gift bag and MIL decided that because the pile of books for her was next to a card for DH‘s sister then the gift must be for SIL .

None of them have told lazy BIL that the bottle he received ‘from DH’ was not meant for him. Awkward as he did not send birthday or Christmas gifts to our kids . They did however finally tell the lovely sister so MIL did get her gift. I am relieved because I do not want the expectation of having to buy and post and exchange gifts with adult extended family.

Today I told MIL that DH was upset about the mistake because he put time into choosing MIL’s gift. She initially said that they did nothing wrong as it was ‘obvious’ that the gifts were for the siblings and we should have labelled them.
I said that if in doubt they should have checked with us. She replied that I wasn’t there when they left and they had no doubt . I said you could have phoned and didn’t you think it was odd for you to have no gifts from us and why we were sending gifts to family who we never exchanged gifts with.

She eventually apologised in a very self righteous way for doing harm and I said no harm done but a mistake that could easily have been prevented .

She also was stroppy about them receiving a generous gift of wine from a wine merchant from
my mother that did not contain the sender details. For background my mother gives them a gift of wine every year and I was easily able to confirm that yes the gift was from the usual sender. Aaaghhh!

AIBU that they want to pretend that the gift was from DH to BIL and that they didn’t check! Accept that gift labels would have helped and have said this to DH but to be honest they would only have had a few gifts so not hard to remember.

And would I be unreasonable to suggest that DM doesn’t bother them with a gift from wine merchants next year!

Feels like the gifts aren't the issue here, as of course presents handed over should have beeb labelled or in a distinguishable bag or something very clear- that's obvious.

However your comments appear full on anger, clearly there are issues, resentment, distaste between you and ils.

Sounds like you’re really hard work op. Not just on this thread but in real life. There was a mix up. Normally people would apologise for not labelling, speak to the recipients, and not blame the recipipients for not asking or checking with ghe supplier. On what planet is that a normal way to behave.

You're getting a hard time here. If I'm reading into this properly, you've had a pretty awful time of it with your BIL and have been NC about 10 years, which MIL isn't accepting and has been pushing for you all to build fences. This is the bit I suspect has got your back up as it seems like she found an opportunity to hand over the gifts to BIL to give him the impression that you and DH are ready to "make up" and she can play happy families again.

I know someone very much like your MIL who would pull something like this, and to be honest, I'm not surprised you're annoyed. The worst thing is that it's hard to prove she actually did it on purpose, so you kind of have to sweep it under the rug. Of course, it could have been a genuine mistake, but you know your MIL better than any of us.

It sounds like you've just reached the end of your tether with her. I'd let DH handle it in the future and make sure the presents are labelled!

Iam lost who's present was who's just reading this post.
Silly not to label them on the pretence they are easy identifiable due to shape of them!!!

I think their "no conflict" stance is much better all round than your bee in bonnet getting worked up and having to resolve everything panic. You chose to leave presents and the giving of them to DH, and he dealt with it as he saw fit. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill and just let it be. Laugh about it with him.

You keep going on about this backstory, and more having happened. So what? History doesn't mean you have to get worked up about every event since. Lots of families have these little spats, disagreement and goings on, but you come across as the insufferable DIL stoking things up. It's a very rare day I side with PILs on here. Poor them. Poor DH.

This is the best response here

An honest mistake by the sound of things, the presents should have been clearly labelled.

I couldn't even understand from your post which gifts were given to whom and meant for whom. So yes, they should always be labelled.

I'm not sure what you are upset about as I didn't get your op but are you upset because they intentionally or carelessly regifted your presents? In my family we all do a lot of regifting. Mil does it super openly. I think she hardly every buys anything but gives away the many presents she gets. It's not mean. When she gets something she thinks me, dh or kids like she will give it to us. I used to find it odd but now totally buy into it in an effort to reduce waste.

Or are you upset because pil pretended that you gave presents to bil and sil that you aren't on good terms with to improve the relationship? A bit cheeky but to be honest I always buy something for dh or others from my parents. In this case they would want him to have something from them though but they sometimes forget and are grateful if I do it.

Either way I don't think your pil did anything terribly wrong. It sounds like it was an easy and understandable mistake to make.

@olympicsrock

He then borrowed money from us which he hasn’t repaid and hasn’t worked for 10 years at all due to pride.

I have to say, OP, if someone was the cause of losing my business and very nearly the family home I'd certainly not be lending him any money - especially if there was any risk of not being repaid. I'm not even sure I'd welcome that person in my home at all. 🌹

Sorry mea culpa - I see BIL and SIL weren't at your home. 🌹

Gift tags can be really useful!

Labelling the gifts would have saved all this

Just message the bil and tell him it was a mix up and that the whisky is for his father. Sorted.

I agree with this. And just going on and on about the preventable mistake is not ok. Gift are given to make the other party feel special, they should not be followed with a lecture about a misunderstanding. It leaves a bad tastes.

Your fault was making your mother in law feel bad about the situation. It was not her fault, so why was she repeatedly asked to clarify the doubt?

And so what your husband put in a lot of thoughts buying books for his mum. It's not a massive favour. Why did she really need to know that?

And why are you using in laws as your courier people? Send it by post - at least the cards

Agreed. Sounds like a massive favour.

🤔

I have honestly never heard of this - I must be well out of touch if it's extremely common 🤔

Surely you’ve heard of sarcasm? 😁

How old are your PIL? Perhaps they just forgot who was supposed to receive what, don't be so harsh on them as you will be elderly one day xx

This post sounds logical.

I'm sorry,
You should always LABEL GIFTS.
Esp as during This holiday season everyone's p**. Anyway.
B.T. W. A few years ago I realised that children esp get lots of gifts and it's so easy to forget where they came from so I started putting a label on the actual item so that days afterwards, After all the paper had been ripped off- they would always know the sender ( wrapped or UNWRAPPED.)

I'm sorry....you blamed your MIL for upsetting your DH because he wasn't clear which gift was for her?
How is this her fault? Certainly not someI would bring up with her!!

This is why I prefer opening gifts with the giver present

Sixteen pages of people pretending that the PIL could reasonably believe that OP and her DH sent a present to a person who caused them to lose their business.

They may be daft, but this was after years of them begging OP and her DH to reconnect with the brother and being told no. Are we are really going to say they had cause to think that no tag meant it must be for someone with whom they continually refuse to speak?

@AliceOlive @DinkyDonkey2018
I’m glad at least a couple of people get the massive frustration I feel having been pushed and pushed by PIL to reconcile over the years. It just feels like manipulation. And this was on top of a dreadful 4 day visit from them.
I / we only asked them to deliver ONE present (labelled and in a gift bag) for BIL’s daughter so that a child who is innocent didn’t miss out. It wasn’t reciprocated by the way!

What I’ve taken from this is that I will not bother buying gifts for the little girl in future , yes I do resent it and will certainly not ask PIL to deliver ANYTHING .

I’m neurodiverse and find christmas exhausting. And Mumsnet didn’t feel hugely kind in this instance. If someone’s post is not clear perhaps consider that they are really stressed. Has made me think about taking a break ( which would probably do me good anyway) . 😀