To divorce him?

[Verah]

He refuses to move forward with our life in any sort of meaningful way. I say “What shall we do? What do you want to do?” He shrugs “Dunno”. “Can we discuss it and make some plans?”. “No”.

Then he says he needs to do some thinking and planning, he tells everyone that’s what he’s going to do, and I say “Great! Let’s do it!”. But another free period over Christmas goes by and every single day he refuses to actually do it. It’s January yet again and we’re still no further forward. We have no plans, no future. Then I push him and he gets angry and says “Why is it all on me? Why do I have to make a plan? Why can’t you do it?”. So then I say “Fine! Fuck you - I’ll live my own life without you”.

This hasn’t just gone on for a few weeks or months. He’s been refusing to make plans to move forward for over three years now. It’s making me depressed. Time is ticking and our lives are being wasted. The only way for me to move forward and build a future is without him. I feel a bit unreasonable asking for a divorce because he’s stagnant, but it’s making me resentful and angry and depressed because he’s holding me back.

What is it you’d like to plan to do?

How old are you? Do you have kids?

What do you want OP? What plans are you expecting from him?

Most importantly, what are you not satisfied about with your marriage that you need to change and therefore need him to change about himself and your relationship? I really feel that this is what is at the heart of your frustration.

Is it plans for holidays, house repairs, relocation, travelling for a year? What is it that needs planning?

If it's having children then I'd say no if you're arguing this much

We already have kids. But I want to change jobs, maybe change careers. He wants to change jobs, he’s always whinging about his job. I want to update our house or maybe even move to a new house. I want to plan holidays and plan how we can make the money to afford those holidays. Or possibly look at buying a holiday cottage and doing it up. I want to take up new hobbies and projects - new challenges, new achievements. Maybe start a small business.

At the moment it feels like our future is just Same-Same-Same-Same-Death. It’s never going to get any better than this. We’ve done everything we’re ever going to do, we’re just waiting to die. I want more than this.

He refuses to do anything. He refuses to even talk about doing anything. He whinges non-stop that he’s bored and fed up, he hates his job, he has other ambitions. Sometimes he cries because his job is awful and his life isn’t going anywhere. But then he does absolutely nothing about it. He’s just going to sit there forever doing absolutely nothing until he dies. But because I’m married to him, if he refuses to discuss our shared future then I can’t really do anything about it either. And I’m sick of him whinging and crying and saying he wants to do stuff but then refusing to actually do it - it’s incredibly frustrating.

Why can’t you change jobs and get hobbies though? That bit doesn’t need a joint plan.

You be the change you want to see rather than waiting for him.

Get a new job.

Start the planning.

He'll either follow or he won't.

Also could he be depressed? If he’s crying about his job and unable to make plans for the future it sounds like he’s depressed.

Only you can know whether he’s just a person who struggles to make changes and is content to stick in a rut or is depressed. Was he ever good at planning and doing?

If you want to leave then wanting different things in life is a very valid reason.

I think you should start by making the changes you can make without him.

He may see this and follow suit. If not, and if you still feel stuck and that you cannot stand his moaning, I guess you make your decision.

We have kids. I can’t just do whatever I want. We need to agree on a plan and who will look after the kids and how we’ll afford it. We need to discuss me starting a business and how we’ll finance it. Or him getting a new job and how that works around family commitments. Me going back to university, him working away from home during the week. Maybe we renovate our house, or move to a different house, or maybe we move to a different place entirely. Spending our savings on a holiday home, or on an extension for our house, or investing them in a business.

The point is, we’re supposed to be living our lives together, making plans together, accommodating and supporting each other. Not just me doing whatever the hell I want with no input from him at all. If that’s what I’m going to do then I might as well divorce him.

Plans for what?

This is what your girl pals are for. Men can't meet all our needs

Omg just go and do it. Life doesn't need to be planned out, start doing the things you want to do.

Start researching about a career change or look for a new job.
Go and get some quote about updating the house.
Go and get a hobby
What holidays can you afford and what do you need to do to save

Why does it need to be a thing you both sit down and plan.

Or maybe he's "on the spectrum" yawn

Decide what you want to do and then inform him.

I suggest you focus on things that would benefit you if you were to divorce.

What are you on about? Why would he be on the spectrum? Stupid comment.

Pick the thing you want to do first. So you want to go to uni then sit down and work out the finances then have a discussion if you can afford it and how childcare would work.

Marriage is a team. My dh isn't a planner. Would be paralysed if I threw all those things at him. So I would tell him would I would like to do, we would talk through the budget and childcare options and discuss viability

Sounds like you don’t actually no what you want, so why not decide and then put it to him?

I don't think OP is saying she CANT do those things without him, it's just so bloody depressing being with someone who would happily just let life pass them by, and doesn't seem to have any real interest in a life together. No, men can't meet all our needs, but what's the point in being in a partnership where you have to do everything by yourself/with friends, and your partner knows you are unhappy but refuses to even meet you halfway? Some people might be happy with that, but I know I wouldn't be.

Divorce him if you want to.

But the only difference between the 2 of you is that you talk about wanting to plan and he doesn’t even get that far.

If you want to change career, do it. Start looking into it plan it then attempt a discussion. If someone wanted to sit around and make vague plans with me I probably wouldn’t that excited either.

If you want a hobby go look into what you want to do. When is it, is he home then, does you need a sitter and so on. Then discuss it.

If dp wanted discuss changing his job with me I would expect him to know what he wants to do, what’s the plan to get there (education/ training etc) then we would look at it.

So it depends if the conversation is ‘let’s talk about wanting to change jobs but I have no real clue’ I can see why he wouldnt engage.

But if you just want a divorce do it. But I suspect that you may find you don’t end up doing all these things pushing your life forward. You might get stuck in cycle of just talking and planning and not doing.

Holidays - get down to two alternatives and ask him for his choice of two. If he won't choose, then tell him which you're booking.

You going to university - that's on you. Find a course, work out how the finances will work, apply, get a place. Tell him it's happening.

Your business. Start it as a side hustle.

Or do you need him to get a better job, earning more and keep you? The only reason for waiting for him on any of these is if you need him to finance you.

Get on with updating the house in small ways. Decorating is easy and you can do it gradually. Pay for paint & brushes out of the shared account.

In most couples, one is usually more dynamic than the other. I think you just need to get on with it.

Only you can know whether he’s just a person who struggles to make changes and is content to stick in a rut or is depressed. Was he ever good at planning and doing?
We’ve had this problem before. We dated for years and he refused to make any plans or take any action to move forward. He didn’t ask me to move in with him, I waited years and in the end I had to push him. Then he didn’t propose. I waited another few years and gave him an ultimatum and he still didn’t propose. I was packing my suitcase to leave him when he finally proposed, and he made pretty much zero effort. He put very little effort in to organise the wedding, he didn’t even order a single brochure. Then we had kids and he didn’t read a single parenting book or do any research on pregnancy and what to expect. He’s all talk but no action.

Now I’m starting to get sick of the talk - the broken promises which are never backed up by action. He would talk about being married but never actually proposed. Now he talks about our future but refuses to actually make any concrete plans or take any steps. And then he blames me, saying it’s my fault because I don’t support him enough. He’s whinging that I’m not taking any steps to move forward so why should he? Completely failing to understand that we’re like people in a three legged race who have our ankles tied together, so I can’t walk forward unless he does too. I don’t want to be tied to him any more.

This would drive me crazy. Has he always been like this or has something changed?

I've had partners like this in the past and it's really draining to be the one who always makes the plans/books the holidays etc.

As much as I tried to make it work they never changed as they were quite happy coasting along and nothing I said would ever change that.

Why does it need to be a thing you both sit down and plan
Because I want to do it together with mutual support and enthusiasm. Not on my own, dragging him behind me.

Sorry ignore my last question, just seen your update. I honestly couldn't put up with this..

It sounds like you want to do a million things. If he knows about them and you arent coming forward with a plan to achieve it and a request for a decision then I dont know what you want really? It all sounds very vague and like you're bored.

I get it, I'm the same at wanting to do a million things. You need to be clearer though.

"Husband, I want to go to uni to do this course. It starts in Septembr and costs X. We can manage childcare by doing Y and we can finance it by spending our joint savings. Do you have any concerns with regards to the decision, finances or timeline? If not then I will go ahead and book the course on Monday and resign my job in August."