To divorce him?

[Verah]

He refuses to move forward with our life in any sort of meaningful way. I say “What shall we do? What do you want to do?” He shrugs “Dunno”. “Can we discuss it and make some plans?”. “No”.

Then he says he needs to do some thinking and planning, he tells everyone that’s what he’s going to do, and I say “Great! Let’s do it!”. But another free period over Christmas goes by and every single day he refuses to actually do it. It’s January yet again and we’re still no further forward. We have no plans, no future. Then I push him and he gets angry and says “Why is it all on me? Why do I have to make a plan? Why can’t you do it?”. So then I say “Fine! Fuck you - I’ll live my own life without you”.

This hasn’t just gone on for a few weeks or months. He’s been refusing to make plans to move forward for over three years now. It’s making me depressed. Time is ticking and our lives are being wasted. The only way for me to move forward and build a future is without him. I feel a bit unreasonable asking for a divorce because he’s stagnant, but it’s making me resentful and angry and depressed because he’s holding me back.

It sounds like this is who he is as a person, and who he's always been. You're not compatible! I don't know how you've put up with it so long!

He’s told you / shown you who is is since Day 1 ….you chose to marry him & have children with him. Why are you expecting him to be different all of a sudden ?

Omg you knew who he was when you married him why did you think he would magically change??!

FWIW @Verah most men need some degree of dragging as they're happy to coast. Those men are often steady and dependable.

The fun men with a bit of oomph are also the same men that probably enjoy going out with their mates and on lads holidays.

It's a trade off and we don't normally get it all in one person.

Ok DH, I’ve decided that we’re going to sell our house and move to Scotland. I’m going to farm sheep which will mean investing the money we inherited from your mum into a sheep farm. I’ve written your resignation letter and I’ve filled out some applications for new jobs for you.

Don’t you think big decisions and plans should be mutual? Or do you think it’s ok for me to unilaterally make decisions about our shared life and force him to comply?

To be fair. You knew what you were signing up for.

Doesn’t sound like he has changed. You have, some what, so maybe divorce is the action. It’s fine for you to have changed. But you knew who he was. You forced the issue of living together, marriage, kids and bringing them up. You are tried of it. But you can’t make people change because it no longer suits you. So divorce him.

Though I suspect you will threaten it. A few times he will eventually put some effort in and then he will start doing the things you want him to. He will slip back into old habits. And you will start threatening divorce again and so on. Because that’s what your relationship is.

Well OP, if your plans are that radical, realistically I think you need to divorce and then live your life. I know if my DH said we were moving to a different country to buy a sheep farm, he would soon be divorced!

Thats not an example of a unilateral decision.

As someone else said, he has always been this way. When you were dragging him into marriage and parenthood, did you think he would change?

Is that really what you want to do?

You want to make one big, huge monumental change that will impact the whole family.

What research have you done? How much of this do you have knowledge on.

or are all your ideas like this? A pie in the sky that, is that big it’s never going to happen.

That’s what I’m beginning to think. He’s a total failure as a man. He doesn’t go after what he wants. He doesn’t know what he wants. In fact he can’t even be bothered to discuss what he wants. I’m increasingly finding his lack of drive to be unattractive and emasculating.

Divorce if you want but this vague accusation about plans is bizarre. Just make the plans you want that's what everyone else does.

Holidays: if left to DH every holiday would be last minute and probably wouldn't go often. I'm the one that comes up with plans and then he gets a say. If he says no holiday then I go with friends or family.

House stuff. Dh and I often disagree on this and I'm probably less bothered than him whereas he gets 3 quotes and I don't get too much say in whether or not it happens. Like he's organised a loft conversion I'm not fussed but agree we need some more space and the houses to move to never come up.

Career: neither of us expect approval from the other with our careers. I went for partner (top job) at my firm but I'm not expecting him to do more with DC. He has his days to collect kids and I have mine. We consult if we need to swap and facilitate each others plans.

You can't do anything about his lack of get up and go but you can make changes to your life. Stop blaming him and do what you want. You have equal right to 3.5 days a week of not sorting the dc. Just make a plan where his share is equal . Say you want to study you do that part time over 4 years. It would be nice to do it full time over 2 years but that's not fair on him. Etc.

Say you want to start a business you do what everyone else does and use your free time until it takes off and you can ditch your job.

It's a lot easier to achieve some goals with him around as part childcare and wage earner. Divorce would be harder to achieve goals but not impossible.

So he’s always been this way, & probably always will be. If you decide to stay with him I’d suggest you just take charge & get on with your life. I’ll ask my H’s opinion, but if he shows no interest I just get on with it otherwise we’d all be sitting around waiting & wondering & doing eff all.

You actually sound pretty horrible.

YABU IMO if you’re wanting your H to be sole employed earner and/or change jobs in finance your (further) higher education or starting a business, when overall money is an issue. Those ideas aren’t feasible for most working parents.

Can you even buy a second house/go to uni/farm sheep etc if you divorce?

I dated a man like that, it sucks the joy out of life when you’re the only one in a couple with any kind of get up and go. I couldn’t stand it.

Total failure of a man?
Are you a total failure of a woman because you wanted to marry him. Did marry him and then have kids with him? Of course you aren’t.

You then complain he is exactly who he has always been? You picked a man, who didn’t hide who he was. But now being pretty vile about him because he didn’t became who you wanted him to?

He is who he is and isn't going to change. So you can be pissed off at the situation but if you don't make a change (leave him?) your life with him will stay the same.

Why are you 'surprised' by his behaviour OP .

You had to pretty much beg him to marry you !

This is who he is and always was.... you were aware of this and still married him.

Did you think YOU could change him.

You're not happy so make plans to leave him.

‘Sometimes he cries because his job is awful and his life isn’t going anywhere.’

And you seem to think this is some sort of an insult, not a literal cry of distress.

Other PP have suggested that you take the lead and just get things moving, maybe for yourself, maybe for all of you. You aren’t going to force your husband into being a decisive, forward thinking taker of the initiative, I’m afraid. He was as he is now when you married him, he hasn’t changed and it doesn’t seem as if you are going the right way about encouraging him to ‘change’.

I’m really sorry for you both, you seem to be in a spiral of stagnation and resentment.

Op what changes have you made that make you happier?

Because at the moment your complaint seems to be that he moans about stuff and is unhappy but doesn’t change anything.

You are just moaning and unhappy but haven’t actually done anything. So how is he different?

Why are all the things that you want to change about him? Look at what is within your control and change that. All decisions don't have to hinge on him being the driver. You can be the driver too.

Probably not. But at least I’ll be free of the constant whinging of “I’m not happy, I hate my job, I want more out of life” followed by the constant frustration of him refusing to actually do anything about it or even discuss how to move forward. I feel like we have all of these opportunities that he’s squandering because he refuses to take any action. I’m going to be 80 and looking back saying “We could have done these things but he would never actually cooperate with me”.

With him gone I’ll be able to make changes - just maybe not the same type of changes. New partner perhaps. New house definitely. New hobbies because he’ll have DC for part of the week. I’ll get half of the savings and I’ll be able to spend them without needing his agreement.

You sound quite difficult. You are frustrated and taking your frustration out on him. You know he won’t magically become a different person so you’re indulging yourself in goading him knowing he will give you reason to justify your anger at him. It’s poor psychology.
Leave him if you want. Life tends to be more difficult and with fewer options though if you are managing a family and working without being together.
If you don’t leave him then just accept you’re the one with all the drive and need to get him to feel positive about the future and your options. He can be the steady one and you can get the new job, hobbies.
It does seem a little like you are looking for someone to blame for your own inertia. You obviously don’t like or respect him so leave him be. You’re making both of you miserable.

You knew what he was like when you married him, but you married him anyway, thinking you could change him. Except men don't change, so what you married is what you've got. I suggest marriage counseling.