To divorce him?

[Verah]

He refuses to move forward with our life in any sort of meaningful way. I say “What shall we do? What do you want to do?” He shrugs “Dunno”. “Can we discuss it and make some plans?”. “No”.

Then he says he needs to do some thinking and planning, he tells everyone that’s what he’s going to do, and I say “Great! Let’s do it!”. But another free period over Christmas goes by and every single day he refuses to actually do it. It’s January yet again and we’re still no further forward. We have no plans, no future. Then I push him and he gets angry and says “Why is it all on me? Why do I have to make a plan? Why can’t you do it?”. So then I say “Fine! Fuck you - I’ll live my own life without you”.

This hasn’t just gone on for a few weeks or months. He’s been refusing to make plans to move forward for over three years now. It’s making me depressed. Time is ticking and our lives are being wasted. The only way for me to move forward and build a future is without him. I feel a bit unreasonable asking for a divorce because he’s stagnant, but it’s making me resentful and angry and depressed because he’s holding me back.

I’m a little confused.
i have 5 kids. My ex was a bit like this. I just made plans and did them. I did them as if I were single and he was either along for the ride or got off the bus.
He isn’t stopping you. You are. You can’t change anyone else. You can only change yourself. If divorce is right for you, do it or stay married and make YOUR life work for you.

There’s an absolutely massive difference between what this poster suggested and what you are saying here though OP.

You listed so many things in a previous post that you/both wanted, moving, renovating, new job for both of you, setting up a new business etc. If you are going to him with all of that I’m not surprised he feels too overwhelmed to make any steps forward, I’d be the same! You need to sit down and think, pick one. Which is most important to you? If it’s the housing situation then great, focus on that first. Have a think about what renovations you might want to do, discuss that with him, or have a look in rightmove to see what kind of options you have, discuss those with him. Deal with one thing at a time because reality is you cannot do everything at once.

The reality also is that in most relationships (if not all), one will lead and the other follows, there are some things in our lives that DH will always lead on, there are other things that I will always lead on. It just takes one of you to go “okay, this is what I want specifically- lets discuss xyz”, rather than you going to him and saying “I want to do abcdefghijkl”, you are never going to have a constructive discussion doing it that way.

And don’t be too harsh on him because actually, you haven’t done anything but talk either.

Then divorce him, set him free from your horrible attitude towards him being a ‘failure of a man’ and go find your happily ever after. You will both be free of this miserable marriage then. Hopefully youl both consider your children in it and can keep it amicable.

Then just divorce him.

Stop moaning about it and do it. You have planned it. You know in your heart of hearts that divorcing him will give you a better life. You have all these things guaranteed to you if you just took the step of divorcing.

You were compatible at gathering beginnings but for some reason were obsessed with marrying him and ignored it. Stop ignoring it now and make the change

He’s a total failure as a man.

I think when you've got to the point that you belive this about your spouse, regardless of everything else you've said, then to let them go and find someone who doesn't feel this way about them would be the fairest thing. There's zero respect here, and you are looking to him for a dynamic go getting attitude that you knew he never had, and that's unfair.

I think it is perfectly possible to live your life, and make decisions and plans withough feeling like you're in a three legged race, holidays, career changes, all possible without permission.

You're doing yourself no favours, you're doing him even less.

Sometimes he cries because his job is awful and his life isn’t going anywhere. And you seem to think this is some sort of an insult, not a literal cry of distress.
It’s annoying. I’ve sat down with him multiple times over the course of years and he’s refused to discuss the issue and look for a way round it. I’ve bought him notebooks and pens to write down pros and cons and ideas. I’ve sent him job adverts and offered to take sole responsibility for the kids if he wants to work away from home. I’ve offered him my own birthday money to pay for a life coach or a career coach to talk it through. I’ve filled out applications for counselling which he refused to attend. I’ve explored bank loans which would allow him to quit and got all the paperwork which he refused to look at. Now I’m starting to get angry because he’s just ruining our lives by refusing to move forward. He can sit here for another 3-4 decades and whinge about being unhappy but I won’t be sitting with him.

He sounds quite frustrating. It is horrible listening to someone moan about something that is within their control, like their job, for years and years and see them do nothing to change this, it is incredibly frustrating.

However your plans sound like they could be quite overwhelming for a lot of people, there are a lot of them and they are very varied and I imagine lots of people would potentially switch off and refuse to engage when you talk about these , as where are they supposed to start!? They don't sound like plans, they sound like lots of conflicting ideas, some more realistic than others.

As hard as it is with your husband, you do know that he is unlikely to come up with alternative plans. So really you can choose to do what you want, and he can choose to come along with you or not.

So if I was you, I'd do what a pp suggested up thread and pick a goal that you want to achieve and then tell him you're doing it and this is how you see it working and does he have any objections (and if so how these be worked around)

To be fair to OP, it doesn't sound like her DH leads on anything at all, and as someone with a similar husband I can tell you it's exhausting being the leader and ideas person all the time. I also get very frustrated with mine, he is happy coasting in life whereas I always want to improve. However mine wasn't like this when I married him! Sounds like OP did know what he was like and therefore I think she should leave him as this will never get any better

So really you can choose to do what you want, and he can choose to come along with you or not.
I don’t want to do stuff on my own and drag a dead weight behind me. I want to do stuff together with a partner, sharing the joy and enthusiasm. If he isn’t going to do stuff with me then I want to find someone else who will.

As you say though, OP knew this when she married him.

She has to force the issue of moving in with him but still did it, and then she had to force the issue of marriage and still did that and happily wandered down the aisle to him to commit life long vows. He hasn’t changed at all, he is still exactly the same person she married, only she’s suddenly decided after pushing everything else that she’s had enough. That’s fine, but it’s on OP really, not him. He is the same person he has always been.

I didn’t beg him to marry me. I told him he had to make a decision or I would make it for him. He failed to make a decision by the deadline, so I took it into my own hands and I started packing my suitcase. Then suddenly when the decision had been made he decided that’s not what he wanted, and he began furiously pedalling in the opposite direction with a ring and a proposal. But there was no joy in it any more. His failure to take action and make a decision by himself sucked all the joy out of it.

Thats exactly what I feel now. I want him to be enthusiastic and make joint decisions and be happy and excited about moving forward with our lives together. I don’t want to feel like I’ve made the decisions by myself and he has to choose whether to go along with it or not.

When he failed to make his own decision about moving forward with marriage I should have dumped him then. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake. He’s failing to make a decision about moving forward yet again, and I already know that pushing him is joyless for me. So I’m thinking that I shouldn’t push him this time - I should just leave him behind.

If you don't feel things are going to change for the better as you see it, then divorce now and get it over with so you can move on.

Your range of plans sounds huge though. Was it a crazy wish list or a realistic plan?

Sketch out your future. Sit down and ask him whether he wants to be part of it.
And then you have the information about whether your first step is a divorce.

That’s practically begging.

and you went along with it despite there being ‘no joy’ in it. just because he back peddled didn’t mean you had to accept. You chose that. Knowing all the details.

You chose to stay even though he appears to have been like this the whole time. You didn’t make a change either.

You are as bad as eachother. Both complaining but both acting like everything is out of your control.

OP, you married Mr Playitsafe, not Mr Dynamic.

He isn't a total failure of a man. He sticks at a job rather than just walking out and going on benefits or sponging off you. He's father to two children.

But he is not and probably never will be go-getting. You are hoping for too much if you want bubbling enthusiasm. He is waiting for you to do it for him, as you always have.

So go ahead with your plans, make your decisions or divorce him. But don't blame him for being who he has always been. That isn't fair.

Hi there, I know I will be blasted for recommending Surrendered Wife book (available from Amazon). However I am going to recommend it anyway. It took me 10 years (and numerous re-reads) to fully get around this method. However the book changed my thinking slightly straight away (the book has many positive reviews on Amazon). I have a husband exactly like yours. As I am typing this I am taking a break from my PhD application while he is making New Year dinner. Both parties are happy, teenagers are happy. Celebrating 25 years together this year. I hope it helps

Your range of plans sounds huge though. Was it a crazy wish list or a realistic plan?
Wish list. Obviously some decisions will preclude others. If we renovate our house we won’t be selling it and moving. If we spend our savings on a holiday home we wont be investing in a business. If he gets a job working away five days a week I won’t be starting a new hobby on a week night.

The point is, we need to discuss and evaluate our options. Research, gather information, make decisions and create a plan to move forward. And he just won’t. Won’t discuss, won’t decide, won’t plan. So we end up doing nothing and wasting all of our opportunities for years on end. I’m sick of it.

He’s holding you back . Ypu only get one shot at this .

This is who he is. This is who he's always been. He wasn't exactly hiding his true character. Knowing that, you chose to marry him. Presumably you once thought he had good points that outweighed his passivity? I'm not sure why you would have expected him to change who he was. If you required a partner with some get-up-and-go, surely the time to have thought about that was before committing to marry and have kids with someone who displayed no evidence of it.

But it's clear you no longer love, like or respect him, so on that basis you should certainly divorce him.

But I want to change jobs, maybe change careers. He wants to change jobs, he’s always whinging about his job. I want to update our house or maybe even move to a new house. I want to plan holidays and plan how we can make the money to afford those holidays. Or possibly look at buying a holiday cottage and doing it up. I want to take up new hobbies and projects - new challenges, new achievements. Maybe start a small business.

Tbh you sound like someone who's never happy though. Updating and moving houses are unpleasant, stressful and time-consuming events that should only be done if necessary; if you just want to move for the hell of it, I'd be refusing too. And why on earth would you willingly take on the job of doing up a holiday cottage unless it was your actual job. I'd rather drink bleach.

Also, it's funny you just toss in "maybe start a small business" as an aside. If you did it'd be a huge undertaking requiring a lot of time and money for, at the start, not much reward. These are things that need your heart and soul, not things you do on a whim. Maybe he's wondering why you always need to have a grand faddish project on the go.

Obviously if you want to change jobs or get new hobbies you'd be able to do that with no input from him at all.

divorce him, then he can plod through his life without you, you won’t change him, you married him knowing he was a plodder and he didn’t take action. Leave him and let him find someone likeminded .

Op is holding herself back.

She held herself back when he wasn’t fussed about living with her.

Or when he didn’t propose, even though Op kept asking him to.

Or when she finally had to pack her things to get him to propose.

Or when she felt he ahead sucked all the joy out of proposing.

Or now when she thinks he is a ‘failure of a man’ and has stayed.

Or when she wanted to discuss these things for years and he didn’t want to and she decided to stay.

Or when she decided to pursue anything for herself without his imput.

These are all choices she made, holding herself back.

I agree she should leave. Because she is unhappy and knows she would be happier. But the only holding Op is herself. Which means it’s easier to stop doing it.

I was going to suggest that it’s a bit overwhelming for him to be faced with so many option. But after reading this, it seems like even if you spoon feed him solutions he still won’t budge.

I expect you’ll only get any decisions out of him with an ultimatum, if you say you’re leaving he will agree to plans, just like when you got engaged. But not because it’s what he wants, but because change scares him, and you leaving him would be the biggest change so he’ll agree to the smaller ones.

sucks.

@Verah massive squishes. Sounds like you are carrying dead weight along with you in life that’s not adding anything to your life.

He doesn’t want to change. Won’t change. Won’t seek help and only acts upon things when you are burnt out and have a foot out the door and bags packed.

I think it’s time to call this as ‘done’ and tell him it’s over. No more chances. No more opportunities for half assed empty chances.

good luck.

I realise I'm quite late to this thread. But I found it because the original post resonated with me and what I am experiencing with my partner. I can't believe how judgemental and rude some of these comments are. If you don't live with someone who takes no initiative, you don't know how exhausting and draining it is. I make so many plans that I drag my husband to just for him to be there without really caring. I try to bounce ideas around for the day to see what would be fun for all of us and what would get him excited. Nothing.
I think a great relationship is a common goal and bringing out the best in each other. And I don't have that and it sounds like you don't either.

I just finished an almost 20 year long relationship with someone who was this passive. Never thought, planned or intentionally worked towards a better future for us or the kids. Was always satisfied with whatever status quo.
I didn't let it hold me back- I changed jobs, sis courses, had hobbies, planned family moves, home improvements.

In the end, I got too frustrated and disappointed by not having a partner in this "driving for a better future", so I understand your frustration.

But equally, don't let his passivity hold you back. Stay or leave, but work towards your goals and dreams.