Dh gets annoyed when Dd asks him to play

[Newyearnewmerubbish]

Dd, 5 literally has to beg him, he gets grumpy and says ‘I’m sitting down’ then looks me up and down. He eventually gives in and storms around, makes me so sad for Dd.
Yesterday, she had friends over then I did baking with her and arranged and tidied and cooked from a small party. The day before, I took her food shopping and took her to the playground ( he asked if he needed to come)
Now he’s looking at me as if I should be playing with her as though I should be doing it, hate the way he begrudges it so much. He’s the same about bedtimes (we alternate Dds) and will ask in front of her if he has to do tonight’s or will I stop etc
He says he’s off work and should be relaxing, is it so hard to play with your child, everything is always no or I’m sitting down now.

“Play is the work of children “ —Piaget. Yes parents play with children, or include them in work and activities, or bathe them and put them to bed. All the mumsnetter contrarians aside the Op’s DH isn’t denying thing these things need to be done he is simply saying he is too important to do them. Meanwhile he also doesn’t do the housework/wifework/lifework that the Op does.

They had this child: yes they are obligated to show her the consideration that they would show a dog if they had a dog. Interacting with/playing with a five year old is mandatory developmentally.

I’m sorry but he clearly doesn’t adore her or give a crap about her feelings.

Not helpful I know. But my parents very rarely played with me. We'd do a board game maybe once a fortnight - something with a fixed end - but never anything else. My mum read with me a lot, and we'd bake a cake, or make rice krispie cakes every now and then, but there was never any imaginary play.
My dad never did any sort of "play" with me.

Very unpleasant behaviour from him. She's his child, not just yours!

What a prick. Oh god why do I read these threads - it’s so depressing the number of absolute arseholes some women have unwittingly chosen. The selfishness, the malice, the entitlement, the sexism.

And he doesn’t adore her OP. He just doesn’t.

Mine is like this. Its a pain in the bum and I get so cross when they were young. He is better with structured things so I usually intercepted before huffing begins and handed dc card game or board game as dh doesn't mind those.
Yep I shouldn't have to manage the situation and yes he should have done it willingly but he was and is a lazy toad at times

He adores her, I know he does
He doesnt adore her. And she knows he doesnt.

you have options, of course. You can lower and lower your expectations until him being in the room without causing much of an atmosphere is the standard. And damage your children. Damage your career as you’ll be doing everything, which in turn will damage your savings and pension.

Or you can say no this isnt good enough and mean it. Discuss ways forward. Discuss minimum expectations.

and absolutely know what is the line in the sand for you. At what point will you say actually the emotional damage to you and your children isnt acceptable and as he isnt prepared to be a decent human, he goes.

Childhood emotional neglect, some criteria:

• Dismissed or ignored feelings because the parent is focused on themselves or another situation

• Withholding or not showing affection, whether it is explicitly requested or not

• Lack of shared celebration or joy when experiencing a positive emotion like happiness or excitement

This will have dire consequences on your child and her relationship with him, and other people. He needs to start parenting. If he doesn't I advise that you leave.

Do you also work? Not that it is important at all. But I wonder if he is resentful of you (as he looks you up and down, and expects you to do most of the parenting!). It kind of sounds like his problem is with you. I'm sorry, he sucks😔

All he's doing is ruining any future relationship with her.

@Makkacakka I work part time and do everything else more or less

What a shit he is! My dh is often exhausted by his job as a paramedic but absolutely adores playing with both our young kids and often initiates it. He loves spending time with them. Sure he has the occasional ten mins here and there while he chills on his phone but nothing like you describe from your dh. Can you try talking to him again? I'd be so upset in your shoes and worried about the impact his attitude will have on the kids.

I agree with this. It's only a newish Western idea that you need to play with your kids. Set them up with something to do. I've got 2 kids and I've literally never 'played' with them. I'm an adult. They have their own toys. My mum and dad never 'played' with me. Yeh we do stuff together but what's this obsession with playing.

I have to agree

It's also harder for only dc I think

Gdg isn't great at amusing herself

Just another pointless, shit, parasite of a man, damaging the next generation.
Hopefully soon you will raise your standards and rid yourself of this substandard specimen.

He adores her, I know he does but I hate when he’s like that

No he doesn't, he can't be bothered to play with her or do her bed times. Sure there's are times for all of us where we can't be arsed but we do or we do it most of the time; what an awful message he's sending to her, that his time isn't worth spending on her. I'd have a very serious conversation and as he seems to be (wilfully) misunderstanding point out you're off work too and would have a chance to relax if he pulled his weight, and that when you have children relaxing looks very different. If he wants downtime he should allow you the same, but also make sure he isn't making it clear to his daughter he can't be bothered with her, that'll mess her up in later life.

Gosh, did he even want kids?

He is her role model for male relationships later in life. What exactly is he role modelling?

I read recently that 80% of your time with your children is spent before they're 12 y/o. 20% is the rest of your and their life.

Many of these requests and occasions will be his last because she will stop asking, because it emotionally damages her, and then she will stop engaging with him, because she won't value his now unwanted input.

She won't feel she can turn to him and won't take his advice leaving her vulnerable to others who she will likely over value because they give her attention.

@Kendodd what a load of tosh. The dad is not engaging with his child and letting her know it.

Just because you once heard something in radio 4 doesn't make him not a shit dad. Why are you so keen to look for excuse for this behaviour?

Reframe it for him (I know you shouldn't have to but you're in this situation so try to improve it)

Tell him that as a father, it's his duty to spend time with his dc. He needs to aim for an hour of focused attention a day (or whatever) then it's ok to say "sorry darling, daddy's a bit busy at the moment"
Compartmentalising this helps those who compartmentalise life generally. It sounds like he has "work" then "relaxation" and nothing else.

He needs "work" "relaxation" "chores" "family time" and so on.

He doesn't hide his contempt for his own child or you op, can't be bothered to even take her to bed, he absolutely does not adore her, he doesn't even tolerate her well and at 5 she will know this.

Please have a serious think about the damage he will continue to cause her if you stay, he is a horrible father.

That sounds really sad. Your poor DD will obviously be picking up on this.
Having said that, looking back I don't think my own DH played much with the children (I mean imaginative play, he played board games etc). My DH was much more in to doing activities with them like taking them out to a museum or to play with a ball in the park. Some people aren't good at playing with children but it's really important he finds things they can both enjoy. Constantly rejecting her must be soul destroying.

Mine too. He watched films with them, took them to the park, taught them to ride bikes, played with balls, got them involved in chores alongside him especially gardening and just generally chatted with them.
Never actually played with toys with them.

Men who adore their children don't make them beg for attention.

Surely your DD doesn’t need someone to play with her and do things with her all day, though? Is your DH’s objection simply that she needs to learn to play with her toys without an adult playing ‘with’ her all the time? I would expect a five-year-old to be able to play on her own while her parents were doing other things.