Dh gets annoyed when Dd asks him to play

[Newyearnewmerubbish]

Dd, 5 literally has to beg him, he gets grumpy and says ‘I’m sitting down’ then looks me up and down. He eventually gives in and storms around, makes me so sad for Dd.
Yesterday, she had friends over then I did baking with her and arranged and tidied and cooked from a small party. The day before, I took her food shopping and took her to the playground ( he asked if he needed to come)
Now he’s looking at me as if I should be playing with her as though I should be doing it, hate the way he begrudges it so much. He’s the same about bedtimes (we alternate Dds) and will ask in front of her if he has to do tonight’s or will I stop etc
He says he’s off work and should be relaxing, is it so hard to play with your child, everything is always no or I’m sitting down now.

Sorry but I disagree that this applies to this situation.

No, we don't need to be actively playing with our children 24/7, but this little girl is asking her father for some of his time and being rejected. In OP's words, she has to "literally beg" her Dad for some attention. That's potentially emotionally damaging to a little girl, to feel that level of rejection from one of her parents.

@WonderLife

If he doesn't like role play he could offer to do lego, board games, crafts, read a story with her instead?
Sounds like he just doesn't want to do anything with her if he is moaning about putting her to bed in front of her

😥 DH never did any of these with ours. Neither did my parents. I'm realising this isn't normal.

Sadly, I agree with this forecast.

Dd, 5 literally has to beg him, he gets grumpy and says ‘I’m sitting down’ then looks me up and down. He eventually gives in and storms around, makes me so sad for Dd.

The message the little girl is getting here is, I'm an inconvenience / unimportant to my Dad, and it makes him annoyed when I ask for some of his attention, so it's wrong to do that.

That's not a healthy message for a 5 year old little girl to be getting about her relationship to one of her parents. I feel so sad for her 🙁 Thank goodness she has the OP as a mum to mitigate the effects of that.

That's sad. It doesn't have to be role play (that is the pits- I would rather gouge my eyes out than pretend to be a character, as this seemed to entail being told I was wrong in whatever I did).
But playing with Lego, cars, some board games, cards etc etc is all part of being a parent. Boring but bonding. Giving value to them.

I don't think he's wrong to not want to play - it's boring for adults. I don't enjoy playing with my kids and try to connect in different ways.

It the huffing is more of a problem. He needs to regulate his response better and think of ways to connect with her that aren't play. Reading, baking, trips out - could even be just to run errands or a walk round the park.

I think you both need to discuss this - he needs to get out of the grump but I think don't guilt him for not wanting to play. It's so common to see women posting on here full of guilt for not playing and the thread is full of reassurance its fine not to, so why would it be different for fathers?

Dare I ask, did he want a boy?

@AndThatWasNY

Exactly. It's any type of positive attention from her father - that's what she's really asking for. My 2.5 year old often follows me when I'm doing something as mundane as cleaning windows for example, and says "mummy I help you". She's not genuinely wanting to help me clean, obviously. She's asking for my attention and time because I'm important to her. So I give her a dry cloth and let her "pretend" to clean windows with me, and praise her etc saying she's done a great job etc. Something as simple as that and her face lights up. It's the interaction this little girl is craving, it doesn't matter what the "game" is. Toys don't even need to be involved.

Totally agree, it doesn't really matter what kind of positive attention you given your child so long as you do give them some. I hate role play too and almost never do it but you can involve children in whatever you enjoy more - whether that's stories, card games, drawing - or in things you need to do. My 6 year old helped me put together some flatpack furniture yesterday. They can help you cook dinner. I fondly remember going through the car wash with my dad.

It's being rejected and told you are an annoyance and boring that is so damaging.

@WonderLife

We cross posted very similar thoughts there! You're on my wavelength with this it seems.

Why do some people even have kids? He’s a shit dad.

And if my 2.5 year old wants me to get down on the floor with her and do Bluey jigsaws or build a Lego tower for the 100th time that day, and I always totally thrilled and loving life to be on the floor again doing yet another tower / jigsaw? No, course not (sometimes yes but not every single time obviously)! Do I engage with my child regardless though, and feign as much enthusiasm about the 100th Lego tower of the day as I can because I know it's important to her emotional wellbeing? Yes, I do.

That's parenting though isn't it. Doing shit we aren't always thrilled about because it's in the best interests of our children's wellbeing.

@AndThatWasNY Oh yes I've done Lego, baking, crafts, games I just can't pretend to be someone else!!

Doesn't that depend on what the type of play is?
Maybe she got some games at Christmas that you can't play with alone? Maybe she wants to do things that need adult input like cooking, reading instructions etc
I am in my 60s from a working class background and I remember my parents playing card games, pencil and paper games, board games and outside games with me.

Also I think some studies show the opposite of what you site. I've that children who have active , engaged parents who enjoy spending time with them do much better.

DS is very good at self directed play and doesn't need us, he's happy to get on, but we've spent this morning building a huge Lego kit (police station, jail, vehicles etc) and playing cops and robbers. A balance is needed, I don't think children ought to dictate all of the adults' time but absolutely playing with your children is important. Your DC is getting the message that she's an irritant/inconvenience to her father and that's not ok

I don't think everyone finds children's games fun.

I know dh loved playing with the dc but he found imaginative play very difficult. He was much better when they were older and wanted to do board games and that sort of thing. I otoh found the imaginative play great, but tend to opt out of board games after a couple of rounds. Ditto going to the park, dh loved that far more than me.

My df very rarely played. Only really cricket on holiday, and occasional board games, perhaps 1-2 times a year. I don't even remember him joining in on meccano, which was his from when he was a child.
But I adored him, and would tag after him as he did DIY. What he did do brilliantly was show what he was doing and explain. I associate the smell of fresh wood with him, and cut grass etc. He was pretty good at giving a small child something to do that made them thing they were being helpful as he did work round the house. I loved that and he always had time for that.
When older we used to sit together after work doing maths and physics and him explaining how things worked.
That didn't make him an awful dad. He was just one who didn't play small child's games.

@Kendodd for most of human history children have been raised in groups. If you have one child they need more adult playing time than if you have 5 and they play together. It was really noticeable to me that when DC1 started school DC2 suddenly required a lot more playtime on my days with him. It was because I was his only playmate for the first time.

@MargaretThursday

I think you've jus perfectly illustrated my earlier point there with your lovely example.

Your father was giving you positive attention via a different means than play with toys, and the message you presumably got from this was that you were important to him, based on your fond memories of these experiences.

That's the key. The game and toys don't matter so much as the message the child gets from the interactions with their parents. The little girl in the OP having to "beg" her father for some scraps of positive attention is so sad and likely damaging.

Agreed. We’ve all been there where we’ve just sat down and the last thing we want to do is play. It’s about how we express it.

I don’t think the issue is necessarily he doesn’t play at children’s games. Like others have said it’s more that:

• he is always putting his own needs first and can’t see she needs attention in whatever form he can offer it
• he is looking to you as the default parent and being exceptionally rude and uncaring to you by having a go at you relaxing. It sounds like you do pretty much everything around the house and all the wife work

I'll tell you what kind of play I could never do with any of my four children - anything messy. I could just about manage Play Doh but never painting, or sticking things on to paper.

I loved role playing and telling them stories though. I made loads up. I was also good at jigsaws and Lego and I didn't mind baking (but it had to be cleared up immediately).

I loved playing with the children. Yes, it was sometimes boring but it's an essential part of being a parent.
It isn't something you can opt out of.

And I can definitely confirm that kids will 100% recognize a lack of interest from a very young age, and that it is incredibly harmful to your self esteem and later life relationships.

@Newyearnewmerubbish

is DD demanding of what they play?

I don't have much memory of my life at your daughter's age. But the little bits I do remember are things like my Dad building my new Barbie house, melting old crayons into wax for candles (making them striped layers) and letting me 'help' as he was fixing the car/making concrete moulded shapes for the outside wall & decorating. He didn't lose his cool when I asked for the 409th time if the car had petrol or whatever. He'd take me to the swimming baths or for a walk in the woods. When older he'd play cards/board games & facilitate play, but there's no way he would have 'played' with me with my toys like Barbie's/baby dolls etc.

your DH needs to find things he doesn't mind doing (like teaching her to play draughts or card games) & DD needs to understand that DH is allowed to choose what he's happy to play.

Tell he has until she is 7 to bond and form a relationship with her and after that it's too late. (According to the saying 'show me a child until they are 7...'). That might make him sit up.

He's a bad father and he's hurting your dd.

She'll carry the messages he's giving, about her not being worth spending time with, for a long time.