10 year old, 8 year old and a newborn? AIBU?

[StudyWorries]

DH and I already have 2DC and have always wanted a 3rd but life events have meant that we haven’t had one yet. We are 35 and 36yo, if that’s of any relevance.

To give the full picture, we are not home owners as DH is provided accommodation as part of his employment, but we will need to have a home of our own in about 5 years time. We have £30k in savings.

Are we BU to have one more child in these circumstances?

That’s a big age gap between the big 2 and the little one. It’s not an easy age gap to manage.

What circumstances? The fact you don’t own a home? You had two already when - presumably - you didn’t own a home so why should stop you now?

Nonsense. The age gap is fine. The gap between my eldest two and youngest is 9 and 11 years. They dote on her. We are also older, much more relaxed about life and parenting and generally in a better financial position - it has been a completely different parenting experience. We have really enjoyed the new baby as opposed to stressing and surviving the first time around. Go for it and enjoy it!

I wouldn’t, I have a big gap DC12,DC9, DC1 and I’m your age, but only had the last one as I had a new DP with no other children. 3 is a lot of kids, you’d be surprised how few 5 seater cars they fit in. Holiday places are geared up for 2 kids. Nursery costs are extortionate, not helped much by the funded hours or any other gov “help”. We obviously had to buy everything again. It’s also knackering to go through pregnancy and the sleepless nights in your mid to late thirties compared to doing it in your twenties. The kids are at completely different stages, nothing they want to do is the same, navigating extra curriculars with an overtired baby in tow is awful. You’re nearly at that freedom stage with the older one, don’t go and sign up for starting all over again.

Personally I think you'd be bonkers to go back to the baby days when you've got two children who are getting to an age where they will allow you more independence again but if you both want one then that's your choice.

It’s entirely up to you.

For me I wouldn’t. My kids are older than yours but once they got to around 10 I found life was so much easier. Once they were both in high school life felt really easy. Ever since ds was about 8 I was sure I didn’t want to go back the baby stage.

A few days ago both were at home and I went to bed for a nap. It was one of those moments I really appreciated having older kids. But me and the kids do all sorts. Last minute trips out. Weekends away. Saturday night fancy restaurant meals. Mornings are so easy. Dd is at uni and ds gets himself to school and me to work. No school runs and drops off to factor in. Life feels easier.

I am not with their Dad anymore, he had a mental health crisis and no longer sees them. I do have a dp who doesn’t live here. He would have one if I would but I don’t want one.

But that’s entirely me. That’s not the right decision for everyone.

I wouldn’t. it’s a massive age gap which is much harder work. But more importantly another baby will be expensive and make it harder for you to secure your finances for the kids you do have. Your priority is the kids you have.

The OP’s key problem is she is not in a good financial position though. That’s why she’s asking.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having another child in these circumstances if you both want one. I think sometimes a larger age gap can be easier because the older children are more independent and you don’t have multiple young children with competing needs. If it’s definitely what you want then go for it.

This 100%

I would focus on the children you have and saving for a home. 2 children is plenty and the close age gap means you won't be dragging tweens round Peppa Pig world. I think you're crazy to consider returning to the baby days.

I agree. At 10 + 8 your children are at a great age and there's no way I would be adding a baby into the mix.

In 5 years when you need to buy, what size house will you need?

If you have a third realistically you are going to need a 4 bed. The oldest two will be at the stage of wanting their privacy, and the gap will be too great to share with the youngest.

If you save nothing for the next 2 years (Mat leave plus before childcare help) and 5k per year for the reminder do you have a big enough deposit for a 4 bed?

Alternatively if you save 10k per year (because no childcare costs) how does that change your deposit of a 3 bed?

I wouldn’t personally as when kids get older it’s nice to do more age appropriate things with them and a 2yr gap is perfect for that. It’s going to be difficult with a baby tagging along or preventing your kids from doing things with parents they might have done if no baby. Given you want your own home too adding in another child is going to be very tough financially with COL. So my advice is don’t do it, your life though!

My eldest DD is 13 in 2 weeks, we also have DD2 age 8 and DS who is now 4 months! I'm also 36. I had wanted a smaller gap between 2 and 3 but it took an age to get pregnant the third time for some reason. I blame my DH's terrible diet and his age- 46.

So far, so good and we're in a better place financially so I've actually done baby classes etc this time. Almost 13yo doesn't need a car seat so that makes it easier. I'm trying to enjoy every moment knowing how quickly it all goes.

So of course I would say do it!!

It wouldn’t be for me. We’ve got a couple of sets of friends who’ve gone back for a third with a similar age gap and their lives are just so much more complicated than they need to be. There aren’t many activities that work really well for toddlers and pre-teens so someone is always hanging around on the edges of something they don’t enjoy.

Especially as you don’t have a home or all that much in savings relatively - I’d focus on the dc you already have and making your family life the best it can be. Are you paying rent on your accommodation currently? Equivalent to a mortgage? As I’d worry about how you will pay rent or mortgage at market rate in a few years if you aren’t managing to save all that much just now.

I wouldn’t, the baby will miss out because older siblings won’t want to do the same things as the teenagers. I have 3, 14 12 and 10 and it’s hard finding a middle ground for things all the kids will enjoy. I have a friend who had kids 5 and 6 and then a baby and the baby (who is now 20) was left out her whole life as they did things the older 2 liked and not her. She didn’t go to parks or playgrounds or anything much and was kind of made to grow up quickly

This. My sister and a few of my friends did this and now struggle in school holidays to do days out that are suitable for both toddlers and teenagers. It's usually the older ones that miss out doing what they want to do and end up sitting at soft play type place every day.

We have 3, 2 boys 4 and 2, and baby is 4m. All works fine because age gaps are very close (18m and 2y1m) but I'd not want to do it with a big gap. 3 is full on because you don't have 3 hands 🤣

YABU in the sense you have 2 lovely children at lovely ages where you can enjoy them, go on fun days out and holidays, play games as a family, not juggle bedtimes and pushchairs etc. And you have more money and time to give them. Another child would ruin all that.

I had exactly the gap in your OP and it's been great, but, perhaps crucially, we don"t live in the UK with the horrific cost of childcare and we were happy to adapt holidays etc to the situation rather than expecting to be able to do the standard '2adults, 2 dc' things. We also didn't have a bedroom for a few years so the dc could have a room each. They are 18, 16 and 8 now and the older two have always adored their little sister. We often do stuff separately (one parent takes older two to gig, other parent takes dd to children's concert) but still do a lot together as a family - museums, long country walks, beaches, cooking and eating.

I was the third child in this scenario. My sisters are 8 and 10 years older than me. I was effectively raised as an only child and my two older sisters always resented the fact that I came along - none of us are close.
please think about the dynamics of your family will change, because there is a real knock on effect to the older ones.

Remember you have the expense of teenagers to come just as you will be looking for accommodation. Also if any of your DC go to university you need to factor costs of that too

This is also a good point and worth thinking about. It's also been my experience that many of those who have a baby after a big age gap often end up having another, so 3 becomes 4, as they worry about the youngest feeling like an only child. Then you have 2 sets of children at different stages of their life and are stretched too much to meet the needs of either group.

This question can’t be answered by anyone but you and your partner. Everyone has their own individual feelings and opinions on the size and time line of their family. If you really want another baby and feel this longing won’t go away then go for it. Only you know the answer to this.