10 year old, 8 year old and a newborn? AIBU?

[StudyWorries]

DH and I already have 2DC and have always wanted a 3rd but life events have meant that we haven’t had one yet. We are 35 and 36yo, if that’s of any relevance.

To give the full picture, we are not home owners as DH is provided accommodation as part of his employment, but we will need to have a home of our own in about 5 years time. We have £30k in savings.

Are we BU to have one more child in these circumstances?

Honestly I wouldn’t. My friend has a 8 year age gap not through choice (now 9 and 18m) and she struggles to come up with activities/days out that cover both ages….although she did say the newborn stage was easier as the 8 year old was fairly self sufficient and happy to play on his Xbox while she sorted baby.

Also £30k isn’t a massive amount for a house deposit and having another baby would seriously put a dent in your ability to save more. I’d concentrate on increasing the house deposit so that you can be more financially stable when you need to buy a house in 5 years.

@ShoesoftheWorld I have similar age gaps. Can I ask how their relationship with the youngest progressed through the early teenage years? All good at the moment 😂

My DC were 10 and 8 1/2 when I had a third DC. Third not planned but very much loved. I didn't find it hard for the first year. The next 2 years were more difficult as I could not find many activities all 3 DC liked except petting zoos. Then when the youngest in school is ok again because older DC are doing their own thing more. Middle DC and youngest both boys and very close now both adults. It helped that they always had their own rooms. It would have been much harder if trying to put a 10 year old in the same room as a toddler.

I wouldn't. Your kids are finally at an age where they're becoming independent - why would you want to go back to the baby days?!

No. You don't even own a home. I'd honestly look at buying a flat, to rent out. By the time husband retires, you could move into the flat. Someone I know was a school caretaker, with free accommodation. He was there for years, with little savings. He was let go, and they were suddenly homeless. It's a scary prospect. I'm not saying your husband would be sacked. But he could leave due to ill health or die prematurely. It would be most sensible to buy a small property to rent out, as the value would continue to rise over time. Otherwise you'll struggle to get a mortgage past 50.

I agree!

Focus on both of your careers and getting a home where your kids can have their pen rooms.

Right now you’re at risk of a baby having to share a room with an 11 and 9 yo, which would not be fair to them.

Focus on the kids you have.

Fabulous. She has always been their favourite person. They won't hear a word against her. Any irritations (inevitable from time to time) have been minor and short-lived. Dc1 has decided he doesn't want any children, but I'm really not sure she's the cause

I know the urge to have a third one when you've got two kids is immense (when the youngest one gets to sort of 10 to 12 years old.) I've had it myself (I have 2 girls less than 2 years apart.) I was in my early 40s at the time and I even came off the pill and tried. (DH wanted to too!) It never happened. I was disappointed for a year or two, but I am so glad now. (So is DH.)

I'd have been 43 or 44 when the third one was born. I can't believe I even thought of doing it. This was like, 15 years ago, and I would have had a junior school age child at 50, and a child in their early teens now when I'm knocking the door of 60. It fills me with absolute horrors just thinking about it.

Since 49-50 y.o. (nearly a decade,) me and DH have had an empty nest, as our 2 DDs left home in quick succession, one year after the other and never came back (both went to uni.) We both love our girls dearly, and enjoyed every second of raising them, but that part of our life is done, and I can't imagine why we thought about starting over with another one when they were virtually teenagers, and almost independent.

Having an empty nest at 50 was wonderful. Having a full one for 20 years was wonderful, but having an empty one at 50 and not having to worry about young/school age children anymore is lovely! We now have 2 intelligent, successful, brilliant young women - with their own home - who are now our adult daughters - and our best friends.

I know you're a bit younger but you'll still be in your early 50s, with a child in their early to mid teens. Instead of being early 40s with a child in the early to mid teens. Honestly how much more tired and weary you feel, and how many more health problems you have in your early 50s, compared to early 40s, you can't even imagine.

I see a few people on here thinking having a baby at 41-44ish, and they think it's great idea because they feel really great and healthy and young - but don't underestimate what the menopause does, and how your health can change in that one decade - early 40s to early 50s...

Also, unless you're actually very well off, on six figures, have your home paid for, and have a few hundred thousand pounds put away, don't do it. It's going to be hard enough with two as they grow up - with school, college, university, trying to help them financially. We struggled financially for quite a years, and only came out of struggling properly when they left uni as we are not on massive salaries, just average like most people. Don't put more struggling into the mix. Stick with two children. It's a perfect number of children. (So is one!)

I have DC1 aged 28, DC2 19 and DC3 17. They are full siblings, people often assume the older one is a half brother due to the gap. It felt like we completely started again with DC2 (it's easy to forget how exhausting the baby and toddler stage is), and it could be difficult to choose family activities that suited all when they were younger.

If you're prepared for that and your parent friends to also be at different stages in life then go for it. I have no regrets.

I felt at times I almost wished the eldest DC's life away looking to the next stage, rather than enjoying living in the moment. I also didn't appreciate how quickly the loveliest stages passed by, such school nativities, Santa, etc. With DC2&3 I cherished those moment.

Eldest DC says he had a wonderful childhood and we're very close but I do feel guilty at times that his early life taught me how to be a more relaxed parent his much younger siblings. There's no sibling rivalry and the younger two adore and look up to their much older DB. They will both play key parts in his wedding later this year.

go for it

Thanks @ShoesoftheWorld that's lovely!

At this ages I personally wouldn’t also you already have two sharing one room? I’m going to hazard they are both the same sex, if you have a third and say go from boy boy girl then suddenly the new baby once out of your room gets its own bedroom while the other two are sharing so you will end up with two teens sharing while a toddler gets his/her own room. The older two are highly unlikely to be very keen on the fairness of that.

We have three. 15,12,7 and the gap of things to do with the 7 v 12 and 15 on holidays and trips is something we will have to consider. It was quite a shock actually our first holiday realising just how big of a gap we had. For us the younger two are The same sex so they share a room with a privacy arrangement and luckily the youngest was an amazing sleeper.

I certainly wouldn’t unless some kind of emergency situation be having three to one bedroom especially with a large gap. Imagine a teenager trying to revise with a toddler/very young child.

We are also building in the garden to provide another bedroom and livingroom.

I have 4 OP and rent. Owning a home is irrelevant. As long as you have a roof over your head. However, there are 18 months to 2 years between each of them. Eldest 10, youngest 4 and now the older 2 are 9 and 10 I couldn't imagine going back to baby days. However, I have 4 already so that plays into it.

I have many friends who have kids with a big age gap and it works for them. If you like the baby stage and happy to do it, then go for it. But it will be difficult, as a pp said activities won't line up age wise. But in a few years your older ones will be teens, and doing more of what they want anyway.

It's all personal choices. What works for one family, won't work for another

For you, but how about for (theoretical) 8yo DS? Would he appreciate having his more grown up activities and days out replaced for ones suitable to the baby/toddler/preschooler? Having established extra curriculars cut back to cover nursery fees? Having to start keeping all his toys up out of the way in case DC2 swallows a small piece or breaks a prized Lego build through heavy handling?

I have a 7 and a 9yo. Nothing could compel me to add a baby into the mix at this point. The life in the trenches of the baby days are long gone, and everything is easier (although well aware this may change again in the teen years!). I have no desire to return to the slog of sleepless nights and nappies, and can't see any enhancement it would add to my current DCs' lives. They would each get significantly fewer resources (time, money, space etc) but without the positive of companionship a similar-aged sibling brings. Also, DD1's hormones are already on the move - negotiating her movement into and through puberty whilst also being chronically sleep deprived with a small human limpet or rampaging toddler to manage would be hell.
The financial aspect makes it all even more crazy IMO. As PPs have pointed out, your bigger family needs a bigger house and then there are the nursery fees. Unless you are expecting a huge promotion in the next year, this alone will leave you significantly worse off. Then, whatever money you have left for DCs now has to be split 3 ways instead of 2. What things do DCs do now that they would be expected to drop to fund their sibling and additional housing needs?

I have that age gap. I’ve found it tough in some ways (school run, older kids evening activities, the fact I get very little child free time as often I leave baby to sort older kids etc, plus their bedtime is later, level of housework etc) and in other ways easier. Kids dote on him, beeline to play, cuddle him when they are home. All 3 faces light up when they see him.

cost wise, I’m on month 3 of paying nursery and that’s not much fun! I get a lot of things second hand from vinted so that helps a lot

I think it's fine.

I have three and mine are 3 1/2, 23 months and 12 days old, so we have a smaller age gap.

That's only because of my age though, I will be 37 in February.

I think larger age gaps are fine as well, there's advantages and disadvantages to both scenarios.

For those worried about age gaps and activities, my two pre-teen boys LOVED going to In The Night Garden Live and cheered on Iggle Piggle as loud as she did because they knew how much she loved it and they wanted to make it special for HER. Similarly, they (at 14 and 12) are spearheading a trip to Peppa Pig world because she is so into it right now. It all depends on the personalities and family dynamics at play.
Families are different and in every family the age gap will play out it it’s own way. You know your older’ kids personalities best OP.

See where as my Current teen and tween wouldn’t be seen dead near a CBeebies world or Peppa pig. They have younger counsins so the chance is there to be the toddler they want to be if they wanted but they have no desire and find it wearing after an hour or so of dealing with their little cousins.

My 7 year old may bribe the oldest (boy) to a game of Barbie’s once a year maybe. Get the pool out or archery and they are all, all game. Load up the Xbox or Roblox or Pokemon go and they will all play or miles long bike rides now she’s big enough but actual toddler / baby stuff is not their thing.

They wanted to do it for her which is bloody lovely for you, but it’s not that way in family still.

The other thing is my oldest will use the little one against the middle. Which isn’t even an age thing more a three child family thing. But because the little is so much younger and thus not street smart she will go along thinking it’s just because “bro bro” loves her bestest. The middle will try it as well as a girls vs boys team.

Its a refereeing game at times 😅🫣

I had 2 children from my 1st marriage and we had a joint daughter when my children were 6 and 8. Their relationship was and is lovely still. However it made a huge financial impact on the older children if I'm honest. It really wasn't a fair thing to do. We already had our own property but in your fairly tenuous financial/housing situation I would personally be putting all effort into the future of my current family.

This is definitely a very individual decision. I honestly wouldn’t. The baby part may well be easier as you have experience and the older children will help and be lovely to the baby, and small babies are portable and can be taken wherever the older ones need to go.

But I think the downside is that it will get harder to manage the gap over time, rather than easier, and you will effectively have an only child in lots of ways with the youngest.

We are about to have three and I am nervous about that as it is, I had the advantage of a slightly larger gap when having our first baby as DSS was 6.5 when she was born and he came to live with us. We debated having a third but I really wanted to have another baby and do all of that one more time, but also wanted DD (now 2.5) to have someone to grow up with so we get that part of the family
experience too. DSS is still good with her (now 9) but definitely finds her more annoying now she’s a toddler. We’ve had a decent stretch of them being able to share activities like farms and soft plays, but as soon as DSS hits secondary school age there won’t be any shared activities for them really, but he will start to be able to do things with friends. We have also set expectations for him that most of his activities are local or attached to school until he can get about himself as that’s hard work with younger children.

Having two closer together will definitely be harder than when we had the bigger gap, but I actually really enjoy the toddler stage and will only be paying one full time childcare at any one time. We also own our home.

It really depends what you want your lives to look like. It will be an easier life for sure with just the older two rather than having another so depends how much you want that one more. I think if you just had one older child I’d say go for it for sure, but with two already who are close in age it’s going to be a big life change before you bring housing into it. We have been lucky that the younger two are both girls so can share if needed.

i wouldn’t. I’m similar in that I’m 37 and mine are aged 11 and 8- I couldn’t imagine going back to the baby stage and absolutely wouldn’t want a toddler and teens. But then I’ve always felt done after 2

Our DS is 10. BIL visited with his 2yo recently. I forgot how busy toddlers are.

I do think a lot of those who go on to have a baby after a large gap do so with a bit of rose tinted glasses when remembering what having a small child was like. It's so easy to forget how full on it is!