10 year old, 8 year old and a newborn? AIBU?

[StudyWorries]

DH and I already have 2DC and have always wanted a 3rd but life events have meant that we haven’t had one yet. We are 35 and 36yo, if that’s of any relevance.

To give the full picture, we are not home owners as DH is provided accommodation as part of his employment, but we will need to have a home of our own in about 5 years time. We have £30k in savings.

Are we BU to have one more child in these circumstances?

We had a 12 yo and 10 yo when we had our third (at ages 37 and 40). It has been wonderful. I am so much more relaxed and the dynamics are much better than expected. Oh course all the normal worries (money, life logistics l) are there, but for us it was a great decision.

This is a really good point. People often don’t think about the cost as they get older and university.

I have 6 years between mine, I only have 2. One in university. It’s not cheap.

Op might already have an expensive time of it with 2 in uni at once. By then, a larger mortgage for a larger house. And extra child at home.

It’s definitely something to consider. Not just finances for the next 5 years.

I personally wouldn't.

Firstly, my son is 10 (I only have 1 child) and the gap between him and a baby/toddler is huge. At 8 and 10, your children are at a lovely stage - more independent, able to do more and I would think, similar things, no nappies/weaning/lugging prams etc. I think adding a baby into the mix would make things very difficult. Your current children will want to do very different things to a baby and that could be hard to manage.

It's also important to consider how the current children would feel/be impacted by the arrival of another baby. It would be quite a big upheaval at this stage.

Financially, if you have a 3rd, you're likely to need a larger car, need to buy baby stuff again and then, when buying a house, you will really need 4 bedrooms, whereas currently, 3 would be fine. In 5 years, your older two will be teens and even if they are the same sex, they will be at a stage of needing privacy and space for homework etc. So sharing isn't really going to be an option and neither will want to share with a child of a maximum age of 4.

Ultimately, only you and your husband can decide but personally, I would stick to the 2 you have.

I suppose this shows how 'horses for courses' this is - having had two close together, I didn't feel I could have managed a third with a similar gap. Dd did come along a couple of years later than we'd hoped due to miscarriages, but we'd still have been looking at a 5- or 6-year gap minimum. The gap we had actually worked out very well because once dd was a toddler the older two were old enough to go off and (for example) look round a museum or see a film by themselves for a bit while we did something small child-friendly and met up with them later.

Just to warn you the older ones are about to become expensive. Teens are like paying for adults (they eat more than us, they wear adult sizes etc

I have an 11yo, 8yo and 3yo, so still a reasonable age gap. I have found the change from 2 to 3 children really challenging. It’s hard to find things to do that entertain them all due to their ages. However the two older boys are excellent big brothers to their little sister. The biggest problem I have is dealing with the constant arguing and bickering between the older two boys and then trying to also entertain a 3yo little girl.

I had this exact age gap and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't in a great financial situation and was a single parent, but it was fine. The older children really helped with the little one and it was the easiest baby experience I had.

They are really close and best friends, travelling together and in touch every day. The age gap hasn't mattered at all.

I was 36. I'm so happy that I had my third and have adorable grandchildren too!

I am 11 years older than my youngest sibling (4 years older than middle one).
Adored them as a baby (apart from when they woke everyone up at night with their crying), found them annoying as a toddler, embarrassed when I was a teenager and we had to do toddler outings/ had friends round but needed to be quiet because of nap time. little relationship once I got to older teens/ moved away to uni.
now (40s/30s) we have a great relationship, and of course wouldn’t want to miss them.
Personally I would not want to go back to the baby years, life is just getting easier. Holidays are relaxing again…
Then there is the financial aspect… can you afford £1500 a month in nursery fees? Buy a house big enough for all? Or will oldest have to share so baby can have own room?

Teens are expensive. There are no free activities for teens. Clothes, food, school stuff etc. This all adds up. If you want to buy your own home, I’d think seriously about your priorities as you may end up having to make a choice.

I had an accidental no 3 and to be honest it’s made housing a complete nightmare, once you have to start looking for 4 bed houses it’s a lot more expensive and harder to find anything suitable so that is something you should take into consideration if your hoping to buy a house in the near future. At the moment i’m resigned ti having 2 kids share but it’s causing so much drama and stress!

Our children already share a room. I hadn’t considered that they would need to stop sharing? I shared a room throughout my teen years.

We also already have a large car, so no issues on that front.

Really grateful for all of the different perspectives so far. I suppose my biggest concern is not owning a home and whether our financial situation is secure enough.

The age gap is fine! I had my youngest sister born when I was 14 and I loved helping to look after her. Now she's the last one at home and I'm sure my parents love that they haven't got an empty nest just yet.

@StudyWorries when I was a teen my options were share a room
or sleep in a cupboard and I chose the cupboard 😂 I think my kids would do the same if they had the option!
I guess it depends on the kids but I have a 13 yo and an 8yo sharing and the 13 yo really struggles not having her own space especially if she wants to have friends over.

My 2 eldest were 10 and 13 when we had our 3rd.
Absolute delight. Oldest 2 doted on her.
But we are now mid fifties with a school age child.

I hadn’t considered that they would need to stop sharing? I shared a room throughout my teen years.

They might be happy to share at 8 + 10 but it could be a very different story when you have a 10 and 12 year old. As they get older most children prefer their own space to study, hang out with friends and relax without being bothered by a sibling.

Different POV but I currently have a newborn and a 2.5 yo. Life would be so much easier right now if DS was 8yo and not 2 🙈

30 k in savings probably won’t cover a house deposit and having 3 kids will affect your affordability, especially if you have childcare expenses. Our mortgage affordability reduced by 35k when we had our second in full time childcare.
In my area 3 bedroom rental are £1,300 so if either of your jobs are insecure then you could find yourself struggling pretty quickly. Please look at your finances as I’m not sure you’re going to be able to do it.

I think you need to think about the pros and cons very carefully, people answering on here are answering based on their own personal circumstances and that doesn’t necessarily apply to you.

you DO need to think about your financial position, will you be taking on a mortgage in 5 years or renting? Will you be going back to work or SAHM? You also need to consider if one of you is ill, or your baby or children fall ill, can you survive financially?

do either of you have parents that may require additional care in the next 10 years? And adequate family support?

There are so many variables only you really know what’s right, good luck with whatever you decide.

I wouldn't, you don't even own your own home. What if all three of your kids want to go to uni? I'd focus on the two you already have.

We have 3 aged 10, 8, and 2.5. We had 2 with a 30 month gap and always considered a third. We moved house 300km, I changed jobs, we bought a house (a year later), I moved jobs two years later and then covid hit. So there is 5.5 years between my second and third.

They both love their younger sibling. Cons are it is harder in your thirties (we had our two mid to late twenties), your house ends up covered in baby gear again but that doesn't bother me. Also we couldn't use a nanny again as the other two were older and DH worked from home. But childcare now is cheaper compared with paying for two.

Although the pros of a third child outweighs the cons, we were not going to have a third before buying a house and we wouldn't have if we hadn't bought our 4 bed. You will need a higher income for 3 kids to be approved for a mortgage.

Also your kids are almost teens and will be by the time you apply for your mortgage and teens are expensive. So will your wages increase by a good bit in the near future? Our kids were 2 and 4.5 when we bought and had next to no hobbies. Now age 8 and 10 they cost us nearly €400 monthly, no way we could save for a mortgage whilst paying that.

I know that feeling of wanting another but I would say think with your head first, practicalities, have a plan in place and if you want to then do. My friend had twins aged 37 and another just had triplets aged 40 so keep that in mind 😊

It would be a no for me.Teens are expensive, really expensive, they are adults at about 12/13 in terms of food consumption, shoes and clothing. Uniform jumpers are £18 each for secondary round here plus all the other branded PE kit items.

University is currently costing me over £5k per year to fund one child. I have a 3 year gap so I have 6 years of the government expecting me to pay £5k per year to top up their maintenance loan. Ds's accommodation is over £7k a year, self catered. He gets minimum loan, it is dependent on the household income.

You woud be catering to very different ages if you go out for the day or go on holiday, I know people are on here saying it works for them but where are the other 3 children families saying it doesn't? I am one of 3, we hated it, everything is geared up for 2 children, hotel rooms, tickets, 2 ganging up on one when there are fights and there wasn't anywhere near the age gap yours have. When your eldest is 18 your youngest would be around your 8 year olds age. Lots to think about especially childcare costs which you are almost out of with an 8 year old.

@PinkPlantCase congratulations 🥳 I had bang on same L, newborn and 30 month toddler. it is a bit full on but in 6 months, the baby will love the toddler. Is your toddler asking when baby can play? Mine almost drive me demented asking why when can they play together. Hang in there 😅

I do have to say, as I did touch in in my post, that we wouldn't necessarily have made the same decision had we been in the UK. We're in a European country with subsidised childcare, social insurance systems (so no need to worry about reliance on a funding-starved NHS) and child benefit and student finance systems that actively support, rather than penalizing, 'larger' families.

@CandycaneParcel we are a family of 5 and never had any issues with booking hotel rooms. We used to book family rooms as opposed to double rooms as a family of 4, so continued to do so as a family of 5 even on holidays. But I do get your point about finances. Also I think sometimes having kids so close together (less than 2 years gaps) can be very intense on both kids and parents. Child rearing is intense on its own but having multiple toddlers and babies can magnify it and cause stress between siblings. Just my thoughts 😂