10 year old, 8 year old and a newborn? AIBU?

[StudyWorries]

DH and I already have 2DC and have always wanted a 3rd but life events have meant that we haven’t had one yet. We are 35 and 36yo, if that’s of any relevance.

To give the full picture, we are not home owners as DH is provided accommodation as part of his employment, but we will need to have a home of our own in about 5 years time. We have £30k in savings.

Are we BU to have one more child in these circumstances?

YABU. You can't afford it. Be happy with the family you have.

That's the same age gap as me & my siblings and it was fine from my perspective (the youngest), can't remember any downsides. I don't know what it was like for them. It's also fine now we're all adults.

I have a ten year gap between my two and although there are disadvantages, there are a lot of pros too and we're a happy family. The biggest issue came for us/me was two different dads/blended family but that's a different issue.

@Haveyouanyjam actually I've found the opposite- age gap has got easier over time (mine are 17 and 7 now).

Out of interest how did you find it got easier? Literally everyone I know with a big gap has struggled to find stuff to do which interests all the children meaning most of the time that family time is either the older kids missing out being left home alone or dragged along to unsuitable attractions or one parent with some of the kids and the other parent left with the remaining child.

Where do you need to buy a house? £30k is nothing in the south east but if you live somewhere with low cost housing, it could be a reasonable downpayment.
Is your husband expecting to leave his role and hence housing? What will his employment prospects be?

Do you work?

You realise you won't get child benefit for a third child?

Let's says your kids are 12 and 10 when this child is born - what does the summer holiday or a weekend day look like? Are they going to enjoy being limited by a baby and then a toddler's nap schedule or need to go to the playground/farm?

Would it end up being your husband taking the older kids out all the time and you doing other things with the baby? Do you want that set up and is your husband likely to step up and effectively parent the older kids while you are busy with baby/toddler?

Do you expect your older kids to help with the baby?

@Wooloohooloo fair enough, though I meant specifically with two older and one younger, as I said, if it was one older I’d say go for it. I think with two older it’s a lot in the teenage years as it is, as they’ll have different hobbies and may fall out a lot etc. as well as then having a younger child who still needs you a lot. I haven’t done that, so I don’t know, but I wouldn’t choose it. I think me and my sister as teenagers when my mum was menopausal nearly pushed her to the edge and we were financially well off and my dad was around and a good supportive partner, so if she’d had another child I think she would have lost it! Ha

Honestly no. Mine are 10, 8 and 3 and I’m really struggling with the age gap. It’s really hard. Basically constantly split one parent with older ones and one with younger ones. On holiday at the moment and it’s just hard work with the younger one - if we just had older two would be so much easier. Wish we had less of a gap. 3 is hard. And expensive.

Not true that you won't get child benefit for a third child.

She will get child benefit but no tax credits/universal for a third child as that was stopped apart form twins/rp in 2016.

Not sure how I’d plays housing wise since 2016.

Age gap is good because older two are old enough to be left at home instead of being dragged round to baby appointments and activities. Also they will be old enough to help out meaningfully.

Main reason against is climate change but you might think there will be safety in numbers...

Apologies - was wrong on child benefit! But sounds like you are on relatively low income so worth being informed that it that won't mean more UC or tax credits!

For many reasons, no, I wouldn't have a baby in this case. Maybe get a dog?

@Haveyouanyjam I know what you mean, I can only remember as the youngest child. My parents were also financially comfortable, had a decent house/car and my parents were a few years younger than OP when I was born (different generation).

@YourNameGoesHere I can only speak for my own kids but DS hasn't been on family days out for a few years now and does his own thing now. He does do the odd thing with us but has been socialising for years. DD also has a very hands on dad who looked after her if I needed to take him places etc. DS also babysits for me now (I pay him) and has always been a fairly helpful kid. There are downsides definitely but I think there is to every family dynamic.

I can’t think of anything worse then going back to the baby stage when you are free of it. I have two pre school age children and 8 and 10 (near enough the ages of my 2 nephews) feels like the holy grail of parenting right now.

Actually, I’ve just thought of something worse. Having a teen, a tween and a toddler 🙃

But, you are not me and if a third is what you want then the only people that stop you should be your existing DC. Not people on the internet!

I know quite a few people who have had a 'third' child and ended up with twins! 😱