This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

I was replying to the poster who said “I’ve always suspected that most grandparents join FB just do they can stick pix of their grandkids all over it.” My point being that of course they didn’t: grandparent-age people are of an age to have been amongst the first to sign up when it was launched 20 years ago.

Likewise, who do you think did the campaigning, first of all to abolish corporal punishment in schools and then make laws about smacking? I would agree that physical punishment has (thankfully) reduced down the generations but campaigning and law making takes a long time and tends to be started a generation before it reaches mass adoption. It is people now in their 60s and older who would have led these legal moves.

Even as many of their cohort were ill treating their children . As we see so sadly on this thread.

My MIL knew better than to say anything! And both she and my mum thought they could induce DC1 to accept a bottle at 4 months and it ended in defeat for them both! 😉

The really funny thing was, my SIL, MIL's only DD, had her baby after we'd had our three. We went to visit in the hospital, and SIL had a whole discussion with me about how breastfeeding was going (I didn't initiate it, I couldn't have cared less tbh!) but what she forgot was, the bottlefeeding chart was hanging off the end of her bed... 😂It wasn't something I ever had, or ever would have discussed with her.

I'm glad your mum got to be a granny, but sorry she didn't meet your kids. I missed my parents badly for advice and support when I was rearing my family, and they missed out on so much too! It is what it is though.

Never had any problems communicating with mum - she was like me, very direct!

So you can see how an overbearing mil may not be wanted them surely?

Yes, that was my point too.

I honestly wasn't bothered whether MIL came or not - she did, and was welcomed - but tbf she wasn't overbearing, and I felt she should be treated the same as my mum, as she was also the children's grandmother.

The problem is when a parent seeks to justify their poor parenting a dyou have here. Rather than saying to their child, I'm sorry my mistakes hurt you, that was never my intention, talk to me and let me try to make atonement and repair our relationship. The 'well noones perfect' strawman is a real issue

And yet you said your mum would be direct but mil knew not to say anything. Therefore not treated the same.

And if she HAD made your life a misery with child 1, you'd have happily had her there from day 1 to repeat that with child 2? Because only millennials and 'parents nowadays' ask visitors to wait a day or 2?

It's the title of a novel actually. Dorothy Koomson - it's a good read! Ignorance and unfounded prejudice is rife tonight.

I could have held a debate/discussion with my mother in a way I wouldn't have with my MIL.

And no, I didn't feel the same about her as a granny as I did my own mum, and I think it would be weird if I had, but I did my best to be fair.

You're like a dog with a bone!

Not my intention, I simply want you to see that this preconceived notion that women asking for a few days grace to adjust to a newborn and recover from surgery is typically not remotely based in a wish to exclude or be insular but is a reaction to their own parenting, to a difficult in law or to their own concerns regarding adjusting after a birth.

That other women seek to belittle that need and scoff as many have on this thread is really pretty horrible to me. Especially women who have given birth, who have experienced their own issues around expectations and feeding and in laws and family relationships but rather than think that's great that these women can ask for what they need to make this more pleasant, more doable, to help with their mental and physical health post partum, to help them navigate the intricacies of their families. They say 'tvh women nowadays excluding grandparents as of noone ever have birth before etc etc '

It's just a pretty gross representation of why women having babies just now typically can see the reactions of their mothers, grandmothers and in laws as something that needs managing

I enjoyed reading that. I'm approaching 40 and like many in my generation "the first in the family to go to university". My family culture is very different. Not the working women, funds for a nanny etc. I relate to your family story from a personal perspective though, I work in a very male dominated industry. I'd be fascinated to learn more about the lives of the women in your family. I wonder if they had to fight lots to achieve those things. Thanks for sharing

I have clearly stated all along that I understand that there may be difficulties in relationships that influence decisions but I do not understand it when relationships are good.

Don't think that's overly complex?

if you had any other surgery where you get chopped open, lose blood, stitched back up, get post-surgery pains, have to be dosed up on painkillers etc would you feel up to visitors? been quietly reading this discussion but i agree with @Cmonluv i had 2 emergency sections and felt like absolute death but still was made to feel like my priority should be people pleasing. it’s insane i agree

My point is relationships ARE complex, I love my mil and in many ways we get on great. Yet she caused so many problems. Andi wish I'd said everyone can eff off for a week after we get home unless they're my sister. My mil expected waited on. My sisters used manual handling training to help me out of my chair and helped me deal with mastitis. They've seen my boobs a thousand times so I could sit with them out and hang out with them. They helped me shower. They were there for me not to stake a claim on the baby. The fact is every woman making thos decisions it's because of these complexities. And sometimes it's to out off 1 set of grandparents but still 'be fair' by setting same boundaries for both. Why is THAT so difficult to see? Why do you assume these women in the vulnerable position of post partum are somehow malicious?

I did. Three times. Still wanted my mum and dad each time as soon as visiting opened. It was 'me pleasing', not "people pleasing". I wanted to see them. I wanted them to meet my baby.

What other surgery do you have where you're immediately expected to take on the care of a baby?!

You just jump straight to women being entitled spoiled brats, you give no thought to the complexities behind decisions. It's all entitlement and being spoilt and the poor old grandparents walking on eggshells.

So why shouldn't a woman who wants something different 'me please?' why is your choice right and hers entitled

My experience was very different to yours. Doesn't make mine any less valid.

Let's just leave it there. I fundamentally disagree with you and your posting style is very aggressive.

Talk about reading too much into things. The kids haven't said anything to the poster I was replying to. Don't even know how old they are. Nothing wrong with sending some comforting vibes to someone who may be being hard on themselves. We don't even know if they are really a poor parent, just that they have regrets. We all make mistakes, small ones, big ones (even you!). Yes, we can apologise for the mistakes but not for lack of perfection. No such thing.

That works in reverse to. You clearly don't see the complexities and issues on the GPs side and do tend to read things into other people's posts that aren't there.

I had my parents come and visit me in ICU when my life was still in danger after my last birth. They're part of my life, the good and the bad. Friends visited me too. It was lovely to know people cared and I didn't reject their care and love.

Any other woman can do whatever is right for them. Who cares? I just make choices for me.

My mother was, in the 1950s, an unaffectionate and unemotional woman and we grew up in that atmosphere. When I became a parent in the late 1970s I didn't expect her to be any different as a grandparent and I was right. Surely it is no surprise when people stay in character and don't suddenly transform into this loving and caring person towards our babies? Anyway, I think the op is getting a bit of stick for some unfortunate choices of words and I'm sorry she doesn't get the support she'd like from her family.

You've been very patient @Cmonluv.
Relationships are complex and posters projecting their personal experience onto other people's situations are unhelpful.

Yet your earlier posts belittle women for choosing differentky to you and call them entitled. Does this mean you'd support a woman in your life needing a few days to recover after birth without guests?