This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

Your point is??

I am on FB. I don't have gc. Go figure!

I also just would like to point out, to those alleging that the 'Boomer' (I fucking hate that term!!) generation were the people advocating physical punishment - this generation was probably one of the last to suffer it routinely. It was my generation who figured out there was a better way of raising children!!

Exactly.

This isn't the first time that people on Mumsnet have proposed abandoning elders who don't want to provide childcare. The elders did their job raising their own offspring; they don't owe additional labour in exchange for being treated with respect, dignity and care as they age!

The Entitleparents always seem to forget about the decades of work the grandparents already have put in.

I agree, 100 percent. That said, I think you would benefit from some therapy to explore your feelings about your parents and your upbringing. It sounds abusive and sometimes having your own children can resurface the trauma. This isn’t about selfish or disinterested parents. Yours were neglectful and abusive and they shouldn’t be around you or your children.

You know what? Some people told me I'm entitled on this thread but my stepfather, enabled by my own mother, best the crap out of me as a child. I had a massive breakdown last night when I tried to process whether or not I was being "entitled".

My parents don't give a fuck about being grandparents. Millennial get blamed for all sorts - Boomers dint get blamed for enough ime.

I’m sorry for what you went through, it sounds like you had a shit time. But please don’t speak for all “millennials” (I am one). My parents are boomers and they were great parents and even better grandparents.

Every generation has good parents and shit parents, including our own. Nothing to do with age or generation.

No, the day of reckoning has come. The older generations need to acknowledge the havoc that has been wrought. My stepfather beat me, my mother brought an alcoholic Uncle into our home.

It's about time the elder generations realise those os us Millenials who have suffered such abuse and are now reacting to it, have very good reasons for it

For goodness sake, I’m extremely sorry that you had a nasty, violent stepfather but blaming other people for HIS actions (and those of your awful, enabling mother) is lunacy. No other “boomers” did that to you so stop pretending they did or it will destroy your mental health and spread hate and generational alienation to your own children, if you have/will have any.

If you’re not already in counselling please seek out a therapist to help you process your childhood trauma rather than lashing out at strangers on the internet whom you want to hold equally responsible for your maltreatment at the hands of your stepfather and your mother. Your thought processes are not rational at present.

Jeezo, this thread is mad!

Can't access therapy. I masked for so long, the NHS won't accept me.

It probably depends on the grandparents. You can't generalise as it's clearly an issue in your family. I see so many grandparents heavily involved in caring for their grandchildren around us. Sadly, not for us as grandparents are too old /far away to help although they'd love to if circumstances were different.

Tht sounds wrong. You are clearly still very angry with your parent/stepparent and your thought processes are way off base. You need some help. Please revisit this problem with your GP and explain how angry you have become towards a whole generation, the vast majority of whom you’ve never met. Your anger seems to be eating you up and cannot be easy for anyone you live with either if you genuinely feel enraged to this degree.

When will anybody see me?

I'm trying os hard to not pass the trauma onto my daughter who is already SEN, and nobody cares to recognise my pain, but only call me angry.

What NHS help is there for anger which isn't gaslighting and victim blaming?

I was an abused child and people are telling me to suck it up.

The fact it took until I was 31 to crack up is frankly, a miracle.

It's about time the elder generations realise those os us Millenials who have suffered such abuse and are now reacting to it, have very good reasons for it

I am very sorry for your suffering but Boomers did not invent child abuse. People of all generations have very sadly suffered abuse as children at the hands of their elders.

I'm sorry. I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't make my family listen as to why I'm so sad and angry. I don't feel I can make my daughter's life any better either.

Does anybody know how I can refer myself to Dignitas? I don't want to be here anymore

Spudley, is there someone you can talk to right now in real life?

Please call The Samaritans right now SpudleyLass. They will listen to you and I hope you are able to find a path forward. Your daughter needs you and you need to process your trauma for her sake even if you don’t feel you can do it for yourself right now. Please take care and make that call.

@SpudleyLass message me if you can x

https://www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

@icelollybrolly YABU for having a goady thread title generalising about an entire generation when it's just your children's GPs.

And the reason so many posters picked up on the childcare issue is very likely because it was the first example you gave of something they could be doing.

Actually I did want to, I had my mil and bil the first day we got home both times and one of my sisters stayed over the first night back from hospital both times. My only stipulation at any point was not wanting mil camped out at the hospital while I was in labour because the pressure freaked me out

My younger sister when she had her first wanted it just them until day 3 at home so they had a couple fo nights to settle in.

Complicated responses in our case to our own mum being dead and sadly being the only person WE really wanted too.

But anyone I know who has insisted on a bit of the couple and new baby only time it's been for good and complicated reasons.

It's this idea that parents now are so self involved, so selfish and no effort made to see the side of the mum.

Also I think a lot of my parents and mils generation didn't breastfeed so maybe don't appreciate how hard establishing breastfeeding can be first time round, I was definitely unprepared for how hard it was first time.

Every family and culture is different. My parents left home for university etc and I never had a grandfather (both died before I was even born) and the two grandmothers were quite old (as my parents had children in their 30s as had my grandmother) and certainly not near by nor able to help (even for one evening actually!). I moved away from home for university too and like my parents never went back - same pattern and my parents were not going to be doing childcare and indeed my father worked full time to age 77. I have grandchildren and I work full time.

other families mothers don't work much or live right next door. Given I had a daily nanny for my own children whilst I work although I love seeing my grandchildren I am not doing childcare as I did not even do it for my own children! Like my father I will probably work full time until I die too. We have to go back to about 1929 in our family to find a non working grandmother who helped with children (as my great granny did living right near my granny whos husband died at work leaving her with a baby). My great granny had 10 children including a 10 year old at home when the first 3 grandchildren arrived so it was different set up from my mother's generation who left home for college etc.

Also just because you wanted to see someone straight after your c sections, can you not imagine someone reacting differently?

Out of interest how do your kids feel about that? Not the not providing childcare but the choosing to work so much rather than care for them as kids (and I'm a working mum, it's just something in your wording suggests you really didn't want to be looking after them rather than being torn in anyway) and if you've told them you'd rather work u til you die than spend time with grandchildren how do they feel about that? I'm assuming you have a very good career given these choices, I agree every family is different I'm just wondering whether your kids are in agreement with you?

My grandma cared about two things - bingo and going for a drink in the club. We were tolerated at best. My grandad died when I was very young as did my other set of grandparents. My mum and dad are far better grandparents to my children than their parents were to me.

Generalisations really don't work here.

Thank you all. The feeling has passed for now. I'm sorry for lashing out. I keep doing it to people when it's not them I'm.angry at, but myself.

I hope to be better one day.

I'm sorry
It's not a generation I'm mad at really.