Page 18 | This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

icelollybrolly · 2023-12-31T18:35:58+00:00

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

VanityDiesHard · 31/12/2023 23:18

Lesina · 31/12/2023 20:55

What work do you do, I’m 54 and see no real difference in my energy levels compared to my 20s. Still fully energetically active looking after the horses.

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I'm astonished at all these people who are exhausted in their mid fifties. We really do have an unhealthy populace, it sometimes seems. OP, I really feel for you, your parents sound utterly crap. It is especially rich that they seem to expect you to look after them in their old age, as well. If I were you I wouldn't be doing that. Let them make their own arrangements. Quid pro quo and all that.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 23:19

saraclara · 31/12/2023 23:16

if you live local and don’t / won’t do any of these kind of things below- your a shit grandparent.

....
Ring often and ask to speak to the kids on the phone- because you like them.
Visit them at home.
Think of them and think of little things you can give them or do with them to make them happy
Take them out to the beach or park ever so often....
Have them to sleepover.
Make time for them. If you’ve been really busy, swing in and take them with you to tescos or a dog walk or anything that you’de be doing anyway.

All those things depend on their mother being amenable to it. And some of them (phoning often and asking to speak to them, visiting them at home, swinging by, asking for sleepovers..) are things that regularly irritate mumsnetters (especially if the GP is their MIL)

Like I said earlier. It's walking on eggshells.

Edited

Omg, sounds great. Depressing ending though, 😆

verdantverdure · 31/12/2023 23:19

We've had to extend the term of our mortgage in order to cope with how much it has gone up under the Tories.

Our pensions have taken a hit from the Tory mini budget too so in 20 odd years if my children need grandparent childcare we'll both still be working.

doggiedude · 31/12/2023 23:20

Snuggleyou · 31/12/2023 22:26

Yes lots of lining up with sibling’s to receive the leather belt, lots of neglect and let’s not forget being choked with cigarettes everyday even if you already suffered with lung disease. This crap went on in so many houses how can it not be generational.

Every comment you have made has highlighted your dysfunctional upbringing! Go and get therapy,rather than insulting decent people.

Walmu · 31/12/2023 23:20

saraclara · 31/12/2023 23:16

if you live local and don’t / won’t do any of these kind of things below- your a shit grandparent.

....
Ring often and ask to speak to the kids on the phone- because you like them.
Visit them at home.
Think of them and think of little things you can give them or do with them to make them happy
Take them out to the beach or park ever so often....
Have them to sleepover.
Make time for them. If you’ve been really busy, swing in and take them with you to tescos or a dog walk or anything that you’de be doing anyway.

All those things depend on their mother being amenable to it. And some of them (phoning often and asking to speak to them, visiting them at home, swinging by, asking for sleepovers..) are things that regularly irritate mumsnetters (especially if the GP is their MIL)

Like I said earlier. It's walking on eggshells.

Edited

oh my god, this!!

2024betterBebetter · 31/12/2023 23:22

If your parents mainly got your grandparents to look after you when you were a child and now don’t help you out and are rubbish grandparents at least when they get old you won’t feel any obligation to run around after them.
Yes, grandparents can choose to opt out with their grandkids, but when they haven’t created bonds or memories with their Grandkids and have also left their own adult children feeling resentful, they can’t complain when no one cares about them either later on down the line.

Snuggleyou · 31/12/2023 23:22

To be fair I witnessed my elderly grandmother doing this to my 3yo nephew, shocking but I think she was the generation before boomers.

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 23:23

saraclara · 31/12/2023 23:16

if you live local and don’t / won’t do any of these kind of things below- your a shit grandparent.

....
Ring often and ask to speak to the kids on the phone- because you like them.
Visit them at home.
Think of them and think of little things you can give them or do with them to make them happy
Take them out to the beach or park ever so often....
Have them to sleepover.
Make time for them. If you’ve been really busy, swing in and take them with you to tescos or a dog walk or anything that you’de be doing anyway.

All those things depend on their mother being amenable to it. And some of them (phoning often and asking to speak to them, visiting them at home, swinging by, asking for sleepovers..) are things that regularly irritate mumsnetters (especially if the GP is their MIL)

Like I said earlier. It's walking on eggshells.

Edited

Yeah those things would drive me batty, it's a weird relationship shift everyone has to navigate and can take years to sort out and navigate. Everyone's preferences are different and every family communicates differently.

I really think everyone respecting everyone else's needs and limitations is important.

On our family I'm never going to want my mil here every day and dropping in when it suits her giving them 5 fruit shoots a day. I'm always going to want reliable paid childcare. I'll always be happy for any ad hoc help and always want them to have a relationship as much as everyone can manage. All of that based on her not overstepping with shouting/smacking which was my big worry as she was that kind fo parent.

As a grandparent she's overindulgent and spoils them mercilessly if anything. We've navigated a whole relationship where we genuinely have a lot of affection for each other. But it's taken time and had upsets. And our situation will look different to other people's too. But honestly the kids love her, I love her and she annoys the life out of me, I'm confident she loves me but I annoy the life out of her too. 🤷

mapleriver · 31/12/2023 23:24

I think my parents generation is alot more selfish than I remember my grandparents being but in turn it means they'll have less visitors in old age than a valued elderly parent/grandparent.

I used to stay with my grandparents most weekends and my grandad would take me to the allotment and let me loose with some pieces of wood and some nails and my nan would spend hours playing dominoes and playing with playdough, I still go and see my grandad twice a week and all of my siblings and their kids go once a week too because we love him so much. My parents on the other hand had very little interest in the grandkids or us once we had grown up unless it meant going out for a drink or a meal with us and now my mother has passed my dad has found himself very isolated as he ages and we give him pity visits which he always ruins with being offensive and entitled to his racist views or negging of us.

I think the new age attitude of acting like 60 is the new 30 is all well and good until people take it to the extreme and don't invest enough in relationships with their grown up children because they cant sacrifice the gym/drinking/meals/trips to help their kids out with grandkids or just spend some genuine quality time without talking about how much they love socialising and how limber they are despite their age and who said what. No people aren't entitled to help with their kids from their parents, but at the same time older people aren't entitled to help with technology/lifts places when they're too old to drive/sorting the shopping out but most of the time it will be expected once they get to that stage.

Call me ageist if you like while calling the younger generation of parents entitled

MamaDollyorJesus · 31/12/2023 23:25

My DDs were always at my mums & they had their own room there - my parents had their own business, mum didn't work, had a cleaner & was happy to have them while I worked part time for the family business.

Now I have DGS, the family business is no more due to my stepfather passing away & mum retiring so now I work full time & care for my disabled mother so I'm out of my own house between 8am and 8/9pm Monday to Friday & usually 9am to 1pm Saturday/Sunday. Around that I have to keep on top of my own housework & laundry, do a food shop, try to have some semblance of a life of my own & try to find time to relax.

I don't actually have time in the week or weekends to spend quality time with DGS & do things like take him swimming, I do take him overnight once a month - but I'm absolutely knackered when he goes home & feel like I've not had any down time at all so I certainly couldn't do it every week I'd be as well having another of my own

raspberrycardigan · 31/12/2023 23:27

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:56

No, my grandma worked full time as a uni lecturer which is a much more demanding job than the job my own parents are in. She still found time to take us all over the place, in fact she’s more of a grandparent to my own children too - she sees them much more regularly and even though she’s very old now she will often offer to come to soft play with us or mosey around a garden centre, and when I visit her she is amazing - has nappies and formula and snacks my toddler likes without me ever even asking for that to be provided, has a whole box full of toys and educational things and I genuinely credit her for a lot of my child’s learning because she’s excellent with them. But still it makes me sad that someone pushing 90 is doing more groundwork in my children’s life than my parents in their 50s.

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In their 50s.... So, we're talking Gen X grandparents? Great! Can we slag off a different generation than the Boomers for once?

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 23:29

MamaDollyorJesus · 31/12/2023 23:25

My DDs were always at my mums & they had their own room there - my parents had their own business, mum didn't work, had a cleaner & was happy to have them while I worked part time for the family business.

Now I have DGS, the family business is no more due to my stepfather passing away & mum retiring so now I work full time & care for my disabled mother so I'm out of my own house between 8am and 8/9pm Monday to Friday & usually 9am to 1pm Saturday/Sunday. Around that I have to keep on top of my own housework & laundry, do a food shop, try to have some semblance of a life of my own & try to find time to relax.

I don't actually have time in the week or weekends to spend quality time with DGS & do things like take him swimming, I do take him overnight once a month - but I'm absolutely knackered when he goes home & feel like I've not had any down time at all so I certainly couldn't do it every week I'd be as well having another of my own

This is a good pointy mil retired just after COVID and has loved being able to be with the kids more. And she only has our 2 so we're spoilt a bit.

VanityDiesHard · 31/12/2023 23:31

2024betterBebetter · 31/12/2023 23:22

If your parents mainly got your grandparents to look after you when you were a child and now don’t help you out and are rubbish grandparents at least when they get old you won’t feel any obligation to run around after them.
Yes, grandparents can choose to opt out with their grandkids, but when they haven’t created bonds or memories with their Grandkids and have also left their own adult children feeling resentful, they can’t complain when no one cares about them either later on down the line.

Exactly. The OP has said that her parents seem to expect that she will care for them in old age. Like hell I would be doing that if they can't be arsed to help out with the GC.

OpalOrchid · 31/12/2023 23:31

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 23:17

I honestly think you maybe need a cup of tea.

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Because 60 year old women need a cup of tea in between beating and biting their grandchildren.

Mumoftwosweetboys · 31/12/2023 23:34

Gosh I have the absolute opposite experience. I have two young boys (nearly 5 and nearly 2) and my parents and in laws can't get enough of them. We're very fortunate. All 4 grandparents are in their 60s and work. I don't think it's a generational thing. I just think some people are different.

Midwinter91 · 31/12/2023 23:34

I don’t think it’s a generational thing as I have friends whose parents and I laws provide 5 days a week free childcare for them.

My sons grandparents (3 living) have never been alone with him, all say they aren’t ‘up to’ babysitting. They see him every couple of months.

DP and I have not had one evening out together in 1.5 years since he was born!

saraclara · 31/12/2023 23:34

I think my parents generation is alot more selfish than I remember my grandparents being

You saw your grandparents through different eyes then your parents did though. My GM was a pretty good grandmother. But she was an awful mother. I've no doubt at all that, despite being happy to look after me, she made my mum's life difficult in many ways.

I don't think she was less selfish. But like most people both early on the 1900s, she didn't have the opportunities to have much of a life outside the home.

Midwinter91 · 31/12/2023 23:34

And we pay 1kpcm childcare yay

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 23:34

OpalOrchid · 31/12/2023 23:31

Because 60 year old women need a cup of tea in between beating and biting their grandchildren.

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🤣 listen,my mil is lovely, my mum Is dead but was lovely, both of them would have trotted out the bite the kid back line because it was a whole generational thing, my aunties still would too. Be offended if you like. I was only going down this vein in response to someone saying boomers weren't awful parents and it was a vicious thing to say by giving examples of why it gets said.

You don't need to be so upset do you? Assuming you're not biting babies yourself obviously.

Anyway I'm away to have a cup of tea because for the first time in 5 years I think both my children may sleep through the bells.

TheFairyCaravan · 31/12/2023 23:35

My parents were useless grandparents to my children. They were far too busy putting my sister’s children on a pedestal and showering them with weekends away, holidays, trips to the cinema, theatre, zoo, theme parks and cars on their 18th birthdays. My kids got nothing. Not even a packet of sweets and a trip to the park.

It makes me really sad because they’ve got no memories with their grandparents like I have because mine were hands on. My Nan used to come on holidays with us, look after us while my parents went on holiday or for meals out and they did that a lot. My gran was less present but we saw her often and she absolutely adored me until the day she died. Fortunately my PILs dote on all their grandchildren and great grandchildren.

We’re new grandparents, as of Boxing Day, I can’t imagine not wanting to spend time with my DGS. We’ve just spent the weekend with him and my heart was so heavy when we left. Unfortunately we live 3 hours from them, but I’d move tomorrow if DH was retired. I don’t want to miss a minute.

I want to take him to the park and the zoo. I’d love to take him on holiday if we’re allowed. We’re already booked for a weekend in November because DS2 and DIL booked some tickets for a concert before she conceived. Her mum is helping out when she goes back to work and we’ve said we’ll have him for a week or a few days in the holidays, or to give people a break, if they need us too.

For us, as a whole family, we’re of the mindset that it takes a village to raise a child and grandparents enrich a child’s life.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 23:35

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 23:11

What?

You mean you've never heard of 'bite the kid back' from women in their 60s or you have but don't like it being brought up?

Perfectly fine if you think km dim 🤷 your opinion of me is not something I'll lose sleep over.

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"You sound a bit dim" Good comeback!!

OpalOrchid · 31/12/2023 23:39

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 23:34

🤣 listen,my mil is lovely, my mum Is dead but was lovely, both of them would have trotted out the bite the kid back line because it was a whole generational thing, my aunties still would too. Be offended if you like. I was only going down this vein in response to someone saying boomers weren't awful parents and it was a vicious thing to say by giving examples of why it gets said.

You don't need to be so upset do you? Assuming you're not biting babies yourself obviously.

Anyway I'm away to have a cup of tea because for the first time in 5 years I think both my children may sleep through the bells.

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I do get offended when people trot out ageist shite about '60 year old women' Sorry, not sorry.

Fireandflames · 31/12/2023 23:40

The entitlement in this thread is so disgusting. Your parents didn’t have you so they could provide free childcare services for you when you have/had children. Grandchildren are lovely but grandparents are entitled to their own lives as well. Most have to work well in to ridiculous ages now and they don’t have time to look after children.

Snuggleyou · 31/12/2023 23:43

Yes because asking for a night out in your 20/30s is asking too much. Grandparents get to spend some quality time with Dg and makeup for using their eldest as a live in unpaid babysitter all through their teens.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 31/12/2023 23:45

My 2 dc (11 & 2) have never once been babysat by their grandparents.

This Xmas one set of GP's has only seen 1 of our DC, and for all of an hour and a half In a ridiculously unsuitable pub for lunch that had to meet the needs of their dog.

The pub had one "dog table" that they reserve but it isn't high chair friendly (it's a high table with bar stools so too low for a high chair) so the staff ended up shoving a little table on the end and DS and I sat to that while DH and GPs sat at the dog table - all because they can't possibly leave the dog at home.

I leave them to this way of grand parenting, no skin off my nose. However, I don't facilitate them making out they're GPs of the year - don't send them pics or updates about them any more for them to show off to their friends.