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Original poster

This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

875 replies

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

OP posts:
Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 22:19

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:17

I was raised by boomers, as were my peers. Beating kids was not the norm and would still get your children taken from you.

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Everyone I know was smacked, are you saying you not your friends were ever smacked?

Thedogscollar · 31/12/2023 22:19

saraclara · 31/12/2023 22:18

WTAF? I'm 67. Had my kids in my early 30s. And neither I nor any of my mum friends would lay a hand on our kids.

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Don't rise to it @saraclara you can't argue with stupid.

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:20

allmyliesaretrue · 31/12/2023 22:17

That's so sad. I'd have loved to have known my grandparents.

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It was my parents choice and I do feel sad about never knowing them. My last grandparent just died a few years ago.

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 22:21

Well, I'm a 60 year old woman who was never smacked. Had no one ever heard of Dr Spock?

WillowCraft · 31/12/2023 22:21

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 20:37

But why should it be life? Why should you be so intolerant of children acting in an age appropriate way?

My mil helps us out maybe once every couple of months by having both kids because at 2 and 5 they're a lot for her together so we don't ask her to have both unless she asks to have the.. She has our 5 yr old once a week after school, drives him to gymnastics and sometimes takes him for a McDonald's for dinner on the way home. He has suspect ADHD and some other health issues but she does her best. Our 2 yr old on her own is no bother at all. Just a very settled wee girl who is happy to potter round the shops with them or whatever so they take her out now and again on her own

That said, she constantly complained she didn't get to do regular childcare, her mum had her boys every day she worked when they were wee, why didn't we want her being our primary childcare. Then post COVID she had each of them a day a week while we worked due to lack of available nursery provision... Long story short I had to drop a day at work because it just wasn't feasible. She couldn't get here on time, couldn't deal with the day in her diary each week and the having them all day. She quickly realised we weren't keeping them from her, we just knew she was offering more than she realistically could do. Her mum looked after her kids, she'd less hands on childcare experience than most teenagers, when her kids didn't sleep her mum stayed the night and did the wake ups.

So now everyone ribs along nicely, she gets a few hours every week where she's mostly watching a gymnastics class and eating a McDonald's, our wee boy feels special on granny day, we have 1 day less after school care to pay for and if the toddler has a cold and can't go to nursery she'll come cuddle her on the couch for a day here and there. I think we've now got a perfect balance for us.

I do think a lot of her generation had their mum's doing a lot of childcare because they were the first generation to routinely work full time and therefore they didn't actually gain day to day childcare experience as parents.

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I don't think it's age inappropriate for a school aged child to be able to be quiet and not run wild in someone else's house. Why should a child's wish to behave exactly as they want take priority over a grandparent's wishes for a peaceful and ordered home?

This must be the first generation in human history to treat children as if they are completely selfish and incapable. I don't think it's doing them any favours either.

I mean it's obviously up to you how you treat your children but it was just a suggestion as to why grandparents aren't always enthusiastic about spending time with grandchildren.

My nieces are like this, so.loud and always crashing about, crying if one of them gets to go first, crying if they can't get their own way right now, unable to sit still for a short time, constantly interrupting every conversation, needing every little thing to be a negotiation, or being bribed or given huge thanks and encouragement for things like coming to the table when dinner's ready or participating in a family outing.

willWillSmithsmith · 31/12/2023 22:21

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 22:17

I'm a 40 yr old woman whose parents were boomers who DEFINITELY beat their kids, whose friends parents DEFINITELY beat their kids. Are you saying you never smacked?

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I’m a boomer. I didn’t smack my kids. I was smacked (not beaten) my parents were war kids.

Mumsgirls · 31/12/2023 22:21

Opposite here, as a gm I have done at least one day per week and often overnights and when needed a lot more. Also help with money. My parents did nothing with mine on a regular basis.

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:21

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 22:19

Everyone I know was smacked, are you saying you not your friends were ever smacked?

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Yes we were smacked. Not saying that's okay but it is not anything the same thing as a beating.

Jewnicorn · 31/12/2023 22:23

I have one set of wonderful grandparents to my children - we live in a different country but they travel over several times a year, FaceTime most days, are always asking for photos and updates etc and genuinely seem to love spending time with my children. Even though my older kids are from my first marriage they’ve never been treated any differently and I really hope they know just how much I adore them.
By constraint my mother’s reaction to my first pregnancy was ‘eugh, I hope you don’t think I’ll be babysitting’ and she’s remained fairly uninterested since. She likes them when they’re toddlers and they’re cute (so long as she’s not the one looking after them) and that’s the extent of it. My older kids’ grandad cut them off because of his hatred for me. I’ve not seen or heard anything of that side of the family since my divorce (and good riddance).
I don’t think it’s a generational thing as much as an individual person thing.

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:23

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 22:21

Well, I'm a 60 year old woman who was never smacked. Had no one ever heard of Dr Spock?

I do think it's less usual that someone in your age group wasn't smacked.

hiredandsqueak · 31/12/2023 22:24

@Cmonluv My oldest is 36 and I never raised my hand to him or his siblings. I wasn't hit either. I think it was more unusual when I was a child but it was pretty much common among my friends not to hit our children.

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 22:24

WillowCraft · 31/12/2023 22:21

I don't think it's age inappropriate for a school aged child to be able to be quiet and not run wild in someone else's house. Why should a child's wish to behave exactly as they want take priority over a grandparent's wishes for a peaceful and ordered home?

This must be the first generation in human history to treat children as if they are completely selfish and incapable. I don't think it's doing them any favours either.

I mean it's obviously up to you how you treat your children but it was just a suggestion as to why grandparents aren't always enthusiastic about spending time with grandchildren.

My nieces are like this, so.loud and always crashing about, crying if one of them gets to go first, crying if they can't get their own way right now, unable to sit still for a short time, constantly interrupting every conversation, needing every little thing to be a negotiation, or being bribed or given huge thanks and encouragement for things like coming to the table when dinner's ready or participating in a family outing.

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And out of interest how would you like them to be? Sat quietly in a row on the couch? And how would you handle them misbehaving, if it were up to you?

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 22:25

@hiredandsqueak

The breaking of the rules is what makes a brilliant grandparent. Kids don’t love strict grandparents, they like the rule breakers 😂 Took me a while to work that out and a battled with my mum a bit in the early days. I just gave up in the end, I can’t tell you the amount of batshit stuff my mum used to get up to with the kids but they’re all still alive.. just!
I’m singing my mums praises in here but if I’d have carried on interfering and controlling she may have not been so involved. I hope I don’t get controlling daughter in laws. I’m looking forward to having a pocket full of sweets at all times like my mother.

Passingthethyme · 31/12/2023 22:26

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:23

I do think it's less usual that someone in your age group wasn't smacked.

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Husband is 57, also never been smacked. Same with my sister who is 53 (I was though, obviously worse behaved!)

Snuggleyou · 31/12/2023 22:26

Yes lots of lining up with sibling’s to receive the leather belt, lots of neglect and let’s not forget being choked with cigarettes everyday even if you already suffered with lung disease. This crap went on in so many houses how can it not be generational.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 22:27

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 22:17

I'm a 40 yr old woman whose parents were boomers who DEFINITELY beat their kids, whose friends parents DEFINITELY beat their kids. Are you saying you never smacked?

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I'm sorry, I don't know where your from, but I'm 50 next year. My parents and all my childhood friends parents, most certainly did not raise their hands to us....We were all wee schemey kids to boot. I think you were just unfortunate 😕

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:27

Passingthethyme · 31/12/2023 22:26

Husband is 57, also never been smacked. Same with my sister who is 53 (I was though, obviously worse behaved!)

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I'm 50. I don't think I know anyone in my childhood who wasn't smacked. I guess it's possible and I just wasn't aware, but school teachers and friends parents felt free to do it.

RedToothBrush · 31/12/2023 22:29

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 22:15

Aww, this makes me sad! I do expect my family to care! And they should!!😒

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DH's parents just can't be arsed but then whinge about how they don't know DS.

BIL is the golden child. When talking about DS when he was really small she'd always refer to BIL never ever DH. It's super weird. MIL has said previously to DH that if she had to save one son, she'd save his brother.

So I don't waste too much sleep over it. Life's too short to worry about someone who doesn't really care.

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 31/12/2023 22:29

If you reckon it's generational, is there any chance your parents didn't really want kids, but felt socially pressured to? DH's parents have admitted as much (which is really not something your adult kids need to hear btw) and if they had been of our generation, they would never have had kids. They like the idea of grandchildren but don't really interact with them.

It's all a bit sad, but I know they struggled raising kids and DH is a fantastic, loving father. We don't need much more than that.

Imuptoolate · 31/12/2023 22:30

YANBU to be upset at their lack of involvement, but YABU to say it’s a generational thing. In my circle of friends I have found the opposite to be true. Pretty much all of my friends who have children have got very hands on grandparents for their children. GPs who will have the kids regularly for overnight stays, provide childcare when my friends are working, pick up from school/nursery etc, help out when there’s illness, a new baby or anything like that. As a teacher I also see a lot of children regularly dropped off and collected by GPs. So I don’t think it’s a generational thing, just down to personality and circumstances of the individuals.

FWIW my own GPs (so a different generation) showed absolutely no interest in any of their grandchildren… ever. They never babysat us, took us for days out or even had us round their house for a few hours. We barely knew them and they only lived down the road.

Walmu · 31/12/2023 22:30

On the other hand, another thread is ongoing where a woman will not take in her DM & MIL when they’re aged.

It’s a shame, so much selfishness.

RedToothBrush · 31/12/2023 22:32

Walmu · 31/12/2023 22:30

On the other hand, another thread is ongoing where a woman will not take in her DM & MIL when they’re aged.

It’s a shame, so much selfishness.

I wouldn't either. Not because I'm selfish. But because I know that would involve one party ending up murdered. It just wouldn't work.

3smallpups · 31/12/2023 22:34

I'm a Gp and would love to be more hands on with my gs. Sadly they live two hours away, if they were nearer I would happily provide free child care to help with nursery fees and unlimited babysitting.
I have never even mentioned being a GP on Facebook or shared a picture as it's not my baby to put on display for the world .

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 22:35

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 22:27

I'm sorry, I don't know where your from, but I'm 50 next year. My parents and all my childhood friends parents, most certainly did not raise their hands to us....We were all wee schemey kids to boot. I think you were just unfortunate 😕

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I'm just clarifying you're saying you never had smacked legs or back of hands? They didn't bite kids back if they bit them? Noone ever got a clip round the ear?

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 22:35

RedToothBrush · 31/12/2023 22:29

DH's parents just can't be arsed but then whinge about how they don't know DS.

BIL is the golden child. When talking about DS when he was really small she'd always refer to BIL never ever DH. It's super weird. MIL has said previously to DH that if she had to save one son, she'd save his brother.

So I don't waste too much sleep over it. Life's too short to worry about someone who doesn't really care.

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Again, ....what the fuck is wrong with people!!