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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is brother being Groomzilla?

98 replies

Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:35

Tricky family relationship. They live a plane ride away, within UK. Often tense when visiting, but continue to, more to see my wonderful aunts and cousins.
Brother is 8 years younger than me. Absolutely the golden child.
He is getting married in the summer but pre school holidays in our part of UK
It's a long time coming and he is excited, but oh my god, he is being over the top.

My dcs both in wedding party. DD14 hates the dress it is way too old for her and a horrible fit, colour, quality. By 5heir own admission it needs a.lot of adjustment before being fitted, but DD is smiling through it

DS12 is a groomsman. We have to give measurements and his suit will be hired at destination. Brother has asked son to have a particular, fairly intense, haircut, dS has declined, Brother kept pushing, so I stepped in. DS has Autism/ADHD and we already struggle. I have put my foot down, you don't get to dictate a haircut.

I messaged tonight with our proposed flights. Out at 11am on Friday back at 5pm Sunday. Apparently we are cutting it fine for Saturday wedding. I queried whether he'd read the day
correctly. To be told that suit fittings are Wednesday and us coming on Friday doesn't give enough time for suit fittings or haircuts (plural!!! DD14 as well).

i stood firm. They're having 1 day off school and we are taking a day's leave, spending £££ on flights, airport parking, hire car, potentially hotel (had hoped to stay with parents, although hateful doing so, but turns out uncle gets priority apparently). They are asking for money for honeymoon, with a suggested donation of £200 🙄

I know he is being unreasonable about lots of things, but AIBU not to fly until Friday mid day?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 31/12/2023 00:38

He's being ridiculous. He shouldn't be expecting anyone to be there before the Friday evening and it's ludicrous he expects to be able to dictate a haircut.

Hold firm, YANBU in the least.

alibongo5 · 31/12/2023 00:41

Who on earth would vote you were being unreasonable?

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:44

Well, my mother for a start.
Apparently it's a big deal and they arrived a week before my wedding. They did not. They arrived 2 days before in the afternoon and lay around waiting to be waited on, and fed. I pointed out the first bit.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 31/12/2023 00:46

Yes, he is being a massive groomzilla. My teeth would be gritted so tight my ears would be trembling. If he's usually decent and considerate, I would put up with it until after the wedding, while quietly asserting myself on the bits that really aren't negotiable. I would expect an apology later when he'd come to his senses. If this behaviour is typical of him, then I might tell him to shove his poncy wedding up his arse and not to contact me again until he'd learned some manners.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/12/2023 00:46

I'd pull your DC out of the wedding party and all just go as guests

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:47

I have considered this, but I really like his fiance and DC currently still want to be in the wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:49

Thank you. Yes he is always an entitled prick. So are my parents. I am very much the black sheep/scapegoat, but growing up I spent a LOT of time with my paternal grandparents and aunts who are mercifully normal and lovely

OP posts:
Allfortheloveofabiscuit · 31/12/2023 00:54

Why are they talking about haircuts? Id be telling them I wouldnt be going at all if they think theyre cutting anyones hair. Its also very usual to go into a local wedding suit shop and get them to measure your ds for a suit and write them down so you can send them to another wedding suit shop so they can choose a suit according to that. Its not 100% but it worked for my fil

Edited for spelling mistake!

getfreddynow · 31/12/2023 00:56

If kids are in wedding party and couple are providing the outfits there prob does need to be a fitting in advance, eg 2 weekends before. If I was your brother , I’d be flying you up and not expecting you to pay.

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:57

He absolutely wouldn't do that. In any case the suits aren't available until the Wednesday. This was similar to ours

OP posts:
Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:58

That actually is the plan with the suit, which is why I'm a bit confused by his issue.

OP posts:
SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 31/12/2023 00:59

He is being ridiculous.
No to haircuts. No to coming up any earlier. If he had any sense a suit could be hired from a national chain for ease of fitting.

LaughingCat · 31/12/2023 01:01

What’s the worst that can happen if you continue maintaining your (very reasonable) boundaries? Your parents and brother may be a little put out for a while. Doesn’t sound like that would be a terribly bad outcome for you all, tbh! You’re already the black sheep for being lovely and, erm, normal. Go on Friday, enjoy the weekend, roll your eyes with your aunts over the bubbly and I promise you’ll all be singing Mr Brightside at the top of your lungs by the end of the night. I swear, weddings turn nice people into nightmares and nightmares into Zilla’s!

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 01:03

You're absolutely right! Thank you
God, I just revert to a teenager around them and they gang up. I'm a 43 year old woman who moved away in 1998 FFS!

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 31/12/2023 01:09

Personally, I would make sure to arrive by Friday lunch. Is the weather likely to affect flight? If so, I would fly in on Thursday and have that extra day to settle.
It's best that you are staying on your own. You have a calm base and can just retreat, holiday out and party and then come home.

Charlie2121 · 31/12/2023 01:12

I honestly wouldn’t bother going. It sounds awful. Weddings usually are.

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 01:13

Well, it's July, so weather issues seem fairly unlikely. We will land at noon, be in home town by 1.30pm. I thought that was pretty ok. Earlier flight that day would require us getting up at 3.30am at the latest. Night before flight would get us to home town after midnight and would require shooting off straight after school and having dog at boarding for an extra night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 01:14

I know. Not a fan. But culturally that would be totally unacceptable. In a land where attending funerals is a full time occupation not going to a sibling's wedding would be the absolute end.

OP posts:
StockpotSoup · 31/12/2023 01:22

He needs a bite of a reality sandwich. Most people have to be careful with their annual leave. Dictating haircuts is also ridiculous.

Spacerader · 31/12/2023 01:38

I'm torn, I think he is being unreasoble regarding haircuts, and suggested gift amounts.

But, from my experience when you accept to be in the wedding part you usually accept that it usually comes with some cost and takes uo some of your time. That's why if you can't commit to those you politely decline. So yes I would aspect to be a available for suit fittings, and the afternoon/evening before the wedding is cutting it very short, especially as there will be so much else going on the day before.

If it was me I'd make an effort to travel up sooner, and if you can't consider not having the children in the wedding party.

vincettenoir · 31/12/2023 01:39

They seem to have made a massive assumption that you guys would arrive on the Wednesday, especially if they had not communicated this. They will just have to work within the new parameters and I'm sure it will be fine.

Btw I think it's mad that they were planning to cut your kids' hair. How unnecessary!

Glockwein · 31/12/2023 01:39

One day off school is plenty. YANBU. Their wedding does not trump your children's education or your obligation to send them to school.

Keep your responses calm and low energy, and hopefully they will move past it to flap about something else.

Hotel will probably work better than staying with your parents anyway. AirBnB is our preference with autistic DS. GP house with everything out of whack for the wedding could be hell.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2023 01:41

Yanbu
You have school aged dcs with a 14 yo, who is working towards GCSES, jobs and all manner of costs to consider.

FirstFallopians · 31/12/2023 01:57

Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 01:14

I know. Not a fan. But culturally that would be totally unacceptable. In a land where attending funerals is a full time occupation not going to a sibling's wedding would be the absolute end.

Tell me your family are Northern Irish without saying they’re Northern Irish?

Ponderingwindow · 31/12/2023 06:11

I honestly would take the late Thursday flight. There is just so much that can go wrong and a small delay could cause huge problems. I’ve just had so many significant flight delays over my lifetime that I wouldn’t risk it. Honestly, for a siblings wedding on Saturday, even a Thursday night flight would make me nervous as I have had multi-day delays in the middle of summer. All you need is a flight crew that goes over their allotted hours because of a delay and you can be grounded for days while they slowly work a full flight worth of passengers into open spaces or schedule a new flight.

if you need to do clothing fittings you are cutting it very close. The haircut thing is ridiculous. Everyone will arrive presentable.