Or is brother being Groomzilla?

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

Tricky family relationship. They live a plane ride away, within UK. Often tense when visiting, but continue to, more to see my wonderful aunts and cousins.
Brother is 8 years younger than me. Absolutely the golden child.
He is getting married in the summer but pre school holidays in our part of UK
It's a long time coming and he is excited, but oh my god, he is being over the top.

My dcs both in wedding party. DD14 hates the dress it is way too old for her and a horrible fit, colour, quality. By 5heir own admission it needs a.lot of adjustment before being fitted, but DD is smiling through it

DS12 is a groomsman. We have to give measurements and his suit will be hired at destination. Brother has asked son to have a particular, fairly intense, haircut, dS has declined, Brother kept pushing, so I stepped in. DS has Autism/ADHD and we already struggle. I have put my foot down, you don't get to dictate a haircut.

I messaged tonight with our proposed flights. Out at 11am on Friday back at 5pm Sunday. Apparently we are cutting it fine for Saturday wedding. I queried whether he'd read the day
correctly. To be told that suit fittings are Wednesday and us coming on Friday doesn't give enough time for suit fittings or haircuts (plural!!! DD14 as well).

i stood firm. They're having 1 day off school and we are taking a day's leave, spending £££ on flights, airport parking, hire car, potentially hotel (had hoped to stay with parents, although hateful doing so, but turns out uncle gets priority apparently). They are asking for money for honeymoon, with a suggested donation of £200 🙄

I know he is being unreasonable about lots of things, but AIBU not to fly until Friday mid day?

You are right and I ought to know this, after many years.

🤣

Sounds like a 90s movie...

A haircut, a wedding and a funeral

It's just as well your children won't be there in time for haircuts, your DS would find his uncle's choice imposed on him and the chances are something unsuitable would be sprung on your DD.

I mean, it would be a 9 hour drive each way just to the ferry, then the ferry and another drive at the other end, so not much of a time saver, no.

Would you do that even though it means paying for an extra two nights in a hotel, to say nothing of the fines for missing school?

I don’t think I’d let your DD see the hairdresser alone, who I presume will be styling her hair, just in case they insist on it being cut as well.

What is it about Northern Irish grooms? We had a similar issue when DSIL got married - her fiancé was insisting that DH (who was giving her away) do a 600 mile round trip beforehand so as to be fitted for his suit at one particular hire shop. DH just said it wasn't going to happen and he would go a local Moss Bros.

I have to say the marriage didn't last, but I don't think DH's non co-operation had anything to do with it.

Not used to being told no

I’d have flown out earlier. Towards the end of Summer Term, doubt there will be much that’s critical being missed on those 2 or 3 days.

I would say the day before is cutting it very tight if a suit needs to be fitted (ignore the haircut bit but I suspect that they have budgeted for your DD's hair to be done on the day). I get the school issue but in reality you knew this when you accepted the invitation for them to be in the wedding party. My long distance fly in guests for my wedding are all arriving wed or Thursday for Saturday (it's where I live btw, they just don't live close) downside is I need to entertain them

@Putyourdamnshoeson why dont you hire your sons suit where you live and bring it back when wedding is over? we have had to do that often and take the outfits on internal flights/ you just need your bro to send a pic of what suit to hire and most suit hire firms have them all.

I explained, prior to accepting, that we wouldn't be taking much time out of school.

I have suggested this. My offer was rejected

The haircut thing is ridiculous.

But as you have accepted positions in the wedding party, I think you need to make some effort to ensure the outfits are fitted, be it weeks beforehand or on the Wednesday (which sounds very late to me)!

I also think you counting up the cost of flights and parking is tedious. We all incur costs attending family events, it is part of life surely, your resentment is not pleasant, do you actually not want to attend your brothers wedding?

It is 3 1/2 weeks before end of term and during school (not external) exam season. I don't know what school is like where you are, but here, in secondary, they work up to the wire, as well as having summer concerts (DD will be performing) and the like. As it is, DD is freaking out slightly about missing the Friday.

No way would I take children out of school for several days to get fitted for a wedding outfit - prioritising style over education , and adding significantly to the expense

I would be blunt / if it can't be made to work the children will resign from the offerrered roles

I know you say that you fly regularly without issue, but every flight I've taken in the last 18 months has been rescheduled, cancelled, or delayed. So in your position I'd choose an earlier flight, to be honest. And I can understand BIL (who is being unreasonable in every other way) feeling a bit twitchy about wedding party members not arriving until early/mid afternoon at the earliest, the day before.

Btw op I can trump all of the requests many times over, not personally about my forthcoming wedding, that's low key, but I organise them professionally for my work - the crazy bridezilla requests drive me mad, and being a church we really do have more important things that moving furniture for perfect pictures, couples bringing in a better sound system (what's wrong with the 140 year old fully restored 3 manual organ??? If you want pop songs book a hotel!). They drive me nuts

I also think you counting up the cost of flights and parking is tedious. We all incur costs attending family events, it is part of life surely, your resentment is not pleasant, do you actually not want to attend your brothers wedding?

I’m sure we’d all love to dismiss such costs as merely “tedious”, but most people don’t have an unlimited pot of money. These costs may indeed be part and parcel of such an event, but that doesn’t mean they don’t require budgeting and sometimes significant cutbacks elsewhere.

Yes. As it stands, it will cost us £900 before taking fuel, feeding ourselves, wedding gift, outfits for DH and me into account. Moving it forward ups the price £200 a day approximately.
I'd love to not worry about that, but that's a luxury that is beyond me I'm afraid.

Sorry, I know I'm in the minority, but the timing does seem tight to me for a sibling's wedding.

You are absolutely right to stand firm on the no haircuts. That is groomzilla!

Re the gift - that varies depending on where you are. I'm not sure about NI or even if you're from there, but I'm in Ireland and wedding gifts are typically of higher value than is usual in Great Britain ( judging only from reading MN you understand).

So, taking a slightly different tack, haircuts for your DCs.

Would Groomzillo understand that your DCs co-operation may be negotiated? Maybe a new bike/playstation/annual pass to riding lessons etc.

As @Putyourdamnshoeson.has mentioned her DS has sensory considerations, might he be at the stage where he may be persuaded that this matter may be to his own benefit? Not for Groomzillo, but for him. Likewise your DD & it’s important that she is not done up beyond her age, experience & comfort zone.

Also there is a cost to both DCs that they will be going to school soon after with ‘forin’ haircuts. Groomzillo has to work this into any negotiations 😉

I wouldn't be comfortable encouraging them to go outside what they are happy for their bodies for payment. Also, I think your understanding of the finances here is skewed.

The haircuts aren't in question. They are not happening, because requiring hair to be altered beyond an up do or gel is batshit.

Do you think the timing is right generally, even if we didn't have to pick up a suit?

The timing is fine, because the whole world doesn't stop turning when someone else chooses to get married. Your brother chose to include people in his wedding party who don't live locally and have school. I'll bet you any money he wouldn't do this if he has kids.