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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is brother being Groomzilla?

98 replies

Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:35

Tricky family relationship. They live a plane ride away, within UK. Often tense when visiting, but continue to, more to see my wonderful aunts and cousins.
Brother is 8 years younger than me. Absolutely the golden child.
He is getting married in the summer but pre school holidays in our part of UK
It's a long time coming and he is excited, but oh my god, he is being over the top.

My dcs both in wedding party. DD14 hates the dress it is way too old for her and a horrible fit, colour, quality. By 5heir own admission it needs a.lot of adjustment before being fitted, but DD is smiling through it

DS12 is a groomsman. We have to give measurements and his suit will be hired at destination. Brother has asked son to have a particular, fairly intense, haircut, dS has declined, Brother kept pushing, so I stepped in. DS has Autism/ADHD and we already struggle. I have put my foot down, you don't get to dictate a haircut.

I messaged tonight with our proposed flights. Out at 11am on Friday back at 5pm Sunday. Apparently we are cutting it fine for Saturday wedding. I queried whether he'd read the day
correctly. To be told that suit fittings are Wednesday and us coming on Friday doesn't give enough time for suit fittings or haircuts (plural!!! DD14 as well).

i stood firm. They're having 1 day off school and we are taking a day's leave, spending £££ on flights, airport parking, hire car, potentially hotel (had hoped to stay with parents, although hateful doing so, but turns out uncle gets priority apparently). They are asking for money for honeymoon, with a suggested donation of £200 🙄

I know he is being unreasonable about lots of things, but AIBU not to fly until Friday mid day?

OP posts:
Itsallfunngamesuntil · 31/12/2023 06:45

Hi OP
Is the wedding near Northern ireland?
I honestly think it is cutting it a bit fine in case there are delays.i do not understand why your mother did not prioritise you over your uncle staying. Ridiculous.

If it is in NI is getting ferry n taking own car a better option?

Good on you for standing firm over haircuts.

Good luck x

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2023 06:47

Tell me your family are Northern Irish without saying they’re Northern Irish?

Grin. I was imaging a lovely Scottish wedding until the funerals comment. Yup NI wedding it is.

If someone tried to cut my ND teenager's hair for a wedding... there would be a funeral following that!

Beargrumps22 · 31/12/2023 06:52

I would be telling him where to stick his wedding to save my poor kids from all this hassle and humiliation don't sound like it will be much fun esp if your parents cannot even accommodate you; use the money you would waste on this poncy do flights etc to take your family somewhere nice for the weekend instead

Vistada · 31/12/2023 06:54

sprigatito · 31/12/2023 00:46

Yes, he is being a massive groomzilla. My teeth would be gritted so tight my ears would be trembling. If he's usually decent and considerate, I would put up with it until after the wedding, while quietly asserting myself on the bits that really aren't negotiable. I would expect an apology later when he'd come to his senses. If this behaviour is typical of him, then I might tell him to shove his poncy wedding up his arse and not to contact me again until he'd learned some manners.

Poncey? Nice. Not coded at all.

Fwiw op - I'd draw the line at haircuts, fuck that for a laugh. However, you could probably stand to get there slightly earlier, so much can go wrong with flights.

And lose the chip on your shoulder

Vistada · 31/12/2023 06:55

Beargrumps22 · 31/12/2023 06:52

I would be telling him where to stick his wedding to save my poor kids from all this hassle and humiliation don't sound like it will be much fun esp if your parents cannot even accommodate you; use the money you would waste on this poncy do flights etc to take your family somewhere nice for the weekend instead

Another poncey.

Lovely.

I love it when masks slip.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/12/2023 07:03

What's wrong with calling a wedding poncey? Doesn't it just mean fancy/pseudo posh? Or am I missing something?

Vistada · 31/12/2023 07:06

It's a loaded word.

And I'm ready to be gaslit to fuck over this but, it is.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/12/2023 07:10

Sorry, don't want to derail the thread, but I'm not clear how it's "loaded". I've just checked the dictionary in case it's got another meaning but it just says "Pretentious or affected eg a poncy wine bar" .

I'm really not understanding your point

BillionaireTea · 31/12/2023 07:15

@vistada are you connecting the "effeminate/paedo" meaning of poncy with the "pretentious/overly elaborate" meaning?

They are both from the same homophobic root, probably, but I don't think someone using it to mean "pretentious" necessarily thinks it is a loaded meaning, or knows it's connected- and arguably it isn't.

Vistada · 31/12/2023 07:18

BillionaireTea · 31/12/2023 07:15

@vistada are you connecting the "effeminate/paedo" meaning of poncy with the "pretentious/overly elaborate" meaning?

They are both from the same homophobic root, probably, but I don't think someone using it to mean "pretentious" necessarily thinks it is a loaded meaning, or knows it's connected- and arguably it isn't.

Correct. Thank you @BillionaireTea :)

Out of the hundreds of bridezilla threads on here I've never seen the word used to describe once, even though its essentially the same issue. Funny that.

But as per PP I don't want to keep a derail going so that's all I'll say

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/12/2023 07:18

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/12/2023 07:03

What's wrong with calling a wedding poncey? Doesn't it just mean fancy/pseudo posh? Or am I missing something?

I have always thought of poncy as a negative word. Meaning pretencious rather than posh.

ColleenDonaghy · 31/12/2023 07:41

When is your DD getting her dress fitted? I hope that's happening where you live and not on the Friday afternoon?!

I do think you're cutting it a bit tight to get the suit, I'd travel earlier for that reason - wouldn't be unheard of to have a five hour delay in the summer and at that point the suit shop will presumably be closed.

Obviously stand very very firm on the haircuts. I'd be standing firm on an overly grown-up dress for a 14yo who isn't comfortable in it too tbh, but sounds like that ship has sailed.

Rude of them to mention a monetary amount for the gift, but south of the border £200 from a sibling coming with a family of 4 would be seen as very stingy. I know NI weddings gifts tend to be a little less but I didn't think they were much less? Just wondering if that was actually a clumsy attempt to reassure you they don't expect a gift of the usual magnitude given you're having to pay for flights and hotels.

UniversalAunt · 31/12/2023 07:43

The notion of a 12yo boy agreeing to a haircut that his far flung ancient uncle thinks is cool…

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 07:59

🤣😉

OP posts:
Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 08:12

Really unclear about the hoo ha over the word poncy. Why would there be homophobic undertones? It's a hetero wedding.
£200 is a huge wedding gift
I fly regularly, never been delayed more than an hour or two. Suit shop might well be shut, but as previously mentioned, it'll be a national chain, there are other options.
We are having Dad's dress fitted here.
School does take precedence. He spoke to me before asking the children if they would be in the party, which was prior to booking a date/venue. I explained the issue. 2 weeks later and it's summer holidays, so if that was going to be a problem, there were options. To be clear, I don't think that the wedding revolves around us, just that the date it is on is not significant to them and school had been flagged as an issue

OP posts:
VampireWeekday · 31/12/2023 08:12

I too was imagining you hiking up from London to the Scottish Highlands until the funeral comment, definitely NI!

He is wrong about the haircuts but I probably would aim for the Thursday flight, I've experienced too many delays over the years to trust it for a sibling's wedding.

springtome · 31/12/2023 08:13

Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 00:57

He absolutely wouldn't do that. In any case the suits aren't available until the Wednesday. This was similar to ours

Are they getting the suits from a chain shop? Is it not an option to go to a closer shop before to get him fitted?

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 08:19

We are going to get him measured at a chain. The suits are being collected on Wednesday and taken home. The idea is they can be tried on and if wrong, they could go back in. Not that they would be tailored.

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 31/12/2023 08:26

Could you not pick up the suit from your local branch? That would reduce a lot of the stress.

Booking a summer wedding isn't that easy, weekends can book up a couple of years in advance at popular venues. Working around DN's term dates on top of availability and their own commitments may not have been possible. Totally reasonable of you to minimise the days off school though of course.

If you can get the suit at your end then I think your travel plans are fine as you'll have 24 hours to play with before the wedding and won't actually need to accomplish anything once there.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2023 08:30

If you can’t pick the suit up locally, the other option would be to hire it earlier and special deliver to you? Not ideal. But cheaper for you than extra hotel nights and loss of income. Then if something doesn’t fit, you will be able to ascertain what needs changing and you can pick up Friday.

Ohnoooooooo · 31/12/2023 08:45

If it was me I would prob fly the Thursday night to make sure you got there in time incase flight is cancelled / chance to get new hire suit if it’s not fitting well.

Savedpassword · 31/12/2023 08:52

I’ll add to the Northern Ireland bingo by adding in rural/farming family? Where the possession of a penis elevates you to demi god status at birth?

YANBU OP. Your plans are absolutely fine. He needs to chill.

RowanMayfair · 31/12/2023 08:53

BTW I think you may be clicking 'reply' to respond to individual posters but you need to click the 3 dots and 'quote' otherwise it doesn't show who you're replying to. A mumsnet 'feature' that they refuse to change 🙄

Original poster
Putyourdamnshoeson · 31/12/2023 08:54

Ha, no actually to location.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 31/12/2023 08:54

It sounds awful. Weddings usually are.

I don't know what kind of weddings you have been invited to but that isn't my experience.

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