To wonder how one avoids becoming a toxic MIL

[FrenchToastLover]

Both on and offline I'm frequently hearing of all these horrendous mil/dil relationships, the majority of the time putting the mil in a bad light. I know that when you're only getting one half of the story it's easy to judge when you may not have all the facts but even so, why are so many of them so shitty?

I have 2 boys myself so it's likely I will have a dil in the future and obviously right now I think I will do my best to be a good mil but surely they all think this? I guess I'm just wondering why in so many cases it seems impossible for both parties to just get along?

I can guarantee if you go to your son and say that your think his wife is wrong about something it will not go well. What sort of thing are you thinking you could know better than the mother of the child? For start you are assuming that the wife is wrong rather than that your son and his wife have made a joint decision. And if it's something really major then give your son some credit, he is probably already aware it's not ideal for his wife to be co sleeping while drunk or not using a car seat. I'm struggling to think of things that would be solely a daughter in law's decision, that your son wouldn't be aware of, and that would actually matter and that are anyone's business outside their immediate family unit....

Can't work out if this is sarcastic..the first two seem to be, but the others seem like good advice! Especially being flexible around the needs of young children, not offering unwanted advice and arranging visits in advance.

@MsCactus You're right.

My dgm threw out her 16yo dd because she was pregnant and never spoke to her or of her again. My df then fell out with his sister and did the same - for 42 years.

By the time he died, he wasn't speaking to three of his own dds either and, I only found out that I had another aunt and two more cousins at his funeral. It has nothing to do with older or younger generations. Some families are just nasty to each other.

My approach will be happy & welcoming but from a distance. Much easier to manage that way I think and less easy to offend or be offended.

At least I am still on good terms with all my siblings, ds, nephews and nieces.

Good things about my MIL:

• she always has my back when FIL is rude to me
• she is enthusiastic as a gran
• she is generous

Bad things:

• her ideal living scenario would be her sons and families all in one house, her best friends all on the street, and no one else's family would ever exist (completely shut out FIL family)
• she puts on a voice and pretends to be my son talking to me, usually to say "I want to stay with Nana" when he could not more obviously want me
• her words don't match her actions - they will say they want to fit in with us , but basically do things their own way
• she sidelines her own mum, who I really like, in favour of her friends, who I don't

-:she's pretty smothering - her enthusiasm is quite overwhelming, especially when she endlessly mentions taking my son away.

The good blends with the bad. So she'll be enthusiastic enough to say she is getting season tickets to four or five local attractions to take him regularly whilst I'm on mat leave (all a bit batshit for a small baby, like a safari park). But won't want to commit to a regular local, appropriate class as they're "not at good times".

It's really quite simple - you just remember that it's their life, not yours, and you stay out of the nuts and bolts of it until asked to participate.

Our daughter and her fiance have lived together for a few years now, and were all-in with his family - they were showered with gifts and with help, but were also suffocated by their constant need for attention and drama. We just stayed out of it, even though it was frustrating as hell to never actually see them...and, in the last six months or so, we've suddenly become the ones they turn to in an emergency, or if they need help, or if they just need someone to talk to.

It's as though they can see the value of being left alone to make their own life together instead of having somebody else constantly there.

That's what we wanted when we were first together, so we provided it for them - we're just the chill parents, the ones who're always there when needed but aren't ever underfoot.

My MIL is very passive aggressive she isn’t the worst MIL but I think the main issue she has never felt truly loved by any man. FIL was the very devil himself and she did have a couple of boyfriends after divorce but they were no loves of her life. So her DS my DH is the only man in her life apart from her Father who sounds like he was a really nice man but died over 30 years ago who she has ever felt loved by, hence the intense jealousy.

Whatever happens between DH and I, well I’m lucky to have felt truly loved completely. So with DS as much as I do adore him and love him dearly I don’t have to pin all my love and adoration on him.

DS has a lovely GF I very much check if stuff is ok with her, I never make assumptions and only give opinions if asked. They can make their own mistakes if they make any.

My future rules for myself:

1. don't disrespect any partners - you never know which one will stick

2. don't try to cling onto my kids, let them live their lives, I don't need to emotionally manipulate them into seeing me, or it's not genuine

3. don't pit my kids against each other, don't complain about one to another and don't allow/encourage one to tell the other how to behave/what to do/use them as "flying monkeys"

It makes me really sad that I don't have a MIL I can really get on with and trust. I would have loved that close relationship but I also can't fully forgive a lot of things that have happened and still do. I definitely wish it had been different.

Don't automatically Blame DIL for everything and anything.

My MIL is a smiling assassin. At face value she is lovely but when DH is out of room she'll make comments about my weight and go on about how good DH is and how lucky I am (despite knowing full well he is difficult to live with for reasons I won't get in to). She cannot see any wrong doing on her part and her sons are perfect.

Two BIL are both divorced. One ran up gambling debts and didn't tell his wife - she found out by accident and ending up kicking him out. He has very little to do with his kids now which is his choice but listening to MIL the ex wife is all kinds of bad. Even DH think BIL is a shit dad. They've been split up years and MIL blames ex DIL for everything and still makes nasty comments about her. Other BIL is divorced. Been separated for two years and his ex wife has had two boyfriends since splitting and MIL refers to her as a slag etc. refuses to acknowledge her in any way and I just see that as being difficult for grandchildren as they grow up. BIL is not perfect by any means and I can see how he's contributed to marriage break up but it's beyond comprehension to MIL that anyone should not want to put up with her boys bad behaviour.
I do wonder what she would say about me if DH and I ever split. Regardless of my thoughts about her, I bite my tongue, am polite and do best to get on with her, purely because she is DDs grandmother and I respect that. If we ever split up I would want DD to still have a relationship with MIL and would put effort

Posted before finished!

I'd put effort in for DD to see them but I honestly think MIL would find some
Reason to
Turn against me
For not putting up with DH flaws.

I just think this misguided extreme loyalty to her sons will backfire eventually. All the grandchildren are very close to their mums and MIL constantly making nasty comments about her ex DIL will take its toll eventually, and I can see the older GC already starting to pull away which is sad.

Just be respectful of GCs mothers regardless of relationship between DS and DILs

You sound like the ideal MIL!!!

Toxic DILs are a non-issue. Just don’t engage. But young women are always trapped, dependent or guilted into engaging with their MILs. And I do feel for that generation as they’re watching their relevance and power drain away in real time but DILs shouldn’t be the outlet of their sad frustrations.

Thank you, that’s exactly what I meant. :-)

Agreeing, that there are obvious times to speak up, and when to keep your opinions to yourself on both sides unless specifically asked.

It's the luck of the draw whether you get on with any future in-laws so don't think about it too much!

I get on well with my now ex-DIL - we are quite similar in many ways.

I'm struggling to think of things that would be solely a daughter in law's decision, that your son wouldn't be aware of, and that would actually matter and that are anyone's business outside their immediate family unit

Agreed. I get on with my MIL, but we are different people even though we do have some similar interests and one of the things that cropped up was christening our children. MIL never asked me about it but DH brought it up after he felt his mum was rude to me at a family child’s birthday party. I wasn’t fussed about it but for him it brought up things that she has said and done that had irked him but he hadn’t mentioned to me since I didn’t seem upset.

MIL is Catholic, DH was christened and brought up as Catholic BUT he doesn’t consider himself Catholic nor believes in it. I’m not religious whatsoever but respectful enough to show up if invited. MIL had been asking about christening our first to a point of annoyance and DH said no. Did the same with our second which he replied “no and why would we, when we didn’t christen the first.” Not sure if DH mentioned it to her or not, but him and I had a full conversation before we were engaged about children and we both agreed on not christening any children and allowing them to make up their minds when they were old enough to understand. It didn’t sit right with us to do so when neither of us are religious and I said it made me extremely uncomfortable because I would be lying and promising a child into something I don’t even agree with and wouldn’t even practice.

If MIL had actually talked to us both, she would have I hoped dropped it and left it alone. Saying that, she should know her son enough that he is in no way a pushover nor am I the bossy, controlling by any means. His brother and SIL also didn’t christen theirs either, no idea if she asked the same of him.

I don’t know - I’m a MIL to a SIL and DIL, and have been for over 20 years. I’ve always got on well with both of them.

If everyone just shows thought and consideration, it shouldn’t be a problem.

But, I guess it depends on the personalities involved. 😉

This wasn’t the question of the thread
Which specific part is harsh?

This is the nub of it. Also, a toxic person is likely to have favourites and people they see as enemies e.g. daughters in law.

Do as you would be done by.

But having said that, some DiLs are just the ex ‘mean girls’ from school, and will be determined to hate their MiL whatever she does/doesn’t do.

Mine complained about her MIL and repeated the same behaviours to me.

She absolutely infantilised me and DH. We were talked to and treated like children. She was furious DH didn’t marry someone local, who had a job like her, and lived around the corner.
Mostly she wanted DH to stay home forever to keep her company, so therefore I was the villain keeping him away. Couldn’t win.