To wonder how one avoids becoming a toxic MIL

[FrenchToastLover]

Both on and offline I'm frequently hearing of all these horrendous mil/dil relationships, the majority of the time putting the mil in a bad light. I know that when you're only getting one half of the story it's easy to judge when you may not have all the facts but even so, why are so many of them so shitty?

I have 2 boys myself so it's likely I will have a dil in the future and obviously right now I think I will do my best to be a good mil but surely they all think this? I guess I'm just wondering why in so many cases it seems impossible for both parties to just get along?

I think or at least hope MN gives a distorted picture. People aren’t going to start threads about how they get on with their MIL.

I think you need to realise your role and place in relationships. People get annoyed with being given unsolicited advice so be careful of that especially around children. Also so much advice changes but people can be stubborn and attached to it.

Nobody seems to be able to just rub along with people they don't particularly like or get along with any more.

I wonder if it is sm, telling people that their boundaries and wellbeing are more important than family harmony. Even mn is quick to suggest no contact or low contact. People aren't a bit annoying, they're toxic or narcissistic or abusive. There doesn't seem to be any tolerance. Maybe it's a good thing as long as people realise that one day it might be them getting cut off for a mistake, misunderstanding or minor misdemeanour.

First Christmas we were married.

My DM - you're married now, spend it the 2 of you together and enjoy yourselves. Posted us really thoughtful gifts.

My MIL - couldn't understand why I wasn't off the whole of Christmas to visit her despite my job being explained to her several times. Gave me a list of instructions of who I needed to buy cards and presents for - I handed it straight to DH. When we did go she served sprouts that had been cooking as long as the joint, dinner conversation was about how doctors were murdering people on the NHS for money. I am a doctor, I was sat right next to her!

It doesn't take a genius not to do this shit.

I think it is a matter of respect from MIL side, knowing where the boundaries are and which topics or decisions she shouldn't interfere and make her own business.

I started a thread once about lovely MILs (mine had been particularly lovely) for a bit of balance and about three pages in in descended into being called smug and gloating

Split your time evenly with your DS families - winds me up no end that my MIL runs to the tune of my BIL constantly

Don't make or pass 'loaded' comments

Treat & respect your DIL as a person your son has chosen to be his life partner

If they have children please again respect their way on how they want to raise their family and don't push the boundaries

I do wonder whether their son getting married as opposed to their daughter getting married brings up a lot of different emotions in some women (i.e they find it harder to adjust to the idea that their son is married in comparison to the idea that their daughter is married)

I think a good starting place would be to be the type of MIL you would like for yourself. If you wouldn’t tolerate yourself being treated the way you treat your DIL then you are going wrong. I also think some people have awful MILs and then repeat history and treat their own DILs the same to make themselves feel better.

As a lone parent to two young adult sons l will be more than happy to stand well back and let them get on with it. I lead a very busy life and looking forward to a new chapter. I am very independent, my own parents have never interfered, and only met my own MIL a handful of times, after husband passed away. My eldest is currently saving up for a house with his girlfriend who l get on well with.

That's very harsh... what about toxic DILs?

For all the issues I've had with my mum as a kid (issues were legion), she's an excellent MIL. And my dad was an excellent FIL. My in laws however....

Just remember that your son and DIL are adults in their own right and are fully entitled to make their own decisions and live their own lives, and may not make the same decisions you would. Ask if they want help or advice, don't assume.

I think the best way is to model positive family relationships to your children from a very young age. So, include, welcome and be kind to your own mother in law. Accept that sometimes they are going to do or say annoying crap (just as your own parents do) and don't sweat it too much. Then, your own children will have grown up seeing what a solid family dynamic looks like and will, hopefully, wish to replicate that in their own families.

I am a new MIL and follow the path of always be welcoming and inclusive, shut my mouth unless they're actually asking for my opinion and accept that we are not going to agree on everything and that's ok. I adore my DIL and, so far, she seems to feel the same way.

I like my MIL. That said, she doesn't speak English and I don't speak her language, so we can't talk to each other. And she lives in a faraway country, currently at war, so we can't visit each other either. 😂

Mumsnet is a support network for anyone, primarily mums and when one becomes a mum that intensifies the relations around us...

Mumsnet has been my life line re my Mil.
I took it all "personally", I was incredibly vulnerable as well. My Mil wreaked havoc on our lives.

I think being a good mil is just akin to being a nice person be respectful and so on. It's really not hard.

I think the fact that you are asking the question means that most likely you will be fine - you have insight and want the relationship to work. It’s the ones who have no insight that are difficult.

Don't offer an opinion unless asked for one.
Don't offer advice unless it’s asked for.
Don't be needy. The family are probably very busy working and raising a family.
Do offer help; babysitting, practical support.
Remember that they are creating their own family and will do things differently from you. That doesn’t mean either of you are wrong or right- just different.
Be there if they need you.
Love them. Your son has chosen the person he wants to be with and you need to be able to accept that you’re less important.

Probably loads more. It’s as tricky to be a MiL as it is to be a DiL.

Just be a nice person and unless you dil at toxic moo you’ll be ok

@AncientBallerina of course

I think if you’re close to your sons in an appropriate way the relationship with your dil will follow.

That may be true for a young person in their teens or early twenties just getting together with a new girlfriend or boyfriend, if that new partner is genuinely a concern for their welfare e.g. 25 years older or on drugs. Otherwise it's not a good idea to criticise their partner as they will probably never forgive you. Judgement is not a good quality in a mother in law

"The older generation adopts the "I know best" approach and the younger generation suffers in silence before either exploding or going no contact. Both things are problematic."

It's not always the "older generation" in the wrong. Despite what Mumsnet thinks.

In laws are just that, in laws.

They will always be different, they'll have different opinions, traditions and what not - just like any other family, they're just related through marriage.

Sometimes they'll like you, sometimes they won't and sometimes you won't like them, if you're lucky there will be love all round.

My MIL and me had our differences, but she was the same with most people - it wasn't necessarily personal, but obviously if things got heated, my DH would react (which she loved), since she passed away I feel guilt/sadness about the times we disagreed, but also I remind myself we were different people and her approval/love doesn't define me.

My FIL can be hard work on occasion, but he's also wonderful. He shows his love to my DH, me and my children differently (he's on the spectrum so processes things differently), but he is super caring and will always look out for us.

Equally, I love my parents but they annoy me sometimes too, my DH is confident and he doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks of him - and although it could make things awkward early on in the relationship - now out relationship is simple and there's no friction really, on the odd occasion there is friction, it's usually me and DH vs them.

Ultimately your relationship is what matters so in laws need to get on board and when I eventually become an in-law I hope I can be one that is liked, rather than tolerated.. BUT if we're different, I can't exactly pretend to be someone else - things will be as they are - like any friendship/family/relationship.

Not worth worrying about OP. X

I have 3 dils and 2 sils. I get on with all of them thankfully we are very lucky . Firstly I don’t think my kids are perfect o know their flaws and can empathise with said partners at times . I’ve always been welcoming and open to talk this helps . When people feel welcomed into. Family they are softer and kinder I feel . And with our granddaughter I always ask dil first about doing things . She is the mommy not me ! We just try to make their lives happier and easier . 1 ex dil is still like a daughter to us and our son has had to accept this as we were never turning away from her . Family includes in laws stepchildren and kindness goes a long way

Having had the toxic mother in law from hell, who made my life a misery and eventually broke our relationship, I decided that when ds takes himself off to university, I will retire and move somewhere remote (which I will enjoy anyway).

Ds can come and go as he pleases but when he finds his life partner, I will be too far away to interfere, demand his time, be judged for giving too much or too little babysitting or visiting time. I will have a busy life elsewhere. If they want to visit, there will always be room and a welcome for them, but they can come to me at their convenience.

That way I won't ever be tempted to do as my MIL did, arriving to stay at no notice, treating me as a cross between the cleaner and a brood mare, walking into our bedroom at 6am without knocking, rifling my drawers, taking my clothes etc.

Whenever one of my friends marries now, I buy them a door wedge. Everyone with a MIL should have one 🙂I like to think I have saved a marriage or two from hitting the rocks.

This is an interesting perspective.

My older family are the complete opposite - my great granny's parents never spoke to her as she married an artist, and they disapproved of that. Her DH family disinherited him for becoming an artist & never spoke to him again.

My maternal grandma cut off nearly everyone in her family. My paternal grandma and her sisters fell out and never spoke for 50 years over some really quite minor disagreements...

IME my younger family is way, way better at resolving conflict than family in the past.